Please help me

[namechangehelpme]

Hi everyone, I've name changed for this, but am normally a regular poster.

Background: I'm 21, boyfriend of a year and a half is late thirties. We live together in a rented flat (all in his name) and have a dog together.

In the beginning everything was great, regular amazing sex, he treated me like a princess, we were happy etc.

We've recently had issues with him being him stressed to have sex, he's self employed so his work is his priority, though it's increased significantly since he met me and he said i inspired him to work harder and being more income etc to take care of me.

(For reference I'm not the kinda girl that's in a relationship to do nothing and expect money!) I have a part time job, studying and recently got offers for uni in September and I pay half the rent and towards utilities, also buy my own food shops.

We got the dog in the summer of last year, he's still a puppy and my bf often has issues with the dog barking or not settling (he's a small dog but high energy working breed, lovely temperament and he's a sweetheart!) he loses his temper so often now it doesn't even scare me anymore. Yelling at the dog, yelling at me etc.

I want to leave and I'd go back to live with parents but he won't let me take the dog. I know it sounds petty but I pay towards the dog too, love him and at least I don't yell at him and lose my temper! I would be living at home or in our flat w/ boyfriend during uni as it's close by so the dog would always have a stable home w/ garden etc.

He's never been violent towards me but it scares me shitless when he yells as it's a whole new side to him I just didn't expect from when we were first together.

This evening he came back from a long day out and the first thing he said was 'this place is a shithole' (it wasn't, the place is always clean as I clean often and the only issue was dog hair 'everywhere' according to him (I hoovered a few days ago) and the fact that I'd left a bag on the floor and my coat in the lounge). He didn't talk to me all evening.

Tonight laying in bed I finally got a few words out of him. My mother kindly offered today to pay towards us moving as we need a larger place and obviously my name will need to be on the tenancy as I'm over 18. He said he didn't want me being equal.

I'm honestly speechless. I don't even think it's related to incase we break up and changing over tenancy to him if that was to happen, I think it's because he wants to control me by being the only tenant, then just letting me 'stay there' like I do now. (I pay rent in cash to him each month).

He's started drinking more now too, at least 1 drink a night which makes him irritable.

I sound pathetic but I love him still, I just wish he was the same man I first met. I don't want to leave him or leave our dog, I'm crying right now and he's asleep next to me (a regular occurrence).

He wasn't even happy for me to finally achieve offers from a uni. No 'congrats' or smiles or even a bunch of freaking flowers.

I feel pathetic daily. I cook him meals often, I do his laundry (to be fair he does mine too when he does it), I'm always apologising and trying to keep the peace. I feel like a doormat. I just want him to love me again.

I can't keep going on like this its making me depressed.

I think you know you need to leave. If it werent for the dog would you go? Also who actually paid for the dog or did you go halves?

Your so young, honestly if your not happy don't let this go on.
What are your main fears?

@MapMyMum he bought him but I contribute w/ food, toys, dog walker etc.

I just want to cuddle the dog and leave with him. He's the only thing that brightens my life anymore. He's scared of my partner anyway, flinches when he yells at him and runs away if he thinks he's going to get told off.

@Brandnewshit I feel so broken down, like nobody will ever be able to love me for me, like I'll die without him, life's not worth it etc.

I know it sounds pathetic but my previous ex (only had 2 boyfriends) was sexually and emotionally abusive, it took me 10 months to leave him even though he was raping me. My current bf built me up again and I feel like I'll fall without him.

You won’t fail.
Go home to your parents.
Report him to RSPCA if you think the dog is at risk.
Things will not get better

You are not going to fail without him.
You are going to flourish and excel without him.
I spent most of my 20s and half of my 30s feeling like you do.
I finally reached my limit and ended my abusive relationship. I wish I'd done it years before
I looked in the mirror one day and asked myself how old was I going to be when I did it
I'm not downplaying the tie you have with a dog, my pets bring me so much happiness but you are not having to deal with children in the split.
Does that make sense, in a way I'm not trying to be nasty?
You and your emotional wellbeing is more important.
I understand the dog is v Important, but if you've paid for the purchase and you have somewhere to go with the dog just go.
Honestly in your 20s with no kids, just go.
Life is too precious and short.
I'm not downplaying how you feel, I know that feeling you have eating away at you.
Its awful.
But you have to look at your situation in comparison to being to a mum with kids.
Just walk.
You have so much in front of you.
So so much.
And you just need to be brave and value yourself and look after yourself

You are very young to be in a 'committed' relationship with someone so much older and, frankly, you sound more like 18 than 21.

End it now, take the dog with you and don't get so tied up with another man too quickly - especially an older one. Enjoy being young! You have a lot going for you. You can have a great time at uni - not if you are with him though. He is probably at the end of his tether too.

If he is a dickhead about your dog, imagine how he could be with your dc,
You are so young, and so much stronger than you think if you've had the courage to break from previous shit relationships and see even with the power of hindsight what they were.
You have had the strength inside you before, and it's still there now in you

Leave. It won't get better.
Take the dog with you when he is out.

@Brandnewshit thank you. I know I couldn't have kids with him, he hates mess and noise and whenever he complains about the place being a mess in his eyes I always joke 'wait till we have a child'. I think he's really anal about tidiness. Before I moved in he was very minimalist.

I don't want children anyway currently. I did when I first met him and he was lovely.

@jessstan2 you're right, I am 19 not 21- my writing gave me away. I've written before on MN asking for help and everyone's just commented on my age and completely disregarded my issues. Hence why I lied

@EchoCardioGran I thought about that but surely it's theft? Plus he knows where my parents live and he pays the pet insurance which would be hard to switch without him knowing.

Get out quick, and take the dog with you.

At the very least he won’t be able to look after it if he’s working all the time

He can cancel the insurance - take out your own

@ohfourfoxache I'm just conscious he could get the police involved and since he bought the dog originally it's technically his 'purchase'.

I wish he'd just break up with me, it would be so much easier.

I don't know if it would be fair on the pup to take him, whilst my parents have a big house and garden, they also have another dog that doesn't get along with him so I'm conscious of that.

I get panic attacks and our pup has always acted almost like a service dog! Coming over to me when I'm upset or hyperventilating and sitting with me (whilst my bf yells at me to calm down or has a go at me about anything else).

As I've said, I'm not being horrible, but this is a dog that's keeping you in a shitty relationship.
Not children, your not even valuing yourself above a pet, take yourself out of this,it sounds like you have family support.
Life is way too short for this shit

Take the dog and RUN.

The police will have bigger issues to deal with, it will probably be dealt with as a civil issue.
Just pack up, take the dog and go
As I've said I'm not kicking the boot in but you have a shit relationship, you are young, you have family support.
Your not mortgaged upto your eyeballs, kids to worry about etc you have a dog and options, worst scenario you have to rehome a pet, not deal with ruining kids lives, in a relationship you know over.
Value yourself

"He said he didn't want me being equal."

--Wait, what? What does that mean? Like he wants you below him? I am unsure if I am misunderstanding this but this does not sound good.

I understand wanting the dog. I would be the same. The dog makes you feel better and you love it and care for it and worry for its safety. Options: You can either leave the dog there and walk away, leave it there and report your bf to RSCPA as another poster above said, or just take the dog. If it were me, I'd say fuck it and get the dog out of the situation.

The bottom line though is that you need to get yourself out of this situation, dog or no dog. This relationship you're in is not healthy.

I was in a similar relationship when I was your age. I wanted love and held on to what we had when we had first met but 20 years later, I realize I was young and naive. You sound smarter than I was because you're questioning things. I waited a bit too late and never questioned things until I was a bit older. So get out now, while you can. Don't look back. This guy sounds controlling. He sounds like the guy I was with when I was your age. I got a B in a class once (I'm American btw, we do grades differently here I think?). I was so happy for this B I earned. This guy who was my bf at the time said condescendingly and seriously "why wasn't it an A?" Really? Like he was my Dad or something. Ugh. He was also older than me, like your bf is older than you.

If your bf can't be happy for your achievements and endeavors, he's not the guy for you, but I think you get all that. That just stood out to me and reminded me of younger me and I wanted to mention it. The fact he yells at you to calm down when you're not having a good time (upset and all that) is not good and very unhealthy. Please get out of this situation. It is not healthy or good for you.

You're young and will find someone better. You won't fall, you have support. It will be hard at times, but you can do it and will get through it and your future self will thank you for leaving this guy who is not good for you.

Hugs to you.

Would he agree to rehoming the dog because it makes messes and causes him stress etc? Then you could take the dog to your parents before moving out yourself?

The other option is you take the dog with you and offer to pay him the cost of purchase if he makes a fuss about it (which he undoubtedly will as a way to control you).

Whatever you do, you are too young to be in a miserable relationship. You have your university years of learning, socialising, having fun and finding yourself ahead of you. Get rid of this grumpy bugger and get back to your life.

He doesn't want you to be equal???!!!!!
Run for the bloody hills!!!
You are way too young to be stuck in this situation and you're fortunate that you have family support and no mortgage or children etc.
Your 'boyfriend' is using the dog as control over you - don't allow it.
I'm not sure if it's right to just take the dog though as he bought it but I'd be bloody tempted to give it a go!
Dog or no dog though, you need to get out. Fast.

Lovely girl, take your dog and run. Go home to your parents. It'll be fine, you'll sort something with your parents' dog so that the situation works.

I have a little girl. I'd be horrified if I ever found out that some bloke was making her feel as broken as your partner is. Even if she had 12 dogs, a rabbit and a bearded dragon I'd still welcome her home with her mini zoo in a heartbeat.

Please go home to your parents. Take your dog and live your life x

Take the dog and go. I think you'll find that your panic attacks become less frequent when you're no longer living with a bastard.

He's using the dog as a way of 'keeping you there' so he can continue to control you bf treat you like shit.
If I were you, I'd leave with the dog and go home to your family. If he comes after the dog, you could threaten to report him to the RSPCA if he wants to fight you to get the dog back.
Does he have proof of purchasing the dog in his name? , I'm not sure if because he pays insurance that's proof enough he's the
owner. Although, scrap that. So what IF he does have proof of ownership, he'd ill treating the dog!
Somehow, I've got a feeling that once he knows you've left for good, with n ok intention of going back to him, you'll probably find he won't even try and take the dog back.

Excuse typos, too early in the morning!

I would leave and take the dog too. Neither of you will be happy with him