Please help me

[namechangehelpme]

Hi everyone, I've name changed for this, but am normally a regular poster.

Background: I'm 21, boyfriend of a year and a half is late thirties. We live together in a rented flat (all in his name) and have a dog together.

In the beginning everything was great, regular amazing sex, he treated me like a princess, we were happy etc.

We've recently had issues with him being him stressed to have sex, he's self employed so his work is his priority, though it's increased significantly since he met me and he said i inspired him to work harder and being more income etc to take care of me.

(For reference I'm not the kinda girl that's in a relationship to do nothing and expect money!) I have a part time job, studying and recently got offers for uni in September and I pay half the rent and towards utilities, also buy my own food shops.

We got the dog in the summer of last year, he's still a puppy and my bf often has issues with the dog barking or not settling (he's a small dog but high energy working breed, lovely temperament and he's a sweetheart!) he loses his temper so often now it doesn't even scare me anymore. Yelling at the dog, yelling at me etc.

I want to leave and I'd go back to live with parents but he won't let me take the dog. I know it sounds petty but I pay towards the dog too, love him and at least I don't yell at him and lose my temper! I would be living at home or in our flat w/ boyfriend during uni as it's close by so the dog would always have a stable home w/ garden etc.

He's never been violent towards me but it scares me shitless when he yells as it's a whole new side to him I just didn't expect from when we were first together.

This evening he came back from a long day out and the first thing he said was 'this place is a shithole' (it wasn't, the place is always clean as I clean often and the only issue was dog hair 'everywhere' according to him (I hoovered a few days ago) and the fact that I'd left a bag on the floor and my coat in the lounge). He didn't talk to me all evening.

Tonight laying in bed I finally got a few words out of him. My mother kindly offered today to pay towards us moving as we need a larger place and obviously my name will need to be on the tenancy as I'm over 18. He said he didn't want me being equal.

I'm honestly speechless. I don't even think it's related to incase we break up and changing over tenancy to him if that was to happen, I think it's because he wants to control me by being the only tenant, then just letting me 'stay there' like I do now. (I pay rent in cash to him each month).

He's started drinking more now too, at least 1 drink a night which makes him irritable.

I sound pathetic but I love him still, I just wish he was the same man I first met. I don't want to leave him or leave our dog, I'm crying right now and he's asleep next to me (a regular occurrence).

He wasn't even happy for me to finally achieve offers from a uni. No 'congrats' or smiles or even a bunch of freaking flowers.

I feel pathetic daily. I cook him meals often, I do his laundry (to be fair he does mine too when he does it), I'm always apologising and trying to keep the peace. I feel like a doormat. I just want him to love me again.

I can't keep going on like this its making me depressed.

Thank you @Rafabella I've known about gaslighting for a while and it's definitely been happening in my relationship! It's helping me see that all is not well.

We've had a good morning so far and he seems in a good mood... first thing he wanted though was sex.

@waywardfruit thank you for such a kind message. I know my parents would 100% support me moving back and even probably bringing the dog tbh if that's my ultimatum! I just need the courage to go.

@Isth I'm so sorry about the way you were treated, but I'm so happy and encouraged to hear you're with your pup and happy now. That gives me hope!

@Sunkissedbeachdream this makes me sad because I know how scared he can get! He's like me though because he puts up with the yelling then goes back to loving and trying to please my bf. He's such a lovely dog, great with kids and loves a good walk with me throwing the ball.❤️

Darling girl, I have a daughter a few years younger than you. Please leave. Go back to your parents, go to Uni, enjoy your life. He is abusive. Don’t let him mess you up.

This ones simple op.just leave and take the dog. Go to your parents. Leave the dog with one of them and uou wnd the other one go back and get your stuff.

Then block him on everything.

Thank you sweetheart It could be you too @namechangehelpme , you’re so desperately unhappy now, and a good morning doesn’t undo all the bad he’s done and will continue to do to you. I know how it feels tho, I coasted for a while being treated like shit by ex because when he was good, he was great; funny and charming and capable, but it was just a front he put on. There’s so much more out there and you’re so, so young! Of course your parents would rather you were happy, go home, put yourself first.
I know how terrifying it is, and I know how it feels when you just don’t feel brave enough to do it, but you have to bite the bullet. The day I moved out, I waited until I knew ex would be out of the house for the day, called my brother who in turn called my mum and one of my friends, and they came and loaded my stuff. We were gone within an hour and a half, including my horse and my dog. It’s doable, and I promise you won’t ever regret it.

@Ethel80 I definitely worry it could hurt my degree. He already asks me questions about if I'm going to go 'out' when I'm there or if I should maybe focus on just studying.

It's a hard degree as well so I need to be 100% emotionally okay to deal with the stress. Can't be too depressed to get out of bed in the mornings or have an argument the night before and worry about it all day etc.

@8FencingWire

@Isth Wow, that must have taken some strength (and a lot of stress!) to plan that escape. I'm so happy for you.

I worry about telling my parents and i don't even speak to my friends about my relationship. I barely see any of them anymore! It would be so out of the blue to suddenly spring it upon them and I'd have to explain so much stuff that I don't want too you know?

Does your mum know what you're going through with your partner? I bet she'd have you and your dog in a heartbeat. Please talk to her, she can help you.

Seriously, don’t worry about that side of it, they al just want you to be happy! No one in their right mind would encourage you or want you to be with someone who scares you. And if you don’t want to talk about it, just tell them that. They’ll understand. They won’t judge you.

Can you speak to your parents and see if you could start planning to leave? This should be a golden time for you - you are at the very start of your life and should be seeing nothing but opportunities and hope for the future! It doesn't sound like you will have that if you stay with your current partner. He will just drag you down and make you his creature. Grab your lovely little dog, your gear and go to your parents. It may be difficult in the short term but you will never never regret it.

You barely see your friends any more - I'd bet folding money that he's engineered it to be that way. He's isolated you so that he is your life and you think you have no alternative.

He's done it to make sure that you don't have conversations where people can point out that his behaviour is off. To try and make sure you doubt yourself and become dependent on him.

Be under no illusions - if you stay you will not complete even the first year of university. You won't be meeting up with other students to do project work or spending time in the library. You won't be having coffee after lectures. You'll be coming straight back to the flat and trying to work. He'll then constantly interrupt you, break you off, complain you're not pulling your weight domestically. He'll book a surprise weekend break when you have a deadline - and you'll be an ungrateful bitch for rejecting his romantic gesture, so you'll go. Then when you get results you're disappointed with, he'll suggest you quit, because it's clearly too much for you and he's really worried about your mental health and he wants to look after you.

Please ring your parents. Please.

What @weezol said - second that. Get rid while you can and focus on your degree and having a normal life.

Your parents love you

They will be fine xxx

Please get out (with the dog if possible). This man is abusive, he's nearly twice your age so choosing a vulnerable 19 year old is a massive red flag in itself. He is as abusive as your last partner he is just more subtle in his abuse but it will get worse.

Get out, get your education and please stay single until you build up your confidence and self-esteem and learning to avoid abusers.

Best of luck.

Wow - OP, he is late30s and you are HALF his age! What a great thing he has going on, eh? Young, malleable vulnerable eager-to-please YOUNG girl in his bed? All he has to do is be nice, and you'll do all his washing, cleaning, take on his dog and do it all willingly. But then he's found out that he can dispense with 'being nice' and ' be himself' and you will still do it, because you 'love him'.

NO. I don't think so. You are being used. You are not even 20 ffs. Get yourself out of there. Get the dog rehomed if necessary, or leave it there and call the RSPCA. (Guarantee he will only want it because YOU DO!) Or take it with you and find a way at your parents - get a dogwalker or ask around your friends (get back in touch with them pronto!)

Get to Uni; have a great time. Look back in 5 years and marvel at how young you were, with an old man like that.

@namechangehelpme

Your age is quite relevant here, Op.
You are being controlled by a man 20years order than you.
The reason he picked a teenager is because no grown woman would let him treat her like this.

Don’t let him ruin the start of your life - go and get s degree. Live a life of a student - Appropriate for your age.
A 20years older man who doesn’t want you to be an equal partner - can’t be your life companion. Not now, not later.

Take the dog and go. You don’t need his permission.

If he bought the dog for you, it is your dog, never mind the pet health insurance, anyone can pay that.

Please do go back to your mum.

That lovely guy you met who was so lovely to you? That was him grooming you. The guy he is now - the miserable, controlling, yelling guy? That's who he really is. In sorry op.

Do do do the Freedom Programme. Really, you must do it. You've already had two abusive relationships, you need to do this brilliant course.

I'm so sorry you're facing this. Leave this abusive man and take the dog. You've got so much ahead of you, you don't need this dead weight sucking the life out of you xx

Freedom Programme

Not much to add after everyone else but hope you leave and take the dog, concentrate on uni. Like others have said it's a bit of a red flag that a guy in his late 30s wants all this from a teenager. He sounds controlling.

Good luck at uni x

Hello my love.

I hope you find the strength to leave him and take the dog. He doesn't even care about it.

If I were you, when you have managed to leave I would look up the freedom programme. It sounds like it would really help you. Search online for the online course or a group near you. Good luck.