Please help me

[namechangehelpme]

Hi everyone, I've name changed for this, but am normally a regular poster.

Background: I'm 21, boyfriend of a year and a half is late thirties. We live together in a rented flat (all in his name) and have a dog together.

In the beginning everything was great, regular amazing sex, he treated me like a princess, we were happy etc.

We've recently had issues with him being him stressed to have sex, he's self employed so his work is his priority, though it's increased significantly since he met me and he said i inspired him to work harder and being more income etc to take care of me.

(For reference I'm not the kinda girl that's in a relationship to do nothing and expect money!) I have a part time job, studying and recently got offers for uni in September and I pay half the rent and towards utilities, also buy my own food shops.

We got the dog in the summer of last year, he's still a puppy and my bf often has issues with the dog barking or not settling (he's a small dog but high energy working breed, lovely temperament and he's a sweetheart!) he loses his temper so often now it doesn't even scare me anymore. Yelling at the dog, yelling at me etc.

I want to leave and I'd go back to live with parents but he won't let me take the dog. I know it sounds petty but I pay towards the dog too, love him and at least I don't yell at him and lose my temper! I would be living at home or in our flat w/ boyfriend during uni as it's close by so the dog would always have a stable home w/ garden etc.

He's never been violent towards me but it scares me shitless when he yells as it's a whole new side to him I just didn't expect from when we were first together.

This evening he came back from a long day out and the first thing he said was 'this place is a shithole' (it wasn't, the place is always clean as I clean often and the only issue was dog hair 'everywhere' according to him (I hoovered a few days ago) and the fact that I'd left a bag on the floor and my coat in the lounge). He didn't talk to me all evening.

Tonight laying in bed I finally got a few words out of him. My mother kindly offered today to pay towards us moving as we need a larger place and obviously my name will need to be on the tenancy as I'm over 18. He said he didn't want me being equal.

I'm honestly speechless. I don't even think it's related to incase we break up and changing over tenancy to him if that was to happen, I think it's because he wants to control me by being the only tenant, then just letting me 'stay there' like I do now. (I pay rent in cash to him each month).

He's started drinking more now too, at least 1 drink a night which makes him irritable.

I sound pathetic but I love him still, I just wish he was the same man I first met. I don't want to leave him or leave our dog, I'm crying right now and he's asleep next to me (a regular occurrence).

He wasn't even happy for me to finally achieve offers from a uni. No 'congrats' or smiles or even a bunch of freaking flowers.

I feel pathetic daily. I cook him meals often, I do his laundry (to be fair he does mine too when he does it), I'm always apologising and trying to keep the peace. I feel like a doormat. I just want him to love me again.

I can't keep going on like this its making me depressed.

You have to leave this man

You are younger than my daughter. So very young

You deserve joy, light and happiness

Take your stuff to your parents. Get your things, ALL your things, out of the flat

I can see that you might not be able to take the puppy to your parents if your parents dog doesn't like the puppy. Also if dickhead has proof of purchase then taking the puppy would be stealing

So - get your stuff out of the flat

Take the puppy if you can

If not , please get YOU away from that man.

Go to your parents

Live there and start a new life.

Please do this today

Please get yourself out of that situation. You have support so don't waste any more of your life on a nasty controlling man. Consider doing the freedom programme -may help you to not fall for the same type again.

OP he doesn't want the dog when he's on his own making mess, he's using it to keep you from leaving. The reason why so many people mention your age is because you have your whole life in front of you. It's a good thing, but don't tie yourself up to a man, especially not someone who doesn't treat you right. You can do anything, with anyone. You have your parents' support and the prospect of university. You will be ok, just go to your parents and focus on university and enjoying your youth.

100% leave and take your dog. Tell the RSPCA after you have left the reasons why you have taken yourself and your dog out of an abusive situation. And honestly sweetheart it is abusive. Whether he is stressed or not or whether there are other mental triggers for his behaviour, he is in no way ready or capable of a partnership. You mention that you wish he would just break up with you. That won't happen - whether you realise it or not he has made you his emotional doormat. He needs / wants you there to treat as he sees fit. Check out the term 'gaslighting' - I suspect this is happening to you. This is not acceptable in any way shape or form. For the sake of your safety, mental health and the safety of your dog, get your things, take your dog and go home to your parents. Don't let you 'being used' to his behaviour stop you. This will only get worse - I think you know that. You sound like you have a mature and exiting future planned for yourself - uni etc. Get out now and follow those dreams. Wishing you well. X

Leave. Take the dog. You can do it!

If your parents dog and the puppy don't get on to the extent that that is not fixable over time, do the next best thing and take the puppy to the RSPCA and hand him/her over. Regardless of ownership if you are seriously concerned about the welfare of the puppy you have the right to remove it from the situation. Physically paying for the dog is irrelevant if there is doubt over its welfare or safety. Dogs often take time to settle in with one another. It just needs careful handling. Perhaps give it some time are your parents, you may be surprised.

While you are getting everything together. Take a video or two of him yelling at dog.

When/if the police turn up, show them the evidence and say he was cruel to the dog and you will happily go as far as you can to ensure the dog doesn’t go back to such a horrible life.

So yes, take the dog and go.

You don't have a boyfriend. You have a controlling abuser who is destroying your mental health. You must leave for your own sake. You've had previous abusive relationships, and this older man has targeted you as prey. Please seek help via The Freedom Programme so you recognise red flags in the future, and don't pick another abuser as a 'boyfriend'.

Please do not commit any more of your life, or time to this man.

Leave. That may mean leaving the dog, but you need to protect yourself.

Oh sweetheart You are the same age as my daughter and reading this has brought tears to my eyes. I'd be devastated if I found out she was suffering like you are.

Please, please leave him and get out of this relationship. He is absolutely awful and it won't get better no matter what you do. In fact it can only get worse, believe me, it will.

I understand how upset you feel about your pet, but if your parents have a dog that wouldn't get on with it, and he wouldn't let you take it with him anyway then you have to leave it behind. You can't martyr yourself because of a dog.

No wonder you get panic attacks, I'm not surprised considering the appalling way he treats you.

Go to your parents, they will love you and look after you. xx

Take the dog what’s he going to do about it?! Even if he calls the police just say it was a gift from him to you. He obviously doesn’t want the dog so he won’t

My current bf built me up again and I feel like I'll fall without him. No he didn't, he just isn't as abusive as your previous partner ... yet.

Don't give him that chance though.

Take the dog and go.
I was exactly where you are now when I was 20, and I stayed. And it escalated and by 21, I was being quite badly hit by my boyfriend, and my reason for staying? ‘But I love him’. I didn’t at all, I loved the idea of him, the him that I’d built up in my head to be the love of my life, the guy who saved me from a horrid home situation. In reality, I was terrified of him, the dog was terrified of him and I remember the weekend I finally ended it with him how I felt when he launched my poor dog over the fence because he’d done something trivial, and the wool really came away from my eyes, because until then I’d thought ‘oh he’d never hurt the dog’ and I was wrong. And I realised at the same time how much his behaviour towards me had escalated and how I used to think ‘oh he’d never hit me’ when he was punching holes in walls.
Today I’m sat with my darling loyal dog on my lap in the house I share with the man I’m going to marry in 6 months, who treats me exactly how I deserve to be treated.
Get out. Now. Today. It’ll be the best thing you’ve ever done.

I agree with everyone else. I was in similar relationship at your age. You must get out with or without dog.

You say he is not the man you first knew. He is exactly the same man, he just kept his true personality well-hidden in order to draw you in. Now you're reliant on him he no longer needs to pretend.

His behaviour will get worse, at some point he will hit you, and most probably the dog. It may be six months' time or a year's time, but why wait to find out?

Tell your parents the truth about what is going on. They will want you out of there in a heartbeat.

This man is not even your friend let alone your boyfriend.

He saw a very much younger vulnerable only just adult and has groomed you into thinking you do not deserve better.

Just take the dog and go. You can sort out insurance, ownership later.

If you are grown up enough to live with a man then you need to be grown up enough to recognise him for what he is and leave him before you waste any more of your life in him.

You are wasting your life with him.

You do not love him, you only think you do. He does not love you - he thinks you are beneath him, you are not his equal and will never be. Do not waste your life on him.

The basics for any relationship should be respect, equality, kindness.

If your dog could speak OP, imagine what he'd probably be asking you. Something along the lines of "please take me away from this nasty man who frightens us 'mummy'" I bet.

I’m male in my late 30s . His behaviour is shit. He’s abusing you emotionally. Please leave ! Do it today. Just pack a bag and go. If you want the dog take him. If he dose phone the police then you tell them the truth . You tell them how this man behaves toward you and towards the dog. You tell them how he makes you feel. Tell them what you have written above.
Your writing reads like you are scared of this man. You shouldn’t be sacred of someone who is your partner.
Please leave today. Phone your mum and dad and get them to come over and take you if need be. If he try’s to stop you levering phone the police !
I lose my temper and I can shout a lot. But the difference is my daughters and my wife are not scared me ! There not scared that I’m going to hurt. I myself nowfond myself in a bad relationship that yes really I should leave. I feel so guilty about my girls that I haven’t . My life’s a mess and I need to do something about it. So I know how hard it is for you at the moment. But I have kids a mortgage and a wife who has a spending problem and issues with money. Which all need sorting. So it’s a bit more difficult for me at the moment. But your young. You have your life ahead of you. You’re clever . You can go to uni and have a fantastic time!!! Face your fears. You’ll be glad you did. You are stronger than you think you are!
You are worth far more than this controlling and abusive relationship.
You’re fantastic believe that. Leave today ! Life your life and in time find someone who will love, care for you and support you.
Please leave today . Phone your mum and dad for help.

Leave him, go back to your parents and take the dog with you.

You deserve to be treated well and to be loved not controlled and abused.

I can guarantee that you will not finish (or maybe even start) your degree if you stay with him. I've seen it so many times. He'll be too threatened by it, he'll be pissed off you're meeting new people and building your confidence.

He's much older than you and I would guess that part of the appeal of that is that you're much easier to control and dominate.
That's not your fault at all but you're still a teenager, you have anxiety and you've come out of another abusive relationship. That gives him a lot of power over you, this is not a balanced relationship.

I'm not against big age gaps as a rule but I am when one of you is at a completely different life stage and is only just an adult. That in itself is a big worry for me before everything else you've said.

Run for the hills before this gets worse.

You love the man he pretended to be to reel you in. That man has gone.

Now you know he's a nasty piece of work. His behaviour will escalate.

You've moved from one abusive relationship to another. Leave, take the dog, go home. Your current property is not your home, but it will become your prison.

Go to university, have fun, don't get into another relationship until you've done the Freedom Programme.

Read the first thread at the top of the Relationships board.

As others have said, your too young to be soooo weighted down with this.
Just pack your stuff up and go with the dog.
If he wants the dog that badly he’ll contact you.The police are far too busy to chase this, it will be a civil matter anyhow.
He’s not going to change back to loving you, I’m afraid.
Pack up your stuff and go.... there’s only so long you can go back to your parents in life with no repercussions.enjoy that luxury.

Read the first thread at the top of the Relationships board

Oh YESSSSS! read it and compare with what you've got now.

Leave, go to uni, make a life for yourself. Without him.

@UnicornSlaughters thank you, you sound like such a lovely mother. My mum already said a while back I can't bring the dog to live with us but I think she'd prefer the dog being with me than for me to be unhappy.

Thank you everyone for the replies, I just woke up so I'm looking at them now. X

@Weezol I was thinking that too...