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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner just left me

114 replies

Amberhoney78 · 12/01/2019 13:07

Hi, my partner of 15 months has moved out saying he can't handle my 4 year old son anymore .. please help I'm broken xx

OP posts:
Justthoughts · 15/01/2019 18:08

Understandably it hurts and it probably will for a while. But it will get better. Everyday-life will take over and one day it wont hurt so much.
If it is really bothering you that much that he keeps being in contacting with you after this, then maybe tell him? Not in a horrible way or just blocking him, just let him know that you love him, but you are understandably shocked and hurt by it all and him texting you all day isn't helping atm. Maybe say you just need a little time to yourself - to think and come to terms with things. You don't owe anyone anything and you are allowed to protect yourself of any further hurt. Now you need to focus on yourself and your children.

Kemer2018 · 15/01/2019 19:20

Well rid.

BumbleBeee69 · 15/01/2019 19:32

he can't handle my 4 year old son anymore

he said he might start staying at his mums at the weekends when my lo is here

He is always quick to tell him off, do this don't do that so I have been on eggshells when he is home at the weekends trying to make sure that he behaves

OP you're indulging and responding to a man who says this about your youngest child Flowers

TrackerBar · 15/01/2019 19:50

I just can't understand why he's suddenly texting these things when I have had no contact with him

Amberhoney Flowers

He is being very manipulative. He wants to keep you emotionally attached to him so that he still has the option to come back and stay the night etc. He was hoping that after a few days with no contact you would be begging him to come back.

He's out of your house now and he's no longer able to dictate how things should be. He has probably realised that now and doesn't like it. Try to ignore him if you can and stay strong!

stuckbetweenlife · 15/01/2019 20:07

He wants you to beg!!! Simple
He wants to feel more important that your son that depends on you, and even if he gets over this for a while or deal with the 4 year old what's it going to be like when the child is 10 or 15?
You need to stay away from him. Block Block Block.
To have you come home to his bags packed and him telling you he's leaving is disgusting and even more to blame it on a dc. Wow!
He didn't communicate with you and that is a huge problem, he tell you he can't eat, to make you beg him to come home, it's all attention.

Well if he can't eat that's his issue and his alone. And where was he checking that you were ok with 4 dc and you loved one suddenly leaving.
Cf!

Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 15/01/2019 20:27

It was not a very nice thing to come home to!!
My little was has been 'challenging' tonight, as he can't find his paw patrol ryder so he can't settle until it is found, which it hasn't !!
But I found myself thinking if he had been here I would have been full of anxiety and apologising for him playing up , which would probably ended up in him going upstairs and saying if he doesn't stop then he'll turn the light off and shut the door..

OP posts:
Haffiana · 15/01/2019 21:17

which would probably ended up in him going upstairs and saying if he doesn't stop then he'll turn the light off and shut the door..

And if you used to let him treat your son like that then be very clear that you should not be in a relationship with this man. Or any man for that matter until you can start to put your children before yourself and your relationships. Anxiety and apologising are not appropriate responses.

OP, you need to find your inner tigress. Any man treats your cubs wrong then you kick him straight out. You need to learn to get angry and fight for them.

SilverySurfer · 15/01/2019 21:18

I recall you mentioning in your earlier thread that he moved in last January. You could have only known him for two or three months. In hindsight do you think that was a bad idea since most people on here say they don't even think of a first meeting between their children and a new man until at least 6-12 months into the relationship.

I know it's painful but hope you can see it's probably better for your young DS who must know how your partner feels about him, especially as you say he is quick to tell him off.

I hope things go better for you.

Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 16/01/2019 18:34

Maybe we did, it was all so quick

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 16/01/2019 20:46

So in hindsight, do you think it was a bad idea for him to move in with you and your children so quickly?

Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 16/01/2019 20:55

Yes it probably was, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time x

OP posts:
Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 17/01/2019 22:08

After having text for the last few days , today I have heard nothing, he has changed his Facebook status to single!
My eldest daughter 15 has got very upset tonight and text him why he has walked out on us.. he text me!!!!! what should he reply?????
I have taken myself off Facebook for a while so I don't look to see what he is doing!!
I have one more hurdle to go tomorrow night when he calls to pick up a parcel which I am dreading!!
The texts I have received from him this week have not once asked how I am doing!! All about how he hasn't eaten all week and is being sick every night!
I am feeling quite strong tonight and am seeing him for what a selfish, inconsiderate coward that he is!!!

OP posts:
TrackerBar · 18/01/2019 08:20

Could you drop the parcel off yourself at his mum's or maybe leave it outside the door when you know he is on his way so he can just take it and go away? There's no need to speak to him is there?

I think it is also fine to just be very honest with your daughter and say that he is gone because you will not accept anybody terrorising any member of your family in your own home or anywhere else!

You're doing great and it will get better.

Weenurse · 18/01/2019 08:34

You are doing great 💐

ShatnersWig · 18/01/2019 08:58

he is gone because you will not accept anybody terrorising any member of your family in your own home

Sorry, when did telling off a child become TERRORISING?

Clearly, he can't handle the situation and chose to remove himself. Absolutely the best thing for everyone. You moved in too quickly and it seems obvious that while he could cope with the three older children and they all got on very well, he couldn't with the youngest. That's just what happens sometimes. Doesn't make him automatically the Devil incarnate or a terrorist ffs.

Disengage all contact, there is no need to continue. Leave it for him to choose what response to give to your daughter as she texted him. If she asks you, you don't say he was terrorising your child, you simply say it hasn't worked out, it's sad, but that's what happens.

Ridiculous language @TrackerBar

TrackerBar · 18/01/2019 09:17

Sorry, when did telling off a child become TERRORISING?

In a normal situation telling off a child is not terrorising.

Instilling such anxiety into someone that they constantly walk on eggshells and are on high alert when the partner is around the child is not normal or healthy.

Read what the op has said.

ShatnersWig · 18/01/2019 09:25

I did read it. Some people didn't as they said the boy was walking on eggshells when in actual fact the OP said:

"so I have been on eggshells when he is home at the weekends trying to make sure that he behaves"

That could quite easily be taken as an admission that the child is a handful, or frequently misbehaves. Either way, the OP chooses to react in that way.

She is not TERRORISED.

TrackerBar · 18/01/2019 09:29

Well, that's your opinion and I have expressed mine, so we'll have to respectfully agree to disagree on this one.

Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 18/01/2019 09:33

I am not wanting to cause any bad feelings here between anyone.. I don't feel terrorised just very on edge that my son doesn't annoy him.. as I have said he can be very challenging but is just a normal 4 year old boy x

OP posts:
TrackerBar · 18/01/2019 09:38

Amberhoney, no bad feeling. Keep reaching out. Flowers

Lei3 · 20/01/2019 14:53

How did it go when he picked up the parcel?

Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 20/01/2019 20:46

I had all the rest of his stuff ready for him, which I think shocked him.. he then started saying what about if we take things slow and do things different?
He said he's enjoyed the quiet this weekend but that's it.
Said he misses me and doesn't know if it's what he wants.. he asked if he could phone me last night to talk about it, he phoned and we spoke for half hour about general chit chat, he had his kids so was not easy to talk.. at the end of the phone call I said I thought you wanted to talk about us, he said I do can I phone you tomorrow night?
So I don't know what he wants to say tonight xx

OP posts:
Lei3 · 21/01/2019 00:57

Seems like he became overwhelmed and just left, but now he is really regretting it. Maybe staying together but living separate for a while will be just what you guys need to make it work. It’s a good way to see if you can work out your issues and then decide to move back in or split up. Your baby comes first always but you have your life as well

Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 21/01/2019 11:28

Thank you so much for your reply x

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 21/01/2019 19:16

he had his kids so was not easy to talk.. at the end of the phone call I said I thought you wanted to talk about us, he said I do can I phone you tomorrow night?

So he can accommodate the distraction when his own kids are around, but your little boy of 4 years old, is treated appallingly. I'd kick this idiot to the kerb. Sorry OP, but this man does not deserve your kindness. Flowers