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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner just left me

114 replies

Amberhoney78 · 12/01/2019 13:07

Hi, my partner of 15 months has moved out saying he can't handle my 4 year old son anymore .. please help I'm broken xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 13/01/2019 13:48

I know, and thinking now it probably is for the best.. my son comes first it just hurts x

OP posts:
Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 14/01/2019 20:35

He text me last night saying how truly sorry he is for hurting me and he didn't mean to and that he never wanted to.. then text me earlier saying I know it won't help but it's killing me!!
What's all that about????

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 14/01/2019 20:43

He's obviously just struggling with coping with a child that isn't his. Let's be honest, they can be hard work, and if they're not yours, it's twice as hard for so many reasons.

Please do yourself and your child a favour and block him. I don't doubt he didn't want to split BUT I think he did the decent thing by being honest about how he wasn't coping. It won't work, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but sadly we need more than just love to make a relationship work.

Lei3 · 14/01/2019 20:53

im so sorry, I know its awful. mine left like that four weeks ago. we have a 3 year old together. In my case, he went to his moms to escape the daily fighting. it has changed each week. one week he wanted to work at it and by the fourth week, we are enemies. so for now, I feel crushed again. give him some time, I bet his feeligns will change.

BumbleBeee69 · 14/01/2019 20:59

OP I understand this is devastating you, but any man that can isolate blame to a 4 year old child, is best gone. Flowers

Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 14/01/2019 21:10

I know all this I really do I just can't understand why he's suddenly texting these things when I have had no contact with him x

OP posts:
Lei3 · 14/01/2019 21:39

because he misses you and he's hurting too. it is hard to deal with kids that are not your own. Maybe this will be a little break that will let him see what's truly important. Maybe he will want to do some family counseling to work through the issues with your son and him.

Kelpiex2 · 14/01/2019 21:43

Texting you because he has nothing to lose?

TheBigBangRocks · 14/01/2019 22:05

Not really a hurdle, it's a lot to ask of a partner to take on four children that aren't theirs.

Given they didn't get on he was wise to call it a day. Surely you didn't want to leave your children in that situation just because of your own wants?

Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 15/01/2019 11:14

After having texts last night saying he's not eating and is throwing up everyday and then a goodnight text I'm even more confused.. he gets on fantastic with my other children 10,12 and 15, they have a lovely relationship and they have even said he acts more like a dad to them than their own!! My 4 year old has been constantly asking where he is and when he's coming home x

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 15/01/2019 13:24

what does he suggest you do with your 4 year old child OP ? you come as a package, as he did with his kids. I'd focus on your kids and ignore the manchild. Flowers

Adora10 · 15/01/2019 13:46

Look he has moved out, that's a big statement, he won't and can't live with you and your four year old, obv the child comes before him so stop the contact; he now wants sympathy from you as to how he copes, Jesus, tell him to bolt OP, you have enough to deal with.

Not blaming him for not wanting to live with children not his, he's found out it's not for him so there is really no point in the two of you continuing, love is not enough to make a blended family work, no way.

Lei3 · 15/01/2019 15:50

did you respond to his texts?

Goodadvice1980 · 15/01/2019 16:05

Hi OP, sorry to hear this Sad

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but where you the poster whose partner seemed to prefer working away on the railway, delaying coming home but being more affectionate when back with you? This seems to ring a bell from a post last year. Apologies if this wasn’t you.

Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 15/01/2019 16:14

Hi yes he started working away mon-fri in September.. he didn't delay coming home though x

OP posts:
Goodadvice1980 · 15/01/2019 16:30

Ok, so was it you posting last year or have I got you confused with someone else?

Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 15/01/2019 16:56

It was about 3/4 months ago I posted x

OP posts:
Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 15/01/2019 16:57

This was the post

Hi.. new to this but need help..
My partner has started working away Monday to Friday and I am a complete mess... I know I’m being pathetic and need to snap out of it but I can’t.. anyone in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Justthoughts · 15/01/2019 17:02

I know it is hard to accept, but keep reminding yourself that it is definitely for the best. You deserve someone who loves and accepts all of you and that includes your children. And honestly, most importantly, so does your son. Your son doesn't deserve you both having to walk om eggshells. Whoever you introduce into your lives needs to be accepting of all of your children, not just the eldest.

Now this does not make your ex a bad person in anyway. The life you had together just doesn't match what he needs and wishes for atm and that's okay. And to be honest - at this point in my life (childfree and not ready to be neither a parent nor a stepparent atm) I wouldn't be able to live with a partner with a young child - regardless og how much I loved them. It would stress me out too much. Young children are hard work and require a lot of patience. There is no shame in that and all it makes you is incompatable.

Regarding him contacting you. He clearly loves you and is hurting. Understandably you both are. Incompatability is really sad when you love eachother, but it is not something to ignore. Be strong and thankfull you shared the connection you did, but also keep reminding yourself why it is for the best - beacuse of your son.
You will meet someone who is ready and prepared to love you and your children and wont find them to be a burden. You don't deserve anything less

Gingersstuff · 15/01/2019 17:08

So by your first post 3-4 months ago you’d known the guy less than a year?? It honestly sounds like he hasn’t done anything very wrong. He’s struggling with living with you and 4 kids after such a short period of time and he’s been honest with you about this at least - though I agree he’s being an arse by continuing to text you - I would block that shit. You sound as if you’ve been very very dependent on this guy but/and you should not have to tiptoe around someone for fear of upsetting them. He’s clearly not for your family. Block and move on but maybe - and this is meant kindly - try not to get so involved so quickly next time? Your kids really need to come first.

Goodadvice1980 · 15/01/2019 17:12

Hi OP, crikey I was really hoping it wasn’t you Sad

I hate to say it, but I’m not surprised. There were things I picked up on at the time but I didn’t want to post in case it upset you. You seemed so positive about looking forward in one of your last posts.

Sadly I reckon he has been thinking about this for a little while and has had more time to emotioanlly “check out” of the relationship.

Do you have any RL support? What do you want? Do you suspect an affair?

I’m really sorry this has happened to you Sad

Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 15/01/2019 17:13

Thank you so much for that reply!!
My daughter has been ill today with tonsillitis, I posted on Facebook as I would normally do, he then has been texting all afternoon genuinely concerned about her.. I just can't get my head around him still contacting me when he left!!
I am in absolute pieces and when I'm feeling 'strong' I do sit and think that this is for the best as he can't 'handle' my gorgeous little boy.. but it still hurts so much x

OP posts:
Goodadvice1980 · 15/01/2019 17:19

OP, I think it might be best to disengage with him for a while.

It is cruel in a way for him to be texting you when he has left. You cannot be left hanging or kept as a back up. He has made the decision to leave.

I hope your daughter feels better soon Flowers

Original poster
Amberhoney78 · 15/01/2019 17:24

Yes things were looking up. The new job never came about.. so I knew that he would be away for at least the 18 month contract..
he always kept up the texts and daily phone calls and was very loving towards me when he came home so I'd quite accepted the fact he was working away..
only last Sunday we had his daughter and the kids were asking when we were going on holiday again as we took them all last year to Portugal, and he said we're going 3rd week in August , that night we slept together , nothing different , then he woke me up at 2.30 with a kiss and an I love you as he usually would, phoned me as normal Monday night then from Tuesday barely contacted me!!

OP posts:
RhubarbTea · 15/01/2019 17:40

It is cruel in a way for him to be texting you when he has left. You cannot be left hanging or kept as a back up. He has made the decision to leave.

Yes, this. He is reeling you back in with little thought of how he has hurt you or what he has put you through. If he really loved you he'd still be there, wouldn't he? Instead of sending texts which are still all about him and how he is feeling! He is clearly quite a selfish man, sadly. Although it does sound like you rushed things so he is probably just panicking as well. SOme men would step up to the plate when presented with your situation and exisiting children. Some just... don't. He is part of the latter category.