Is this relationship weird and inappropriate?

[CustardcloudsAhoy]

I'm in my mid 20's and have never had a father figure (relevant)

A childhood friend who I've always been close to, met her birth father for the first time a few years ago. I got to know the father over time as their relationship developed and they became close. I was introduced as one of his daughters closest friends so met him a handful of times then he added me to social media.

Over time her dad began referring to me as his adoptive daughter which I thought was nice. Before long he'd be messaging me every day to chat and has grown to think of my DS and unborn as his grandchildren and extended family. He'd send DS a present on his birthday and Christmas, and send me cards on my birthday.

I must stress he's never once said anything remotely inappropriate to me or given me cause to feel uncomfortable other than perhaps the volume of contact which I do think is too much. I get the impression he's lonely and/or feels a bit sorry for me as Ive had a shit time of it and don't have much family. I'm not sure which.

My friend (his daughter) told me that she finds it all a bit strange so for that reason I'm going to distance myself and stop responding, but do you think the relationship was strange or inappropriate?

Offenders do not groom children they groom families

This!

I was on jury service once, and we heard a lot about pedophiles playing the long game, befriending the parents first etc.

I am NOT saying this guy is necessarily a pedophile, but I notice you saying you wouldn’t leave your child with someone unless they were already a good friend. Which this guy will be in a few years time.

I am NOT saying this guy is necessarily a pedophile, but I notice you saying you wouldn’t leave your child with someone unless they were already a good friend. Which this guy will be in a few years time.

Exactly. Sadly, most children who suffer childhood SA do so at the hands of family or friends. Please be aware. This man is much too interested in your DS.

I'm taking on board what you're all saying and letting it sink in.

I suppose I would be what is considered vulnerable to some people. I come from something of a troubled background and have problems with anxiety, he knows this.

When we were talking before I mentioned the fact we were looking to upsize and move to a cheaper area when DC2 was born. He was very keen to push the idea of moving to where he lives due to the lower cost of living there. We don't know anybody from that area so won't be doing that obviously, but he did keep bringing it up.

@Joboy I have thought about it and made a few half hearted attempts, like looking online and posting on a couple of websites to no avail. I guess as time has gone on I've been less bothered and figured that if he wanted to know then he'd look me up, I'm easy to find.

To answer the question about whether he asked my permission/I gave permission for him to make a photo album of DS, no he didn't ask and no I didn't express permission.

He breezily told me one day and I thought nothing of it.

He did ask me to send him a photo of DS opening the gift he sent him for Christmas and I did do it on that occasion because it didn't seem like an unusual request at the time.

I'm not coming off very well here am I.

A big part of the grooming process involves identifying a need and then meeting it. This man has recognised your need for a father figure and has exploited that. He sounds more interested in you than he is his own daughter.

Young woman from troubled backgrounds, particularly the care system are often targeted by these types. I've had similar concerns about someone in my own family behaving inappropriately and I found a chat with the helpline Stopitnow very helpful.

Op this isn't your fault. You've not done anything wrong and no harm has come to your son.

He's just lonely and nobody knows why he wasn't in his DDs life.

Perhaps he feels like he's missed out on knowing her friends and is trying to play catch up.

Hmmm just seen him saving pics of your DS... that sounds a bit creepy tbh...but he's told you about it...so maybe he thinks it's ok.

Some people are rather odd...he may be one of them.

He may have MH issues and not think like a normal person would.

I didn't know much about the grooming process. Some of the posters that are giving you advise seem very knowledgeable though. Sounds like it fits with this. Maybe have a read through yourself about it. Other things he's done might raise the red flags too.

Like the other poster said, you've done nothing wrong but now you can look into gaining more knowledge about the subject, which will hopefully help and clear things up for you. What do they say, knowledge is power and all that. Best wishes.

Trust your gut feeling always. If you think it's werid then it's werid.

Very odd indeed. I am close to my nieces but it would never occur to me to ask for a photo of them opening a present I bought them.

I would stop contact with him and don’t worry about offending him. You don’t owe him anything. If it makes you feel better, do what a pp suggested and say you are taking a break from social media and block him.

@CustardCloudsAhoy
DNA tests are best way to your dad . That way you know you have right man .
As for your freinds dad i should back away a bit .
Have you goggle search him?

Thanks for the added perspective I'll have a proper read up about grooming. It's not a subject I've found myself aligned with before.

I have one question though, forgive me for sounding daft. For what reason would an adult groom another adult? (taking children out of the equation because this started long before I had any). If he were flirting or making innapropriate suggestions I'd twig on, but he's not, he's just trying to play dad which I'm beginning to see is weird in itself but perhaps not predatory ? I have alot to think about.

@Joboy I'd be open to doing a DNA but it would mean finding him first. He knows I exist and hasn't bothered with me which says alot so I'm reluctant to put any money into a proper search.

I have Googled friends dad and there's nothing whatsoever in the public domain other than his social media.

No you dont need to find him to do a dna test . Do one with ancestry.

Then go on facebook and join a group like dna detectives
And they will help you .

I've done some reading online and he fits three out of five red flags for grooming. That's taken me aback a bit

@Joboy I wasn't aware I could do a DNA without finding him first and asking for one. Thanks for that I'll bare it in mind

I am sorry about the grooming thing . I would take that and your gut instinct that something is wrong with the communication.
And calm down the photos
Do you know your friends mum . Could you ask her what she know about him .

A pedophile will groom a family so that he has access to the children, for example get involved with single mums so that they can abuse their children.

Or they become a trusted family friend who can then offer to babysit.

Never be friends or in a relationship with someone because you feel sorry for them, ever. A family that my family were friends with when I was a child consisted of a mum, stepdad and son and daughter. Parents split up, man stayed friends with my parents and would drive a really long way to visit us from time to time. The ex wife told my mum she'd only married him in the first place cos she felt sorry for him. That man was definitely a paedophile, I came very, very close to being seriously abused by him, as did my sibling. I'm absolutely sure he married in order to have access to the daughter. He stopped visiting after a while, don't know if our parents rumbled him or we got too old to be of interest.

Adults groom adults for all sorts of reasons. Abusive men do it to romantic partners, manipulaters do it to extract money or favours. It's not always sexual but it is about gaining trust. You cannot manipulate, access or extract things from people unless they trust you. Think about the typical window salesman or chuggers. They're just so nice and polite and we all feel so mean for saying No because we are manipulated into feeling guilty.

I would be quite surprised if his interest in you wasn't sexual. I suspect you are not quite fully aware of just how desperate some old men are for attention from young women. Without a doubt he will be enjoying it very much. An old gimmer like me would have told him to fuck off a long time ago.

One of the biggest warning signs that somebody is off is that they ignore boundaries and social rules. They often ignore No. I know you said you have read back through your conversations and there's nothing sexual. But read through it again, you're not looking for sexual remarks because lets face it, if he was dirty to you at this point you would block him.

Has there been times that he's asked you nosy questions? (Remember it's still nosey even if he asks politely) Does he ignore your attempts to leave the conversation? Does he feel entitled to your time? Do you feel obliged to keep in touch with him? Does he ask about your relationship and your family? Does he try to tell you what a nice guy he is and how you can trust him? Does he ever talk about himself in the third person or stories where he's the hero? Do you find yourself feeling sorry for him?

Make sure you're not distracted when you do this and pay attention to how some of these conversations make you feel both emotionally and in your body.

Interesting that having read up you think his actions have shown red flags for grooming you.

But even if his intentions are benign, his actions in his past, towards your friend (even if she can’t see this) and friendship with you suggest that he is not a good choice of friend for you and DS.

He has done things in his past that would be a deal-breaker for many in choosing or keeping friends - eg abandoning his DC then ignoring her for her whole childhood.

In his present he has prioritised his relationship with you (a friend of his DC he’d only just met) over seeking to make amends and building a relationship with his daughter. That’s a shitty thing to do.

His communications with you have been high volume, frequent, intrusive. He has made inappropriate statements, eg “adoptive daughter”, when he knows you don’t know your bio father or have a stepfather.

Before this contact he hadn’t built up a friendship with you, eg as a neighbour, colleague or through a shared hobby or community interest, which is usually how people of different ages make friends.

You don’t have history with him, and live far away from him. He makes you uncomfortable.

Not much benefit in the friendship for you.