Is this relationship weird and inappropriate?

[CustardcloudsAhoy]

I'm in my mid 20's and have never had a father figure (relevant)

A childhood friend who I've always been close to, met her birth father for the first time a few years ago. I got to know the father over time as their relationship developed and they became close. I was introduced as one of his daughters closest friends so met him a handful of times then he added me to social media.

Over time her dad began referring to me as his adoptive daughter which I thought was nice. Before long he'd be messaging me every day to chat and has grown to think of my DS and unborn as his grandchildren and extended family. He'd send DS a present on his birthday and Christmas, and send me cards on my birthday.

I must stress he's never once said anything remotely inappropriate to me or given me cause to feel uncomfortable other than perhaps the volume of contact which I do think is too much. I get the impression he's lonely and/or feels a bit sorry for me as Ive had a shit time of it and don't have much family. I'm not sure which.

My friend (his daughter) told me that she finds it all a bit strange so for that reason I'm going to distance myself and stop responding, but do you think the relationship was strange or inappropriate?

The more I think about some of the responses to this the more uneasy I feel. Poor bloke. Lonely nice bloke. Doesn't mean any harm. Sounds innocent.

The reality here is this man is showing an unhealthy interest in a child he's never met.

I honestly never looked at it that way before

He did tell me he'd saved some of DS's photos in an album, but given the whole 'adoptive daughter' thing I never gave it a second thought as anything other than harmless.

The truth is other than knowing he's my friends father I don't know too much about him. I always look for the best in people and always thought of him as just a kind natured bloke.

Hearing somebody say otherwise is making me a bit worried now.

This level of contact would make me very uncomfortable and I would probably have unfriended him on Facebook by now. Especially the unhealthy amount of interest in a child he doesn't know.

I accept that I'm more wary than most, because of my own childhood abuse, but the fact is that you and your friend don't actually know this man very well, as he's only just come into your friend's life.

Due to not having a father of my own I've been open to him taking on that 'role' and did begin to see him as a fatherly figure, because ive always longed to have a dad.

I'm quite a trusting person. I wouldn't ever leave my DC alone with him or anybody else I didn't know well, but genuinely didn't see the harm in him calling himself dad/grandad with him being my close friends father.

Re the idea he likes the idea of a big extended family, he's an adult, not a child and shouldn't be indulging in these fantasys. It's simply not true.You don't know him, your son doesn't know him, and you don't need to play along with his sick fantasy that you are his daughter. Are you happy to have your son believe this weird man is his grandad?

www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/signs-an-adult-may-be-at-risk-to-harm-a-child

This man has two of the warning signs. You need to educate yourself, and quickly, because I feel that you've been groomed.

There will never be a time when he's alone with my DC, we live nowhere near one another and I haven't seen him in a couple of years since before I had DS and I've since moved even further away.

I do see your points now they've been highlighted and I'm questioning my own judgement because I've been wrong about people before, I'm ashamed to say I'm quite gullible and overly trusting.

It genuinely never occurred that I was putting the DC at risk and am mortified people think that

The thing is he hasn't sought out a relationship with me because I have children, I know that for certain because he got involved long before I fell pregnant and there was no inkling of children being on the horizon.

Lots of super paranoid people.

The man probably isn't a paedophile. Just as a matter of statistics.

He sounds like a lonely man with a lot of time on his hands being nice to someone and taking it too far.

However, obviously as the OP has said, never leave your kid alone with someone you don't actually know. And even then, be sensible about it, because most paedophiles are friends and family members.

You seem to be doing the best thing, which is dropping the amount of texts going back and forth without just stopping completely.

I find it sad for your friend that this is a fairly new relationship with the she never knew and he has also taken you on board as a new daughter-figure.

I think you have made the right decision to decrease communication.

Custard - i’m gullible and trusting also, and I can tell your interaction with this man is well meaning. It wouldn’t occur to me either that a friendly person had an ulterior motive, as I would presume they were just being friendly.

I agree his whole level of contact with you and faux 'interest' in your family life/children is unhealthy.

Please don't let him have access to any of your dc photos. I wonder if his demeanour will change then.

Sorry OP but please build the relationship with your friend not her absent father. The fact you've had no father figure shouldn't mean he is a substitute.

He has made an album of photos of your son? Who he has never met? Yep, that is fucking weird ffs!!! If he is so into a big family then why did your friend have to track him down, hardly going out of his way was he??? And you feel sorry for him being 'lonely' and see nothing wrong with this random bloke calling you his 'adoptive daughter'.

Everything about this situation is fucking weird, not one of my friends dad has approached me via social media nor texted because there is no need. Get some boundaries and block him, you don't know him and shouldn't be wasting headspace engaging with his constant attention.

I'm sure he means no harm, you would sense if he was really being inappropriate but it is a bit odd. As your friend also finds it strange, I'd distance myself a bit if I was you but not cut him off completely.

She finds it strange because she's embarrassed that her dad is constantly messaging her friend, looking at it from her perspective I would be embarrassed too.

I don't think he means any harm but I do agree it's an innapropriate set up. I'm looking to distance myself from now on but unsure whether I should say anything or not, as he's bound to think something is wrong when I suddenly stop responding.

Well stop worrying about hurting his feelings. Put yours and your children's and your friends feelings first.

That's a problem I have and need to address, I'm overly accommodating and not in the slightest assertive.

The fact he's bought DS Christmas and birthday presents compounds my guilt. There was never any suggestion that the gifts were conditional but when somebody goes out of their way to do something nice it makes me feel indebted to an extent.

My friend was adopted and when she mer her biological father he begun a relation and went onto marry her best friend. I thought it was v strange.

That is very strange yes!

No chance of that happening here as he's far too old for me, I have a long term partner and I'm not remotely interested in him in that way.

So what if he thinks something is wrong if you stop responding? He is nothing to do with you. Something IS wrong. His interest in your son (keeping his pics in an album and sending him gifts) IS wrong. Him constantly texting you IS wrong.
I think his real daughter is probably horrified but is shrugging it off so as not to make a big deal of it, just like you are doing. Some men knowingly push boundaries when women are too 'nice' and accomodating, but conditioned to smile sweety and ignore boundaries being trampled.
I don't think he sounds like a nice guy at all, sorry.

I just can't see what his motivation would be if it were anything other than what he's portraying it as. It's quite confusing to visualise it as anything else.

He even asked me what my partner was into so he could buy him a token gift at Christmas too (they've never met). I did tell him there's no need and to save his money, but that's not the behaviour of somebody with sinister motives is it? God knows. It's all very alien to me and I've not had a 'friend' like it before.

Ok, out of all of your friends how many of their dads have:

contacted you via fb?
Been in daily contact via text/phone?
Told you there were keeping pics of your son from facebook in an album?
Bought your son gifts (who they have never met?)
Asked to buy your partner gifts (who they have never met)?
Refer to you as their adoptive daughter?

I am guessing he is the only one which suggests this is NOT NORMAL.

Who cares what his motivation is, he should be focused on his REAL daughter, but is instead trying to force/buy his way into your family life.
If a stranger showed that level of interest in my dc they would be blocked, no question, but ultimately I feel so sorry for your friend who has probably realised her dad is veeeery strange with totally skewed boundaries.

You can block him from seeing future posts on Facebook without unfriending him. Then tell him you're taking a social media break to spend more time with your family. And don't respond to his messages for several days/weeks at a time (each time).

I did tell him there's no need and to save his money, but that's not the behaviour of somebody with sinister motives is it

Yes it is. And it's well documented. Offenders do not groom children they groom families. They work to gain your trust and work themselves into your life. They seek out vulnerable targets and manipulate them, they create fake intimacy, they do all the things this man is doing including collecting images of children.You are meant to feel guilty about these gifts, that was the point.

The fact that despite only meeting this man several times you've given him the role of grandad suggests to me that you are vulnerable and have been manipulated. He is not your dad and does not deserve that title. The image he is portraying does not fit the facts. There is no family man who loves children and enjoys sending gifts. It's not real and you should know that because he abandoned your freind.

This man has made an album of your son. Did he ask you if he could do this? To put it in perspective I do not have albums of my nephews. While I love them I am not massively invested in their milestones and usually politely nod when told these things.

Have you thought about finding your dad ?