Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is this relationship weird and inappropriate?

96 replies

CustardcloudsAhoy · 10/01/2019 15:19

I'm in my mid 20's and have never had a father figure (relevant)

A childhood friend who I've always been close to, met her birth father for the first time a few years ago. I got to know the father over time as their relationship developed and they became close. I was introduced as one of his daughters closest friends so met him a handful of times then he added me to social media.

Over time her dad began referring to me as his adoptive daughter which I thought was nice. Before long he'd be messaging me every day to chat and has grown to think of my DS and unborn as his grandchildren and extended family. He'd send DS a present on his birthday and Christmas, and send me cards on my birthday.

I must stress he's never once said anything remotely inappropriate to me or given me cause to feel uncomfortable other than perhaps the volume of contact which I do think is too much. I get the impression he's lonely and/or feels a bit sorry for me as Ive had a shit time of it and don't have much family. I'm not sure which.

My friend (his daughter) told me that she finds it all a bit strange so for that reason I'm going to distance myself and stop responding, but do you think the relationship was strange or inappropriate?

OP posts:

Original poster

CustardcloudsAhoy · 10/01/2019 16:26

I think hope he'd be mortified if he knew he was upsetting her but at the moment he's oblivious which I agree shows poor judgement rather than simply not caring.

OP posts:

Miane · 10/01/2019 16:26

The fact that he’s lonely doesn’t make it any less inappropriate.

His loneliness isn’t your responsibility.

This man makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to dismiss your feelings of discomfort just because a man you barely know is lonely.

His behaviour isn’t normal. At all.

Personally I would be making sure he didn’t see any further posts about my children and would absolutely not be in daily contact.

NotTheFordType · 10/01/2019 16:28

It's clearly upsetting your friend and we can all agree why.

I wonder if he's suddenly decided he can throw himself into the "dad" role (after 20-odd years of absence) and has asked himself "What do dads do? Oh yes, they are kind to their DC's friends!" and because you've been friendly and polite when he's contacted you, he's convinced himself he's now a father figure to you.

Would you be happy to say something to him like "I really appreciate you including me as your daughter's friend, but I do have my own family and I think you should really be putting all your energy into building a relationship with her."?

Miane · 10/01/2019 16:28

I think hope he'd be mortified if he knew he was upsetting her but at the moment he's oblivious which I agree shows poor judgement rather than simply not caring.

Come in Custard he ignored his child for 20 years. He’s already shown he’s perfectly capable of putting his own feelings above hers.

Mitzimaybe · 10/01/2019 16:28

I think irrespective of his motives, you are doing the right thing in stepping back a bit from this relationship in order for the sake of your friend. If she's not comfortable with it then that should be your prime consideration (and, to be fair to you, it seems that it is.) You don't owe him anything. Just cool it I guess - increase the gaps between your responses to him etc.

Mrsmadevans · 10/01/2019 16:29

Perhaps he is trying to be closer to his DD through his contact with you OP , tbh you have said she would rather bottle things up and wouldn't want to feel responsible for you being sad so perhaps they are not able to communicate well with each other?

Mitzimaybe · 10/01/2019 16:29

If he's lonely that's up to him to do something about it, it's not on you.

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2019 16:29

I would gently distance myself, but quickly, take a couple of days to respond etc, and then start dropping little subtle things to her, like how's it going with your dad, no I've not heard from him in ages.

I think telling her just how much he's contacting you could be like rubbing her nose in it.

I feel sad for her too. The reality is it's a shitty thing for him to do. His daughter tracks him down and he puts more effort into fathering her mate. That's bound to make anyone feel shit.

He might be lonely, but he'd also have to be thick as pig shit to not know how this will make his daughter feel.

Villagelifer · 10/01/2019 16:32

It sounds to me that he's establishing a relationship with someone who's a stranger (his daughter) and he may have thought that it was nice of him to keep in touch with you (another stranger) since you didn't have a dad in your life.
The impact on his daughter may be misjudged, it was certainly wrong not being in his daughter's life, but it doesn't sound like he means harm.

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2019 16:37

The impact on his daughter may be misjudged, it was certainly wrong not being in his daughter's life, but it doesn't sound like he means harm

He might, if he's knowingly contacting the op more than his own daughter, his intentions may be unpleasant, from wishing to get involved with his daughters best friend romantically to in some way punishing his daughter for not getting in touch sooner, so by demonstrating, look, I prefer her to you.

Original poster

CustardcloudsAhoy · 10/01/2019 16:37

Have sent her a message saying I apologise if I'm off the mark but I've been thinking about how the volume of contact between her DF and myself may be making her feel and I'm truly sorry if she feels as though I've been third wheeling. I added that I'm going to stop responding as much as our friendship is what's important to me and it's not necessary for me and her DF to be in constant contact, least of all to the detriment of her own feelings.

I wish he hadnt added me to social media in the first place now. I wouldn't have accepted him if I knew it would end up getting weird.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2019 16:38

I don't think I would have done that op, I'm not sure what the hell she can respond with.

Notcoolmum · 10/01/2019 16:42

It’s a bit late now but I wouldn’t have messaged her. I think that what you have said was a bit insensitive personally.

Original poster

CustardcloudsAhoy · 10/01/2019 16:48

She replied almost straight away with "don't be daft I don't mind so long as you don't. Whats brought this on?" with two laughing faces.

Yeah I shouldn't have sent that. I don't particularly want to say I've been posting about her DF anonymously on the internet. FS

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 10/01/2019 16:53

That text wasn’t really an apology.

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2019 16:54

I don't think there was much else she could have responded with other than laugh it off. It's gotta sting though.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2019 16:56

His motives can be as innocent and as caring as can be, but if it's bothering you or bothering your friend, then it's time to back away, IMO.

You've done the right thing.

Notcoolmum · 10/01/2019 16:57

I think you are young and desperate to do the right thing but the kinder thing would have been to back off and not have mentioned it. We don’t always need to tell people what we are going to do. Just doing it is enough.
It sounds like she is a good mate and I can see you wouldn’t have meant to upset her. Her dad was clearly filling a gap for you too.

Petalflowers · 10/01/2019 17:00

I think your text to your friend was fine.

Regarding her dad, remain a friend but reduce the amount of contact.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2019 17:00

Xpost

If you don't want to get into the depths with her, just reply "Oh, I don't know!! I guess I just got into an 'overthinking' mood! Never mind me!" Maybe with an eyeroll emoji or something.

But if you are still unsettled about the amount of contact with her dad, just quietly decrease your responses to him without discussing it with her further.

Original poster

CustardcloudsAhoy · 10/01/2019 17:08

I've just spoken to her on the phone.

She asked what's brought this on so I said I was probably thinking too much into what she said, about finding it a bit weird, and wanted to apologise if the friendship was inappropriate or made her uncomfortable.

She said she'd only said that because she felt embarrassed that he was contacting me on social media and thought he might be pestering me or somebody would get the wrong idea (man in his fifties messaging 23 year old)

I reiterated that he's never said anything remotely creepy and I wasn't worried about that. We had a joke about him never being off his phone, though.

Apparently he was spamming her boyfriend with links and tagging him in videos after they met which I didn't know, so it seems to be just part of his personality to text/interact alot.

She asked if I wanted her to have a word with him about the daily messages and I said there was no need, I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. I'll just make myself less available for constant chats.

OP posts:

Mrsmadevans · 10/01/2019 18:00

Glad you have cleared this up OP , it seems he is just a nice if lonely bloke after all.

Petalflowers · 10/01/2019 18:15

Happy outcome

sprouts21 · 10/01/2019 19:23

Freinds new dad or not, I think this is hugely inappropriate. A man you've met a handful of times refers to you as his adopted daughter. A man who has never met your son claims to think of him as a grandchild. It's weird, inappropriate and I'd be wary of someone trying to create fake familiarity and intimacy with me like this.

The fact that you send him photos and updates about your son concerns me greatly. He's never met him, and has only met you a handful of times. I don't accept he sees him as a grandson, his interest in your son is not ok and not normal.

Original poster

CustardcloudsAhoy · 10/01/2019 20:27

I don't directly send him pictures of my son, I upload them to Facebook where he sees them as he's on my friends list.

I think he likes the idea of a big extended 'family' because he's been on his own a long time, missed out on watching his daughter grow up and enjoys having people in his life to fuss over.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4