I think I'm in the friend zone but do I tell him how I feel?

[FriendZoneHelp]

There's a guy I work with who I really like and have done for some time.

A year ago I really felt he was flirting with me, he asked me point blank if I was single, etc. I am but was still living with ex while house was selling. So I thought he was going to ask me out but he didn't. So I asked him out and he said that sorry, he'd just started seeing someone.

He dated this girl for 9 months and they split up a few months ago. So soon after that he asked me out to the cinema and we've spent a lot of time together since then. Lunches, dinner, numerous cinema trips, swimming, etc. We tend to take it in turns paying for each other on these "dates".

But we've never talked about our "relationship" and I kept trying to pluck the courage up to asking him how he felt/telling him how I felt but the timing wasn't quite right. I told myself I would talk to him after Xmas. Over the Xmas period we met up a few times, have progressed to a hug when we see each other and a peck on the cheek and the same when we say goodbye.

We have loads in common and to me there's chemistry. Friends/colleagues have all noticed and reckon there's chemistry (they think more from him than from me oddly).

Then last night we met up and he was talking about a mutual friends new date and I casually asked him if he was seeing someone and he said he has a first date this weekend with a girl he's met online.

I'm gutted but didn't let on. I don't know whether to tell him before the weekend how I feel? But then part of me thinks he must realise and just not be interested so why put myself through the torture and make myself look like a prat? Plus if he realises then it's not very nice of him to string me along like he has been doing?

In his defence the house sale took ages and I'm still living with my ex but he knows very much that we are separated, and I've actually been to look at a house last week to rent which he knows! So I will have moved out within the next few weeks.

Do I tell him? There's a little part of me which says maybe he just hasn't realised but then I think I'm fooling myself, he must know! And if he knows and is dating other women then he obviously isn't interested. But in the last he's told me I'm lovely, that I look amazing, etc. Is he just an arsehole?

Well done for having the balls to ask OP

So you think the OP should continue to spend time with this man on his terms, regardless of how self-destructive and painful it is?

I think if you’re willing to dump a friendship because it won’t ever be more than that, then you don’t value the friendship. Basically you’re saying it’s your way or the highway. You see no value in the friendship other than as a tool to gain a relationship - and once you find out it won’t lead to a relationship the friendship is no use to you any more.

Personally, if someone didn’t value me as a friend then I wouldn’t want to have a relationship with them anyway. If you find a normal respectful friendship painful and destructive because of feelings and thoughts inside YOUR head, then that’s YOUR fault and your responsibility, not your friend’s.

OK, so I have a lot to say about this.

1. Be grateful he told you the truth. I am married to someone I was in the friend zone with, and when I pushed it he decided to have a relationship with me, and children. But the attraction was never really there for him on the romantic level and I've always felt a little grateful he decided to go out with me. It's shite. He didn't want to lose me as a friend but maybe it would have been better that way.

1. Work out really why you want this guy in your life. If you woke up tomorrow and never saw him again what would you feel? Is his friendship worth more than your sense of loss that it will never be more? I have been having a FWB/emotional relationship with someone which now for various reasons needs to end. But I realised that I still want him in my life as a friend, and he feels the same, because we actually do care about each other. Can that work for you?

The key is being honest with yourself, and not harbouring hopes that he'll change his mind.

@Virtually, you are right in that friendship, or having that person still in one's life SEEMS to outweigh the emotions and feelings you feel for them, and I've followed that road. We care about each other, and I value our friendship, but my love for him just doesn't want to die, it's there all the time and I am finding it absolutely impossible to compartmentalise and separate my need for his friendship and my need for his love. Sob.

@Amazonfromkent then I think you need space away from him, otherwise you are just torturing yourself.

My other solution has been to start to meet other people as well, to see how much of my 'need' was about him, and how much was just about needing someone .

Whirlie I think you’ve edited out the part where he said he would no longer meet up with her as a friend once he started dating someone else. And I think you did that because of your own experience. Easily done.

@Virtuallyconfused, I tried, I really did, to distract myself. I'm on OLD sites but I physically can't look at other men. It's making me so sad, that my head understands, and my mind wants to be free, I haven't had sex in months (9 to be precise), and that's absolutely unheard of for me! (being very physical), I'm climbing walls with frustration but I have a really hard time even imagining another man. It's utter obsession, addiction or some sort of limerence that's absolutely killing me.

@Amazonfromkent I've been there, and it sucks hugely.

While I was in love with my DH before we got together tho, I did have other partners, but I never felt anything for them.

I don't know the answer, but maybe it's a matter of giving them up entirely, for a least a decent period of time. A month?

Well done for asking. You know now and can move on. It's hard to let go but get our there and start chatting to and seeing other men. There will probably be someone soon who you'll fall for, even if it doesn't seem like it now.

I need to go as low contact/professional only contact as much as possible for self preservation.

Otherwise I know I will not only find it unbelievablely hard but I will also start torturing myself along the lines of "maybe if he sees me looking good in a new dress, maybe if I lose some weight, wear some more makeup, etc he will realise he wants to date me". And I will start analysing any contact, conversation for signs that he likes me.

I also know if his date this weekend goes well there would be no way he would carry on with dinner dates, cinema trips, etc with me. So I'm not going to feel guilty about doing it first.

I have another male friend who also knows him and have been chatting to this friend today and he's cross with this guy. He considers that romantic interest guy has led me on, etc. From the fact he must have known that I liked him as I asked him out last year. Then he started asking me out on "dates" knowing that I liked him and didn't make it clear that it was never going to develop. That gave me hope and he must have realised that.

Anyway, I've had a major shopping excursion today to cheer myself up! New shoes, dresses and half a tub of ice cream!

And I do think there's been an element of Limerance to this on my part. I've thought about him all the time for 18 months, nearly constantly. Checking him online to see when he was last on WhatsApp, messenger, etc. Planning stuff to ensure I bump into him, etc.

I know this isn't healthy and I need distance. It physically hurts when I see him.

I was going to say 'Limerence' OP. I'm in Limerence right now and I've gone NC since Wednesday. Unrequited love sucks! But you know we have a chance to learn a lesson here; We have a chance to stamp on this shit and learn strength and not give in to it! We'll look back and know we overcame it. 'It's all good' as they say and hopefully in a few months you'll feel 'meh' about the whole shabang!

This "limerance" is a strange thing. It seems to require that the object of desire be unavailable somehow, or at least unwilling to commit. Do men get it too? I suppose so.

This is such a useful thread for me, thanks amazon and virtually for sharing also.

I think my struggle is this - I’ve never been very very close to a man without developing romantic feelings. I’ve been friends with men of course without this but not friends in a seeing them one on one all the time sort of way. All my serious relationships have been friends first then very close friends then partners.

So for me I just struggle to understand why someone could be at the other end of such a friendship and not feel it. I wonder if I’m just less romantic and more practical though about what I’m looking for

Just text him before he goes on the date ....... then you will have nothing to regret.......... worst that can happen is he isn't interested ......... best could be eternally happiness with him.......... don't risk losing that.

Regretting you didn't saying something is worse then rejection

If you feel it ...... say it

'I wish I was going on a date with you '

SEND

Good for you op. Eat ice cream and treat yourself. He actually doesn’t deserve you anyway.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

I've just had the 'we need to just be friends' conversation with someone, and it's never easy even when it's for the best. I cried a lot last week but we will still be friends. Feelings can mellow and perspective restored. Open your eyes to all the other options out there (as i have)

Will you go nc virtually? I’m not sure what to do in my situation. Nc in the past hasn’t worked