I think I'm in the friend zone but do I tell him how I feel?

[FriendZoneHelp]

There's a guy I work with who I really like and have done for some time.

A year ago I really felt he was flirting with me, he asked me point blank if I was single, etc. I am but was still living with ex while house was selling. So I thought he was going to ask me out but he didn't. So I asked him out and he said that sorry, he'd just started seeing someone.

He dated this girl for 9 months and they split up a few months ago. So soon after that he asked me out to the cinema and we've spent a lot of time together since then. Lunches, dinner, numerous cinema trips, swimming, etc. We tend to take it in turns paying for each other on these "dates".

But we've never talked about our "relationship" and I kept trying to pluck the courage up to asking him how he felt/telling him how I felt but the timing wasn't quite right. I told myself I would talk to him after Xmas. Over the Xmas period we met up a few times, have progressed to a hug when we see each other and a peck on the cheek and the same when we say goodbye.

We have loads in common and to me there's chemistry. Friends/colleagues have all noticed and reckon there's chemistry (they think more from him than from me oddly).

Then last night we met up and he was talking about a mutual friends new date and I casually asked him if he was seeing someone and he said he has a first date this weekend with a girl he's met online.

I'm gutted but didn't let on. I don't know whether to tell him before the weekend how I feel? But then part of me thinks he must realise and just not be interested so why put myself through the torture and make myself look like a prat? Plus if he realises then it's not very nice of him to string me along like he has been doing?

In his defence the house sale took ages and I'm still living with my ex but he knows very much that we are separated, and I've actually been to look at a house last week to rent which he knows! So I will have moved out within the next few weeks.

Do I tell him? There's a little part of me which says maybe he just hasn't realised but then I think I'm fooling myself, he must know! And if he knows and is dating other women then he obviously isn't interested. But in the last he's told me I'm lovely, that I look amazing, etc. Is he just an arsehole?

This man does not see you as a romantic partner. Men who are romantically interested say it loud and clear. They will make it known they like you pretty soon, too. If you can’t tell clearly the man likes you, he probably doesn’t. Yes, it is as obvious as that.

Us women are much more subtle and complex and we look for subtle signs and complex attitude in men. But that’s not how men are. They are black and white, a yes or no type people. So if you don’t get a resounding yes from the man in question, 99.9% chance, the answer is no.

Using the benefit of my life experience, I now laugh at my younger self always hoping for some secret affection and looking for signs my romantic object likes me. Now I know if you even have to look for signs or ask the question, it’s certain he is not interested. Men’s feelings are on the surface, they are upfront and straightforward in how they feel. They don’t tend to have ‘hidden passions’ and ‘complex reasons’.

So if I were you, I would be moving on and give this no more of my headspace.

You said earlier he has Aspergers? Is it possible he has misinterpreted your intentions and what you think is obvious he hasn't picked up the clues?
Only you can decide if he's worth taking a bit of a risk for good luck

Basically I think you want to tell him how you feel. The whole rational you present is that you both like each other, have chemistry and would be dating if it’s wasnt for your circumstances and his Aspergers.

So do it, none of us know if it is the right move. But it seems to me that you want to do it.

Personally aspergers or not, I am with MillionScarletRoses. A man will ask you out if he wants to and make no bones about it. Even without the signal you gave a year ago. Your friends and colleagues don’t know how he feels and perceptions of chemistry can be way off the mark. I was once told I had chemistry with a friend and colleague. He was blatantly gay. We were just good friends.

I’m going to be honest and please don’t think I’m being cruel
He’s not into you. Your other friend knows he’s not into you, it’s likely your other friend has asked him about you and he’s said you’re just friends and/or he doesn’t find you attractive in that way but other friend doesn’t have the heart to tell you... so he forewarned you of friend’s upcoming date.

He knows you like him
He knows you’re single
He likes to be your friend and hang out with you

Yet he’s arranging dates with other women and not made a move on you.

He doesn’t fancy you, he likes you as a friend and you need to move on.

I think you should move on too. But maybe tell him why since you're friends. Just let him know that since he wants to date that it's going to be too difficult to be friends now.

What do you have to lose by asking him? If he isn't interested then you don't want to be friends anyway. Ask him, otherwise you'll always wonder

If you don't want to retain the friendship if he doesnt want more then just ask him. You have nothing to lose. Possibly a bit of awkwardness at work for a while but that will pass. And you might have that anyway if you dont ask him and he starts a new relationship leading to you ending the friendship as he'll probably work out why. So just tell him how you feel!

Well I texted him and asked him. Got a reply saying that the attraction isnt there on his side. So now I know.

Yes, I'm sad. Keep questioning myself, what's wrong with me. We get on so well then I guess it must be a lack of physical attraction.

Aww OP. Absolutely nothing wrong with you - and that took courage, well done. His loss. Attraction is a very variable thing and isn’t rational, so don’t let this make you feel undermined. There will be loads of men out there who will be very attracted to you.

You may now have a brief period of reacting to this new information and then move on with great clarity.

Thanks. That's what my friends have been saying. And it's true I know guys who are better looking than this guy, etc who I don't fancy so you're right attractiveness is a very individual thing. I'm sure I will get over this. I'm glad I finally know.

Op

Now it’s time to go nc

It's individual and not a linear scale. Doing OLD, I met with a few people I'd consider to be "attractive" who didn't fancy me... then I went on a date with somebody I consider to be absolutely gorgeous and "knew" I had no chance, only it turns out they really fancied me. So don't take it too hard. We're still together though

You can move on knowing that he’ll miss you a lot though

Glad your friends are being ace OP

Also I think he’s not much of a loss. He was behaving like a potential boyfriend but was definitely stringing you along - and that’s not very nice really. It sounds as if your attraction to him was initially sparked by the sense that he liked you, and then nurtured by his boyfriendy behaviour. If there wasn’t that component to your friendship he would have been happy to continue to hang out just you and him once he started dating someone else. I think you are well rid, and now free to meet someone who will be right for you.

Oh, sorry to hear it op. You sound great. Well done for asking, took guts. Have a cry and then - onwards!

My dear op, I'm almost in an identical situation. I dated a man who I was, and still am, madly in love with, for a few months. He then broke up with me but insisted we stayed friends. Almost a year on, we see each other at least once a week, I hang out at his, we sleep in the same bed but no sex. We cuddle each other.... It's weird. But I can't let go nor move on, I'm obsessed with him and keep hoping against all reason that one day...... It's torture, I suffer. So.... There you go.

My “friend” did the same to me. We were besties for ages. He eventually asked me out and I said no, so he went NC.

It was really hurtful. I felt like he was never a true friend and our whole friendship had been a lie, just a fake because he wanted to date me. Once he found out we’d never date he had no further interest in being my friend.

Sorry but I think it’s awful and manipulative to pretend to be someone’s friend then go NC because you can’t have what you want. If you don’t value the person enough to be their friend then why waste their time.

Very brave of you well done you’ve given yourself some closure (although painful in the short term I realise).

Ps attractiveness is not about you, totally about the other person.

Whirlie it's good to hear your perspective because I did the same as the OP. But surely it's just self preservation?

For me it came down to the fact the friendship was holding me back because of my feelings and it just hurt too much.

Sorry but I think it’s awful and manipulative to pretend to be someone’s friend then go NC because you can’t have what you want

Most likely NC is to allow the person to move on, not manipulative.

It’s not ‘awful and manipulative’ at all. So you think the OP should continue to spend time with this man on his terms, regardless of how self-destructive and painful it is? Also, he himself said he couldn’t see the OP in the same way once dating someone else. So your point makes no sense.

OP move on without a moment of guilt about it. As I say, I think he was the one who was flirty initially and then behaved in a boyfriendy way. Which he acknowledgef by saying he couldn’t continue to see you whilst dating.

Sorry, OP, I actually failed to make my point, which is this: in the beginning he was very much attracted to me. He called me the most beautiful woman he'd ever met and when we had sex he would always tell me just how much he wanted me and that it was all incredible etc etc. He behaved, walked and talked as someone who was absolutely smitten. I am not going to brag but I am honestly, hand on heart, an attractive woman. In the end, the degree of one's attractiveness has very little impact on how the dynamics work out in the end. Gradually, his attraction wore off and now he feels nothing but fondness/friendship for me.

Just text him how you feel. Bite the bullet and get it done!

Sorry, missed your post about you saying you'd told him.

"Men who are romantically interested say it loud and clear. "

That's a stereotype which is often inaccurate. In this case I don't think he is interested though. And he's a work colleague, dating colleagues is usually a bad idea.

"Sorry but I think it’s awful and manipulative to pretend to be someone’s friend then go NC because you can’t have what you want"

Feelings are often more complicated than that. And you may have interpreted his going NC as pure callousness, he's probably embarrassed as hell for himself and for you and decided this was the best way to deal with it.