I think I'm in the friend zone but do I tell him how I feel?

[FriendZoneHelp]

There's a guy I work with who I really like and have done for some time.

A year ago I really felt he was flirting with me, he asked me point blank if I was single, etc. I am but was still living with ex while house was selling. So I thought he was going to ask me out but he didn't. So I asked him out and he said that sorry, he'd just started seeing someone.

He dated this girl for 9 months and they split up a few months ago. So soon after that he asked me out to the cinema and we've spent a lot of time together since then. Lunches, dinner, numerous cinema trips, swimming, etc. We tend to take it in turns paying for each other on these "dates".

But we've never talked about our "relationship" and I kept trying to pluck the courage up to asking him how he felt/telling him how I felt but the timing wasn't quite right. I told myself I would talk to him after Xmas. Over the Xmas period we met up a few times, have progressed to a hug when we see each other and a peck on the cheek and the same when we say goodbye.

We have loads in common and to me there's chemistry. Friends/colleagues have all noticed and reckon there's chemistry (they think more from him than from me oddly).

Then last night we met up and he was talking about a mutual friends new date and I casually asked him if he was seeing someone and he said he has a first date this weekend with a girl he's met online.

I'm gutted but didn't let on. I don't know whether to tell him before the weekend how I feel? But then part of me thinks he must realise and just not be interested so why put myself through the torture and make myself look like a prat? Plus if he realises then it's not very nice of him to string me along like he has been doing?

In his defence the house sale took ages and I'm still living with my ex but he knows very much that we are separated, and I've actually been to look at a house last week to rent which he knows! So I will have moved out within the next few weeks.

Do I tell him? There's a little part of me which says maybe he just hasn't realised but then I think I'm fooling myself, he must know! And if he knows and is dating other women then he obviously isn't interested. But in the last he's told me I'm lovely, that I look amazing, etc. Is he just an arsehole?

I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who was still living with her ex. You might find things change once you're in your own place.

So it needs to be unambiguous but not too intense. And you need to genuinely feel you'll be OK if it's a knock back. I like Mountainsoutofmolehills approach - could it work?

Well he asked me last night if I was seeing anyone/dating and I said no. So not sure I could turn round today and say I was thinking of going out with someone but decided I like him better, etc.

And I'm worried that it will be too late by the time I'm in my own place.....that he will have gone on a date with this girl and then they start seeing each other. I feel if I'm going to tell him it needs to be today/tomorrow so hopefully he might cancel the date?

Hmm. Who asked abut the dating first?

It kind of depends if he's the player type or not. I think you will know the answer to this in your heart. However if you 100% have nothing to lose, how about something like 'I hope your date on Saturday is a nice as I am. If it doesn't work out why don't you take me out on a proper date next week instead?'

I asked first.

I honestly 100% believe he's not a player. I think he's lonely and very keen for a serious relationship and sometimes is a bit desperate. Which is ironic when he's never asked me out and we spend so much time together. I really need to take that hint I think!

He has Aspergers and is quite black and white in how he views stuff so think maybe the living with ex while selling the house is an issue?

You asked this guy out a year ago, he said no. You have now not moved on yourself and from the sounds of it have invested all your time being single into spending time with him. Have you gone on any dates? Are you on any dating apps?
Whilst you've been sat thinking about him he's been chatting up and going on many dates, and God knows what else he's been up to.

From my own personal experience, guys can often just want to use you to hang out with between girlfriends. Not all guys, but a lot. This can either be on a 'friendship' platonic basis, or a fwb type thing. But if he drops you when he gets a girlfriend (like last time) then clearly that shows how he doesn't value you, even just as a friend. I was into a guy like this, in the end I had to distance myself and over time I moved on and now we are actually platonic friends.

I think you want everyone to tell you to ask him and find out for your own peace of mind, but I think all his actions SHOW you that he's not interested. If a guy really wanted to date you, he'd be pulling out all the stops to do so. He'd be texting you a LOT, he'd be asking to see you again, he'd be complimenting you/flirting, he'd want to kiss and cuddle you and spend time alone with you. If he's not doing all these things then he's just not that into you.

Personally I'd be taking the focus off him and putting it back onto you and YOUR life. Get out there and date, start showing him how you have many passions and interests and distance yourself a bit. If he really likes you he'll notice and if he does fancy you he'll want to see you more. The most attractive traits anyone can have is to work on self improvement, if he see's you too busy to hang out with him because you're working on your own life then either you're showing him he missed out or showing him he needs to up his game to get you. But my main point is, stop wasting time and energy on him, because he's clearly putting his focus elsewhere.

Hmm it all sounds a bit messy tbh. I'd never consider saying someone who still lived with someone else.

But, you either have to say something before the date, or keep quiet and move on.

I'd text him, but I'm not very good at controlling my mouth haha!

I don't know whether there is a way you can do it ... considering your situation, I wouldn't send anything funny or blase.

Tell him bluntly that you like him more than "just friends" and ask whether he would like to explore being more than "just friends"

Also if you fancied someone, even if they were living with their ex, I don't think you'd tell them you were going on a date with someone else. Unless he wanted to make you jealous, which I doubt he does - especially as he's very black and white. I just think he see's you as a friend. I don't think he'll cancel the date regardless, but if it's stressing you out that much then just be honest with him. At this rate you have nothing to lose anyway and you'll finally have some clarity. But don't take it to heart if it's a no again.

He wouldn't have told me about the date unless I asked.

He looked a bit panicked when I asked him.

Actually maybe Hellohah's advice is best.

It is tricky because everybody loves a love story. But if it genuinely makes no difference to you, text him.

thisusernameisrubbish' s advice about moving your focus is good if you decide not to or if it's a no.

You asked him last time; he might assume your feelings have changed to those of a friend because you didn’t follow it up.

I’m not saying that’s right btw!

Do you know whether he waits for people to ask him on OLD?

Make a move/make your position clear, you've really nothing to lose as you've said he'd drop you as a friend once he starts dating someone else anyway.

On the surface i don't think he has done much wrong here. On the other hand look between ths lines and there are some mixed signals. You asked him out over a year ago but he was seeing someone so said no.
When that broke down he started seeing you.
If he only sees you as a friend why can't he continue to spend time with you while he was exclusive with someone else. Perhaps it's because he knows you are harbouring romantic feelings for him so thought it would be inappropriate.
But then if that's the case why would he not have made it clear that he is happy to spend time with you now but only on a platonic level.
If I'm honest I always compliment my friends, both male and female, if I notice they look nice/have had their hair done/make an extra effort or are wearing something I like.
And IMO I've never met a bloke that takes so long to let you know that they find you sexually/physically attractive. But then again I've never dated someone on the autistic spectrum so this could be something to consider.
I think you could analyse this until the cows come home but the only way you will know is if you ask him. It could be that he feels the same but doesn't know how to, or want to approach it for various reasons.
It could be he sees you as nothing more than friends. Or it could be he views you as companionship of the opposite sex to fill in the gaps between relationships.
If you are not interested in remaining friends in the latter two scenarios then you have nothing to loose by confronting the situation head on.
I would simply text him, today. Point out you've enjoyed spending time with him but upon reflection, since your conversation about his date, you would like to let him.know that the current status quo isn't sitting well with you. You would like to explore the possibility of moving your friendship to dating. You like him as more than a friend and now you are rectifying your housing issues would be very interested in seeing whether you could progress your friendship to something more. You would like to know whether he feels the same. If yes then great. If not then you hope his date goes well and leave it there. At least then you can move on with a clear head.
Do you want to spend the next few years wondering whether it had legs? Rather than risk a little embarrassment.
One more thing to think About, I know you say you are trying to save face but taking into account his Aspergers what ever you ask him can't be ambiguous and jokey. You either need to be quite blunt about how you feel and what you want (doesn't need to be clingy and over the top but just clear and concise).

I'm just worried about potential awkwardness at work.

@FriendZoneHelp say something!! Please.

I've been with my OH 4 years. Known each other at least 10 years.

Spent years dancing around each other. Kissed early On in our friendship. But neither of us followed it up. Took years of him laying hints. In between our various relationships with other people. I missed the signs and friend zoned him many times. A year before we got together he tried to kiss me. But I thought it was the drink talking. (But was very flattered!)

The next year. We started hanging out more, just the 2 of us. I'd go to his. Took us ages to hug each other good bye. Spoke about ex's and everything. But took bloody months and months before we actually got together. All our mutual friends could see it coming a Mile off but we couldn't see it.

Never been happier

I understand you are pre-empting potential awkwardness at work, but this could come anyway if you never know where you stand.

It is possible, that you not knowing whether you could have moved the friendship on could create a situation you regret, or a situation where you may feel uncomfortable with someone else because of the never knowing (if that makes sense).

I think if you just ask him, and he says he's interested in you - then yay! If he's not, then you know and can consider what you want away from him, you can then start thinking about looking to date other people. At the moment you're sort of in no-man's land, and it's probably best if you get an answer, one way or another.

When I first read this I thought you should just keep quiet. But actually, you need some type of closure, so I would just ask him. At least you will know where you stand.

If you have to text him say something along the lines that the thought of you dating somebody else has revealed that I have feelings for you. Is there any chance that we could be in a relationship? I totally understand if you do not see me in that light but I did not want to let the opportunity pass if there was a chance. I don't want there to be any awkwardness between us if its a no, but I might keep my distance for a bit to spare my blushes.

I think it very unfair to think he's an arehole or has strung you along by doing nothing more than being friends with you. You've already asked him out once and he has declined.

Either ask him point blank if he is willing to take it further, and if he says no again, then end the friendship softly. Just be busy.

No I wouldn't. He's already said no to you so he knows you like him, so nothing to gain from telling him again. He has had lots of chances to make a move with you after he spilt with his girlfriend and met up with you, yet he hasn't. And now he's going on an online date, so he's obviously looking elsewhere.
Maybe it's time to cool your friendship to give you space to move on from him.

Be brave and talk to him before he goes on this date.

If you get knocked back you’ll recover eventually.

If you don’t ask him you will always regret it.

I think him online dating gives you all the answers to be honest. I do think you need to consider the impact of awkwardness at work if you ask him outright. I feel like asking him if he was seeing anyone was kind of asking him outright.