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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I forgive him or not?

84 replies

reesesnlove · 09/01/2019 19:12

My partner cheated a week ago with an escort. We've been together for 6 years and have 3 kids together. He said it's the biggest mistake of his life and he was steaming drunk when he did it. He had no intention to it and it wasn't planned. He took a whole week to tell me. When he told me I told him to get out and take his things with him. He didn't want to leave because the kids would have realised and asked after him. He has promised things will change and he has made 110% more effort than normal but I have a feeling it won't last. His friends are also cheats as well and he's constantly getting drunk with them on the weekends but he's promised that will change too. I don't know what to believe or what to think. What would you do please? I need to look at my situation from another persons point of view.

OP posts:
floribama · 10/01/2019 09:02

You already have a post about this in the 'sex' section with people telling you the exact same thing

Littlechocola · 10/01/2019 09:09

I doubt this is the first time. Maybe he was worried about being found out.

I couldn’t stay.
As for he didn’t want to leave because the children would miss him and ask for him...He wasn’t thinking about you or the children when he had sex with another woman.

Chocolate123 · 10/01/2019 09:09

So every time he gets drunk and accidentally falls into bed with another woman he'll use the same excuse.

pinkyredrose · 10/01/2019 09:35

Sethis it's not illegal. OP you can't trust him anymore, I'd ask him to move out to give you some breathing space.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/01/2019 09:54

He didn't want to leave because the kids would have realised and asked after him
If you want him to leave them tell him to leave.
If he won't, then I'd threaten telling everyone what he's done unless he does leave!
You just need a bit of head-space right now.

reesesnlove · 10/01/2019 09:57

@floribama yes I know but my other post was about potentially catching an STI from him after what he did, this post is about ever looking to forgive him but to be honest I will never forgive it. There's no harm in asking for advice or personal experience from similar things. I think I've read/seen everything I need to now.

OP posts:
reesesnlove · 10/01/2019 09:57

Also his first lot of test results came back negative thank goodness, but still doesn't lift any of the hurt and doesn't make me forgive him either.

OP posts:
WitsEnding · 10/01/2019 10:07

You can't trust him if he gets drunk. So he has to stay sober or leave. If he can stay sober for a few months, then you can decide whether to forgive him; if he can't, it's not going to be a one off.

Next time it will be easier for him to do, because he got away with it once.p

hellsbellsmelons · 10/01/2019 10:13

Don't just trust his test results.
Please get yourself tested for your own piece of mind.

carrotflinger · 10/01/2019 10:43

Get rid.
He's done it once that you know of and if you forgive him and take him back it could easily happen again, especially as you forgave him the last time. He just has to say he got slaughtered with his mates and a prostitute came on to him and he was so drunk he couldn't resist (but not drunk enough that he wasn't able to go back somewhere with her, count out the money she was asking for and get his clothes off - irrespective of whether he was able to do the deed or not.)

My ex had visited a brothel " a couple of times" when he was 18 because that's what people do in this country (he said). He claimed he had never been again. We split up in November after 5 years (and one other short split in the middle of that). What was the first thing he did?
Yup.... drinking and visiting brothel regularly.
I can't get the images out of my head now and wondering if he had in fact been going to prostitutes while we were together - he often had to work late. I will never know but I suspect he probably was.

It's awful and it is haunting me. This incident will haunt you too and you will be wondering forever if he has done it again or is going to do it again.

And then... there is the whole issue of men who are prepared to pay for sex with a prostitute - it's their attitude to women that absolutely stinks. They can pay for what they want and get it and in the case of going to the brothel - they can choose from several different women - the one they find the most attractive etc.
It's absolutely vile.

If I had my time again I would have chucked my ex when he told me he had been to a brothel as an 18 year old. It would have saved me a whole load of heartbreak.

Please get rid. Oh and by the way, the steaming drunk every weekend with mates while you are at home with 3 children is totally unacceptable and won't change.
(Above mentioned ex was also a drinker like this and whenever I brought it up he'd go on about me controlling him and not giving him his freedom).

Adora10 · 10/01/2019 11:35

He booked the Escort, probably same women his horrible drunken mates have used; he's told you because he probably fears an STI, the guilt will make him think this stronger so he's confessed before you finding anything, first thing get tested, you could catch anything from a prostitute, especially a drug using one, secondly get him to fuck, you surely are not going to carry on playing happy families with him?

If you put it under the carpet you are basically telling him it's ok and he will do it again because even though you have went mental, his dirty ass is still in your bed.

Mrsmummy90 · 10/01/2019 11:46

I think that only you can decide this one.
It all depends on whether or not he genuinely is going to change and if you could trust him again. A relationship is nothing without trust.
Either move on together and maybe get marriage counselling or walk away.
Only you can choose what's right.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/01/2019 11:50

I’ve always said that I could possibly forgive a drunken ONS, but never an affair. My exh had a 6 month affair and it wasn’t so much the sex that hurt, it was his capacity for deceit, the lying to me and cover up that really hurt. It was the months and months of gaslighting, making me feel I was in the wrong and emotional effort he put into her whilst not giving a shit about me and our dd. I couldn’t live with that.

If you are convinced it is a ONS, he’s told you off his own back and is genuinely remorseful then there is hope if you can deal with it

Adora10 · 10/01/2019 12:06

For now though he must go, he needs to feel a consequence for his shitty behaviour.

I'd keep him gone and let him prove to you he can be trusted again, and that includes packing in the weekend drinking with mates.

Tbh, I honestly don't know how you get over a man that plans and pays for sex, it's not the same as a ONS at all.

flameycakes · 10/01/2019 12:14

There are sites online that advertise the services of men and women, they work from their own homes, I know women who do it, you would never guess from the outside, I certainly wouldn't trust that this was his first and only time.

MsDogLady · 10/01/2019 14:58

“He said doing what he did made him realise I am the only one for him.”

Really? Sleeping with an escort did this? Not the love and life you have shared? Not your personality and your fidelity? Not your 3 darling children?

What a slap in the face. He needs to leave and feel the loss of you.

supergrains · 11/01/2019 15:12

I personally could never forgive someone who did this.
Some people might be able to forgive and forget, but I couldn't even if I wanted.
I think he's done an unforgivable thing, it's up to you to decide what your standards are for your relationship.

BaeBae · 11/01/2019 17:29

This isn’t going to be popular but I would forgive. On the proviso he stops going out with these friends. My BF if 2 years has been to see prostitutes twice on work trips - I found out looking at his web history. Tbh, it doesn’t bother me, I’d rather he did that than started an emotional thing with someone. I’ve told him I’m ok with it, and suspect now I know he might not see it as such a tempting thing. Either way I don’t care. Our sex life is incredible but if he feels the need to do this every so often, meh, it’s just an anonymous shag, and kinda gives me one in the bank if I ever feel the need for some variety!

You’ve 3 kids, he’s mortified and sorry. He actually told you, he’s feeling so guilty.

Don’t bin it all off for a compartmentalised random drunk shag, life isn’t always straightforward.

SilverySurfer · 11/01/2019 18:15

He didn't want to leave because the kids would have realised and asked after him.

Tell him it's a pity he didn't think of his kids before paying for sex. I'm sorry OP, you must be heartbroken - there's no way I could forgive and could never forget.

BaeBae I'm staggered that you have so little self respect and have set your bar so low that you've told your bf that you are ok with him fucking prostitutes. So anything goes?

AnyFucker · 11/01/2019 18:55

Bae I feel sorry for you. Please do not encourage other women to debase themselves like you do.

YellowStickRoad · 11/01/2019 19:35

His behaviour is disgusting and horrible to you and your children OP.

It isn't forgivable, you don't need to spend your life wondering if he's paying other women for sex. Be single and meet someone better.

BaeBae · 12/01/2019 11:41

So break up a 3 child family unit for one mistake which he’s extremely sorry for? I think the ones saying leave are irresponsible and narrow.

Just because I have a slightly (god forbid on here) different take on what is acceptable in my relationships does not mean I debase myself, who says relationships can’t have different parameters? Mumsnet? Please.

OP, if your relationship is otherwise strong and he is a good partner and father do not just leave him. It’s fucking hard being a single mum. But if you feel he’s going to do it again or puts his friendships and going out with these friends above you and your children then tell him it’s not tenable to continue.

reesesnlove · 12/01/2019 12:27

@BaeBae I appreciate you sharing your opinion and your own story, so thank you. I don't judge you for your relationship choices and as long as you are happy that's all that matters. Like you said he has apologised and he does seem genuinely remorseful. He has agreed not to go out drinking with these friends again but tbh he's stolen 6 years worth of trust from us and I'm not sure how long he'll last missing out on their partying. I'm not gonna start being controlling but I won't stand for going out and getting drunk every single weekend. He's 25 but still very much acts like he's 18 and I don't think age is maturing him at all on that front. He's a good dad but could be better tbh. I hope he will stick to his promise to be better for us. I still haven't 100% made my mind up yet as I need time, but time will tell me what's right. Thank you for all your advice everyone, I am grateful for it

OP posts:
BaeBae · 12/01/2019 12:46

@reesesnlove Thanks for that Smile

It will take time to forgive (and forget). See how things go. If he’s agreed to stop partying etc he might be on the way to growing up a bit. He needs to prove it, so let him try. Men can so easily compartmentalise their actions but the fact he is so sorry and actually told you is a good sign. You’re both young and a long relationship will have testing struggles all along the way of some form or other.

As you now have ‘leverage’ talk to him about other things such as whether he could do more with the kids etc.

Closetbeanmuncher · 12/01/2019 13:02

BaeBae wouldn't it be easier to be single, you then have variety and control of potential exposure to STDs??

Relationship bar level - basement.

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