Should I forgive him or not?

[reesesnlove]

My partner cheated a week ago with an escort. We've been together for 6 years and have 3 kids together. He said it's the biggest mistake of his life and he was steaming drunk when he did it. He had no intention to it and it wasn't planned. He took a whole week to tell me. When he told me I told him to get out and take his things with him. He didn't want to leave because the kids would have realised and asked after him. He has promised things will change and he has made 110% more effort than normal but I have a feeling it won't last. His friends are also cheats as well and he's constantly getting drunk with them on the weekends but he's promised that will change too. I don't know what to believe or what to think. What would you do please? I need to look at my situation from another persons point of view.

I also think the escort story doesn't add up. I wonder if he said escort as he thought it was better than going home with someone he might have an affair with?

He's not trustworthy, get an STI test anyway.

I'd say he has told you because he felt he had no choice. People don't risk a confession without having good reason. Did he use contraception? Did you sleep with him after the other woman and before he told you? I expect he thought you would find out.

Get an STI test straight away.

You don't have to put up with this behavior. Why do you stay in a relationship with a man who leaves you to carry the burdens of parenthood most weekends while he goes out drinking with a bunch of cheats? Whose fucking money is he spending to do this - answer is yours and your children's.

He's a cunt. Show him what you are made of and throw the bastard out, He does not respect you and he doesn't respect women in general.

Absolutely agree with PP .. show him what you're made of.
Are you really someone that would tolerate this bs?

OP - you don’t need to make any decisions now, and not for a long time. You are in shock now.

If it makes any difference - most affairs don’t lead to breakups of marriages. People seem to stay and work through them. And it probably has a lot to do with long history and children.
And in his case it isn’t a affair. Most likely a one night stand. And he did tell you and seems remorseful.
All good first steps to working thought it IF you decide you want to.

You're going to need a lot of time to come to terms with this, whatever you decide. You could probably benefit by talking it through with someone unconnected. If you don't know who you can speak to I'd recommend reading (and posting on) the Surviving Infidelity site.

If you do decide you want to work it out, honesty is paramount. I don't think he's been completely honest with you yet, because as you said, for someone who was steaming drunk, he sure remembered a lot. And if he actually wasnt that drunk, chances are he would have got it up and finished fine.
Then there's him going out getting drunk with cheating mates. That would have to stop, as he's just proven he will take the chance to be unfaithful if it is presented to him. That would no doubt happen again. Where were his mates when he went off with this whore? Doing the same, or encouraging him? He should be happy to remove himself from their immature influence completely, if he really wants to stay with you.

But in my experience, give them the benefit of the doubt and they'll screw you over worse. It sounds like you're still young, so I'd seriously think about separating if I were you. How he behaves during a trial separation will show you how he really thinks about you. If he works hard to make himself a trustworthy family man, you might want to work it out. If he uses the time to go out, see other ppl etc, it's not worth bothering. (And that's the advice I wish someone had given me.)

Sex workers who approach drunk men in the street are desperate, usually trafficked, and more often than not abused by their pimps. He didn’t “cheat with an escort”, he participated in the abuse of a desperate young woman. For a crappy orgasm. For a few quid. He’s despicable.

It’s not just about him “cheating” on you. A man who uses a vulnerable young woman as a repository for his jerk off just because he can is not worthy of you.

I'm scratching my head wondering where the hell he was to have someone in the UK say "I offer sex for x amount" on the street. Given how illegal prostitution is, that seems massively unlikely unless he and his mates had deliberately gone to the local hooker spot. In which case she wasn't an escort.

Going out and getting drunk with the lads who cheat on their partners... I don't even know how you could respect him in the first place, if that's how he behaves and who he hangs around with. Talk about a piss-poor calibre of people.

To answer your question, no, not a chance in hell.

Oh OP no, you can’t forgive that.

He used another human being as an object to have sex in.

He betrayed you. You can no longer trust him.

I'm scratching my head wondering where the hell he was to have someone in the UK say "I offer sex for x amount" on the street

Any slightly shady area of any major town or city? My dad got approached while working away, he was with my mum at the time! They weren't anywhere particularly dodgy. I also used to live in a suburb of london which I didn't think of as being shady, but come nightfall, out came the street corner ho.

@Productrecall "with this whore "

Nice language there, I think you meant 'woman' or sex worker

Quite a lot of escorts, particularly ones who work for themselves, will use upmarket bars to try and find clients so I wouldn’t assume that this is untrue. Of course it hasn’t been clarified if this was the case or if it was a street based sex worker.

You think sex workers aren’t working regular bars and hotels? Think again.

Nice language there, I think you meant 'woman' or sex worker
Nope.

Forgiving is one thing, forgetting another.

If my husband had done that I might have forgiven him but not sure I would have wanted to live with him any more.

You have to work this one out but I would say, for the time being, have some distance from him - as much as possible - and assess how sorry and repentant he is.

I feel very sorry for you and also for him, stupid, uncontrolled man. He will certainly live to regret this.

My suspicion is that he's told you because someone who knows you either saw him going with this woman, or found out about it, and has said that if he doesn't tell you about it, then they will.

He was feeling so guilty he went back out and got drunk within a week, then confessed? If he was that guilty, he wouldn't dare risk going out drinking again if he can't trust or control himself. Perhaps he only confessed because someone else was threatening to tell you, one of the other guys wives? Personally I don't think I could move on from this if all his mates are the same, you could never trust him to go out again!

He's fucking got THREE KIDS?! What sort of a sleazy degenerate have you shackled to yourself to? This is not the behaviour of a decent family man. And I don't even mean the "escort" story. Why is is he out getting wankered every weekend with his dishonest cronies?

You can judge a man by the company he keeps.

I think I’d be inclined to forgive him if it wasn’t for two things - 1) he’s full of shite 2) it’s only been a week

He clearly booked this escort, op. And he couldn’t have been that drunk if he managed to book, get the cash and shag her. Escorts don’t approach men - they don’t need to!

Secondly - its been a week. You don’t know whether he’s “changed” or not. There hasn’t been enough time to tell!

He’s full of lies even when he’s claiming to tell you the truth. Oh and one other thing - he shouldn’t have to shag another woman to realise it’s you he wants

If you stay with him & basically allow him to get away with this

He absolutely will do it again

If it was a prostitute and not some random girl, that money would have far better been spend on you and your three kids. He made his choice.

His friends are shitty by your own admittance and he constantly goes out to get smashed. You and your family deserve better.

Tell him where to go and get yourself tested.

Basically he is someone who uses women, especially if she approached him she is very likely to be an addict and/or have a pimp. So vulnerable - and he was willing to use her for his own needs.

He has probably already cheated on you before - I would definitely get a STI check. This wasn't a stag weekend but just a normal night out with the lads.

And he has 3 small children but still goes out with the lads to get drunk every weekend? He needs to learn to be a farther - maybe being a single parent will make him grow up.

I also doubt he was going to tell you himself, someone else was threatening to tell you (maybe the prostitute? A bit of blackmail would be a nice extra earner for an addict).

Kick him out. Give yourself time and space to sort your head out.

Oh no way on earth could I forgive this

I couldn't forgive him going out and getting plastered all the time with shitty scumbag friends whilst I'm at home looking after our three children

I do agree though that I reckon he's been seen or threatened by someone, hence him telling you. But what an absolute coward that he felt that "guilty" he had to go out an get pissed to tell you

Unforgivable and I'm sorry he's done this to you OP

With cheating, for me it's a deal-breaker.
But I always say that it's totally up to the person who was cheated on as couples can get through it.
UNLESS.... it's a prostitute.
Sorry - but that is not something anyone should forgive.
Please get to your local clinic for STI/STD checks asap.