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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how can i get DH to treat DC and me with respect and love?

559 replies

frustratedwineaholic · 08/01/2019 13:10

Hi, I am felling really stuck in my relationship. I want to end out marriage but I can't. He will not leave our house and I have been advised by a solicitor not to leave as then I will be unlikely to ever get back into our home or receive any equity from it. This is why I am asking for advice on how to change my husband. I know you can't really change people, they themselves have to want to change but I'm so desperate.

we have 4 dc, only the younger 2 are dh's. they are 12, 10, 6 and 4. DH is usually grumpy and always finds a way to suck the fun out of everything involving the dc. when we have a rare night off he is different, but mostly only if we are with friends. He hates being wrong and can never apologise. he tells the dc not to shout but then shouts at them, he never listens to them, just jumps to conclusions and unfairly punishes them by sending them to bed early, when when i attempt to calmly explain why they did whatever it was and he knows he has over reacted he will not back down, he just becomes angry and starts shouting at me. a few recent examples,
DS2 is like Jeckyl and Hyde, one minute he is the ost loving, cuddly little 6 yr old and he next he just seems to get this look in his eye and he is horrible, he spits, throws things, kicks and hits me and dc, tries to run away all because of the slightest thing like time to close he pet cage. This morning he got up early, he shares a room with DS1, DS1 is in the top bunk and DS2 the bottom, he took his pull up off (diagnosed over active bladder) and threw it at DS1 face then spat at him for no reason. I had an operation yesterday so still under affects of general anaesthetic and was call DS2 to stop, DS1 was shouting Mummy help, I got out of bed, held onto the wall for dizzyness and held DS2 hand puling him away, DH came out o the kitchen and sent both DS to time out, I got cross as DH is always picking on DS1 in my eyes and told him DS1 is not going to time out and DH shouted at me that he was shouting so people down the road could hear, I said he was calling for help as DS2 was throwing a wet nappy at him and spitting at him and DH starting shouting at me for having a go at him and threatened to go to work and leave me to it, it was 6am and DH was going to work late to enable him to do the school run following my operation. I just backed down as I know him well enough to know he would go off and leave me. I had aa major operation 2 years ago and couldn't walk easily or lift anything, he stormed off the following day after an argument and left me unable to eve have a cup of tea. Anyway, he as then in an awful mood, storming about, telling everyone off for the slightest thing, made my DD1 cry as he refused to get her a toilet roll from the cupboard as she should have go it herself before sitting down. in the middle of all this chaos DS2 is still being a total nightmare, he poured salt into the last of the milk so my DS1 lost his temper with DS2 and picked him up from the breakfast bar stool and roughly put him on the floor, DH went mad and DS1 bravely told him he has had enough of being blamed for everything, he said he wont be here later, DH told him he is going to bed early for his mouth.

I can't take anymore, I called a local counselling service to enquire about family counselling but I can't afford it.

Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 03/02/2019 14:24

It's scary. Very scary. But you can do this. You need to do this. You know that. You know that your children need them to do this. To rescue them. You aren't doing it for you, even though one day you will see that it was the right thing for you too. You're leaving because this situation is hurting your children. You're leaving because this situation is traumatising your children. You're leaving because you love your children. You're leaving because you have to get your children out. You're leaving because your children need you to save them. And you are strong enough to do that. Because you're their mum.

Stay strong. You can still love him, and know that he is abusing you, and your children, and that you cannot be together. But you cannot know that he is abusing you and your children, and still stay. That would truly destroy you.

Original poster
frustratedwineaholic · 03/02/2019 17:01

You are all truly amazing. Thank you so much for your support. I have pulled myself together for now.

OP posts:
another20 · 03/02/2019 17:28

As others have said - re read the thread when you have a wobble. Something new will catch your eye each time. Calm and peaceful home for the 4 children to recover from this ordeal is nearly there. You are brave and strong - you will be rewarded for this by happy children. Keep focused.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2019 17:58

I have pulled myself together for now.

I knew you would. You're an intelligent and insightful woman who has more fire in her belly than she realizes.

You'll do this. You may feel scared and worried a bit, but it will all work out right for you in the end. Just wait until the first morning you wake up in your new, quiet, peaceful home. Girl, there will never be another morning that feels quite as good as that one will!

PS, buy something sinful and delish for your first morning, be it extra bacon or chocolate bars. (Or both!)

tubspreciousthings · 03/02/2019 18:54

I'm glad you've talked yourself round OP. If you need any more incentive, your daughter has already spoken to school about the environment at home (I think?) so if you don't move out the school may feel they need to refer you to social services.

PositivelyPERF · 03/02/2019 19:49

Well done OP. Come back any time you’re stressed and we’ll give you a hug —good shake— when you need it. 😉

KatyLovesKats · 03/02/2019 22:13

Stay strong, Frustrated. You will be nervous tomorrow and worried you are going to lose your nerve. You might pack and leave with doubts and you might even end up in your new place on Tuesday thinking you have done the wrong thing. But you are doing the right thing. It is just fear that makes you want to back out. Hang in there, there will also be a feeling of relief that you and your children will not have to be subjected to his awful behaviour again, and that is a new beginning... Be ready to comfort your children as they may be upset by the change, just stay calm and positive and tell them it is all going to be okay. And believe it yourself because it is true. From personal experience I can tell you there is no feeling as good as knowing you and your children are together and you're safe. It's going to be ok.

coppercolouredtop · 04/02/2019 04:01

You're doing great 👍! You really are.

I was watching with interest because I was a child in this position and my mum didn't step up.
So now we have no relationship at all and haven't had for the best part of 20 years.

Like I said....this might not be forever. But it will either give your dh the massive boot up the arse he needs or he loses you all - but he has to choose now - you can't do it for him.

And either way - your kids will thank you .
And you will be making a stand. For
Yourself. For your kids.

It will be hard and lonely at times but you are 100% right in this.

And you will be ok. Just one step at a time x

Stpancras · 04/02/2019 04:14

I’m so pleased to see where this thread is going.

Your relationship with your H sounds very much like my parents. They are still to-ing and fro-ing about getting divorced in their mid 70s!!! What a waste of life.

The utter toxic atmosphere I was raises in still impacts me every single day and I’m nearly 40!! Good luck OP, I wish my Mum had been as brave.

Buggeritimgettingup · 05/02/2019 06:16

Sending, love, strength and a shit load of positive vibes your way op xc

category12 · 05/02/2019 06:20

You can do this, op.

Original poster
frustratedwineaholic · 05/02/2019 06:22

Thank you buggerisit

For want of a better phrase, i’m Shitting it!

I can’t believe today is the day we start our new life. I feel kind of numb.

OP posts:
Apple103 · 05/02/2019 06:37

Have been thinking of you. Today is the new start of a new life for you and DC. It will be hard and scary but then it's going to get so much better . Be kind to yourself, remember what you're doing is brave and life changing so take it one step at a time. You are moving forwards and that's a good direction to be going. Wishing you all the best. X

Weezol · 05/02/2019 06:49

Deep breaths, take it one step at a time - try to acknowledge every achievement. First bag/box taken out of the house - tell yourself well done. Getting in the car to leave - know you are getting you and your children to safety. You are a fantastic mother for doing this. First time you boil the kettle in your new place - remind yourself you're bloody brilliant.

donajimena · 05/02/2019 06:59

Good luck. The children will be so happy. I was in an abusive relationship for 9 years and if I'm honest I will always have a spark for the wanker but I can look back now and think it was a shame he was not the person I thought he was. I don't miss him because he was awful but I miss what it should have been.
I'm happy with someone else now. Not living together. I come first now.

O4FS · 05/02/2019 07:02

But a better life. A calmer life.

And when you’ve settled down you’ll feel different. You realise that for years you’ve had all those stress hormones, anxiety, adrenaline fuelling you. And it’s gone.

I expect you’ll have some sad times and some grieving, but grieving what you didn’t have.

And it will be ok. Better than ok. Your children will be happy because you are happier.

category12 · 05/02/2019 07:02

Don't be surprised if there are some difficulties for the dc to begin with, but ultimately it will be so much better for them, and you'll have a happier, emotionally safe home. You're doing the right thing. Flowers

angieloumc · 05/02/2019 07:03

Will be thinking of you today OP, you are so brave. This evening when everything is done you will sit in your new home and there will be no friction, just peace.

ree348 · 05/02/2019 08:19

Good luck!!!

Original poster
frustratedwineaholic · 05/02/2019 09:45

Well I’m in the new house. Haven’t got any stuff here yet just came for a quick look. It’s so surreal

OP posts:
another20 · 05/02/2019 09:51

Congratulations - that house will be a calm and peaceful home in no time. Does he know you are leaving today? Is the car still blocking the drive? Keep strong and focused on your DCs

PositivelyPERF · 05/02/2019 09:53

Well done. You’ve done incredibly well in such a short t8me. I’m keeping everything crossed for you.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2019 10:02

Wow OP.
It's happening.
Well done!
It's gonna be very weird for a while.
But you'll soon settle into your new peaceful life.
Good luck getting everything sorted today.
Here's to your new life!!! Gin

Teaandcrisps · 05/02/2019 10:10

Thinking of you on this life changing day. Well done!

TheABC · 05/02/2019 10:19

Delurking to wish you a calm and productive move. Good luck!

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