how can i get DH to treat DC and me with respect and love?

[frustratedwineaholic]

Hi, I am felling really stuck in my relationship. I want to end out marriage but I can't. He will not leave our house and I have been advised by a solicitor not to leave as then I will be unlikely to ever get back into our home or receive any equity from it. This is why I am asking for advice on how to change my husband. I know you can't really change people, they themselves have to want to change but I'm so desperate.

we have 4 dc, only the younger 2 are dh's. they are 12, 10, 6 and 4. DH is usually grumpy and always finds a way to suck the fun out of everything involving the dc. when we have a rare night off he is different, but mostly only if we are with friends. He hates being wrong and can never apologise. he tells the dc not to shout but then shouts at them, he never listens to them, just jumps to conclusions and unfairly punishes them by sending them to bed early, when when i attempt to calmly explain why they did whatever it was and he knows he has over reacted he will not back down, he just becomes angry and starts shouting at me. a few recent examples,
DS2 is like Jeckyl and Hyde, one minute he is the ost loving, cuddly little 6 yr old and he next he just seems to get this look in his eye and he is horrible, he spits, throws things, kicks and hits me and dc, tries to run away all because of the slightest thing like time to close he pet cage. This morning he got up early, he shares a room with DS1, DS1 is in the top bunk and DS2 the bottom, he took his pull up off (diagnosed over active bladder) and threw it at DS1 face then spat at him for no reason. I had an operation yesterday so still under affects of general anaesthetic and was call DS2 to stop, DS1 was shouting Mummy help, I got out of bed, held onto the wall for dizzyness and held DS2 hand puling him away, DH came out o the kitchen and sent both DS to time out, I got cross as DH is always picking on DS1 in my eyes and told him DS1 is not going to time out and DH shouted at me that he was shouting so people down the road could hear, I said he was calling for help as DS2 was throwing a wet nappy at him and spitting at him and DH starting shouting at me for having a go at him and threatened to go to work and leave me to it, it was 6am and DH was going to work late to enable him to do the school run following my operation. I just backed down as I know him well enough to know he would go off and leave me. I had aa major operation 2 years ago and couldn't walk easily or lift anything, he stormed off the following day after an argument and left me unable to eve have a cup of tea. Anyway, he as then in an awful mood, storming about, telling everyone off for the slightest thing, made my DD1 cry as he refused to get her a toilet roll from the cupboard as she should have go it herself before sitting down. in the middle of all this chaos DS2 is still being a total nightmare, he poured salt into the last of the milk so my DS1 lost his temper with DS2 and picked him up from the breakfast bar stool and roughly put him on the floor, DH went mad and DS1 bravely told him he has had enough of being blamed for everything, he said he wont be here later, DH told him he is going to bed early for his mouth.

I can't take anymore, I called a local counselling service to enquire about family counselling but I can't afford it.

Any advice gratefully received.

Maybe if he was a better father and husband, he would have his family around him, when he’s sad. Instead, he’s a selfish, cruel swine, that treats his family like crap. Don’t get suckered back in, OP. You and your children deserve better.

What PERF said. We choose the consequences when we choose our behaviour and that's what's happening to him. Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind.

And yes those tears were for HIMSELF - a grown man missing his Dad. Sounds like he was fortunate enough to have had a dad around in his childhood and adulthood and one he could respect. It’s a shame that his own children won’t have this privilege.

Has he shed any tears for his two toddler children whose young lives have been polluted and disrupted by his own behaviour?

It is hard to stand by while someone you care for needs comfort, but sometimes you have to. This is one of those times; I'm sorry he's putting you through it. You know that if you give him a cuddle, then it is the first step on the slippery slope of your staying instead of leaving.

Maybe he was crying for his dad, maybe he was crying for himself, maybe he was hoping that it would elicit your sympathy so thaat you get back in your box and he can carry on abusing you and your children. Who knows? It's not going to lead to everlasting happiness for you, whatever.

Feeling sad is normal at the end of relationship, you are losing hopes and dreams, but you know they are not going to come true if you stay. You can ride out the sadness and then you will not need it anymore.

Op I am worried for you. He knows when you are leaving and he knows it's real. The older DC not being there makes it even more real. Hes already blocking you in, so he has started planning being difficult. Maybe worth it going over to your parents tomorrow with the DC and just coming back with alot of people on Saturday moving day.

He doesn’t know when we are leaving Apple103

I know it’s all his own doing. I just need to get out of here as I can feel myself caving. I won’t go back on my decision, I made it for dc not me. I just need to stop loving him

You need to keep it together OP - you know this is the best thing for your children. Set yourself a couple of tasks everyday, re-read the beginning of the thread, remind yourself what an arse he's been to you.

Why keep loving a man that doesn’t love you? Someone that loves another person doesn’t treat them like shit and try to emotionally damage their children. Think about it, OP. If a man loves his children, why would he try to damage them for his own gain?
That’s not love!
That’s control!
That’s selfish!
That’s child abuse!

If you stay, because you love him, then that means you’re sacrificing your children for your own needs. You’re nothing like him, so I’ve faith that you will put your childrens’ mental health and happiness first.

I hate to sound like an absolute bitch, but how long ago did his dad die? Has he gotten upset on every birthday like this or is he just trying to manipulate you?

You'll stop loving him in your own good time. But for now acknowledge it. Wishing it away won't make it disappear overnight and mentally fighting it uses emotional energy. Tell yourself "Yes, I love him right now. But love is not always enough. It's not enough for me to stay involved with him because it's not enough for him to change. I will act as if I don't love him and that will have to do for now".

You can love someone to distraction and that doesn't mean they are healthy or good for you (as you have discovered). I think most of us have been in that position. I know I have, and all I could do was acknowledge that feeling but make the decision to 'fake it til you make it'. You'll get there, too. And once you aren't faced with him every day that healing will begin.

Great post Pond55.
Hope you're ok op. Stay strong!

Frankiesamson - I very much doubt he presented himself this way when they met. Nice bit of victim blaming.

Stay on track, op.

A few tears don't mean change. He's still the man who has consistently chosen to bully his family, year in, year out, damaging the dc and throwing away your love.

Still the man who only days ago was making your life, and the dc's, miserable.

Still the man who would pick destroying the house over providing for the children.

How many 'big sleeps" until you leave?

What an incredibly insightful and helpful post frankiesamson.

Do you often try to make victims of abuse feel even more shit about their situation? Does that make you feel better about yourself?

Try and see it as an addiction, op. Which is what it is.

Think of eg alcoholics who repeatedly go back to the booze even though it's killing them and those they love. Addiction to an abusive partner is no different.

When you're straight, go to coda. This will address your addiction to him. (Don't think I'm pointing fingers, I've been there. Apart from anything, going to CoDA and working on myself gave me something to think about other than him.)

Please contact your local Women's Aid and get someone on your case as a matter of urgency. I am very concerned he is extremely volatile at present and could do something terrible to you and/or the children. Please don't think this couldn't happen to you or that you could control him to prevent it.

Well done for all you've done so far. Roll on the day you're free xx

I know he doesn’t love me, he told me on Saturday that he hasn’t for ages. He almost tried it on last night but I blanked it and this morning he was not speaking time again.

I feel really upset today, had my first day back at uni and told one person as she asked me how the house renovation was going, she then told me she fled dv 12 years ago, was in refuge etc, I was holding back the tears. I just need it to hurt up and be Tuesday, then with some space I can start to fall out of love with him.

Just about to go to meeting I arranged with DS2 teacher to tell her what’s happening so she can support DS if needed. I’m dreading this, just trying to hold it all together. It’s DD1 birthday tomorrow and she is not even staying at home!

Good luck at the meeting and please remember, things will get better. It may feel worse at times, but that is temporary. The future will be much brighter for you and your children, when you don’t have a vicious man dragging you all down. Just imagine having the freedom to make your own rules, with no one able to make you feel wrong.

Good luck with the school. You have already given your DD1 the best birthday gift of all time. Well done.

You have shown her that she is wonderful, how to value herself and how to leave a toxic relationship. She will be able to see those red flags waving a mile off, so you have saved her from misery and abuse.

Thank you.

School was ok, teacher was lovely and very supportive and I didn’t cry!!

DH just asked me what I am doing for DD birthday, I told him and he asked if he was invited, I just said no. He has not said anything else but I can feel the atmosphere.

I have gone to bed, sat in DD top bunk writing a list of all the things I can’t forget on Tuesday! There is so much, I don’t know how I will pack up everything in a couple of hours!

Can you start putting things together now? Less obvious stuff gathered together so you just need to grab and go? Obviously depends on what is it, but could you fill a spare laundry basket with clean clothes for example so you're not bothering with suitcases?

Could you hide things, OP? Fill a suitcase and hide it in the garage covered with an old blanket or something? Or fill a container/bin that is kept in the garage? Or put a bag of clothes in an old bin? Or hide stuff in your car or a friend's house? It is such a good idea to have a list. Just make sure he doesn't see the list! I am crossing my fingers for you.

Just continue to make your lists and be aware of where the things you want to take are in the house and try to organize getting them out in your mind. Right now he's probably in hyper-aware mode and may be watching for things being moved or to disappear so be cautious.

Listen, you'll do the best you can to get it all out. But in the end, it's just 'stuff' and you can always get more 'stuff'. Focus on the truly irreplaceable and the absolutely necessary.

You have (IIRC) 5 more days to get through. You can do this.

Oh, and huge trash bags are great for clothes, towels, bedding AND unbreakables like pots, pans, books and plastics. Anything unbreakable should go in a trash bag because it's fast and holds a lot. Only breakables and valuables should be packed in boxes.