Is this weird - viagra

[Bumblebee777]

My oh is 16 years older than me. When we first got together we spoke about sex and he said he doesn't really get the urge that often which I was ok with.
Soon after I found viagra in his things by accident. Never mentioned it as didn't want to embarrass him and as far as he knows I don't know he takes it. He has it on repeat prescription and from what I can tell he will pop one before we are going to have sex.
But the thing is he seems to be using more than we are having sex. I don't know if he takes them in anticipation and then maybe nothing ends up transpiring? Or maybe he's using them to pleasure himself alone?
I don't think he is straying purely because he doesn't have the opportunity - doesn't really go out etc. We are mostly together.
I've got where I'm obsessively checking the packets to see when they are being used and trying to establish some sort of pattern.
Does this sound odd?

He may need to take more than one at a time. Almost personal experience

Why can't you talk to him about it? Say, Oh by the way, I saw you had some Viagra! Do you find it helps? and see what he says. It would help if you had more of an open relationship and talked about things more.

how is his performance?
viagra takes a while to work
are you ever spontaneous?

agree, dont check his packets.
ask him

I guess it's quite a personal thing and if there is an innocent explanation then I will feel bad for bringing it up. If he wanted me to know then surely he'd have mentioned it to me? On the other hand the packs are not really hidden, they're currently in a paper bag on his desk so I could have easily seen them by accident when cleaning or something.
We have had a few trust issues lately and I think that's what's making me second guess everything.

No I've noticed him taking them a while (sometimes hours) before we do anything. Usually he will be quite open about the fact he has the urge but we can hardly be spontaneous with the kids about etc. I don't know much about viagra, does it work differently for everyone?? Would it still work if taken a few hours before?
But I think what's worrying is that he's taken say 5 from a pack he got at the end of November but we've only slept together maybe twice. So he's either taken the others in anticipation of us doing it then we just haven't for whatever reason. Or he's using them for something else...

He may well be taking them a few hours in advance in anticipation of you having sex but may want to still keep an element of spontaneity but may result in not having the opportunity.

He may be taking it to masturbate.

His dosage might have changed.

You say you discovered he may be taking Viagra soon after you got together, how long ago was that?

You will only get answers if you begin communicating with each other, but clearly this may be difficult if your husband feels embarrassed or sensitive about this issue. Its quite sad that your husband feels he can't discuss this as there is absolutely no need for any embarrassment with regard to taking this medication at all, erectile dysfunction can occur for a multitude of reasons such as a pre existing medical condition ie diabetes, back pain, low testosterone etc.

It is always helpful in an unforeseen medical emergency for a partner or next of kin to be familiar with any medication that a patient takes. Viagra does have interactions with other drugs that can lead to dangerous drops in blood pressure. Maybe you could casually mention that you have found the Viagra and then discuss the fact you need to know what medication he takes in case of emergency? This might take the immediate focus away from the reason he takes it and may allow him to be more relaxed and open about it.

To be honest we have had issues recently due to him not being open with me about certain sexual elements which is why i am currently mistrusting and suspicious about this activity. Our sex life is lacking which I always put down to him not having a high sex drive and tried to accept because I love him despite my own needs.

Hence we haven't always been able to talk openly and honestly about it. It actually feels a little awkward at times and the last thing I want to do is embarrass him by bringing up the viagra if he doesn't want to talk about it. At the same time I feel I have a reasonable right to question why it is getting used when we are barely sleeping together.

We have only been together a year (not married) but we live together and are overall quite happy. I found the pills during the first few months of our relationship so about a year ago but I presume he had been taking them before? Not sure though.

I have no idea why I automatically referred to him as your husband

As you have had other previous issues regarding sex and this is adding to your feelings of mistrust in him I think that you need to have an open and frank conversation as soon as possible.

The difficulty is that because he has not disclosed reasons for his erectile dysfunction it makes it difficult for you to support him. The Viagra may not be working and he may need a stronger dose but this is all supposition and impossible to resolve if he refuses to talk openly with you. For a relatively new relationship this does not bode well for the future, you may find yourself in a completely sexless relationship if this is not addressed and that can be utterly soul destroying if this is not a mutual decision and your needs are not being met.

It is completely reasonable to ask him to discuss this issue with you, as this is affecting you both.

I think you should accept he has ED and takes the V in anticipation. Why do you need to have a discussion about it? Are people not entitled to privacy? By bringing it out into the open it could make things considerably worse by putting pressure on.

Thank you I think you're right I just have no idea how to approach it. He is entitled to his privacy and as long as I'm not being cheated on or lied to then I suppose it's not my business what he takes them for.

If he is using them for masturbation then it's kind of hurtful since we aren't really doing it a lot but I could handle that. I will maybe just say that i saw them and see what he says rather than put it in an accusatory manner.

I just wondered if there was a reasonable explanation ie maybe he was taking them for us and then just losing the urge or being tired etc.

Also remember that Viagra is not a libido enhancing drug, it gives an ability to maintain an erection but it does not increase the desire to have sex in the first place.

My STBXH used to take viagra for wanking (and he wanks a lot). Have you noticed any pattern when it comes to masturbation?

I have noticed that he will take it then spend time in his study/gaming room. So could be doing it himself then. But could also be taking it in anticipation and then doing something totally innocent in there.

I am very wary of bringing it up and making an issue out of it if it's nothing. I can totally accept it if he has ED and I will tolerate the lack of sex if he genuinely doesn't get the urge much purely because I love him. But I'm just worried that maybe be he does have the urge....just not with me :/

Yeah sounds like he's taking it and then browsing some porn in his study. I suppose it's a red flag, since by sounds of it, you are not having as much sex as you'd like and he's prioritizing porn over you. I wouldn't be happy either if this is the case.

So the issue isn't really the viagra from what I understand. The issue is that you think he is wanking, despite not wanting to have sex that often with you. Is that correct? You think the viagra is evidence of this (yep could be).

Yes I guess that is the issue. That he's using it but I don't really know what for. Could be innocent. Might be him wanking. Might even be using with someone else (although I think this is unlikely).

The fact that the tablets are being used and I am still not getting any sex is concerning for me.

Bumblebee you totally need to bite the bullet and talk to him!

Yes, you do need to initiate conversation about sex. It probably is embarrassing for him, but then it's not like it's a walk in the park for you either with him choosing wanking over sex with you. I had similar experience and all I can say is please do not take it personally. It's more to do with porn addiction than anything else.
Anyway, it needs to be addressed.

I'm taking it very personally at the minute :( he's very loving to me but the lack of sex makes me feel so unattractive. He worked late tonight and in the time he's been gone I've managed to convince myself he's probably having an affair too. Feel like I'm going crazy.

I know we need to talk but I don't know how to approach it. Whenever we've had issues in the past he prefers to just sweep it under the carpet and pretend all is ok.

Hi. Sounds to me that he may be taking them in anticipation. From experience, If I take a 50mg tablet at say 11am, I can still feel the effects of that tablet well into late evening. I understand everyone is different, but he may be like me and a small dose lasts a long time. If a take a 100mg tablet the effects can last 2 days!

If you know he's taking one then disappearing into his study, I think you can be fairly sure he's wanking to porn, hence his low libido where you are concerned. Talk to him!

Our sex life is lacking which I always put down to him not having a high sex drive and tried to accept because I love him despite my own needs.

You make it sound like you're making some great sacrifice when you also said that he told you about his low sex drive at the start of the relationship! You knew what you were getting into and it's not his fault. And he is old after all.

I'm not making a sacrifice at all. I've said I can deal with a low libido. But what bothers me is if it isn't really all that low and he's just choosing to do stuff without me! Which tbh is selfish and hurtful.

Men masturbate even when they don't want sex, sometimes as a pressure release valve. Try to decouple these things. Making somebody feel guilty for masturbating is not healthy.