Is this weird - viagra

[Bumblebee777]

My oh is 16 years older than me. When we first got together we spoke about sex and he said he doesn't really get the urge that often which I was ok with.
Soon after I found viagra in his things by accident. Never mentioned it as didn't want to embarrass him and as far as he knows I don't know he takes it. He has it on repeat prescription and from what I can tell he will pop one before we are going to have sex.
But the thing is he seems to be using more than we are having sex. I don't know if he takes them in anticipation and then maybe nothing ends up transpiring? Or maybe he's using them to pleasure himself alone?
I don't think he is straying purely because he doesn't have the opportunity - doesn't really go out etc. We are mostly together.
I've got where I'm obsessively checking the packets to see when they are being used and trying to establish some sort of pattern.
Does this sound odd?

@Bumblebee777
This is your biggest problem
" Whenever we've had issues in the past he prefers to just sweep it under the carpet and pretend all is ok."

Bumblebee777, I know that you take it personally, but really try to reason with yourself as much as you can. Unfortunately, women are often taught to blame themselves for all sorts of issues in a relationship - if he can't get it up, if he can't finish, if his libido is low/high, if he cheats, if he is addicted to porn...
I do not think it is ok for him to secretly wank himself into oblivion every so often while he neglects your needs. I know it's not easy, but you need to talk to him about it. That is, if the relationship is otherwise good and worth saving. If you leave it as it is you will just become more resentful and miserable (something I can write a book about).

I do not think it is ok for him to secretly wank himself into oblivion every so often while he neglects your needs

Masturbation and sex are different things. Also, people are allowed to have body autonomy.

Balance is also highly recommend in various aspects of our lives, sex included.

I’ve had experience with this. My ex used to take ED tablets in secret and when I approached him he blew up at me (he’s a narc though so your partner may actually be decent to you). The tablets he took were called Cialis and you take them a few times a week and I don’t think you have to necessarily take them just before sex unlike viagra.

It could be as you suggest he’s taking them in anticipation of sex worth you or he could be using them to masturbate. I would definitely speak to him

OP you've said you've become distrustful because he "hasn't been open about certain sexual elements" can I ask what this means?

Masturbation is different to sex. He might just need release to be able to concentrate. It's a bodily function. Now, if he was masturbating four times a day and not giving you any attention, maybe he just doesn't want to have sex at all, but men will often masturbate even when they don't want sex! If you say stop wanking and start snagging me to him, he'd be well within his rights to tell you to sod off.

Showmeshoyu, I do get what you are saying and I have absolutely nothing against masturbation. It is a release and a perfectly natural one. I believe that women also masturbate even when they do not want sex.
However, OP seems to be troubled by the situation and they do need to have a chat. If he is not interested in sex then he should say so and then they can decide the way forward.
Also, I tend to be a bit touchy when it comes to viagra and porn - just my issues that I will hopefully overcome in the future.

I agree they need to have a sensitive talk. Unfortunately we don't know the frequency and nature of these potential hand moments. I had a male friend who through Catholic upbringing and partners was left really emotionally damaged, so any mention of self release should be understanding. I do hope you can overcome your own issues though, no pun intended.

@MiniTheMinx
Basically I found out that he had a fetish - nothing bad or illegal or dangerous but a bit taboo and he hadn't told me about it because he was afraid of discussing it with me. But he'd been looking at stuff online and so on. Not with the intention of cheating or anything like that but the point was he wasn't able to talk to me. All this from someone with allegedly low libido.

So you can see why I feel a bit confused like I don't really know him atm.

I have to stress I have nothing against masturbation and if that's what he's doing then it's his business. I was just curious about the workings of Viagra. As a pp explained, he could be taking it in anticipation especially if the effects can last so long with certain people, I didn't realise that was possible and does make sense to me.

I think the real issue here is the current lack of trust and the fact that I am finding it so hard to talk to him about these personal issues. He knows I am unhappy and was very concerned and loving towards me last night asking what's wrong and so on but I can't seem to vocalise things in a rational way other than saying 'why are you using viagra but not sleeping with me?!' Which just sounds accusatory :(

I take it you’re not into his fetish? How does he feel about that? Is that the reason for his low libido with regards you do you think? Perhaps this is the way to open the conversation ? Ask him how he is feeling without indulging in his fetish or whether he is using the internet for this need.

@Cuttingthegrass I have spoken to him and explained that I'm open minded and non judgemental. But it doesn't seem like something he really wants to talk about or involve me in too much.

I have rationalised it as he's older, he probably doesn't get the urge very often but when he does there are times he might want to indulge in this personal fetish alone. I am trying not to take that personally.

As I said I think the issue boils down to trust and the fact that I'm upset at how he's not been open with me and we find it hard to talk about intimate things. I know it can sometimes be awkward though.

This thread was more about understanding the workings of viagra. It's not like he's popping one every morning before heading off to work so I'm hopeful that he's either using them for his own solo action or for the rare times we get down to it. Neither of these are too much of a problem. I just hope at some stage we can start to open up to each other a bit more.

Hi Op. I have some experience of this and have a recent thread on the sex board. I’ve been with DP for 4 years and he is the love of my life. I encourage as much communication as he can handle as I feel I need to understand.

My dp has to take viagra. He kept this from me for some time. He also told me about his wild up all night sex with his ex. They also were into different kinds of sex. Honestly I fancy him so much I’d be open to it but he isn’t keen to repeat his fetishes with me.

Anyway he very recently told me he took viagra every day with her. He didn’t see her anything like every day but wanted to keep topped up.

He masturbates which I’m fine with because it’s very different to sex in my mind. We sometimes have sex once a month sometimes less- and that’s not often penetration. The lack of sex hurts me and I struggle with it.

I would urge a conversation. You’re asking us about how viagra works. But you need to ask him about it. About how it works with him. The conversation doesn’t have to happen in one go and it doesn’t have to be super serious sit down affair. Don’t worry about how many he uses compared to sex. It’s not really the issue is it. I’d like to make viagra sexy and part of our sex life so he doesn’t have to be sneaky about it. I think that could be quite hot! (But I’m peri menopausal so my libido is through the roof).

I really feel for you- it’s feels hurtful and all the time you know it hurts them too. Maybe gently tell him you know about the viagra and see where the conversation goes- that might be it for a while and let that settle in his mind for a bit.

@stilllearnin thank you for your reply and I'm sorry to hear you're going through similar. It's very hurtful isn't it? Even when you try to rationalise it you can't help but feel unattractive and unwanted.

I will try and initiate the chat at some point but tbh I am sick of feeling like I'm the only one trying to make things work. I get that men sometimes prefer to bury their heads and not address things but I feel like I'm the only one committed to having an honest and open relationship. I don't need to know every single thing about him and his desires but it shouldn't be this hard to talk to your partner about sex related things...

Yes. Dp told me that me feeling unattractive and unwanted was making it worse- but honestly I’d challenge anyone to feel otherwise. I mean I can make sure it doesn’t show but I will still feel it. I believe that we’ll be together long term. For life. So I do feel we have time to figure it out and we owe it to us both to make it happy as possible.

Take your time. But get the topic on the table would be my approach.

Yes I feel the same about my oh. I've had my fair share of terrible relationships but he is different and apart from this I'm very happy and in love.

But I can't kid myself that it isn't an issue. The lack of sex I can deal with but dishonesty is a dealbreaker for me. Good luck x

Thank God for viagra it must have been awful for men and women before this drug came around (if you'll pardon the pun)

Men were not as lazy and were doing more physical work and activities back in the day so it was less a problem then

Viagra is all good for women if it's actually being used with them...🙈

terri I wonder? My dp is really active. And how do we know it was less of a problem?

I thought you might say fetish. By its very definition it means being turned on by the 'fetish' itself, and if someone is really of low libido it suggests that in order to want sex they might need to turn to that fetish, whatever it is. So using Viagra to overcome ED to masturbate watching porn makes sense. Using Viagra and not showing any intent or interest in having sex suggests that this fetish is rather more all consuming than you have been led to believe.

So...another pill has gone sometime between tea time last night and this morning. I am hoping he took one in anticipation of us maybe getting it on last night as the kids were out. But it didn't transpire as I felt unwell. No time spent in study at all last night and he's gone off to work early this morning so it can't have been 'self indulgence' shall we say.

I'm so fed up of questioning everything and wondering what's going on. I've managed to convince myself he's out shagging someone this morning because my head is so fried with it all. I really think I need to have a chat with him but don't know how to bring it up.

The trust has gone between us since I discovered his fetish and now everything, even probable innocent things, are playing on my mind. His phone was either off or dead last night and I'm convinced that's dodgy too as he usually has it on.

I hate feeling like this :(

Twice typed a big message and it’s not posted arghhh. Don’t despair- I’ll post more tomorrow- I didn’t want you to feel alone. I think it’s unlikely he’s cheating fwiw

looks odd to me and not healty i must say. it works if it is taken even an hour ago..i used it just to try and see how it works..if a guy doesnt have any problem with erection, he should not take. otherwise he would because it doesnt go away for sometime and it is really embarrasing.

I really don’t think that him taking the tablets when you don’t have sex means he’s cheating necessarily. You are bang on that it’s the trust at issue. I really feel for you. You’re tying yourself in knots here and as you say, innocent things take on a different meaning.

I know you’re worried about bringing it up and also feel you’re doing the heavy lifting here, but you will need to do something at some point. Because your worry about it all may well eat your relationship up. It was going that way for me.

I don’t know if you’re tempted to confront him, demand the truth. I mean you deserve the truth, so it’s very tempting. But is it possible to visualise, even rehearse the conversation a bit. What you want is a happy, respectful and honest relationship. He’s not doing that at the moment. Perhaps you could show him how it’s done?

He’s already left the tablets where you can see them so maybe start with that. Could you say that you don’t have experience of viagra? And can he tell you more about it? Then you’ve at least opened the subject up.

I have found with my dp that I need to raise a tricky subject with assurances that we can work anything out. And then I back off and give him time to cogitate a bit on the next bit of the conversation. It can be weeks and occasionally months before we have the next bit of the conversation but if I push it, it kind of turns into an inquisition
I find that opening the subject up and giving him time to come back to me helps.

He may well feel defensive and quite possibly humiliated. And it might be more productive to let that initial reaction subside before you really get down to how this is impacting on your relationship.

I’m only going off my own experience here remember. Your relationship will be different to mine. It’s just a suggestion on getting the ball rolling.