Should I cut ties with my parents

[Laurap25]

I'm a 38 year old woman and my parents treat me like I'm stupid, it's got to the stage where I hate being around them, I can't bear family events or occasions like Christmas or Easter. I've got my own family and when it's just us I couldn't be happier but when I'm around my parents or sister's I feel depressed and really bad about myself.
I've never had a good relationship with my father, growing up, and all through my teens until I left home he was very emotionally abusive. I'm the oldest of 3 sister's and I was the only one he treated like that, he was the same with my mother (still is to this day) why she has put up with it for so long I'll never know. My mum sticks up for him if I mention anything about it and I get told I'm too sensitive. Both my parents are so money orientated I'm sick hearing about how my sister bought her second house or how my other sister got a new kitchen in, it makes me feel like crap because they are way ahead of me in everything and I'm the oldest. My husband hasn't got as much money as theirs but he works hard, we both do, but thats never good enough for them. I've got my driving licence 8 years but my mum won't go anywhere with me in my car, it's like she doesn't think I can drive even though I've been driving 8 years, if we have a family dinner at her house she won't let me help with dishes but she lets my sister's, like I'm stupid or something and can't wash a dish! She's always getting digs at me too about my kids, she would ask them "have u had lunch today" like I don't feed my kids! It's gets on my nerves. I'm the best mother to my kids. I just feel like she's always criticizing me. Despite all this they are good grandparents and my kids adore them so I can't cut them totally out of my life but I feel like I need to for my own mental health. I feel like my parents don't understand me, and that I'm the scapegoat of the family. I've always been a quiet person and I would say I'm highly sensitive, maybe I see the world in a different way to them. I'm so depressed about this. I don't know what to do...

Be very careful. They already treat you like shit, they could very well start treating your kids that way too.

Tbh if you’re looking at going NC for your own benefit then it’s quite often in your dc’s interests as well.

Ohfourfoxache yeah I do worry about that but they honestly treat my kids good, if i ever thought for one second they treated my kids like shit they would never see them again, my problem is..I moved to a small village (My husband's home place) when I met him, at the time I just couldn't wait to leave home but with hindsight I wish we had got a house in my home town. I feel so isolated here, I've lost nearly all my friends I don't have anyone except my husband. And I feel like if I cut ties with my family I'll have no one, and that is what makes me really depressed.

They WILL treat your kids badly at some point

To hurt you.

Trust me, that’s how it always goes

If they are too toxic for you - a grown adult - they are too toxic for kids. Some of these kids of parents effectively “groom” their gc specifically to get at their kids (you) or to steal them away from you.

Do not sleepwalk into a situation where your kids grow up feeling the way you feel about yourself when around them. You had nobody to protect you, your kids do, you, and it’s the most important job you have

(((Hug)))

Is your h preventing you from integrating? Put an immediate stop to that and get out there and build yourself a network! Invite your friends, invest in them and it will pay off.

My worry is more that they treat you so badly in front of your kids that, when the time comes and they're teens and naturally rebellious, they'll turn against you with the full backing of your family. How do I know this.

If I had my time again I'd have moved far far away. Your family will NEVER let go of the scapegoat narrative about you. It's just never going to change. Your kids will be involved with your family - whether you are or not - if you live in the same area. If you step away from the family they will scapegoat you all the more to your kids.

Who is the golden child?

No he's not stopping me at all, my husband is an amazing person, he's so good to me. He encourages me to go out more, it's my own fault I've isolated myself, life is just so busy my husband and I both work full time and by the time we get home in the evenings and get dinner over and the kids sorted for bed I just can't be bothered to drive 19 miles to my home town to meet up with friends, I know that's not a good way to be and I need to change that

@springydaff both my sister's are the golden children. I used to be closest to my mum but since I've started standing up for myself a bit more and telling her when I'm not happy about certain things we've become distant. When I lived at home I accepted their behaviour because I didn't know any different but now that I've got my own family I realise that that behaviour isn't normal

If your parents are too toxic for you to deal with it’s the same deal for your children as well. They were not good parents to you when you were growing up and they have not changed since that time. Your mistake here has been to allow them to have a relationship with your children. You are also mired in fear, obligation and guilt re these people and that state does you no favours either.

Your mother in particular will and is simply using your children to get back at you for your supposed parenting deficiencies. Do not fall into the trap of continuing to think that they are good grandparents because they are really and truly not. You cannot send your kids the mixed message that you do not see them but it’s ok in your head for them to see them. It does not work. You in turn are still seeking your parents approval, approval that they will never give you. Your own boundaries re your parents also need revising upwards because they are too low. This also let these people in.

You are not alone here and cutting ties with your family will be beneficial to you in the long run. Do read toxic parents by Susan Forward. Also consider reading the well we took you to stately homes thread on these pages.

Your mother is your dad,s enabler and she has stayed with him for her own reasons, she has also failed you as a parent utterly.
Your parents in all likelihood unvalue or overvalue the relationship with your kids. They are not good grandparents to them and children generally speaking do not know when they are being manipulated.

Many adult children of narcissistic family structures like you describe tend to believe the fiction that somehow and despite their own experiences to the contrary, their parents will somehow behave better with their grandchildren. It does not happen,

The worst thing you can do here is to allow your children to be further exposed to your parents.

I find these threads extraordinary in the automatic assumption that the parents are narcissists and the right thing to do is to simply cut them out of your life. Does it never occur to anyone that there is often fault on both sides in difficult situations?

I totally get everything you are saying, my mother in particular is clearly a narcissist. But despite everything I've said I still love my parents. I'm fed up trying to win their approval and feel good enough for them, but at the same time they are my parents and I love them. I know they love me too despite their toxic behaviour. I'm not going to contact my mum all week now and I know she will ring me at the end of the week and ask what's wrong, the way I'm feeling right now everything is going to come out and she can fall out with me if she wants but I need to get this off my chest. I'm fed up feeling like an outcast and like I'm not good enough. I know I'm a good person and a loving mum to my kids but they make me feel like shit. I'm not strong enough to walk away, how can I get the strength to do it

Keep posting. Trust me, the more you post and come to terms with how they are the stronger you will feel.

Have you looked at the stately homes threads?

They do not know the meaning of love laurap, they have chosen not to love. It’s really not possible to have a relationship with such disordered of thinking people. It’s not your fault your parents are like this and you did not make them this way,

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not.

You are stronger than you think you are. You can and should walk away and say no more to being abused by them.

As the scapegoat in this family structure you are actually in a better position than the golden children who are your siblings. Theirs is a role not without price but they are unaware of the price to be paid.

I am not totally surprised your mother has distanced herself further and this has happened precisely because you are challenging the family disorder and dysfunction within it. This will never be tolerated by your mother and she will want for you to keep up your assigned role in the family, believing her own reality in the process.

My dad is like this. My mum passed away 3 years ago and I've just found out that he was sleeping with other women and leaving her laying on a bed to die from cancer. That for me has been the end. He is such a horrid man. He beat my brother constantly put me down as a child and was just awful to my mum. He is now dating one of her friends and she just aggs me just as much. Them coming over is pointless because they are just bloody awful people who have to constantly have digs at us. So I had enough just before Christmas and refuse to answer his phone calls or talk to him ever.

But the problem is, my parents don't put big expectations on my siblings like they do me, they don't talk to them like they are stupid or criticize their parenting skills. So they don't feel like they have an expectation to live up to. They are just normal & appear to be happy. Like I said before i have a more sensitive nature than my sister's and I think that's why I'm treated differently. I look at the relationship my husband has with his family and although I'm happy for him it also makes me so sad, his parents accept him completely for who he is, they never mention money or critize him. That's all i want from my parents is acceptance for who I am. This is actually really affecting my mental health. Because of how my father was im now a very timid person, I feel like no one likes me and I'm always apologising for things when I didn't even do anything wrong. It's because of how he was with me growing up, he told me on many occasions I am useless like my mother, it was like walking on eggshells and although I'm not in that situation anymore I still have that little voice inside me telling me I'm not good enough. If i hear someone shout loud my heart stops for a moment and I'm taken straight back to my childhood. (He used to shout a lot at my mum) I wish I had a switch where I could switch these feelings off and be a normal person. I just want to be happy

Could have written this myself
I understand how you feel OP
Just leave them be and ignore them, I know this is difficult to do in reality however you will feel the world of difference if you exclude them on special days and functions
You are the best you can be
I invited my family over to my home for Christmas celebrations and I was feeling on edge all evening wondering when they would belittle me in front of the other guests
I had my answers ready but they must have realised the atmosphere in my home was a happy one and everyone was having fun and it was so carefree that they would have looked like the outsiders if they had said anything
Chin up girl don't let yr crown slip
This is my motto for 2019
Much love

You feel sensitive because they have made you feel that way, they trained you well to serve them with you putting your own self last. They do not have any expectation of you precisely because they never had any expectation that you would actually go onto do anything with your life. They indeed talk to you like you are indeed stupid and criticise your parenting skills to boot. You remain the scapegoat within your family, that was the role they assigned to you. You are equal to your siblings really but they between them decided to make you the scapegoat for all their inherent ills so you will never be equal to them.

Your mother to my mind is just as culpable here as your dad is because she failed utterly to protect you and your siblings from your abuser of a father. She stayed and has stayed with him for her own reasons and you got thrown under the bus.

They will never accept you for the good and kind person that you are. Ultimately you are going to also have to let go of any hope that they will change, they will not do so. You will also need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. You are the most normal one in your family of origin, it’s the rest of them who are dysfunctional.

Your husband has come from an emotionally healthy family, clearly you were not so lucky, do read the book and the stately homes thread on these pages.

Ok thank you for all your advice, I'm going to read through it again and really take everything in.

How do I find the stately homes thread? I'm new to this forum

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3436970-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

X

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Do read this book.

Your parents, and family, will never change. It is never going to happen. They will never see your point of view, no matter how well you put it.

Especially your mother. If she sees your point of view then she'd have to look at her own life and her role within the family. She's not prepared to do that.

What you describe is exactly my family set up. Exactly. I still see my very aged mum, who loves me very much, despite her faults. Sometimes, loving someone is painful but I've done a lot of work so I'm able to 1. Hold my boundaries and 2. Not try or expect her to change. It's still painful but it's worth it. She has a significant disability which happens to be invisible. It is my choice whether I live with that or not. I choose to - it isn't black and white, as cutting her off would be extraordinarily, out of this world, painful for her. There is enough love in her for me that makes a relationship with her worthwhile, even though it's taken me a good 20 years to get here.

I say all this to counter the "off with their heads!" narrative that insists we cut off deficient parents forthwith, with immediate effect, like an axe: CHUNK. Brutal, too brutal in my eyes. It is not black + white though some on here insist it is.

I should say I have arrived at this after over 20 years of a lot of therapy and years of sometimes low contact or very low contact while I sorted out my heart and head. I never entirely cut my mum off. She's also lived to be very old so I've had the time to come to some peace about it. I am careful how long I see her for though. I know and accept she will never change.

My dad, also extraordinarily old, is still a mean bastard who has decided to cut ME out! Boo bloody hoo. I bought the hoary bastard a Christmas present - I have to keep him sweet so I still have access to my mum. I don't hate him, he is a very sick man.

See, not straightforward.

Springydaff I agree with u, there is a lot more to this than me just cutting them off. My grandmother on my mother's side was a very hard faced woman, very bitchy and money orientated. And my grandfather on my dad's side was a very domineering man so I often think that my parents are repeating the mistakes of their childhood. Not that I'm defending them but it helps a bit to try and understand why they are the way they are. Some of the things my mum says and does I could never possibly imagine doing that to my own kids and making them feel bad about themselves like that. My head is all over the place. I'm such a weak person. I need to toughen up. I'm scared about the fallout with my whole family if I really make a big deal out of this but at the same time I can't live my life like this anymore.