Should I cut ties with my parents

[Laurap25]

I'm a 38 year old woman and my parents treat me like I'm stupid, it's got to the stage where I hate being around them, I can't bear family events or occasions like Christmas or Easter. I've got my own family and when it's just us I couldn't be happier but when I'm around my parents or sister's I feel depressed and really bad about myself.
I've never had a good relationship with my father, growing up, and all through my teens until I left home he was very emotionally abusive. I'm the oldest of 3 sister's and I was the only one he treated like that, he was the same with my mother (still is to this day) why she has put up with it for so long I'll never know. My mum sticks up for him if I mention anything about it and I get told I'm too sensitive. Both my parents are so money orientated I'm sick hearing about how my sister bought her second house or how my other sister got a new kitchen in, it makes me feel like crap because they are way ahead of me in everything and I'm the oldest. My husband hasn't got as much money as theirs but he works hard, we both do, but thats never good enough for them. I've got my driving licence 8 years but my mum won't go anywhere with me in my car, it's like she doesn't think I can drive even though I've been driving 8 years, if we have a family dinner at her house she won't let me help with dishes but she lets my sister's, like I'm stupid or something and can't wash a dish! She's always getting digs at me too about my kids, she would ask them "have u had lunch today" like I don't feed my kids! It's gets on my nerves. I'm the best mother to my kids. I just feel like she's always criticizing me. Despite all this they are good grandparents and my kids adore them so I can't cut them totally out of my life but I feel like I need to for my own mental health. I feel like my parents don't understand me, and that I'm the scapegoat of the family. I've always been a quiet person and I would say I'm highly sensitive, maybe I see the world in a different way to them. I'm so depressed about this. I don't know what to do...

Hissy "They WILL treat your kids badly at some point

To hurt you.

Trust me, that’s how it always goes "
Shocking, I am horrified at most of the posts by people. you know very little about this family and yet are all experts

Your parents are indeed repeating the same old from their own childhoods; neither of them sought or even wanted to seek the necessary help. They honestly do not believe that they have done anything wrong here with regards to you personally. They have indeed proved the point that toxic crap like this can and does go down the generations. They took the low road here. They are inflicting this same damage on you and in turn your children. The damage that was done through the generations has stopped with you because you have chosen not to act in this same way towards your own children.

You are not a weak person at all but they have made you feel so because they have kept you strictly within your own assigned role within their malign family structure.

You can further strengthen your boundaries here (that may be hard to do as these people have really encouraged you not to have any) and eventually say no more to any of them. It is more than ok to walk away from being abused; self preservation is necessary here. Would you have tolerated any of this from a friend, no. Your parents are no different. I would urge you to seek out a therapist and importantly one who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

Yeah your right in that my mum totally believes that she does no wrong, if i confront her about this she won't accept anything that I'm saying. When I've stood up to her before she says that I'm being disrespectful to her. I feel like saying respect works both ways but if i said that id be the worst in the world. My dad on the other hand, I do think he knows he did me wrong in the past. I think he is living with some guilt from that but he will never admit that to me.

ConfusedBeetle If you look into dysfunctional family/relationships dynamics, you see the same behaviour repeated over and over

In the same way Lundy Bancroft was able to write a book about Abusive /Angry Men (Why does he do that) and for it to resonate so completely with victims of domestic abuse, or Pat Craven with The Dominator or why Shirley Glass was able to write a book that has helped so many suffering from the fallout of infidelity, when you see such well known dynamics such as golden child/black sheep or triangulation dynamics and anecdotal evidence from those who have walked these very paths, then you are able to suggest with a fair degree of certainty how things will turn out.

Added to this the OP has said her mother displays narcissistic traits, and her father was very emotionally abusive.

The information is all there, and the personalities at play here make things a heck of a lot clearer to those with experience.

We might not know the exact angle OP parents will take, but when she stands up for herself more, there WILL be a reaction and it won't be welcome. They WILL use every trick in the book to get her back onside and people like narcs and abusers think nothing of using our kids as collateral damage to get their own offspring back under the thumb.

Hope that explians why i said what i said?

Would you have tolerated any of this from a friend, no. Your parents are no different.

I fundamentally disagree with this. Our parents ARE different imo.

Some parents - the minority imo - are toxic through and through and there is nothing for it but to cut them off. The majority are ordinary, flawed and often damaged individuals who did the best with what they have but who sometimes fell woefully short in crucial areas. Welcome to the human race tbf.

You'd think all current parents genuinely think they won't also very probably make whopping mistakes in their parenting. Current parents hold their parents to very sophisticated contemporary parenting trends - but our parents didn't have that knowledge and were also following the parenting trends of their day.. And can be wedded to them as we are to ours! It's not fair to expect them to know what we know now (assuming we have it right of course!).

From what you say you need in-depth and concentrated work to overcome your parents fucked up and very damaging parenting - whether they meant to or not is immaterial at this stage. You still have to grieve and heal.

This means therapy. There are also groups that meet with others from similarly dysfunctional and damaging homes eg ACOA. Read the Toxic Parents book to get you started.

[]www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk ACOA]]

ACOA

I get what u mean, I don't believe my parents are toxic through and through, my dad used to drink when me & my sister's were young. He doesn't drink now, but I remember many a night he would come home pissed and wake my mum up for no other reason than to start a big fight over something trivial that might of been said that day. He'd throw her out in the street in the middle of the night. I remember many a night us having to get our stuff together and my mum taking us to stay in my grandmothers, next day he would come and apologise to my mum then we'd go back. Within a day or 2 he was back to being angry. He was always angry and grumpy all the time. He never seemed happy. I really think my dad had (still has) depression but it's something that has never been talked about. As I got older he stopped drinking but his moods got worse, my home life was spent walking on eggshells, afraid to speak too loud on the phone, afraid to walk too hard on the floor upstairs, these are the things that would set him off, he looked at me on disgust, he never talked to me like a daughter, he still doesn't to this day. If I had a problem I don't feel like o could approach him or talk to him about it. I never ever remember him saying he loved me or show me any affection. But my sister's memories are so different to mine. I don't get that. Maybe it's because I'm older and I remember more. You'll think I'm crazy but despite all this I still love him. There are some good memories in my childhood when he used to take us fishing or to the beach. I know he will never change. It's up to me to decide to accept that or not

ACOA is for you, op. Do look up a local meeting, you really will meet others whose childhood experiences are very similar to yours. Eg your dad is a dry drunk, which is a horrifying thing to live with, especially for a helpless child.

If you're anything like me you may feel you're being disloyal to go to meetings and read the Toxic Parents book. Please don't. You need healing and you have to start that journey sooner rather than later.

Please don't feel guilty I mean!

ACOA meetings

Re my comment:-

"Would you have tolerated any of this from a friend, no. Your parents are no different".

I was referring to their abusive behaviour towards the OP over the years. And they are no different from friends in that you would not accept such from them, or at least I would hope not. Laurap's dad is emotionally abusive and her mother for her own reasons chose to stay with him. Your mother still refuses to take any responsibility for her actions here as does your dad. All these disordered of thinking people do is blame others for their own actions and shortcomings. It is not your fault that your parents are like this and you did not make them that way. They have made you feel bad.

Children anyway are programmed to love their parents regardless of how abusive they can actually be so am not at all surprised to read that you love him still.

I would agree with springy on one important point though; you should not feel guilty. (Your parents do not feel guilty at all). ACOA are also worth contacting as is NAPAC here.

Do you think that your parents did their very best here; well their so called best was not good enough and both you and your sister were failed by the very people who were supposed to protect them; your parents. They never sought or perhaps even wanted to seek the necessary help but continued the same old crap that they experienced with you. Neither of your parents I daresay have at all apologised to you let alone take any responsibility for their actions. You have yourself had a rubbish childhood experience and yet you do not act in the same ways your parents have done towards your own children now.

Do you think that your parents did their very best here; well their so called best was not good enough and both you and your sister were failed by the very people who were supposed to protect them; your parents.

The majority of parents do their very best for their kids.

No doubt our children will find fault with our parenting and, if we are very unlucky,
will accuse us of heinous crimes and scream J'accuse in our faces and blame us for every thing. And slice of our heads with a guillotine. Etc.

But let's hope not.

Many parents are emotionally healthy, supportive and do their very best by and for their children. We all make mistakes but what the OPs parents have done here is clearly no mere mistake for which an apology has been forthcoming.

OPs parents clearly are not and did not do any of the above by their children here. They used their own failings and experiences to further perpetuate their own miseries against their children. They had a choice then and they still have choices now.

I would say to OP that everyone has a right to be treated with respect.

I would agree with you Atilla.

Ops parents have some very serious flaws which have significantly damaged op. It's for op to do the challenging work, alone, to counterbalance the litany of abuse she has suffered at their hands, either wittingly or unwittingly. Many of us have walked this difficult path.

Chopping off the source of the pain and damage may be a temporary or, unusually, a permanent solution to the immediate pain we experience as we grapple with what has been handed to us.

We may, further down the line, make the very serious decision to cut off our parents permanently. This a very serious even grave step to take and we have to be very sure it is the right thing to do.

The chances are our parents are flawed and made some awful mistakes ; and continue to make awful mistakes. Cutting them off isn't necessarily the answer - it can even be used as a punishment which, frankly, perpetuates the abuse dynamic. Cutting off our parents has its drawbacks and can be very painful in the long term.

Unless we convince ourselves they were dogs who deserve to be punished, giving us the upper hand. Most parents are not out and out dogs, the considerable majority do their best. We have to decide how to get the contact balance right, which will fluctuate as we progress on our journey to healing.

I have to wonder how those who promote brutal no contact will feel when it happens to them.

Op, I would try to see the two issues separately - your family are toxic and scapegoat you is one thing and your loneliness where you live is an unconnected issue. I actually think it is a good thing you are not in your home town because that gives you distance from your family. I would severe contact with your family (including your children - you won’t manage no contact whilst keeping in touch for the children) because it will benefit your mental health, then separately to this look at ways of meeting friends and building a support network.

Didiusfalco
I think if I had a friend in the area I live in id be a lot happier but it's really hard to make new friends as an adult! Especially in this area where I feel like i have nothing in common with anyone around here, I'm from a city and people here have lived and grown up here all their lives, I know this sounds really trivial but I'm in to things like fashion and girly things and people round here are real country types, I just feel like no ones on my wavelength if u know what I mean. I know it doesn't help matters that I have zero confidence and the thought of having to approach people to try and make them my friend terrifies me!

Springydaff Attila
I can see both sides of this, on the one hand no one is perfect, I try to do my best for my children but I'm pretty sure I've made some mistakes, I just hope my children don't hold that against me when they are older, to be honest I don't think they will. I think they will know that I've tried my best for them. I'm a loving mum, I tell my kids everyday how much I love them, I'm in no way perfect but I try my best not to get angry or upset if they do things I don't like, I'd rather talk about it with them. Very very rarely they see me and my husband argue. They are growing up in a loving house. That's probably how most parents are these days, things are different to how I was brought up. I think parents are a lot more openly affectionate these days. Maybe in some ways my parents parenting styles were just how it was in those days...But a lot of it was not. They have messed me up mentally. And I can't let go of the resentment cos of that. I've been thinking about this all week and I think I'm not going to cut off contact completely...I'm going to have this out with my mum and let her know exactly how I'm feeling. I've made the mistake in the past of being made to feel like I'm the bad one for confronting her but I'm not doing it anymore. I'm going to cut down my contact with them, if i took the kids away completely it would kill them and I couldn't do that to them. But I'll be giving my mum a stern warning..If she continues to critize me in front of the kids she'll not be seeing them no more because I don't want that negativity around my kids.

You grew up with your sister in a cold and abusive house where fear reigned. It does leave scars.

You have already tried talking to your mother and she has not listened. Nothing has changed here, you can try talking to her again and give her a stern warning but she in all likelihood will ignore you and continue to stick her fingers in her ears. So I would not bother doing that. Just quietly withdraw without drama and make yourselves as a family unit far less available to them.

It is really not going to devastate your children or kill them emotionally if they are kept apart from your parents, your fears re them in this respect are completely groundless and also based on your own fear, obligation and guilt. This FOG certainly needs to be addressed through therapy.

Your children are young and do not recognise emotional manipulation and she could well repeat the same old toxic dynamic with them given time and opportunity. Do not think that also would not happen if you were present with them because that could happen right in front of you. Children need emotionally healthy grandparents, not your parents as another set of role models. Your children are also not the arbiters of their relationship with them, you are and they are relying on your good judgment here. It is okay to say no more to such ill treatment at their hands and it’s self preservation for you. They may well have had abusive childhoods themselves (a likely scenario for both of them also given what you have written about them ) but there is no justification or excuse for their ill treatment of you and you do not treat your children in the ways you were treated as a child. They made their choices here and you have the right to be treated with respect. Why should you at all continue to see people who treated you like you have been?

Bravo op. Delighted to hear it

Because of how my father was im now a very timid person, I feel like no one likes me and I'm always apologising for things when I didn't even do anything wrong. It's because of how he was with me growing up, he told me on many occasions I am useless like my mother, it was like walking on eggshells and although I'm not in that situation anymore I still have that little voice inside me telling me I'm not good enough. If i hear someone shout loud my heart stops for a moment and I'm taken straight back to my childhood. (He used to shout a lot at my mum) I wish I had a switch where I could switch these feelings off and be a normal person. I just want to be happy

You grew up in a very abusive household, OP, from this and your later posts. Even in abusive households there can be love and warmth at times, for example from your mum, even if it's highly flawed. It means things aren't clear cut, and the messy situation makes it all harder to navigate.

I had the feeling that you suffer a fair bit from First Child Syndrome here, in among the very difficult home environment. They expected more of you and when you were a normal child and couldn't be perfect, they started to see you as flawed. You weren't. You were a normal child, and they just don't come in the Perfect variety. On top of that, your father is/was very abusive and sometimes an abusive parent loads all their problems onto one child in the family and not others. Lucky you.

Im afraid there is no magic wand to turn off all the shit that your experiences have created within yourself. The only way is through it on an upwards path, hard as it is. Sorry.

If your parents are unable to be flexible and listen to your (quite necessary!) demand that they treat you with respect, then one way of handling things is to quietly and unobtrusively withdraw. Simply be around less. Contact them less; only see them at big occasions at first. There are ways of handling this that makes it easier and avoids big confrontations.

Like others, I think that if your parents treat you without respect then your children -will- see that, and it's no good thing at all.

Treat yoruself gently here, laura. You need support, time and yes, friends. Any chance of joining a club that meets at weekends? it's great if your husband is supportive and can look after the children then.

I'm pretty familiar with the scenes you've described, and it's taken me a long time to understand that my family is toxic and abusive - even though they never intended it that way.

I was always told I was far too sensitive and have had great difficulty in standing up for myself as a result. This "sensitivity " only works one way though.

E.g. Me to Mother: I didnt change my name when I got married 20 years ago, but you keep using my husbands name when writing to me. I find it hurtful because it feels like you don't respect my decision.

Mother to me: Dont be ridiculous, you're far too sensitive, it's only a name. Wait until I tell my friends, they won't believe how rude you are to me. You know I'd never hurt you.

Or - Me to Mother: would you like me to Hoover up the cobwebs on the ceiling in the spare room?

Mother to me: How dare you accuse me of keeping a dirty house! You've hurt me terribly. All I ever do is think of you and this is how you treat me.

This crap has gone on all my life, but like you I found it hard to just cut her out of my life. Fairly recently I discovered "Grey Rock" (Google it?) and this technique has made my life a lot more comfortable.

No. You will regret it when anything happens to them and the realisation that you never patched things up or spent time with them. From a different viewpoint, just imagine how you would feel if your child cut you out of their life?

Lynne pot
But the difference is my children aren't grown up in an emotionaly abusive household, if i had done something so bad that my children wanted to cut me out of their lives id be devestated, I'd do everything in my power to resolve whatever it was that was bothering my children that much. My mum won't take any responsibility at all

Helen Ruth
I can really relate to what you've written there, that's so how my relationship is with my mum. If I bring up anything about the past I'm told that's all in the past and to forget about it. My mum always uses her usual line "you never wanted for anything, I went in to debt for you to make sure you had everyhing" it's always brought back to material things and I don't give a shit about all that. I needed a mother to guide me and make me feel safe and give me emotional support. I never got that