Should I cut ties with my parents

[Laurap25]

I'm a 38 year old woman and my parents treat me like I'm stupid, it's got to the stage where I hate being around them, I can't bear family events or occasions like Christmas or Easter. I've got my own family and when it's just us I couldn't be happier but when I'm around my parents or sister's I feel depressed and really bad about myself.
I've never had a good relationship with my father, growing up, and all through my teens until I left home he was very emotionally abusive. I'm the oldest of 3 sister's and I was the only one he treated like that, he was the same with my mother (still is to this day) why she has put up with it for so long I'll never know. My mum sticks up for him if I mention anything about it and I get told I'm too sensitive. Both my parents are so money orientated I'm sick hearing about how my sister bought her second house or how my other sister got a new kitchen in, it makes me feel like crap because they are way ahead of me in everything and I'm the oldest. My husband hasn't got as much money as theirs but he works hard, we both do, but thats never good enough for them. I've got my driving licence 8 years but my mum won't go anywhere with me in my car, it's like she doesn't think I can drive even though I've been driving 8 years, if we have a family dinner at her house she won't let me help with dishes but she lets my sister's, like I'm stupid or something and can't wash a dish! She's always getting digs at me too about my kids, she would ask them "have u had lunch today" like I don't feed my kids! It's gets on my nerves. I'm the best mother to my kids. I just feel like she's always criticizing me. Despite all this they are good grandparents and my kids adore them so I can't cut them totally out of my life but I feel like I need to for my own mental health. I feel like my parents don't understand me, and that I'm the scapegoat of the family. I've always been a quiet person and I would say I'm highly sensitive, maybe I see the world in a different way to them. I'm so depressed about this. I don't know what to do...

Well as I suspected, I haven't contacted my mum this week so she just rang me and asked what's up, I told her I don't feel comfortable coming to her house anymore because she's constantly criticizing me, commenting on what I'm wearing, what my husband's wearing, what way the kids hair is...before I had a chance to get anymore out she totally denied everything (expected that anyway) I said "you do this all the time, you never take responsibility for anything you do wrong" and with that she said "Well if that's how you feel don't bother coming here again".
I don't know why I expected any better from her. She'll never change.
But something in me is different this time. I'm determined things are not going back to the way they were. She prob thinks oh give her a few days she'll ring back and everything will be back to normal..she's in for an awful shock.
I don't know why but something has changed in my brain these past few days, maybe it's reading all the replys on here, but before I think the thing that was making me so depressed was because I kept thinking I could change her, things would be different someday if only I could earn more money, or have a fancy car like my sister's maybe they would accept me more. I've accepted that they are never going to change and this is just the hand life has dealt me..I need to accept that my parents are not like my husband's patents and they never will be. It's now up to me to make the best of what i have, I've a lot to be thankful for. My husband is the most amazing person so I've done something right in my life. And I have 2 amazing children. This is my family now

laurap,

Sadly I was not at all surprised to see how that conversation panned out. You knew it too.

Your mother really did give you an out when she said, "Well if that's how you feel don't bother coming here again". I would take this and run with it!. You may well wobble in forthcoming days and weeks due to fear, obligation and guilt but I would urge you to stand firm and believe in your own self here. When you are wobbling come back here and re-read your original thread. Also read Toxic Parents y Susan Forward as Springey has also suggested.

Strength, LauraP. You are not a whipping girl.

Hold strong. Things may never be the same again between you and your mum, and that can be a good thing and a bad thing both. But you are an adult, which she finds very hard to perceive I suspect, and as long as you were polite then you did a reasonable and adult thing in asking her not to criticize all the time. Her reaction was very much a childish one. Sometimes if your parents won't allow your growth to adulthood and let go, you have to -take- that adulthood. It's very hard.

lynnpot agreed that sometimes people say 'go NC' very easily and it's really, really not always necessary, a redrawing of the relationship is enough. But it's going far too far to say "You will regret it when anything happens to them and the realisation that you never patched things up or spent time with them". You have absolutely no idea of people's situations on here and you can't tell people what emotions they will or will not have.

My half sister cut our mother out of her life and she has never regretted it, even after she died, after years of severe abuse. My father cut me out of his life (second wife problem) and I wish bitterly that I'd never learned just how shallow his love is. But when he goes, it will be a relief. I will mourn the Daddy of my early years, but he has treated me like something you'd scrape off your foot for the last forty. I am not allowed to speak, only he is, and he speaks only to criticise. Contact with him is like having iron filings inserted in between your finger knuckles.

It makes me angry when people say 'you'll regret it when he goes' because you don't know the relationship concerned and it's such an arrogant manipulative thing to say.

SeaEagleFeather
If my father died tomorrow I'd prob have mixed emotions..when I'm angry I always say I wouldn't care if he dropped dead but really I would be an emotional wreck there would be guilt, sadness regret..But in another way id feel a bit relieved. I feel awful for admitting that.

The way your father has acted has formed your feelings towards him. "there's no bad feelings, only bad actions" ... and standing up for yourself in a good way is not a bad action, it's a good one.

I don't think many people can ever wholly dump their love towards their parents - and where they do, I've seen it a couple of times, it was because there was no love towards the children - but when the parent acts badly the children's feelings can become very, very mixed. The biggest danger is that the child plays out the same behaviour with their own children, or allows the grandparents to mess up a second generation.

Why not just distance yourself and see them less often? Maybe by gradually extending the time between visits so it is less obvious. The children will probably want to see less of GPs as they get older too, and you can gently encourage that if you think it's the right the thing to do.

Coronapop
Yes that's exactly what I'm going to do

After that phone call with my mum yesterday it was bugging me so I sent her a long text message. I told her exactly how I felt about everything. I told her how I feel about my dad too. I don't know if she'll show him the message or not. She hides a lot of things from him. I can't say I felt any better after it. Her reply was "oh I'm so sorry I didn't realise I was such a bad parent to u growing up and grandparent, thanks a lot" ....that's it! I poured my heart out in that message and that's the reply i got! I cant figure out if she is actually heartless or if she just hasnt got the intelligence to understand what im saying to her. Then last night something just didn't feel right, I kept feeling guilt and thinking about what if something happened to them id never forgive myself. My head is done in with all this. I'm an overthinker anyway. I'm determined to hold strong on this though.

she's taking it as a personal attack, and from someone she doesn't take seriously. At least, not yet (perhaps never)

You will feel terrible for a while, but remember - it's ok to ask in a reasonable way to be respected. But when you go against conditioning and the natural respect you have for your parents, you do feel awful.

She might not ever respond to your heartfelt communications. She's got a vested interest in not doing so because it would mean examining her own parenting and life. She might not be able to bear that so she might very well turn it back on you - as she kind of has done here.

keep talking to your hsuband, he can help a lot just by listening.

Your mother is truly heartless and also does not have any real degree of emotional intelligence whatsoever. Its not your fault she is this way and you did not make her so. After all the best form of defence for such people is attack and your text was ready made ammo for her to use against you. Such people really do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

She would not likely care much if you died suddenly. I would urge you to take care of your own self going forward and set yourself free from fear, obligation and guilt.

That's EXACTLY what my M did when I had the audacity to convey to her that her moving house and not telling me the address for a good 2 weeks and excluding me from all info regarding her move might have been hurtful to me

Her reply was 'we were never that close'

Wow.

Your mother is awful.

Let it go, let her go and just back away out of all of this nonsense

This is not a game to you, but it is somehow to her. Refuse to play, just go grey rock and leave them all to it.

You don't deserve this, and nothing you ever do will make them any different, but you would cut yourself in ribbons trying to get them to be the people you need them to be, but they won't be.

I understand everything you are all saying, I really do. I didn't tell you any good points about my parents...I think the reason I feel a bit sorry for my mum is because she had a hard life too with my dad, she's still going through it today although he has mellowed a good bit compared to how he used to be years ago. When my dad was picking on me years ago she did stick up for me. She put up with a lot of crap with me too. In my teens and early twenties I went through a rebellious stage, I hung around with a bad crowd and took drugs..nothing serious, recreationally, but she put up with all that and she didnt tell my dad.she sat up many a night waiting for me to get home she couldn't sleep until she knew I was home. I dont know if that was out of worry for me or worry that my dad would find out and go mental. She watches my kids when i need her to..although I don't ask her very often, I'd say once every few months. But if she does watch them she doesn't let me forget it. Even though she watches my sister's kids every day while they are at work. We have no one else to watch our kids so if me and my husband want to go anywhere I don't know what we'll do. My husband's family are going through a really hard time at the minite too so we don't have them to fall back on, his sister in law and his sister died last year within a few months of each other. Since that happend his mum went into a deep depression. She's in a mental hospital at the minute. Honestly u couldn't make this stuff up!

OP what is your relationship like with your sister? If asked would she feel the pressure you do but for different reasons? I would advise you not to contact your parents for a few days please dont set yourself up for a row ...how they choose to maintain a relationship with you will be very telling.Leave it alone for a while.I presume they know where you are..Let them stew whilst giving yourself some breathing space to focus on what you want going forward..Good Luck..I admire your bravery.I am sorry they seem oblivious to the damage they have done.

Sally..
My relationship with my 2 sister's isn't great, but it isn't bad either. We are civil with each other. I used to be closer to them when I lived in my home town. Since I moved here they don't really bother about me. They are closer with each other. They only ring me when they want something. They both have a better relationship with my father too. They don't have the resentment I do. Because they weren't treated the way I was.

My younger sister next to me would be a bit resentful but not like me, it gets to her sometimes but I don't think it affects her anywhere near as much as it does me.

The youngest is very much like my mum. Emotionless and a bit heartless at times, she's not a bad person though, she's dads golden child too.

But yeah Sally.. you are right I'm going to leave it for a while now and see how it goes..it will be interesting to see if my mum contacts me again. I think she'll miss my kids more than me, if anything she will contact me again because of that, and if I say I don't want her to see them I'll be made out to be the bad person. She phoned my husband at work today and asked what's up with me, my husband was busy and couldn't talk.

As Hissy said "This is not a game to you, but it is somehow to her."

It's maddening to be dragged into a game you never agreed to play; the only solution is to not engage. But it's hard.

My mother has, like yours, turned things around when I've tried to explain how I feel. She'll then ignore me for weeks, and then make contact with some made up drama or an "apology" like "I must have done something wrong, it's always me, I never get anything right". My part in the game is supposed to be to reassure her that she's not entirely at fault, then she can try to persuade me that actually it was all my fault. Since I realised this I've stopped the reassurance, and she's actually come up with a more genuine sounding apology once!

You may find it freeing to realise that no matter what you do she will find fault. You could be absolutely 100% perfect and it's not good enough.
So do what works for you.

You're taking big steps without doing the prep work op.

You need to read the book, go to some meetings, to get the hang of what you're dealing with.

Eg letting your mum have it in a text message was asking for trouble! She won't respond well to what she perceives as an attack.

As has been many times, she is not going to change. Spilling out your heart to her was hoping she'd respond well and at last see your pov. It's not going to happen!

Do the ground work so you don't end up walking into very painful situations lovely xxxx

(Mind you we all do it. It takes a long time for the hope to die )

Good luck OP.