I’m due to be married in 3 weeks. We are in the midst of a huge row (we never normally row) and I’m questioning whether to end it. I’m a bit terrified of asking on here as the normal response is LTB and that is easier said than done.
Long but don’t want to drip feed.
He has been moody for a few weeks; nothing major but just not his normal kind, thoughtful self. I think we’ve both felt stressed. Over Christmas I found myself irritated with him but we are talking petty stuff.
He angrily told my 16 yr old to Fuck off last night, without warning and after a silly sulky teen comment. We do not swear in front of her, I don’t think flying off the handle is an appropriate adult response. So I said there’s no need for that. She held back tears. I took dogs out and she came with me. Normally I’d go with him and she’d stay home so I imagine he felt slighted. My view on that is that she needed me to talk to her as she was upset ...more than he did. I have to choose one and it was the child. He then ignored us all evening.
I was in an abusive marriage and my ex used to have a quick temper and I was usually trying to prevent him going for my DC by constantly appeasing. Eldest DC (now an adult) is quite anxious as a consequence and I blame myself for not leaving sooner. This is obviously influencing my reaction to last night. He knows this.
I went to bed early and didn’t say goodnight. Again not normal behaviour and he’s taken a real insult from this and apparently is the cause of his behaviour today. So he gets up and leaves quietly at 8ish and goes to work. He has a casual part-time job, chooses his own hours and never works on a Saturday. I was dozing as I’d been awake in the night (a lot). During the day I texted him to ask if he would be coming to a planned evening with friends tonight. He said no...accompanied by several childish petty comments. I said I’d cancel (can hardly go on my own without explaining his absence or lying) we need to talk, when are you free. Ignores me. He stays out until 5ish and as soon as he comes in collects the dog, ignores me and goes out to walk him. I intercept at front door and say the adult way to deal is to talk. He says he’s been at work! I say don’t play games as we both know he doesn’t normally work or come in and go straight out. When he comes back much later I suggest we go out to talk (for privacy from DD) and said we need to behave like adults. He says he will but only if I’m ready to talk sensibly. I said I was ready to talk sensibly earlier and he said it was better if he didn’t because he wasn’t ready. All of this is said angrily. He then makes no move to go and talk. I’ve asked him to three or four times at this point and am not going to ask again. He goes to bed at 8:30.
Eventually I go in as light is on and ask him how long this will continue for. He is so so angry and said it’s up to me. He says he reserves the right to tell DD to fuck off as she is only 16 and is a liar. She’s not. It was a silly teenage exaggeration of what he said. I.e he said you’ll get fat if you eat that and she said he implied I was fat Being fat is a big issue and worry for her.
The prelude to the argument is petty. It’s the result and reaction that is frightening me. I’m determined to not be appeasing apologetic abused wife again so I’m standing my ground about him shouting at DD with no justifiable reason. I am however trying to instigate conversation. He’s not budging. Impasse.
It’s left with him telling me if I want to press the nuclear button (no wedding) I’d better think carefully as there will be no coming back. Tbh that’s fine by me because if I say that... I agree there is no coming back.
The background picture here is money. I work full time in a very good job and own the house we live in. He pays half of the bills but it took several months for him to start doing that. He does pay for other stuff and isn’t a penny pincher but nonetheless he’s getting £1200 rent from his place of which I see nothing. However I don’t want to share the mortgage or ownership of this property as it is my security. So I don’t really want contributions to the mortgage. If we split he has nowhere to go until tenants are moved on. He will also lose that money which he relies on.
The wedding has been paid for on credit card in my name purely because only one person could be on the application. The idea that I carry all the debt sits uncomfortably with me. I’m very good with money. He is less so but is also very comfortable with a good pension £1200 a month, rent income and also part-time earnings. I suspect he earns as much as me but doesn’t have a mortgage of £1000 a month to pay. He has a mortgage on his house but is only paying interest. In 6-7 yrs he has to rely on selling to pay it off or inheritance (it’s very likely he’ll do both easily but again this bothers me as I forward plan really carefully). He does voluntarily pay for a lot of things like social tickets, treats, meals etc.
We have been really happy, we like the same hobbies however he hasn’t engaged as much lately seeming to be tired. I really don’t know whether I should go through with the wedding. Pre-wedding jitters or red flags?