Anyone who's been hated/disliked/disrespected by other females due to being "too nice"?

[Loka123]

I've noticed throughout my life, every female (I am also female) who has disliked me (e.g. wouldn't invite me to social gatherings but would invite nearly everyone else, wouldn't ask to go to lunch with me, talks to me less etc.) would always comment how "nice/kind/polite/soft/smiley" I seem.. and I do know I'm a bit of a people pleaser.. Also, I always feel like I have to smile and often node all the time e.g. when listening to someone talk to me - I feel if I don't smile, it comes across negative (even if obviously it'd just be a neutral face expression I'd have instead).

Have any of you disliked someone simply because their too nice? I just don't get that as I'd never be horrible to a girl just because they seem to nice/soft. I have heard of a lot of girls not liking "too nice men" for dating etc. which I kinda get but not why that would mean you wouldn't be friends with someone? I suppose it's because they think they can treat you how ever they want and still come back to expect favours etc.

Also, how can I get the balance right?? I don't want to be too nice, people pleaser-y/bit of a doormat but neither do I want to be a horrible, rude person either - any examples and tips?

People will value you as much as you value yourself. This means that you have to address it when people treat you less well.
It sounds like you are lovely but people do exploit this.

OP,

It could be that these girls are jealous of you, jealous of your kindness and how other people (or men) are towards you so they take a disliking towards you because of that.

Op yes I’ve had this too.
Been called out on a night out with the school mums in front of everyone one said ‘ditzy you’re so annoying nice all the time it’s so sad’ when I wouldn’t engage in the slagging off of another perfectly nice mum.
People seem to question why I speak to everyone and try to be inclusive when making arrangements with friends like I’ve got an ulterior motive when I’m just making sure no one feels left out.
It might be cool but it’s nice to be nice.

It's never been explicitly stated, but I wonder if this might be where I'm going wrong. It could just be that I'm annoying. I don't go out of my way to be nice, I'll certainly say if something upsets me, but I'm not a bitchy person. I don't like bullies or people who make fun of others for stupid reasons (e.g they smell or they're overweight, or appear mentally challenged).

I've been told I've got a stupid thing going on, that I'm little miss mouse, that I'm too polite, a skinny bitch (I'm not skinny or a bitch), that Im a push over etc etc. I find it very hard to keep female friendships, so there might be something in what you say op. I hope so, would rather it was a problem with them than me tbh 😉.

I get this a lot too especially at work. I think people see it as a weakness but I always say it takes alot more strength to be nice and kind when it would be much easier to join in being nasty and bitchy.

Is it not surely more that they’re saying you’re nice as it’s a way of denying that they dislike you? Like, if someone mentions you and they don’t like you it’s an easy deflection to comment on how nice/lovely you are rather than admit their true thoughts?

I know someone like this. Everyone feels she's fake. Nobody could be that over the top nice and happy all the time. She also just tells people what they want to hear so never has an opinion on anything.

The things you list that you interpret as meaning they dislike you seem quite minor.

Smiling / nodding a lot, if it’s what you always do because you thnk you should rather than a genuine reaction to the interaction, can come across as false or uncomfortable.

I Deffinatly think people are cynical and getting harder these days, so when they see someone soft and genuinely nice they either get jealous or think that persons being fake! Maybe just try and relax and not try so hard. But never change being your soft lovely self, the world.is missing /too short on people like you

Honestly... all the people I know who are genuinely kind and thoughtful and responsive to others are also well liked in return.

Don't turn yourself into a sour faced bitch just to make other people happy.

Fuck them!!

I've never met anyone genuinely nice who isn't almost universally liked. I do know people who BELIEVE they're "nice" but are actually sly as fuck

If you smile and nod when people are talking to you then I think that might come across as not being genuine. The people that I know that are genuinely nice are very well liked but then I know some people that pretend to be sweet as sugar and are very fake about it and it rubs people up the wrong way.

I can only guess you seem too “nice” to be genuine. Like a bit stepford or Mary poppies? People who never ever have a bad word to say about life come across as not true.
I don’t like bitching at all but I will have a moan about life in general.

No, absolutely not, I'm more likely to warm to someone like that.

Also, I always feel like I have to smile and often node all the time e.g. when listening to someone talk to me - I feel if I don't smile, it comes across negative (even if obviously it'd just be a neutral face expression I'd have instead).

You say this though ⬆️

I'd pick up on this as you being false & that would definitely put me off.

Being a bitch isn’t the opposite to being a people pleaser. I don’t see being a people pleaser as a positive trait, more like a symptom of deep insecurity.

I have known some people pleasers in my time and it was difficult ‘to get to know them’ because their response was always contingent on the wants of others.

How is someone supposed to get to know you if you aren’t comfortable about showing who you are.

Bitchy gossips tend to be more popular.

Stop being a people pleaser but remain nice. Your real friends will value it.

I know someone like this. Everyone feels she's fake. Nobody could be that over the top nice and happy all the time. She also just tells people what they want to hear so never has an opinion on anything.

This was my first thought. I like nice people but I also know a few "super friendy" people who need to be liked and will tell people what they want to hear and agree with anything. It comes across as insincere and I don't trust them.

People with no opinions are dull. Often poorly read too with little interest in the world, hence no opinions and dull. Might be "nice" to others but still dull.

People who have opinions but hide them or lie about them in order to be "nice" are both dull and fake.

Remember that not everyone will like you. Isn't there some stat that out of every 5 people, 1 will dislike you, 1 will like you and 3 will think you are just OK?

Yes but if you are truly being yourself then carry on. And let other people be entitled to their own opinions and be themselves too. Not everyone likes everyone.

If you are just being a people pleaser though try to get more intune with who you are

I have worked with people who are lovely - bouncy, cheerful, always happy from the moment they get up in the morning until the moment they shut their eyes (and presumably have lovely, happy dreams).

I don't dislike them. But they do my head in. I deal with them pleasantly as much as I have to and then slope off back to the safety of colleagues who are as misanthropic and sarcastic as I am.

In a similar way, the MIL is 100% pure Nice. Not a scrap of malice in there. But she also has a passive, wide eyed lack of comprehension so that, if you're trying to talk with her (you know, as in being polite and pleasant), you are faced with the sneaking suspicion that there is absolutely nothing behind those eyes and were you to have any problems, she would be incapable of understanding, much less helping.

The OH has confirmed that is exactly what she's always been like - especially in anything relating to health or distress. You could be telling her that a 5ft rabid mutant gerbil had just chewed your right leg of and it's currently coming up behind her to beat her to death with your missing limb whilst you die of massive blood loss, and she'd smile and nod and talk about next door's flowers. As she did when he shattered his leg - except she decided to go and make herself tea and a sandwich whilst he lay on the sofa with both bones sticking out of the side (District Nurse visiting next door heard his screams and practically forced her way inside - one ambulance later and he was in surgery and hospital for three months. She still doesn't seem to grasp that he nearly lost his leg, despite the surgeon explaining it to both of his parents very carefully).

In all honesty, I feel like I'd get more intelligent conversation out of the cat. I don't dislike her, she is 'lovely'. But I can't be in her company for more than an hour or so without planning my escape out the window.

I'm sure that technically makes me a bad person. But I can't help feeling like that - and I wouldn't dream of being unpleasant to her or any of the bouncy colleagues.

Smiley smarmy people pleasers creep me out frankly

Thanks for the responses so far everyone :)

Interesting. I haven't come across this being done in a 'nasty way'.

Yesterday I did in-fact tell my closest friend that she was too nice and a people pleaser. But it was done in a really loving way, because she needs to stand up for herself more.

place marking.

At work, there are always 1-2 women who will exclude me, either because they perceive that I don't validate them (reflect well on them) or because they're threatened that other people like me and they don't understand WHY.

Always. Every. Place. I. Work.

The same.

I'm getting better at dealing with it now. I am ''nice'' I guess a little bit more towards the people pleasing end of the spectrum but I'm not going to give indiscriminately out of fear. I value myself.

I ''know'' myself. I am living consciously and this stuff still happens so it's not always a case of ''if you love yourself, this won't happen''.