Anyone who's been hated/disliked/disrespected by other females due to being "too nice"?

[Loka123]

I've noticed throughout my life, every female (I am also female) who has disliked me (e.g. wouldn't invite me to social gatherings but would invite nearly everyone else, wouldn't ask to go to lunch with me, talks to me less etc.) would always comment how "nice/kind/polite/soft/smiley" I seem.. and I do know I'm a bit of a people pleaser.. Also, I always feel like I have to smile and often node all the time e.g. when listening to someone talk to me - I feel if I don't smile, it comes across negative (even if obviously it'd just be a neutral face expression I'd have instead).

Have any of you disliked someone simply because their too nice? I just don't get that as I'd never be horrible to a girl just because they seem to nice/soft. I have heard of a lot of girls not liking "too nice men" for dating etc. which I kinda get but not why that would mean you wouldn't be friends with someone? I suppose it's because they think they can treat you how ever they want and still come back to expect favours etc.

Also, how can I get the balance right?? I don't want to be too nice, people pleaser-y/bit of a doormat but neither do I want to be a horrible, rude person either - any examples and tips?

I don't really have any friends in this new town where I live now (nine months!). It's chance... I can't seem to meet people with my interests. My last town I had some lovely friends.

It can be hard to make friends as an adult, OP. It might be nothing to do with you as such, simply that you haven't found your people.

.

Namechange8471 There seems to be a rebellion against the feminine.

“I've never met anyone genuinely nice who isn't almost universally liked. I do know people who BELIEVE they're "nice" but are actually sly as fuck”

I completely agree. OP, you’ve described yourself as someone who is a people pleaser and someone who’s got a fake smile pasted on because you’re afraid what might happen if you’re not seen as being smiley.

That is not a description of a nice person but someone who’s being fake and desperate to be liked.

I’d be swerving you because you would come across as manipulative rather than nice.

Niceness that comes from a place of confidence us great, and as others have said, these people seem to be universally popular.

But people pleasing is insincere and irritating.

Softness too can be pretty annoying, if it means a wet blanket who is never proactive in helping themselves.

And as for men not minding it - I think the unpalatable truth is that a lot of men have a high amount of self confidence so if someone tells them what they want to hear, they take it at face value. Women are imo, better at spotting insincerity.

And I believe you don’t treated like this by men because there’s a bit of truth in the old stereotype... men get more “threatened”
by aggressive/alpha behaviour from other men and don’t pick up fake smiley females as a “threat” in the same way females do.

Niceness that comes from a place of confidence us great, and as others have said, these people seem to be universally popular. Well said.

“I've never met anyone genuinely nice who isn't almost universally liked. I do know people who BELIEVE they're "nice" but are actually sly as fuck” Yes to that!

I don’t see being a people pleaser as a positive trait, more like a symptom of deep insecurity

This!!!! I had a very kind, smiley, nice friend who was just overly nice to the point that I felt smothered by her niceness and kindness. Deep down she was very insecure and compensated by adopting an incredible need to feel needed. I wasn't unkind or bitchy to her but it all felt a bit false somehow and I always felt on edge around her. It was like she was being kind and nice to satisfy her own needs rather than being genuinely concerned about other's needs iyswim.

My husband has a big group of friends, i see their wives and partners a lot at weddings and nights out. Not so much now but 5 years ago it was every weekend. I found I got on well with them all individually but didn't like the group so much as they were always calling someone and I didn't get involved. After a while I felt a bit pushed out and like I wasn't well liked. I talked to my best friend about it who was like "redrupunzle you're far to nice. No one could say a bad word about you you're lovely but you don't really have much in common with those girls so unless you're going to start bitching they're going to think you're boring". She was right, generally I like getting on with everyone and tbh I'd rather be considered boring then be nasty about someone for no reason. Having kids has made life much easier, I can say Hi and chat for a while but once the start gossiping the kids suddenly need me for something

Teneseewhiskey, I think I’m much the same. I’m quite a straight talker and if someone is wrong about something I’ll call them out on it. I’m also very independent and capable and like my own space. I have absolutely no time in my life for bullshit and faffing and quite often would rather be on my own than have to endure it, particularly in a larger group.

To answer your original question OP, you first have to be happy in yourself. Plod your own path doing what you do and similar minded folk will naturally drift towards you. You can be nice, polite and kind without coming across as needy. In my friendship group I think everyone is nice and kind but no one is in each other’s face about it. A conversation is a two way street, so while be interested in what others say, talk about yourself too to redress the balance. That way you’ll be a bit more open and people will know more about you. Hope this helps.

I've never known anything like this. But then I'm not a people pleaser, I don't need to be friends with everyone and I don't expect everyone to like me.

I am always wary of people who claim to be nice or even 'too nice'. I probably would not trust you because I would probably see you as fake and insincere. I prefer open, honest people who stand for their convictions and aren’t licking my arse. I am also sick and tired of all of these clichés of ‘mean’ bitchy girls. It’s buying into typical misogynistic propaganda. It is healthy and normal to bond with other strong females over shared likes and dislikes, including people. If you try to please and like everyone, then it dilutes your integrity and makes it pretty meaningless.

Being a bitch isn’t the opposite to being a people pleaser. I don’t see being a people pleaser as a positive trait, more like a symptom of deep insecurity.

This. And, OP, you sound as if you think people need to provide a reason on a checklist to dislike you -- they don't. Maybe they think you're dull as ditchwater, with all the nodding and smiling. Maybe they think you haven't an independent thought or opinion in your head, with all the nodding and smiling. Maybe they come away after a conversation with you, and realise they know nothing about you because you've just agreed with everything they said. Maybe you make yourself socially invisible with all the nodding and smiling, and they literally forget to invite you to things because your persona is 'human wallpaper'. I certainly wouldn't want to spend time around that.

What would happen if you stopped with the people-pleasing persona and said what you thought?

I've seen this happen once when the very very nice person also had a terrible run of bad luck, a few quite tragic things happened to her in a short space of time.

One of the things was her baby son appeared to have some serious health issues and at the same time she began to experience some health problems herself.

Among the group of initially supportive friends (quite new friends who had babies the same age), she went from being the central figure whose niceness had brought them altogether to being the one they all talked about. Initially with pity and people wanting to help until people started slipping sly bitchy comments in.

A few particularly horrible members of this group ostracised her over a period of time - her softness meant she didn't demand answers off doctors as quickly as they would have, she wasn't being assertive enough, she was pandering to her baby who probably just had colic, then it turned into bitching about her whingeing and just not helping herself.

it turned out both she and her son were diagnosed with different but life-changing and life-limiting conditions in the same year. I hope these women felt like twats when they found out about it.

They found her niceness frustrating in the end and I do think there was a bit of them not liking the fact she started off being so universally liked and the centre of the social circle. They wanted to bring her down a peg or two and when she started experiencing problems it was their opportunity

It’s totally down to if you engage them or not.

I know one smiley lovely mum at school. But she has no chat. I’d hate to have to sit next to her st an event. She seems to have lots of friends on her facebook so must have something about her.

I’ve been with lady today who was happy, smiley but really engaging.

If your yoirvthst person that fixes a smile and nods away people don’t see who you really are and disconnect