Anyone who's been hated/disliked/disrespected by other females due to being "too nice"?

[Loka123]

I've noticed throughout my life, every female (I am also female) who has disliked me (e.g. wouldn't invite me to social gatherings but would invite nearly everyone else, wouldn't ask to go to lunch with me, talks to me less etc.) would always comment how "nice/kind/polite/soft/smiley" I seem.. and I do know I'm a bit of a people pleaser.. Also, I always feel like I have to smile and often node all the time e.g. when listening to someone talk to me - I feel if I don't smile, it comes across negative (even if obviously it'd just be a neutral face expression I'd have instead).

Have any of you disliked someone simply because their too nice? I just don't get that as I'd never be horrible to a girl just because they seem to nice/soft. I have heard of a lot of girls not liking "too nice men" for dating etc. which I kinda get but not why that would mean you wouldn't be friends with someone? I suppose it's because they think they can treat you how ever they want and still come back to expect favours etc.

Also, how can I get the balance right?? I don't want to be too nice, people pleaser-y/bit of a doormat but neither do I want to be a horrible, rude person either - any examples and tips?

Very interesting thread. I have great difficulty in maintaining female friendships too and I absolutely freeze when girl groups start the “rip somebody apart” group bonding type thing that all female groups tend to do. I was having an mot done on my car a few weeks ago. I popped into a nearby coffee shop for a quick one. Sat on my own. Surrounded by 2/3 person female groups. No lie, they were ALL talking about a woman (different women per group) in a negative/bitchy way. Bonding together over a mutual slag off. I found it really depressing to be honest.

I think you need to be nice but also be assertive, there's a lovely girl at my work who everyone dislikes, I think it's because she's so quiet and a pushover because there's nothing else she's done wrong

I think they just don't like you. But they are being polite. Nice, soft and a people pleaser could be a bit wet and boring. That sounds really harsh, but I find that sort of person quite tedious to be around. I'm not saying that's you, perhaps you're really well read and interesting, or very funny. But if nice, soft and a people pleaser are your primary characteristics, then I probably wouldn't want to socialise with you outside of work either.

People who are nice all the time are sometimes a bit dull because they can lack personality I guess. Often the ones who are nice are quiet and people pleasers, so just agree with everything you say without having opinions. It’s usually the louder confident ones who are the most popular, rightly or wrongly.

I'm very funny and I'm a people pleaser. I'm confident EXCEPT around somebody who sniffs out a deep underlying vulnerability and tries to exclude me, so it's not as cut and dried as people pleasers are boring!

I know a couple of incredibly nice women. They are always sweet and kind and complimentary and they never whinge or criticise anything. I don’t hate them (who could?) but I find them quite dull and would much rather have a coffee with someone who is a bit spiky, opinionated and self deprecating —and yes even bitchy at times—.

Gah why does my strikeout never work?

I've never met anyone genuinely nice who isn't almost universally liked

This

People pleasing is a negative trait, not a positive one.

You have openly admitted that you are fake when you talk to people (smiling and nodding) so I am surprised that you haven’t picked up that maybe that’s why they don’t like you.

“Nice” doesn’t mean “dull in conversation”, but is sometimes used as a euphimism for dull.

If I find that a group of women I've got to know have form for bonding over saying nasty stuff about a particular person, I tend to decide I don't like them. Context is important, though. If that person demonstrably behaves like a nasty piece of work it's different from the 'he said she said this person has the wrong shape of smile' kind of projective bitching that goes on in far too many places.

Speaking of projection, OP (and sorry to post again so quickly but I'm posting between tasks) I think this may be part of your problem. Overly pleasant people often come across as a bit of a blank slate, and you know what happens to a clean white wall in a dodgy neighbourhood - it gets graffitied. The psychological equivalent of this is when people who are a bit unnerved or bewilder

How do you get the balance right?

Cut down on the smiling and nodding stuff.
Start expressing your own opinion more.

I don't like people pleasers. Their falseness isn't an appealing trait.

...WTF just happened there???

People who are a bit unnerved or bewildered by the niceness start to project all their suspicion and fear and jealousy and anger on to the 'blank slate'. There's a reason why non judgemental listening is such a powerful counselling tool. You need to develop more self-awareness to handle what your 'niceness' dredges up.

It's probably one of two things:

1. Maybe you come across as insincere/shallow/vacuous/uninteresting because of all the nodding and smiling (though I'm sure you really are nice and interesting if people get to know you)

or 2. They enjoy bitching about other women and don't like people who spoil their 'fun' by not joining in.

I know quite a few genuinely nice people who never have a bad word to say about anyone and are very giving/caring and I really like spending time with them, but they do have their own opinions and are reasonably assertive about putting forward an alternative view even if they won't outright say that somebody else is wrong.

I find people who always agree, smile and nod, and never say anything that might oppose what I'm saying to be a little uncomfortable. I'm not sure that I can really describe why, something to do with a lack of feedback I think. It feels like there's no way of knowing that person well enough to be friends because all interaction is permanently at the super-polite, meeting-for-the-first-time level. For instance, I can't tell if the other person is bored and we should change the subject, or if they find my joke a little offensive, or if they need to leave because they have to be somewhere else and they're too polite to tell me. I also really enjoy being with people who have a totally different point of view to me, it expands my mind/knowledge. If I just get my own opinions reflected back at me it's a bit dull.

I'm not saying that I would avoid or dislike someone like the OP at all, just that it would be really hard for the acquaintance to move forward into friendship.

Thank you everyone for your helpful insights into the female mind so far haha I'll try to learn from your answers. It's so odd that in general, men don't respond so negatively to people being people pleasers.

I have had a couple of friends who are nice all the time and people pleasers, I would quite like them to say what they really are thinking not what they think I want to hear.I don’t dislike them buy I think their advice and opinions could not be truthful sometimes purely because they want to be liked. It’s a sort of accidental dishonesty.

Some men like people pleasing women because they are easy to turn in to doormats within a relationship.

@adversecamber
Thanks for your response. I more meant also males in a friendship context e.g. happily married male collegues etc. - never been treated rudely by them at all either.

Any more insights appreciated :)

IT is perfectly possible to be nice and also be your own person with opinions. I would say all my close friends are kind helpful people, but not adverse to the odd bitch when it's warranted.

Oh YES. I have definitely experienced this but now I'm older (35), I've realised a few things.

1. I only ever experience it from women round about my own age, less so now I'm older but in my 20s it was truly awful. Children, younger and older women and men generally like me and I'm fairly popular with everyone except women within my own age group who have, in the past, excluded me.

1. I don't like bitching. So why did I spend years trying to be liked by or fit in with women who got their kicks from tearing other people, usually other women, down?! Also, I used be a bit timid about not getting involved in bitching. I'd be very sweet and say, "oh c'mon don't lets be mean, can we talk about something else?". The other day when someone tried to bitch to me (in a church FFS!), I held my hand up whilst she was mid-bitch and firmly said, "He's always been lovely to me and I will not hear a bad word said about him'. That approach has got me far more respect and less eye rolling, "ugh, you're so NICE" etc. They just seem to accept it and move on.

1. I genuinely don't give a fuck anymore. I've got the friendships I need and I have no need for the approval of random people who I struggle to respect anyway. I don't want to be friends with people who are cruel to others, spend all their time wallowing in negativity and acting in a toxic or cruel way towards innocent people. Life is too short. Again, once you have the attitude of being respectful generally but not letting everyone have a piece of you or unfettered access into your life, people oddly seem to respect you more.

So get clear on your boundaries, realise that being excluded for being nice can be a blessing in disguise and don't compromise your values for anyone. Also...none of this will matter in 10 years time! You do you.

I have experienced this. I always try to be happy, to be even tempered and nice.

I have had several women that seemed to not like me for no reason. The things with me is that I don't put up with their shit either.

In each occassion, when they have made nasty little comments I have made a point of drawing attention to it and asking them why they think it's ok to treat people like they are and why they are wrong in what they said. Don't loss my shit, or make nasty comments back but state matter of factly why their comment is incorrect.

I over heard one telling our manager I wasn't doing my job, they were sat 3 feet away and I wasn't having it, because I was doing exactly what my job was.

The other had a go at me because someone else had been talking about her behind her back, I told her to pipe down, that I knew nothing about it and she wasn't taking someone else's actions out on me.

I have to say after that they have been fine. I don't know if they saw me as an easy target or thought my personality was fake.

I don't really have that problem anymore. In work I am always known as someone who is nice and approachable. But also someone who doesn't take shit.

You can only be yourself op and if people don't like it that's their problem.

But if you are not honest with others, you are keeping them at arms length and people don't know if you want to spend time with them or not.

I think men in general are more comfortable with arms length friendships, and can go on for years being friends with people who they don't really know anything about. I was more of I guys girl when i was younger and can recall on several occassions seeing men bitching about 1 member of the group as soon as they left the room etc, so I don't think men are morally superior in that regard.

Incidentally women who don't like men who are too nice always seem to end up moaning about their useless nobhead partners, and I refuse to feel sorry for them.

You can still be nice but stand your ground when needed. People on the defensive all the time is just as bad.

I get this op! I'm too nice, soft, quiet apparently.