Grandparents want to see my get married...

[JKCR2017]

So I’ve always been really close to my gradndparenrs. They are in their late 70’s so hopefully be around for a good few years yet!

I’ve been with Oh for 6 years. He took on DS as his own and we have DS. Although we aren’t married, we are in a stable faithful and trustworthy relationship. We are pretty much a married couple but without being married 😂😂

Whilst visiting my grandparents today marriage was brought up and how they think we should get married as they would like to see it before they go 😰 OH laughed it off saying we can’t afford it yet but it’s been playing on my mind all day.

We have talked about marriage, a lot actually. It’s something we both want but we cannot afford it because we only have one income at the minute (I find it impossible to work around Oh’s new unsociable work hours). We also need to save for a new kitchen as ours is so basic and it needs a re-furb.

Now I’m thinking.. obviously they would like to see me get married but I’m also thinking it’s because they want me to have security in the future. OH owns our house, he bought it when we had been together a few months and I moved when we had been together about 2 years. I have contributed financially to the house and obviously looked after it etc but technically it’s not mine. I didn’t pay anything the deposit etc, it’s all in his name (which I’m fine with btw).

Feeling pressurised about getting married. I’d love to get married but I don’t want a budget wedding and we cannot afford an expensive one right now! We aren’t even engaged!!

You could just go to the registry office & just get married.

It is the wedding you can't afford, not the marriage.

Have a party in a few years time if you want to celebrate.

Could you compromise and have a marriage at a Register Office now and then the big wedding party at a later date when you can afford it?

I think that if you have children and aren't working then you can't afford to not be married. You are in a very vulnerable position.

He owns the house
You don’t work
You have 2 kids
You contribute to a house you don’t own

Your future is unstable.

He could kick you out at anytime with nothing

You can't afford to be left with nothing if he leaves in ten years. Get him to pay you for being at home with kids and put it towards your own house/pension. He will say he can't afford it - well, you can't afford to finance his house and pension for him!

Bet your gp would love a cheap n cheerfulv wedding you know

Financially marriage would be your wisest move. What’s the use in a new kitchen if you lose it if you break up?

All the above concerns, just do the ceremony and a meal at a restaurant for family.

Friends got married on accountants advice. Otherwise relations have a pull on assets rather than you or your DP

Sorry I meant if one of you died.

Your grandparents made one comment this afternoon

You have presumed it’s because of financial security. But they never said this.

And now you feel pressurised. They made one comment!

I wouldn't do it because your GP want you to. But I would absolutely do it to address the extremely insecure position you are currently in.

I would have a registry office wedding with your grandparents as the only witnesses. Save up for a big blessing and celebration in the future.

It will be something special to do and you'll have the financial security you need now you have DC and are dependent on DP.

Why not a budget wedding now, with a promise to yourselves of a 5 year wedding party (or 10 year) when you can afford it?

Then you will have the stability of being married, with the big party to follow?

Registry office with your children and your parents present, meal at local pub/restaurant afterwards to celebrate with parents, siblings and grandparents only, on a pay-for-yourself basis?

Perhaps your grandparents can contribute to the wedding bill if they are able to?

Hi @JKCR2017

First of all, I think its great that you have a partner that you can potentially marry while you also have grandparents that are alive. My grandparents have all passed and it really hurt me that my grandmother was not here to see me marry my husband last summer.

I realise that in today's society, most people view a relationship, kids and a house as the same as marriage, without actually having to get married. I have family and friends who fall into that category and thats fine for them. Your grandparents are probably more traditional (like me) and understand that. marriage is a greater commitment between two people and for some (also like me) between that couple and God.

From what you said it sounds like you would like to get married. Taking away the money aspect first of all, you get to have the same last name as your child. Also, being married connects your family so much closer and your children will grow up to learn, understand and respect what marriage involves. You may love your partner now and be committed to him but there is something different about actually being married to that person.

On another note, I wanted the big, fancy wedding and I got it. It was not easy, we saved, took on part-time jobs, bank loans, credit cards and we pulled off the big day. As much as I do not regret my wedding day and the way it was, looking back I kind of realise that if we had done something smaller then I would just be as happy today but with less debt.

There are a few ways you can have a wedding on a budget but for it to still look nice and fancy and also a few things you can do before your engaged. The first point (something I wanted to do but never did) is that you can actually start saving now for the wedding even though weddings are not on the table and your not engaged. Most venues require a big deposit of £500 to £1000 so even £50 a month is something to get you started which will surprise your partner when he finally pops the question.

As for budget weddings: you can have a week day wedding (for one venue it was £6000 on a Wednesday and £9000 on a Saturday for a 120 people guest list). The other factors is how many people you invite. Most places charge by the person for a three course meal and drinks package. Say a venue is £50 per person then you x that by your numbers of people. If you both have large families then its difficult to narrow down the list but you can have a small reception and ceremony with like 30 to 50 people and then invite 100 people more in the evening to see your first dance.

You should look for a venue that includes the wedding cake also. If your not religious (or would find a minister/priest) who would do the wedding in a hotel then a ceremony and reception in the same venue would save on cars (that cost me £800). As for decoration, you could potentially do it all yourself or shop around for decoration wedding companies and you can spend as little or as much as you like on that. You can buy a dress off the peg and ask friends and family to donate to your photographer etc instead of a formal wedding present.

These are some suggestions but the point is you can do it if you work out a plan. I see you say you need a new kitchen and you also have kids (I don't have kids yet) so that makes budgeting and planning harder but you can also plan a wedding and book over 2/3 years. I saw make up artists opening their books for 2021!! So seriously it can be done.

I think the first thing though is waiting on your man to propose. Drop a few hints here and there but generally do not push him as he can change his mind afterwards. You have a child together and thats already a big commitment, either way he is in your life forever but if your truly meant to get married it will happen one day. You just have to be prayerful that it will happen before your grandparents leave this earth.

I would discuss it with him more and then leave him to think. I do hope my suggestions and advice finds you well and I wish you the best of luck and happiness in 2019.

A potential kitchen refurb here is the least of your worries; you have basically handed over all vestiges of power and control here to him and you are now completely reliant on him as a result. Your apparant naivety here re the legalities is your undoing and in no way should you be fine about this house being in his sole name. Where does this leave you legally and currently - up shit creek without a paddle.

You do realise of course that the money you have put into his house is money that in all likelihood you will never see again were you to separate. Your own legal position as it stands currently is piss poor; the law is going to say here that you are still two individuals who are unrelated to each other. If he was to die unexpectedly and suddenly your own financial position would be perilous as well as having his parents to deal with (you could become totally reliant on their goodwill). You would not be able to claim any sort of widows allowance, open Letters of Administration for his estate, nor even choose a headstone. There is also no such thing as common law wife status.

You have two children by him (and presumably they have his surname as well rather than your own) and have discussed marriage already so I would talk to him about arranging a date for a registry office ceremony asap with his relations and your grandparents present. You're both adults here and I sincerely hope he is not the sort who ultimately thinks that you are good enough to live with and have kids by but not to marry. What are you to him in that case?.

Would a registry office wedding be seen to you as a "budget wedding"?. What have you discussed re wedding ceremonies if anything?. You have been together several years now and have a child together, do you really want a big white wedding?. If he still says he can't afford it - well, you can't afford to finance his house, childcare and pension for him!.

The fact as well that your eldest child as his stepson would make it more imperative that you are married. Financial and emotional complications galore will hit you right between the eyes in the event he was to die suddenly and whilst dealing with your own emotional grief.

OP a lot of people have a stable lifetime relationship and have children without being married.

Also, many women discover that their DP is cheating/planning to leave/no longer in love with them and the relationship ends, but they have nothing because he owns the house and she has been a SAHM. So no property, no income, no savings, no pension.

Personally I would advise you to get married soon. A registry wedding could be a good option. You could then have a celebratory party later, or a small gathering like parents and grandparents for a nice lunch,dinner.

A few things:

1. Don't get married just to please other people

1. If you want to get married, it doesn't have to be expensive

1. You are a fool for paying for a house you have absolutely no claim on

You have a child so practically and realistically speaking the time for the big white wedding has passed.

I actually took a sharp intake of breath when I read that you are in an extremely vulnerable financial position.

I can’t believe you would rather spend your money on improving his house rather than have a wedding ceremony!

Does your partner even want to marry you?

I’m going to say no, @VietnameseCrispyFish. I have heard it and seen it so many times - the bloke says “we can’t afford to get married!” - oh but you can afford two or three DC, a new car every three years, pets, a new kitchen, one or two foreign holidays a year?

It’s an absolute excuse!

Well, quite. It just seems all a bit premature posters saying ‘go get married on the cheap’ and advising how to do it when her DP hasn’t even asked her to. Yes I know it’s 2019 and they can make a mutual decision, but if they’ve been discussing it all this time I assume OP knows whether they’re the type to wait for a proposal from the man or whether they do genuinely both want to marry (in which case they’ve have done it by now or OP would have no qualms booking a date).

He does want to get married (or so he says). We have talked about a lot. We aren’t engaged but he has said he doesn’t want a long engagement and would rather be engaged and married within 6 months to a year.

My grandparents are quite well off and probably could afford to contribute but I wouldn’t expect them to. They paid for my mums wedding to her now ex husband and it lasted a few months 🤔😬 it costs them thousands!!

I don’t work atm. I’m a SAHM to two D.C (one with additional needs) and he provides financially right now.

We are in a stable relationship. Finically everything is shared. He works, pays the bills etc and is a pretty generous man (but he is also sensible).

I have no problem with a registry office but the one closest to me is pretty run down so that puts me off the idea. I am not particularly religious but I would love a church wedding but that is really expensive!