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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Grandparents want to see my get married...

58 replies

JKCR2017 · 05/01/2019 17:26

So I’ve always been really close to my gradndparenrs. They are in their late 70’s so hopefully be around for a good few years yet!

I’ve been with Oh for 6 years. He took on DS as his own and we have DS. Although we aren’t married, we are in a stable faithful and trustworthy relationship. We are pretty much a married couple but without being married 😂😂

Whilst visiting my grandparents today marriage was brought up and how they think we should get married as they would like to see it before they go 😰 OH laughed it off saying we can’t afford it yet but it’s been playing on my mind all day.

We have talked about marriage, a lot actually. It’s something we both want but we cannot afford it because we only have one income at the minute (I find it impossible to work around Oh’s new unsociable work hours). We also need to save for a new kitchen as ours is so basic and it needs a re-furb.

Now I’m thinking.. obviously they would like to see me get married but I’m also thinking it’s because they want me to have security in the future. OH owns our house, he bought it when we had been together a few months and I moved when we had been together about 2 years. I have contributed financially to the house and obviously looked after it etc but technically it’s not mine. I didn’t pay anything the deposit etc, it’s all in his name (which I’m fine with btw).

Feeling pressurised about getting married. I’d love to get married but I don’t want a budget wedding and we cannot afford an expensive one right now! We aren’t even engaged!!

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 05/01/2019 18:39

You either need to get married or get back to work full time and get some legal documents drawn up setting out your rights to property that you have invested in, etc etc.

Your DC are a mutual responsibility not just yours. Your DP needs to step up here to give you the opportunity to work.

Time for a serious chat. Your DC deserve better than this, they deserve financial security and at the moment they have none.

What would your DP say to a registry wedding?

Original poster
JKCR2017 · 05/01/2019 18:40

Also, I would love a wedding but I would also love a kitchen! 😂 to me a wedding wouldn’t change much other than the legal
Side of things which I know is important. As for my kitchen? I am pretty house proud and my kitchen annoys me every day 😂

OP posts:
RagingWhoreBag · 05/01/2019 18:42

think the first thing though is waiting on your man to propose. Drop a few hints here and there but generally do not push him as he can change his mind afterwards. You have a child together and thats already a big commitment, either way he is in your life forever but if your truly meant to get married it will happen one day. You just have to be prayerful that it will happen before your grandparents leave this earth.

I would discuss it with him more and then leave him to think.

Oh yes OP, whatever you do, don’t try and have any say in your own financial or relationship status - just sit tight and behave nicely and hopefully your DP will realise that having a SAHM who looks after his DC, contributes to the running of his house but has no stake in any of it for the future is not enough and he’ll decide to spend thousands of pounds to make sure that in the event of a split you are able to take half his house. That will definitely happen HmmConfused

NeverStopExploring · 05/01/2019 18:44

Get married at the right time in the right place for you two not for other people. You could rush it and regret it and they could live another 20 years. Anything can happen at any time. It all boils down to a legal contract not the party so as long as your both secure and financially safe do it when you both want

Doved · 05/01/2019 18:45

You don't have to marry at the closest registry office, it can be any you like. Some are very nice buildings.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 05/01/2019 18:46

Then if having a certain wedding is important to you OP and you’d rather a kitchen, don’t allow anyone else to make you feel you have to make any other choice.
It’s your life !

notacooldad · 05/01/2019 18:47

What she up with a budget wedding?
You are making it about the day not about what being married means which quite frankly in your position is ridiculous
As others have said you have made yourself vulnerable. Why would you do that when you have kids?

RandomMess · 05/01/2019 18:49

Financially things are not shared because the house isn't a shared asset...

bengalcat · 05/01/2019 18:51

Well if you’re not going to marry him any time soon do you know if he has a will and are you and your children beneficiaries ? If he’s killed in a freak accident tomorrow , you’re unmarried and there’s no will naming you as a beneficiary then your lovely house and all his other assets will go to his relatives unless any of them are charitable enough to let you keep all and stay in your lovely home .

Ianhislopsconscience · 05/01/2019 18:56

Goodness. You posts indicate that you really have no idea how vulnerable you are. There’s no way I’d be prioritising anything over getting married in your situation. Your grandparents probably realise your vulnerability and that’s why they have mentioned it.
You can get married for £500. Just do it. Then you can relax. The tragic stories on this board from women who thought they’d had children and they were in a loving committed relationship. And then suddenly they weren’t. They lost their home, a good portion of their finances and all contributions both financial and time (child rearing) were lost.
Your posts actually make you sound like you think it’s a joke.
Your DP will fully understand the financial implications of marriage. And this may be why he is dragging his heel. You have a problem here. It may be very difficult for you to get him to marry you now... there’s nothing in it for him....

WombOfOnesOwn · 05/01/2019 18:59

A special needs child may require you to be a SAHM for a long time, paying into a house that isn't yours.

You could be left with absolutely nothing. The "legal side" is probably why your grandparents are asking you to get married, not the part with you in a poofy white dress.

They may be concerned that because you have an idea of a wedding as a party where you express your aesthetic preferences and spend thousands, you're going to cheat yourself out of your entire half of your shared property with your DP, which will cost much more than even a very lovely wedding.

If they could afford to finance weddings that cost a lot, they may be very worried about leaving any inheritance to someone who might be so foolish as to put that money into "shared family finances" that she actually is not entitled to keep.

Read MN relationships and find the stories of thousands of women who shared finances because their DP was wonderful and kind and generous...until he wasn't. There are a thousand reasons men change their minds about how to treat their partner. Get the assets you're entitled to, or you're trapping yourself in a situation that could change at any time and requires your absolute faith in a man...more trust than is even needed for a spouse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/01/2019 19:09

Do you really understand how important the legal side is because I do not think you do. I wonder whether your partner is more aware, he perhaps is and may not ultimately want to share.

If he were to die suddenly you would find that the legal side of things will quickly come and bite you hard on your backside. You will really be up shit creek then. How well do you get along with his parents, you could become completely dependent on their goodwill. Your relationship is not stable as you think because he has all the power and control in it and he likely knows it too. Men can and do leave children behind if they start a new relationship.

Who wants a big do here, you or he mainly or equally both of you?. What is more important to both of you ultimately; this kitchen you write about repeatedly?. Its not even your house, you live there certainly but none of it is shared with you because it is in his name.

Find another registry office to get married at if the local one to you is not to your taste. What would he say to such a registry office wedding?.

blueskiesandforests · 05/01/2019 19:25

JKCR2017 a basic church wedding costs about £500 for the legal side and ceremony - additional costs (choir, organist, vergers, flowers) are optional.

AgentJohnson · 05/01/2019 19:46

In the nicest possible way OP, get your shit together! You have slept walked yourself into a vulnerable position and your GP’s have given you the perfect excuse to get married sooner, rather than some mythical time in the future. Stop talking about marriage and start planning it. It doesn’t have to be fancy it just needs to be done.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 05/01/2019 20:09

It all boils down to a legal contract not the party so as long as your both secure and financially safe do it when you both want

She's not safe and secure financially. That's pretty much the point.

Oysterbabe · 05/01/2019 20:17

Our parents each put money towards our wedding. Would yours? If you can get a couple of grand together you can have a perfectly nice wedding. I would really be making it a priority. If he gets hit by a bus tomorrow you are fucked.

thedevilinablackdress · 05/01/2019 20:27

Cannot belive a PP said this:
I think the first thing though is waiting on your man to propose. Drop a few hints here and there but generally do not push him
WTAF
He's not a skittish pony you're trying to put a saddle on! He's a fellow adult that you're in a partnership with!

LemonTT · 05/01/2019 20:40

OP, you don't own a kitchen. It belongs to your DP. You live in his home at his grace. If he decides it isn't working for him you will have to leave.

The new kitchen will be his.

madeyemoodysmum · 05/01/2019 20:43

I agree with bollocks. Protect yourself and get married!!!

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 05/01/2019 20:49

Have a 2+2 wedding so that you can't get thrown out of the house you are paying for.

Use the money you save on a wedding reception on a brilliant kitchen.

Win/win.

Cambionome · 05/01/2019 21:01

You are just ignoring what everyone is telling you about how vulnerable you are in this relationship...Sad

WhatsUpHun · 05/01/2019 21:04

I think the first thing though is waiting on your man to propose. Drop a few hints here and there but generally do not push him as he can change his mind afterwards. You have a child together and thats already a big commitment, either way he is in your life forever but if your truly meant to get married it will happen one day. You just have to be prayerful that it will happen before your grandparents leave this earth.

the 1950s called, said you're due back....? if you want to get married, have the conversation, you're an adult

If you both want to get married, then plan to go to the registry office, tell your GP you're having a quiet one due to cost and if they want to help out they will. However, if he doesnt want to get married, what will you do then??

Celebelly · 05/01/2019 21:04

If you aren't going to get married then please, please at least protect yourself financially. Living in a house that is in no way yours as an unmarried woman is just a recipe for disaster.

Seeingadistance · 05/01/2019 21:09

Also, I would love a wedding but I would also love a kitchen! 😂 to me a wedding wouldn’t change much other than the legal side of things which I know is important. As for my kitchen? I am pretty house proud and my kitchen annoys me every day 😂

Yep. If you don't get the "legal side of things" sorted out, then you could be annoyed every day because you don't get to see your kitchen any more. Your relationship with your kitchen could end because he chucks you out or because he dies.

You are in a very vulnerable situation currently and a simple registry office wedding would offer you legal protection which is much more important and valuable than a kitchen!

WhatsUpHun · 05/01/2019 21:16

yes, you could pay for a new kitchen that someone else gets to use if you dont protect yourself?