Boyfriend won't divorce

[Fedupofthisrubbish]

Hi, NC for this.

I am looking for some perspective.

I am with DP two years. We are both in our 40s. He was legally separated when we met with three DDs. I was never married and had no children. We have our own DD, she is four months. We moved quickly because of my age.

Before we moved in together we went on holiday and I asked him did he plan to get divorced. He said absolutely as soon as he could. There is a different wait time here, we don't live in the UK.

I have persevered and persevered with his children and to support his very fractured relationships with them - I disappear to give space when necessary, I stay around when they want, I listen to their woes, I try and mediate. I am not saying I am perfect or always do / say the right thing but my intentions have always put them and his relationship with them first. They are teenagers and not easy. The eldest (17) in particular I believe to be quite narcissistic and disturbed. Regardless of how difficult they may be, they are his children, I accepted them all as a package and I can honestly say I work relentlessly to try make it all ok. I know it is very hard for them.

The two eldest are not speaking to him. One has not spoken to him in over a year and the only times she has agreed to be in his company is if I'm there too. She has met up with me a couple of times alone. The last time she was being extremely nasty and I said to her "you are being very rude and hurting my feelings. Please wait in the other room and I will ask your father to drive you home when he gets back." She sat in the other room and cried when he drove her home. I told him I wasn't willing to put up with the nasty personal things she was saying to me. He was disappointed as he had been really excited about seeing her (I don't know if she had any intention of speaking to him, she didnt any of the other times.) I am very very fond of her.

The other girl (who I consider narcissistic) is constantly rage-filled and extremely abusive. They have only met privately since the baby was born. She wants it like this and openly declares she wants the baby dead.

Their mother is also very difficult.

We discussed marriage, he said he wasn't sure if he would ever want to be married again. I was upset as I hadn't realised he felt like that. Then he changed his story and said he wanted his divorce done first and it was the (church) wedding he didn't want. He is adamant he wants to be with me forever (words are easy though). I don't think any wedding would work as I am sure his eldest will not be able to cope and will ruin it one way or another.

So that's the background.

Six weeks ago he realised in court he could now apply for a divorce. I asked him to do it quickly as a gesture to me and our daughter. I don't love the fact he is still legally married to somebody else. He promised he would file straightaway. I said this is important to me even if it isn't to you. He promised me he would do it. Two weeks later I asked him if he remembered the promise he made me, he said yes and not to worry, to trust that it was happening. I mainly asked again because he can be very scatty.

Last night I said to him I hadn't heard him mention it and did this mean he had changed his mind. He lost his temper, said he hadn't done it, he wasn't planning to do it, he was sick of being in court, they needed to sort out their pensions first, he was just going to let her file when she wanted and incur the legal fees and by the way "I'm never getting married again to anyone". He yelled the last part. I was so hurt and taken aback I walked out of the room. Then I returned and tried to explain that I was let down he had made me a promise then not bothered to tell me that he had changed his mind. I said everything is on his schedule, he moved his daughters in without consulting me at the beginning. At that point he interrupted and yelled "well you have succeeded in driving two of them away so you're nearly there. You made DD2 cry the last time she was here."

I am so hurt. I feel so taken for granted and under appreciated. I have also lost respect for him as I think it is so cowardly and immature of him to pin the blame of his dysfunctional relationships on me. I have heard from other family members that things were just as bad if not worse before I came along.

We are supposed to be buying a house together and I feel wary about committing further.

Any advice most welcome (but please be kind).

I'd leave him to it, quite frankly. Have a nice life with your DD free from all his drama.

Don’t buy a house. Don’t commit further.

He has told you how he feels. Believe him.

Think about what he has said and then decide on the best actions for you and your daughter. Then follow through on them.

This sounds like a nightmare. He clearly has so much going on it doesn't sound like he has the emotional capacity to deal with another relationship let alone a marriage.
Tbh in all fairness it was the wrong decision to become so involved with a man in this position and to have a baby with a married man (if it was so important to you that he isn't married was madness). It sounds as though you panicked because of your age and just had a baby. Without really considering the consequences. This is not a situation I would want to marry into.
Fwiw his relationship with his children is his relations hip, it's not your place to facilitate or fix it.
If I was you I would cut my losses. End what sounds like a very unhealthy situation, let him deal with his kids/ex/divorce and think very carefully about creating a stable, happy and drama free environment to bring your dd up in.

I’m really sorry about your situation. It’s akin to be dumped into the middle of a war zone. The clearly messy separation between him and his ex, the dysfunctional relationship with his kids and a quick change in circumstances. Presumably you knew this when you first decided to get into a relationship? Least I hope you did.

From what you’ve written he doesn’t seem to have many, if any redeeming qualities. Does he? Seeing how he is with his ex and his kids doesn’t that worry you in terms of your own relationship? Not to mention your own child.

My worry for you is that his inability to be mature and responsible is an increasingly aggressive and hostile relationship, estrangement to your own child and you being unable to discuss things with him for fear of his reaction.

Frankly I don’t think I’d have gotten involved with him to start with. But it is, what it is. Perhaps after he’s chilled out maybe some couples therapy should be employed. Without trust and communication I don’t think you have a rosey future. If he won’t discuss or seek help you may have to consider moving on.

Do not commit to him further. Make a life for yourself and your DD without him in it day to day, its time now to part ways.

Hi op.
Sounds like emotions are running high at the moment.
If your child is only 4 months old you got your work cut out for you. (And probably sleep deprived)
I'd forget the divorce for now.
If he wants to be you thats the important thing.
After my divorce wast I'm any rush to marry again.
I had been separated 2 years when I met my now dh.
I did sort the divorce eventually.
I loved my partner and our child.
But he was 3 before I felt ready to get married again.

As for your step children.
Do you actually like them?
I have 2 step kids.
One very easy and loveable the other not so much.

But they sound quite vulnerable
Maybe be told stuff by their mum but feel guilty because they love their dad. Who knows.
I sure she did say some nasty things to you but (And I know it's hard) she s the child you'll the adult and if you can rise above it and try not to take her remarks personally you could help her and her father have a better relationship. And he'll love you more for it.

Fast forward 25 years - just celebrated 20' wedding anniversary.
All very happy and always get presents and happy 'step' mum cards.
It just take time

You should not buy a house with somebody who is still married. Buy one for you and your daughter. Make your own plans. If that means moving on from him them do it.

He needs to deal with the breakdown of his marriage and the impact on his family. That’s not your job and you will just make things worse by getting involved. Especially as you have a strong interest in the outcome. Even if you were the nicest person in the world and a senior UN peace negotiator you won’t help.

By the sounds of it he had and has a lot to sort out before he should have commited to a new relationship and family. By starting a new family he has made it all worse. Some people like to create an unreconcilable mess , it stops them having to take responsibility or action. He doesn’t want solutions, the limbo suits him.

He won’t marry again and if you leave expect to see a new woman in situ within months.

You know, people do what they want to do. And he doesn't want to divorce. Could be a host of reasons as to why. But the bottom line is the same. You are worth more than this bloke. Get yourself someone decent. Love means actually caring about the happiness and welfare of the beloved. He doesn't seem to care much for yours.

I do not agree with advice to step away from asking him to get divorced. If something happens to him you will likely get nothing/very little and his wife will get her share. Your daughter will get her share but you may be asked to prove she is his. Sorry this sounds harsh but it sounds an awful situation. Definitely do not buy property with him - you risk his wife getting his half if something happens. That said, I would discuss a will with him if he refuses divorce. Then I would leave. But I don't have patience for men who keep changing their minds. He sounds mean to me. I am so sorry.

Can i be honest, it totally baffles me why a woman gets involved with a man who has so much baggage! He has sooo much unfinished business and he should have concentrated on that first. He know there was a lot of bad feelings and yet he sets up home with another woman and has a baby with her. This was something you allowed to happen and now your in a real pickle!
His loyalties should have firmly been with his existing children, he should have sorted that out first rather than had another baby. Obviously this is hinsite as its all happened now. Personally i would cut and run the drama will be endless.

Thanks all for your replies. I really do appreciate them.

Sorry if this seems a drip feed.

I didn't mind that he was married as his divorce seemed to be in process - they had gone as far as they could.

It all seems so silly now how I rushed headlong into it all. He does have loads of great qualities. He is very kind and warm most of the time. He can be stubborn as a mule though.

We moved in together within three months for not especially romantic reasons. Both of our living situations were bad. It was stupid. So stupid.

However I had no idea we would have his children as much as we did. He had told me every second weekend. Then they wanted to be here all the time and he kept making arrangements and changing things without consulting me. I told him it was all going too fast for all of us.

So we got a bit of order on the living situation and things were ok. The girls were relaxing with me and really seemed to like me. In answer to a PP I care for his children's wellbeing and want them to be happy but if I am being entirely honest I do not like his eldest. I wish I did. I feel horrible admitting that. She is incredibly incredibly nasty.

We decided to try for a baby but due to me having previous serious medical problems I didn't think it would happen.

Then all the problems with the kids and the ex and even his own family (they don't really approve) became magnified.

Reading back I know I brought a lot if it on myself walking into a mess but in our daily and personal interactions things feel right, they feel loving and they feel straightforward.

Don't buy a new place with him. Is your current place yours that he moved into, or did you move in to somewhere new together?

We are renting together. Buying here is nearly impossible even for a professional couple like us with savings. We will just about manage it. I don't think I can buy on my own.

His kids will be adults soon, so they will be out of your hair. Always a gamble being involved with 'second hand' men.
They never seem to get over their previous life.
You'd and your DD will be better off on your own.

Teenagers are difficult. A lot of them.ho through terrible phases that make them selfish, self absorbed, unreasonable etc. Don't call them narcissist, they do get back to normal in time. Teenagers are hard enough to cope with when you're in a loving environment but in the middle of all that divorce and not your own flesh and blood, it'll be really really hard.

I don't blame him for not wanting to go through the hassle of a divorce because of all that he's going through and his girls being the age they are.

You can either sit down and calmly discuss things and go through each point and you both set a schedule etc or you can leave and make the whole exercise pointless. You have a child with him and you love him. I believe if you both work together and think rationally then things will be ok.

@musti I will follow your advice and see if he is open to sitting down and making a timeline. If he is not open to that however I am going to think strongly about leaving. For the record, I did not call them narcissistic, I called her narcissistic. I do not use the term lightly and I have my reasons. I did not want to derail my own thread by going into too much detail about her. And I am saying that as someone who knows inside out just how tough teenagers are and especially teenagers who have experienced trauma such as a family break down.

Rent on your own with your baby. This must be your focus. Leave your DP and his dysfunctional situation to him to sort out. If he loves you and your DC he will sort it.

He needs to divorce and I can’t work out why he’s holding back.
If you buy a house together then he divorces would the ex be entitled to any of it? I’m not sure what the laws are in the country your in. Also if he died would the ex or his kids get his share as she’s still next of kin. It’s really messy. Him holding off one divorcing stops the commitment beteeetge two of you. I think he needs to wake up! I would if I was in your shoes have to give an ultimatum as it’s just not right. Luckily your daughter is a baby but as she grows up how will he explain he’s still married to someone else. It’s really pathetic of him.
You haven’t done anything wrong. He’s been legally separated 2 years and was apparently going through the preceding a when you met so you had no reason to worry and so I don’t think the comments saying you shouldn’t have got involved with a married man are justified as the divorce was starting and you believed why he said so I don’t think you did anything silly or rushed. Xxx

Sorry for the dripfeed again. He was separated 2 years when we met. So now the mandatory 4 years has passed. They are still in and out of court. She keeps appealing and looking for more money. He doesn't really mind the money as its for his kids but is sick of being dragged into court.

She has suggested to his family members that he was still trying to get back with her and she was relieved when we announced the pregnancy as it meant he would leave her alone. I am completely and utterly sure this is lies. He has total transparency in his dealings with her and I have never seen any hint that he's interested in rekindling anything. Also the story she's spreading is that the pregnancy was 'accidental' (I engineered it). So I know for a fact this is lies as he wanted to try for the baby as much (if not more) than me.

I am aware this is petty of me but I hate how passive he is around this. He just rolls his eyes and says anyone stupid enough to believe that shouldn't be entertained. She sends photos over to the house 'in case he wants them'. I understand the ones of them when the kids were little but she sends photos of them together when they were dating before the kids. Again he just shows them to me, rolls his eyes and chucks them. Or she arrived at the door and hand delivers a letter addressed to "mr and mrs X" which was totally unnecessary as I had heard him on the phone to her saying the school had emailed him a copy already. He says she is just trying to annoy me and that's fine, he can't be held responsible.

I don't want him to cut her out, I am very happy for us all to be friendly but I don't understand why he won't move ahead and divorce her.

Sounds like he secretly enjoys all the attention his ex gives him. He has two women vying for his attention.

Not getting a divorce suits him. It suits her. It just you it doesn’t suit.

He has lied to you about wanting a divorce and wanting to get married. Why could he not have lied to both of you about wanting a baby or to get back together with his wife.

Textbook attachment to his first wife. It’s not over.

Move out with your baby, OP. If he's serious about you, he'll move heaven and earth to get you back. I get the impression, however, that he's perfectly happy with the situation and doesn't want to move on.

I think he's happy as it is. If be upset he blames you for the situation with his daughters, as you seem to be the one they like.

I feel he's stringing you along. He's in no rush to divorce. He's now said he isn't getting married again.

I'd leave and coparent. Don't buy a house with him. It's too messy.

Well I sat down and spoke to him. He apologised and said it was the heat of the moment. It's all going ahead and we have a timeline in place.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I really appreciste them.