Boyfriend won't divorce

[Fedupofthisrubbish]

Hi, NC for this.

I am looking for some perspective.

I am with DP two years. We are both in our 40s. He was legally separated when we met with three DDs. I was never married and had no children. We have our own DD, she is four months. We moved quickly because of my age.

Before we moved in together we went on holiday and I asked him did he plan to get divorced. He said absolutely as soon as he could. There is a different wait time here, we don't live in the UK.

I have persevered and persevered with his children and to support his very fractured relationships with them - I disappear to give space when necessary, I stay around when they want, I listen to their woes, I try and mediate. I am not saying I am perfect or always do / say the right thing but my intentions have always put them and his relationship with them first. They are teenagers and not easy. The eldest (17) in particular I believe to be quite narcissistic and disturbed. Regardless of how difficult they may be, they are his children, I accepted them all as a package and I can honestly say I work relentlessly to try make it all ok. I know it is very hard for them.

The two eldest are not speaking to him. One has not spoken to him in over a year and the only times she has agreed to be in his company is if I'm there too. She has met up with me a couple of times alone. The last time she was being extremely nasty and I said to her "you are being very rude and hurting my feelings. Please wait in the other room and I will ask your father to drive you home when he gets back." She sat in the other room and cried when he drove her home. I told him I wasn't willing to put up with the nasty personal things she was saying to me. He was disappointed as he had been really excited about seeing her (I don't know if she had any intention of speaking to him, she didnt any of the other times.) I am very very fond of her.

The other girl (who I consider narcissistic) is constantly rage-filled and extremely abusive. They have only met privately since the baby was born. She wants it like this and openly declares she wants the baby dead.

Their mother is also very difficult.

We discussed marriage, he said he wasn't sure if he would ever want to be married again. I was upset as I hadn't realised he felt like that. Then he changed his story and said he wanted his divorce done first and it was the (church) wedding he didn't want. He is adamant he wants to be with me forever (words are easy though). I don't think any wedding would work as I am sure his eldest will not be able to cope and will ruin it one way or another.

So that's the background.

Six weeks ago he realised in court he could now apply for a divorce. I asked him to do it quickly as a gesture to me and our daughter. I don't love the fact he is still legally married to somebody else. He promised he would file straightaway. I said this is important to me even if it isn't to you. He promised me he would do it. Two weeks later I asked him if he remembered the promise he made me, he said yes and not to worry, to trust that it was happening. I mainly asked again because he can be very scatty.

Last night I said to him I hadn't heard him mention it and did this mean he had changed his mind. He lost his temper, said he hadn't done it, he wasn't planning to do it, he was sick of being in court, they needed to sort out their pensions first, he was just going to let her file when she wanted and incur the legal fees and by the way "I'm never getting married again to anyone". He yelled the last part. I was so hurt and taken aback I walked out of the room. Then I returned and tried to explain that I was let down he had made me a promise then not bothered to tell me that he had changed his mind. I said everything is on his schedule, he moved his daughters in without consulting me at the beginning. At that point he interrupted and yelled "well you have succeeded in driving two of them away so you're nearly there. You made DD2 cry the last time she was here."

I am so hurt. I feel so taken for granted and under appreciated. I have also lost respect for him as I think it is so cowardly and immature of him to pin the blame of his dysfunctional relationships on me. I have heard from other family members that things were just as bad if not worse before I came along.

We are supposed to be buying a house together and I feel wary about committing further.

Any advice most welcome (but please be kind).

OP does it not worry you how messed up his older children are? They clearly don't see him in a good light and this cannot be solely down to their mother's influence.

Mangoo, that assumption was made from the OP mentioning her DPs 'fractured' relationship with his DC and because his wife has obviously not instigated a divorce to date.

Apologies if I misunderstood OP. OK to reword it why do you want to marry a man who obviously is not that keen to marry you? If he was, you wouldn't need to be arguing with him about it at this stage.

From my own experience, my father instigated the divorce between my parents. My mother didn't. I was very angry as a teen as I was confused and didn't understand what was happening to my family. To the outside world, he could have been accused of walking out on his wife.

Turns out my mother was absolutely awful to him, multiple affairs and completely broke him as a person.

Call it projection but we see far too often here men being accused of being in the wrong simply for separating from their spouse without any actual knowledge of the reasons behind the separation.

Yes I agree OPs partner should have concentrated on his existing children before setting up family with OP. But I won't state that he 'left his wife and kids' as I don't actually know what happened between them and I know from bitter experience it isn't always that simple.

If he is mentioning sorting out pensions I would think they have not sorted out the financial side of the divorce yet. Without that it may be difficult for him to get a mortgage, just a thought?

Here is a man who e pefienced a difficult marriage and three daughters for whom he probably wasn't a great dad to start with. There must have been some conflict to get to the divorce and so all he knows from relationships is how stressful there are and feeling he can never do things right.

Then he met you and for the first time in years, he experiences love, relaxation and happiness in a relationship. He is so grateful for this and would do anything to make you happy because in his eyes, at this point, you're perfect. He even stsrt dreaming what it will be like to be given a second change to be a good father and do things properly.

Then things change a bit. Baby is here, you're consumed with her so he gets less attention. He sees you not so tolerant towards his girls any longer and can feel that your strong negative feeling and critical appraisal of his eldest. He start getting worried that all might not be so perfect after all and doubts creep in.

He is fed up with the stress of the divorce, the unreasonable demands of the ex, feeling that whatever he does, suggest is ne er good enough. His ex puts him under pressure, his girls puts him under pressure and now his perfect new woman puts him under pressure. He is at the stage of thinking that whatever he does it will never be good enough for any of you and why should he get married when ultimately you are bound to turn like his ex and make more demands, putting under yet more pressure.

Everything happened much too quickly and this is the outcome. Sadly, stress and pressure bring the worse in people and make them say and do things they don't mean. He is confused and doesn't know what's best any longer. He is torn apart between giving you what you want for peace and quiet and protecting himself from yet more hurt. I think you need to give him space. You've been together only 2 years, you don't need to rush into marriage. More time to get to know each other better and settling in your joint new life with the girls should be the priority. What are you gaining from marrying him as soon as possible?

That's quite a piece of creative writing, swingofthings. Your interpretation may be on the money, it may be completely off the mark, you've really no idea of his motivations.

Of course @category, just a suggestion to consider, nothing else.

I'd be worried he's a crappy dad given not only how his kids feel about him and how nasty you say they are, but that within a year of meeting someone new he's moved in and had a baby...

Yep, I think we can close the thread down now because @swingofthings has nail it. Bye!

nailed even

Honestly OP you are just as culpable for this mess as him.

No, OP, you are not 'culpable' for this 'mess.' That's down to the parents. And the 17 year old (regardless of cause of bad behaviour) needs to learn its not acceptable.

I agree with PP. Don't buy a house with this person. It's clear he doesn't want to remarry and, judging by sound of his ex, I cannot blame him.