Boyfriend won't divorce

[Fedupofthisrubbish]

Hi, NC for this.

I am looking for some perspective.

I am with DP two years. We are both in our 40s. He was legally separated when we met with three DDs. I was never married and had no children. We have our own DD, she is four months. We moved quickly because of my age.

Before we moved in together we went on holiday and I asked him did he plan to get divorced. He said absolutely as soon as he could. There is a different wait time here, we don't live in the UK.

I have persevered and persevered with his children and to support his very fractured relationships with them - I disappear to give space when necessary, I stay around when they want, I listen to their woes, I try and mediate. I am not saying I am perfect or always do / say the right thing but my intentions have always put them and his relationship with them first. They are teenagers and not easy. The eldest (17) in particular I believe to be quite narcissistic and disturbed. Regardless of how difficult they may be, they are his children, I accepted them all as a package and I can honestly say I work relentlessly to try make it all ok. I know it is very hard for them.

The two eldest are not speaking to him. One has not spoken to him in over a year and the only times she has agreed to be in his company is if I'm there too. She has met up with me a couple of times alone. The last time she was being extremely nasty and I said to her "you are being very rude and hurting my feelings. Please wait in the other room and I will ask your father to drive you home when he gets back." She sat in the other room and cried when he drove her home. I told him I wasn't willing to put up with the nasty personal things she was saying to me. He was disappointed as he had been really excited about seeing her (I don't know if she had any intention of speaking to him, she didnt any of the other times.) I am very very fond of her.

The other girl (who I consider narcissistic) is constantly rage-filled and extremely abusive. They have only met privately since the baby was born. She wants it like this and openly declares she wants the baby dead.

Their mother is also very difficult.

We discussed marriage, he said he wasn't sure if he would ever want to be married again. I was upset as I hadn't realised he felt like that. Then he changed his story and said he wanted his divorce done first and it was the (church) wedding he didn't want. He is adamant he wants to be with me forever (words are easy though). I don't think any wedding would work as I am sure his eldest will not be able to cope and will ruin it one way or another.

So that's the background.

Six weeks ago he realised in court he could now apply for a divorce. I asked him to do it quickly as a gesture to me and our daughter. I don't love the fact he is still legally married to somebody else. He promised he would file straightaway. I said this is important to me even if it isn't to you. He promised me he would do it. Two weeks later I asked him if he remembered the promise he made me, he said yes and not to worry, to trust that it was happening. I mainly asked again because he can be very scatty.

Last night I said to him I hadn't heard him mention it and did this mean he had changed his mind. He lost his temper, said he hadn't done it, he wasn't planning to do it, he was sick of being in court, they needed to sort out their pensions first, he was just going to let her file when she wanted and incur the legal fees and by the way "I'm never getting married again to anyone". He yelled the last part. I was so hurt and taken aback I walked out of the room. Then I returned and tried to explain that I was let down he had made me a promise then not bothered to tell me that he had changed his mind. I said everything is on his schedule, he moved his daughters in without consulting me at the beginning. At that point he interrupted and yelled "well you have succeeded in driving two of them away so you're nearly there. You made DD2 cry the last time she was here."

I am so hurt. I feel so taken for granted and under appreciated. I have also lost respect for him as I think it is so cowardly and immature of him to pin the blame of his dysfunctional relationships on me. I have heard from other family members that things were just as bad if not worse before I came along.

We are supposed to be buying a house together and I feel wary about committing further.

Any advice most welcome (but please be kind).

I wouldn't move until he's done it. It may seem a formality to you but it will be a shift. There should be a period of adjustment then go ahead. Don't tie yourself to him, he is not free. Wait until he is free. If you want marriage wait until you are married..

He doesn't want a divorce because he doesn't want to get married again. And don't buy a house with him either, unless you do it as tenants in common, then at least your share is safe.

Poor you.

This really is a cautionary study in not casting your pearls before swine, giving your all to a man when he hasn't shown you thathat he'd do same for you.

"Working relentlessly" to keep relationship with him and his grown DCs going. All that...making yourself tired for a man who talked a good commitment but never actioned it?

But I see you're going ahead with the relationship and accepted his excuse for the way he told you what really is the truth of the matter as he sees it. He's married and can't marry you, and isn't fussed about changing the status quo

You had a child together that didn't move him to start divorce proceedings so what are you relying on now? Repeatedly asking him?

You'll be back on MN with this soon enough.
Whatever the case..good luck

Well he has reassured me after our talk so hopefully not.

Can I just MASSIVELY say that being 'narcissistic' is seen as a normal stage for children and a 17 year old is a child. Teens' brains mature by mid 20's. Please don't pathologise a child!!!!! She is not narcissistic... there is no way of knowing if she will be yet.

Do not buy a house until he is divorced and then make sure your share of the house is very well protected.

No we are not buying any property till next year. He is submitting paperwork this month. We are getting engaged after that but before the baby is a year old.

I appreciate this is all very difficult, but I personally don't like that you are labelling his children "narcissistic". The daughter gave you an opportunity to engage with her - even if it didn't make sense (that's what teenagers can be like) and you told her that she'd hurt YOUR feelings. She's a child and you are an adult.

I don't know what is really going on here, but you need to step back, stop pressuring about the divorce and maybe read some books on how to deal with teenagers and step-kids because I think you are clueless.

He doesn’t sound very trustworthy.

I labelled his other daughter narcissistic.

The daughter I told to stop being rude to me was listing everything she found ugly about my appearance then moving through my family members doing the same. I told her she knew she was being mean and hurtful and I didnt want to listen to anymore. She said she was just being honest.

I have read many books about teenagers as I work with them.

Oh that's okay then - you just labelled the other daughter 'narcissistic'. Is it the second one who just has 'narcissistic' tendencies? 'Labelling' anyone narcissistic is bullshit. Stop throwing 'labels' around - especially on young people. You should know better.

Why not try asking why she thought she was being hurtful? If you worked with young people you who would know they are often aggressive as a form of defence. Underneath that is often insecurity and hurt. If you are smart you address that and not the surface behaviour. This poor kid has seen her family fall apart, is completely confused, angry and all you care about is how she's hurting your feelings. Or was that rather convenient? Now you can legitimately push her away?

I'm not so sure you are the saint you make yourself out to be, the father sounds like he has caused powerful damage and I feel really sorry for these kids. I hope you are all sensible enough to get some family therapy.

Under no circumstances should you buy a house with him while he's still married until and unless you have excellent financial and legal advice, independent of him, that says it's safe for you to do so. Have you looked into whether the wife would have a claim on anything you bought together?

You would be an absolute fool to buy with him without safeguarding yourself and your dd thoroughly.

@rosabug why do you assume I didn't do any of those things before I asked her to go into the other room? I am not pushing her away now, not sure where you got that from. She was in the house as I was helping her with something and her dad was driving her home afterwards. We had spent a couple of hours which had been fine and then we had words. I am quite entitled to point out that she knows when she's being rude.

I never said I was a saint, or that I was doing everything right. I said I was trying my very best.

I have purposely not said anything about the other daughter as again, I do not want to derail the thread. All I will say is I do not throw labels around lightly. I'm not talking about somebody having a selfie addiction. Yes they have had her in therapy for years, the mother can't cope with her, hence why she ended up mainly living with us. I don't feel equipped to deal with that situation really so mainly stay out of it and encourage her dad to keep talking to her.

@rosabug

The eldest daughter is not a baby. She is old enough to know what is good and bad behaviour. Life isn’t always fair, but that doesn’t give a young adult the right to behave in a poor way. Telling her simply that she is rude, is perfectly acceptable. OP did not call her a narcissist to her face I believe,
If my fourteen year old behaved like that I’d be mortified. Teens should be taught to be independent, resilient and well mannered, to enable them to get ahead in life, otherwise they’ll constantly be looking at others as an excuse for their own bad behaviour or failings.

DBML the situation could look and feel wrong to her. Her parents are still married. I doubt her dad has been any good as the whole set up sounds confusing as hell.

I don't get why teens are supposed to be sunny natured and not lash out in some way when their parents are living a fuck up of a life right in front of their eyes. Teens arent blind, they see and hear it all.

New baby in the mix too.

All sounds overwhelming, who could be bothered with a that but it's her family so she has to suck it up, no choice. Not surprised she's rude at times.

Rudeness isn't right but I don't think she's the only rude one here.

Good luck OP. I think you’re going to need it.

She has suggested to his family members that he was still trying to get back with her and she was relieved when we announced the pregnancy as it meant he would leave her alone.

Hmmm, so why would she say this? What are her motives? 🤔

He's told you several times he doesn't want to get married.

Why would he?

Yet, you keep begging and cajoling him to do it. If he does give in, he'll just end up resenting you.

It's easy to make promises in the heat of the moment but then reality sets in.

@pissedonatrain well really he only told me once (he said before he didn't want a church wedding and we briefly discussed other options) which is why I was so stunned and started the thread. I think you're right though, what is the point of him marrying me just to keep me happy? But he's assured me it's not like that, he just finds it hard to think in his head about getting married when he's still sorting through documents about ending one.

When we talked he told me his reasons for not being keen on marriage, I told him why I am. Both of us had valid reasons. And he said if it was important to me then that was what we would do. I am going to have to give the whole thing lots more thought but glad we had it out and he's sorting the divorce as priority anyway. I am not sure myself if I want to get further embroiled until things settle down.

Yeah totally agree re the teenagers being rude is normal. I'd be worried if they were walking around smiling all the time. There's no reason they can't be told when they are purposely being rude and hurtful though.

@backintheroom I have no idea what her motives are. I stand by my previous statement that I have no concerns about his intentions toward her. He never leaves the room to speak to her, he always lets me read messages, if they are long and formal he always asks for my help to pen the response. He has always said she is extremely controlling, my own dealings with her have echoed this. Maybe that is why. I don't really know. She doesn't want him back afaik.

Good he reassured you and feel this is moving forward. Exactly the same conversation as six weeks ago
This has car crash written all over it, good luck with that.

So a year into a relationship with a married man, father to 3 teenagers, one with MH issues extreme enough to warrant her being in therapy 'for years' who's mother can't cope with her, you both decide its a good idea to have a baby together? No wonder his DD's don't want to speak to him.

Honestly OP you are just as culpable for this mess as him .

Does your DP know about your feelings for his DD (the oldest)?

The horse has bolted now so all you can do is hope he does get his act together divorce so he can marry you. Why does marrying a man who has previously left his wife and children mean so much to you?

Please don't demonise his children for reacting to a situation they had no control over.

Rude is one thing...she was outright nasty by saying what she did about you and your family members.

Infact I couldn't engage with someone like that. Is this the 17 year old? One year from officially being an adult.

My 5 year old niece knows you don't speak like that.

I'd tell her she would benefit from therapy to find out why she feels the need to be so nasty... because its not normal behaviour.

@madmum101 when did I say he left his wife and children? As for being just as culpable, that's fine. I'm not really interested in being right, I'm interested in getting things back on track with all family members.

Ruddy, I never said it was the same conversation. I said he had reassured me which means we discussed both of our concerns and have a plan with a timeline which has started now.

Heaven forbid in a tricky situation I sit down and discuss it with my partner or tell him honestly that I want to get married someday.

Much better I throw a strop that he didn't meet my demands immediately, pack my bags, move my daughter and I into some cramped flat miles from work and see if he responds by rushing over with a diamond.

And in years to come I can explain to dd that her father was a lovely man who wanted her but because everything wasn't exactly perfect when she was born I ran without even trying to work it out.

Anyway we are on our way out for lunch which will be the first time we are all together since the baby came. Hopefully it is the first step in a little bit of progress.

Why does marrying a man who has previously left his wife and children mean so much to you?

Typical MN assumption. Not every divorced man has upped and left his wife and children.

I'm not saying I agree with the OPs situation but can we stop making assumptions whenever we hear that a man is separated from the mother of his children. She could have been abusive, had an affair or just been a not very nice spouse for all we know. And yes, there are women out there who cause break ups! Not just men.

God, who'd want to bother with all that crap? Op, it doesn't sound like a great situation. It doesn't sound like he actually loves you, or is that into you. I wouldn't trust someone who lies and lies, goes back on "promises". No thanks.