Married, stupid crush driving me mad!

[Newnametemp]

Hi,
DH and I have a wonderful relationship, have been together nearly 12 years, married for 1.5 years and have a beautiful 1 yo DD.
He is a wonderful husband and my best friend so I feel so guilty even writing this.
But I can’t stop thinking about this OM, and it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me or our relationship!
OM has been working at our house, alongside DH as we’ve been renovating. They have worked together a lot and are friends I believe but I only met him about a month ago. It started off fine, fun and banter with the 3 of us, them 2 ganging up on me winding me up, fine. But DH then had a lot of work on in the build up to Christmas and was out most evenings til late, and OM was just always there, and he just remembers every little thing I say and is so unbelievably attentive! He will fall over himself to help me in with bags and DD, he always seems to just be in the same space as me and at first it was kind of flirty but harmless, but one evening he came to look at something over my shoulder and the atmosphere was so tense I actually just walked out and it felt like a line was crossed. We have never even made physical contact but it was so awkward as we were both silent for about 30 seconds!

I drove around the block to avoid him that evening until DH got home but when I got in guess what - he was still bloody there! DH was in our loft and he was waiting outside and I felt like he wanted to say something but I just carried sleeping DD past him and text DH to come down and as soon as he did OM abruptly said he was going home without even looking at me.
Over the Christmas break I’ve thankfully avoided all contact (don’t have his number or even his last name!) but we have a lot more work in the coming months that he will be returning to do, I don’t know what to do because nothing has happened so it is pointless me telling DH as they work together and it could be in my head - but I know it isn’t iyswim, there have been many incidents not listed that have made it clear. He is married with kids too so it is wrong on all parts and I just want to avoid him as much as I can! Why do I feel like this! Am I the worst wife ever!! I wish we’d never met. It makes me feel sick with guilt when I think of my DH. But I’ve found having sex harder since because I just think about OM! And he isn’t even as physically attractive as DH.

Any tips on what to do? I can’t tell DH becahse they work together.

I have trouble with limerance. This worked for me twice. Dan Jones hypnosis love removal process on u tube.

Thank you @aday, do you think that’s what this is?? I’ve never been sure of the difference between limerance and just a regular crush/sexual tension with someone.

He's meant to be your DH's friend but he is so unbelievably attentive! He will fall over himself to help me in with bags and DD, he always seems to just be in the same space as me, so he's actually not a very nice person, is he? He knows your his mate's wife ffs.

Leave him, he deserves better, the fact you are even considering

He's a twat after the thrill of shagging his 'friends' wife. I don't think you will be the first he's done this attentive act thing to and you won't be the last. Some men and women live this shit. Seriously, get back to real life, your husband and your child. You've known him 5 minutes and you're risking everything for a man who can't possibly know you very well and isn't loyal to his friend. He's a shit. Keep away. I despair at seemingly otherwise sensible women falling for this shit. Sorry to be harsh but you need to hear it so you don't fuck up your life as well as your child's and husbands life too.

Love not live

Oh don’t worry about it . It’s juat a stupid moment that has passed . Guys who are paying too much attention to you are flirting with you . He started it and he’s being very charming . Your other half wasn’t there to carry your bags and even if he did you wouldnt be charmed because he’s done it a million times before .

This guy is flirting and looking for fun . You got a man who is renovating his house for you .. what would you rather have . You even admit this guy isn’t cuter than your husband ..

You haven’t done anything wrong .. it is human to look at others or be tempted to do something BUT you haven’t .

About the sex .. abstain for a few weeks ... then take your hubby out on a date .. get dressed up etc , sometimes a couple just need a few minutes to remind themselves about what makes them the ‘ ones’ for each other ..

You love your husband that’s why you are here and that’s lovely ..

Abstain from sex for a few weeks? Not sure that her DH is going to appreciate that one!

Yeah sounds like he was looking for a bit of extra marital fun. You were naturally flattered by all the attention and sexual tension.

Thank you for every reply, even the more harsh ones are a much needed bucket of cold reality!
I absolutely do not want to leave my husband, he is my world which is why this shook me up so much because I’ve never even thought of someone else like that in 12 years! I guess we have probably just neglected one another a little bit since DD was born, although tbh our sex life has been great since! It’s just been the last few weeks where I’ve felt guilty it’s been hard to get in the mood...He has no problem abstaining generally (whilst pregnant we only had sex a couple of times because of previous MC) and has a much lower sex drive than me, but he has been initiating a lot more the last week or so, so I guess he can feel I’ve been a bit off. We are very in tune with one another so I am guessing he knows something isn’t right with me. I would hate him to know how I’m feeling because I know how much it would hurt him.
Thank you @tweety1981 your reply made me feel a lot better!

leave him, he deserves better, the fact you are even considering

What a load of bollocks ! Everyone has these little moments - as long as you don't act then all is good.

We’re all animals, you probably just like his pheromones...

Just tighten up your boundaries. Make rules for yourself and stick to them. Don’t be alone with him, don’t message him for any ‘innocent’ reason etc.

Something must be missing in your marriage. Try to think about your DH the way you think about this man.

Redirect your focus.

Your OP talked of how unadulteratedly wonderful and perfect everything is. Cynic that I am, I anticipated an update implying that there have in fact been a few issues - and there it was. None of it is insurmountable though! Talk to your husband (don't mention the crush) and solve these issues before they escalate.

My reply was harsh but I've seen the mess people like this leave behind once they've had their excitement of sneaking around and then lose interest. It sounds like your husband is a good man and your relationship is still good after 12 years, don't throw it away for what would be nothing in comparison to a solid family life.

As long as your confident you won't act on it - don't worry, I'm sure you'll get over it soon enough. He's got a wife, he's your husbands friend therefore he sounds like a bit of an arse hole really - not attractive!

Suddenly he's the A**hole and a twat. How women blame the man every time is unbelievable.

I’ve been with my husband for 19 years, as partners then as spouses.

I have had three stupid crushes on other men over those years. They usually happened when DH was being a colossal arse, during periods of his depression. Most recently was my crush on a (married) guy who was kind to me as I battled my own MH problems. I put that one down to my mid-life crisis that I feeI am having. My husband has tried to be supportive during my depression and anxiety, but he has his own problems. I have a very over active imagination and tend to overthink things. I also have no close friends so no outlet on that score. So all that leads to crushes. I NEVER act on them. I am loyal to my husband. Even through the “fog” I have perspective on these crushes. And they go away, eventually, and I think to myself, I’m so STUPID! That’s all they are, stupid crushes that will go absolutely nowhere.

It’s fine.... no one’s done anything and no line’s been crossed. Apparently some people are perfect and can go through life immune to the charms of even the most attractive people. Just avoid him as much as possible and try not to put yourself in a position where you’re alone with him.

Are you sure this sexual tension between you isn't just a figment of your imagination? A lot of guys are flirty, and good-mannered - helping you in with your bags etc. You might just be over-analysing perfectly ordinary behaviour.

If he is flirting with you and trying to make a play for you, then he is out of order and you should tell DH he makes you uncomfortable. I'm sure there are are people around that can do the work on your house if necessary.

@WaterlooElephant

Pretty much the same here. Very long standing DH and 3 crushes I can remember.

I never acted on them and they all passed after about 3 months of me overthinking and imagining all sorts.

OP has done nothing wrong whatsoever.

It's natural and will pass. You just need to recognise it for what it is, a crush and no more than that.

You haven't acted on this so don't feel too guilty.
Carry on as you are, avoid him as much as you can and try and put him out of your mind. You have a good thing with your DH.

• he is trying to get close to you. His poor wife. But just think, If you were actually in a relationship with him his eyes would be wondering, looking to cheat. And who knows where else he's been.

Well he's not that attractive if he's flirting with his friend's wife (if he is) When I was a bit younger I used to think people doing things like this were being flirty but I just had low self esteem and an over active imagination. Not saying you have but doesn't sound that flirty helping with bags etc.

Anyone who flirts with a mates wife is not a nice person.

Stay out his way.

is the om married?