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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married, stupid crush driving me mad!

55 replies

Newnametemp · 04/01/2019 02:34

Hi,
DH and I have a wonderful relationship, have been together nearly 12 years, married for 1.5 years and have a beautiful 1 yo DD.
He is a wonderful husband and my best friend so I feel so guilty even writing this.
But I can’t stop thinking about this OM, and it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me or our relationship!
OM has been working at our house, alongside DH as we’ve been renovating. They have worked together a lot and are friends I believe but I only met him about a month ago. It started off fine, fun and banter with the 3 of us, them 2 ganging up on me winding me up, fine. But DH then had a lot of work on in the build up to Christmas and was out most evenings til late, and OM was just always there, and he just remembers every little thing I say and is so unbelievably attentive! He will fall over himself to help me in with bags and DD, he always seems to just be in the same space as me and at first it was kind of flirty but harmless, but one evening he came to look at something over my shoulder and the atmosphere was so tense I actually just walked out and it felt like a line was crossed. We have never even made physical contact but it was so awkward as we were both silent for about 30 seconds!

I drove around the block to avoid him that evening until DH got home but when I got in guess what - he was still bloody there! DH was in our loft and he was waiting outside and I felt like he wanted to say something but I just carried sleeping DD past him and text DH to come down and as soon as he did OM abruptly said he was going home without even looking at me.
Over the Christmas break I’ve thankfully avoided all contact (don’t have his number or even his last name!) but we have a lot more work in the coming months that he will be returning to do, I don’t know what to do because nothing has happened so it is pointless me telling DH as they work together and it could be in my head - but I know it isn’t iyswim, there have been many incidents not listed that have made it clear. He is married with kids too so it is wrong on all parts and I just want to avoid him as much as I can! Why do I feel like this! Am I the worst wife ever!! I wish we’d never met. It makes me feel sick with guilt when I think of my DH. But I’ve found having sex harder since because I just think about OM! And he isn’t even as physically attractive as DH.

Any tips on what to do? I can’t tell DH becahse they work together.

OP posts:
Tweety1981 · 04/01/2019 14:22

You are welcome x

moredoll · 04/01/2019 14:50

@SandyY2K

Suddenly he's the Ahole and a twat. How women blame the man every time is unbelievable.

It's the OM who has initiated and is continuing to flirt with his mate's wife. That's why he's being blamed. Because he's blameworthy. Is that how you behave with your friends' wives?

Hopoindown31 · 04/01/2019 15:26

@moredoll

But the inference is that this somehow makes it less bad the OP is having a significant response to it rather than brushing it off, because he's this horrible monster that is making her feel attracted to him...Hmm

moredoll · 04/01/2019 15:31

He will be aware of her response and is continuing instead of avoiding her. He's a twat, not a friend or a gentleman.
The clue is in the word 'response'.

earlyr1ser · 04/01/2019 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Orange6904 · 04/01/2019 16:25

Well starting to share relationship worries is overstepping a boundary really, that might be why he backed off earlyr1iser.

earlyr1ser · 04/01/2019 16:25

Oops sorry - meant to post that as a new thread. Many apologies to the OP, I hope your situation works itself out, it sounds very hard to deal with.

earlyr1ser · 04/01/2019 16:26

I guess, but sending me jewellery in the post? Seemed a fairly clear signal to me.

thecatsarecrazy · 04/01/2019 16:37

Its normal to have crushes op. I've been married 12 years and had a few. Its when we act on them. I made a mess of things last year. Had a stupid crush on a man who showed me a bit of attention. Its all rather sad now looking back. Focus on your dh and his strong points

pyjamama · 04/01/2019 16:41

I'm going through this now too (late 40's , married 20 years)... i''m not sleeping, drinking too much, one minute elated, next minute feel utterly dreadful ...no words of advice unfortunately but just wanted to say you're not alone

Hopoindown31 · 04/01/2019 17:16

@moredoll

You are still implying that the OP has no agency here. She doesn't have to openly respond at all. What he does should be irrelevant. She is giving him signals, that is poor behaviour.

BackInTheRoom · 04/01/2019 17:22

Male ego, friend possibly trying to be Alpha male and you can subconsciously feel it? Whatever it is, it's just your brain chemicals messing with you. Google 'Affair Chemicals' and you'll see. Basically, it's just a bit of an addiction 🙄

Original poster
Newnametemp · 04/01/2019 17:55

Thanks everyone for your further replies, I’ve just been catching up!

I am a naturally friendly/chatty/open person which yes I guess could be seen as flirty, but as DH was there when I met this guy I felt like it was that safe kind of banter. We had other workmen here who I treated the same but this man did follow me around and then he was offering to do Saturdays, Sundays, even his birthday (on a Sunday!) and here until gone midnight some nights. I did snap at DH when he told me OM was coming again one Saturday when DH was going to be at work, knowing we’d be at the house together alone again (I was painting) I just said why is he coming again?! DH wasn’t sure just kind of shrugged. He’s not got a jealous bone in his body so wouldn’t see anything amiss. Even our neighbours/friends etc commented saying “he’s here a lot!” I did read messages between DH and OM once (I know it’s wrong) and DH had told him to have a day off stay home with his family, yet he still came when DH wasn’t there.

I know it could be me imagining things but I just get very strong vibes, always catch him staring, whenever DH is out the room or earshot he is right behind me making comments about what I’m doing or telling me personal things about himself (relationship with his mother etc!) I do wonder if maybe I have misinterpreted things but I have had people hit on me before so I know how it feels.

Seeing all this written down and everyone’s responses I can see I really do need to throw myself in to my marriage. DH has been working so much for us to have a better life as a family and I’ve just been stupid and vain letting someone flatter me!

I am going to avoid avoid avoid because you are all absolutely right, he must be a scumbag to pursue a friend’s wife like he is.

Thanks all x

OP posts:
Original poster
Newnametemp · 04/01/2019 17:56

@pyjamama I hope you are ok, it is horrible feeling like this! X

OP posts:
Original poster
Newnametemp · 04/01/2019 18:06

To clarify I read the messages between DH and OM to try and preempt when he was going to be round again so I could try and avoid him!

OP posts:
Perfectly1mperfect · 04/01/2019 21:47

Apparently some people are perfect and can go through life immune to the charms of even the most attractive people

No, I could just never find a bloke charming and attractive who was willing to risk his friendship to shag his friends wife. How on earth could that charm someone ?Confused He's just sleazy.

earlyr1ser · 05/01/2019 11:32

Yes, me too. It has been utterly bizarre, almost like going mad. I’m needing a hell of a lot of strength to keep going at the moment...you are not alone.

Original poster
Newnametemp · 05/01/2019 11:41

@earlyr1ser ah sorry you are going through this. Are you able to avoid the OM?? I feel better every day I don’t see him! Just need to sneakily find out when he’s due back so I can vacate if possible!

OP posts:
earlyr1ser · 05/01/2019 11:44

Feeling better every day I don’t see him - yes, a million times yes to this. Avoidance is the only way. Which is hard, and sad. But like you I have far too much to lose.

21jlb · 05/01/2019 11:46

It doesn’t mean that you want anything to happen. It’s just enjoying that you feel that he maybe fancies you, you’re confidence has been boosted. There’s no harm in how you’re feeling as long as there is no flirting back.
He may just be a friendly guy with a laddish personality. Does he act different towards you when your husband is there?

deadliftgirl · 05/01/2019 11:47

Hi OP.

I have read your original post and I see you have a lot of replies (most of which I did not read). I am going too give you some very tough advice based on a situation a friend got into last year.

My friend was married and then met this OM who was friends with her husband. She spent months and months just wanting this guy until the feelings turned into texting and that turned into sex and then a full blown on affair. The guy ended up telling her husband about it all and then her husband left her.

So you see this kind of situation does not have a good out come. I would make it clear to your husband that you do not feel comfortable with that man around your house. You need to get him gone like ASAP. You do not need to go into details. You see its fine to fancy other people at times, thats normal but when its gets out of hand is when you act on it. Be honest with your husband, tell him that this man is making you feel uncomfortable that you love him but that you feel he may like you and you do not want to be tempted. I am sure from just being discreet and giving your husband a bit of information, he can arrange someone else to do the rest of the work on your house and hopefully with this man gone, you can get back to normal.

If you keep this man around then I worry things will get worse and you will end up in a similar situation to my friend.

TotesEmoshTerri · 05/01/2019 12:35

Apparently carrying someone's bags and being attentive in a conversation is "flirting" in 2018. Either that or MN is full of weirdos as per Grin

Look, you need to just ride this out until you no longer fancy him. Look for his negative points and imagine him having really smelly armpits and a small willy or whatever it takes to think he's a bit eugh.

Maelstrop · 05/01/2019 17:08

Ask your DH to let you know when he's there. I'd also mention how he tells you personal stuff and that you find his close attention uncomfortable. Put some barriers up, woman and take responsibility for yourself too!

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 06/01/2019 04:14

I do think he’s been inappropriate, however it’s not his fault that you are attracted to him and are having these feelings. I accept you are trying to distance yourself but maybe there are marital issues to be addressed first?

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 06/01/2019 20:59

People say that op is imaging the tension but I think they are wrong when you know you know. She did not act on it or wants too so I would say op.-
to maybe suggest to your dh that you should get someone else to do the work. As it's not very professional getting someone you known incase they do a rubbish job. It then gets awkward (speaking from experience) .

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