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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I cancel my wedding

57 replies

Hayley78 · 03/01/2019 22:53

I have cold feet about marrying my fiance we are due to be wed in 6 months and I feel like I am letting my family down if I cancel they have spent so much money and I will be so embarrassed I have no one to turn to I am in turmoil. He has changed so much since I met him four years ago his mood swings are vial and it's like treading on egg shells constantly. We never ever go out together as a couple and he has also taken credit cards and phones out in my name and hasn't paid them for months although he works and earns good money. If i leave him I am not going to be able to pay them aswell as the house bills. I can be moody I no there is always two sides and he takes us on holiday every year and buys my daughter stuff and he pays the gas etc but I feel like he is taking the mick I am I rite in thinking it is going to get worse I am heartbroken I love him so much and I have made such an effort with him and his family and friends over the xmas and new year but I have been down a dark road before and scared of history repeating itself any advice is much appreciated
Also I am new to this so apologise if I have done it wrong

OP posts:
Superpooper · 03/01/2019 22:57

Please do not financially or emotionally link yourself to this man anymore than you already have.

Someone will be along with good advice soon but please read your post as if it was someone else asking for advice. Would you tell someone to marry someone with vile moods to save face over money?

Does anyone in real life know what he’s like? If not have you got a friend you can talk to?

Iamtheonlyupsyone · 03/01/2019 23:00

He doesn't sound like someone you should get married to and spend the rest of your life with sorry OP you're right to have doubts. I would cancel and break up with him in your shoes. I know it's easy for me to say. Getting married would be trapping yourself with him further.

Petitprince · 03/01/2019 23:03

Would you be in a better financial position if you were to marry?

ChodeofChodeHall · 03/01/2019 23:06

I am sure your family will understand the inconvenience if he's not right for you.

Lozzerbmc · 03/01/2019 23:08

You are right to have doubts. Taking credit in your name? Thats a major breach of trust! I knew soneone at work whom that happened to - he took lots of cards in her name and left her and the debt behind. Your family will only care about you and your happiness. Good luck

Weenurse · 03/01/2019 23:10

Run for the hills.
Cancel phones and credit cards in your name and talk to the companies as fraud involved.
Your family will be glad you are rid of him.
Think about what the rest of your life will be like with him.

Original poster
Hayley78 · 03/01/2019 23:10

Thankyou everyone just think I needed to hear it, even as I wrote the message I was reading it knowing the truth. Worst part was when he woke on xmas morning and grunted suppose we should get up then stormed out the room slamming the door no merry Christmas or anything I am soft but that hurt!!! I Dnt feel like I can talk to my friends about this at the minute they have their own life's going on and petitprince in answer to your question I doubt it

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 03/01/2019 23:12

He has committed fraud and is financially abusive. Get away.

Babdoc · 03/01/2019 23:13

OP, I sincerely hope your family love you very much more than they love the money they spent on the wedding arrangements.
They would surely be horrified to think you were planning to trap yourself in a marriage with a vile man just to save them inconvenience, embarrassment or cash.
Please tell them right now. Stop the wedding and get some professional financial advice. You really shouldn’t be committing yourself to something you know will be a disaster. Be strong, get organised, and think of the much happier life you will have without this man. Good luck.

Yulebealrite · 03/01/2019 23:14

Please, please don't go through with this charade.

Original poster
Hayley78 · 03/01/2019 23:16

I've never heard of financial abuse before but it now makes sense as if I ask him for money to pay the bills he has took out he hits the roof

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 03/01/2019 23:18

Sit down with the DPS and explain to them all that's been going on and that you can't go ahead with it. If you do, this will only get worse and you'll need a divorce very quickly afterwards. Much more difficult and expensive!

SLEm · 03/01/2019 23:21

I know 3 woman who have been in this situation over the past 5 years, all three of them said nothing, married their husbands, and got divorced in under a year, spending more money on a divorce and letting family down more than they ever would have if they had cancelled the wedding. They have all moved on and found someone else and are so much happier.

FoldyRoll · 03/01/2019 23:28

Do not marry this man, OP. Listen to your gut. I'd rather spend the rest of my life in debt than see one of my DDs in your situation. You must feel the same about your DD. You are more important than £££.

I don't know if it's fair or wise to give him an ultimatum to pay off the debt he's racked up in your name or you'll report him for fraud, but you need to let the credit card companies know you did not open those accounts ASAP.

leonasa · 04/01/2019 00:08

I was you just over a year ago (aside from the credit cards, but there was other financial abuse going on and I'd ended up very in debt because of it). I agonised for months beforehand for all the same reasons and in the end he hit me two days before the wedding. I still went through with it because I didn't feel I could let everyone down at that stage and it was too big a decision. We split up two months later and I am so much happier and better for it, but by god I wish I had done it earlier now, I'd lost a lot then but I lost so much more (financially and emotionally) by going through with it.

Tell your parents everything, tell your friends, I know it feels like they will judge you but I promise they won't, they will support you to get out of it. I never told anyone the half of it because I felt ashamed/was holding on to the idea it could still work, and honestly now I have they just all wish they'd known earlier.

Lots of love and luck to you.

potatoscone · 04/01/2019 00:10

He has changed so much since I met him four years ago his mood swings are vial and it's like treading on egg shells constantly.

Don't marry a man that makes you feel this way.

subspace · 04/01/2019 00:16

Your family would rather loose some money than tie you to an abusive knobber.

PolkaDoting · 04/01/2019 00:21

Definitely cancel.

Bosabosa · 04/01/2019 00:24

Run. X

Donkdonkgoo · 04/01/2019 00:25

OP please make a list of everything, examples of his behavior, things he's said all the finances he's tied you into then tell your family, tell them your not happy anymore. Also think about your child, do you want your child in this type of relationship?

Donkdonkgoo · 04/01/2019 00:26

Any loving parent would totally support you with leaving this nasty man

storynanny · 04/01/2019 00:29

Please cancel it. If I had been brave enough in 1982 I wouldnt have suffered emotional and financial abuse. Or self esteem issues which still affect my much happier life today.
After my hateful marriage and horrid divorce my mum and dad told me they wish I had told them I was unsure.

HelenUrth · 04/01/2019 00:34

Tell the people close to you what's happening, they might find it hard to believe at first but that's no reason to keep it a secret. His behaviour is not your responsibility and you should not accept being treated like this.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, I think you can find a pdf online.

This man will only get worse. Don't be around to see it.

Dirtybadger · 04/01/2019 00:35

Cancelling the wedding will be cheaper and less messy than a divorce.

So
..end things now
..Get married and then get divorced inevitably
..Get married and live miserably for 50+ years?

Weenurse · 04/01/2019 04:11

Good luck 💐

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