Should I cancel my wedding

[Hayley78]

I have cold feet about marrying my fiance we are due to be wed in 6 months and I feel like I am letting my family down if I cancel they have spent so much money and I will be so embarrassed I have no one to turn to I am in turmoil. He has changed so much since I met him four years ago his mood swings are vial and it's like treading on egg shells constantly. We never ever go out together as a couple and he has also taken credit cards and phones out in my name and hasn't paid them for months although he works and earns good money. If i leave him I am not going to be able to pay them aswell as the house bills. I can be moody I no there is always two sides and he takes us on holiday every year and buys my daughter stuff and he pays the gas etc but I feel like he is taking the mick I am I rite in thinking it is going to get worse I am heartbroken I love him so much and I have made such an effort with him and his family and friends over the xmas and new year but I have been down a dark road before and scared of history repeating itself any advice is much appreciated
Also I am new to this so apologise if I have done it wrong

Run for the hills, my love. You do not need to be with anyone who does not make you happy. Your family will probably be delighted. I know if my daughter ditched someone who was treating her badly, even if it was at the altar, I’d be over the moon.

Everyone deserves love in a relationship. Don't ever settle for less.

Good luck x

I’m sure your parents would rather save the money than see you married to an abusive man. Take a good look at your dd. What would you advise her to do? This is how your parents will feel about you. They may even suggest helping paying back the debts themselves.

Should he take any more lines of credit from now on, I urge you to report him. If you can prove any of the existing loans and phones I’d also consider reporting him for these as well. Please don’t feel intimidated from doing so. The police are used to this and far worse.

I’d also look at ways of preventing him from committing further fraud in your name. He is your partner not husband yet and legally you are not liable for his financial situaton unless you fail to report them.

Imagine how much worse if would get if you were married. You’d effectively be writing him a blank cheque.

100% agreement on mn!

Don't. Marry. This. Man.

Like everyone says, your family will understand.

Run now before he ruins any more of your life.

Good luck.

Well done - you know this is wrong and you are going to sort it. It is so hard to decide to do that but it sounds as though you know that you cannot go through with it.

Tell your family but do not let them speak to your P. Don’t discuss the cards/phones with him. Go to Citizens Advice Bureau (with a family member) and take all the information about debt run up in your name. Ask them to help you deal with the fraud.

My friend left her fiancé four weeks before the wedding and lost a fair amount in deposits etc but it still worked out cheaper than divorce! Her family totally agreed that she'd done the right thing and that it was actually pretty brave. She got lots of support and nobody made her feel guilty about it.
I'd cancel ASAP though, before all your guests spend money on hotels and outfits etc.

Agree citizens advice bureau

DIvorce is very, very, very expensive and stressful and embarrassing. All your guests spend time and money on that wedding too...

The sooner you warn your parents, the less they'll go on to spend and the more likely they are to be able to recover some of the costs. If they do worry about that more than about your happiness then you have more problems than an abusive fiancé.

I agree, it'll be hard to find the courage to speak to family but if they're investing in your wedding they clearly care about you so tell them the truth and they will support you I'm sure. They'd be horrified to think you carried on and married because of their investment. And at this stage they may be able to recoup some money.

The charity "Christians against poverty" helped a friend with simikar debt run up by someone else. A really lovely group I'd recommend talking to. You don't have to be religious, or if you're religious you don't have to be a Christian, to use them. They're just good people.

Divorces are far more expensive long difficult and generally shit. Don't do it.

Please make today the day you sort out all the financial stuff. Call every company that he has defrauded and stop this now. Don't stick your head in the sand.

Please do not marry this man. Think about how he has made you feel and then think about feeling like this every day of your life until on of you dies. Then remember things might get worse, they often do with men like this, especially after marriage.

I married a man that I should not have.. He wasn't abusive but I knew before we married that it was not right, but felt pressure due to wedding, money as pent... We divorced a year later. It was sad and expensive and I regret that.
I then married someone who was financially and emotionally abusive... That was the most pain I have ever endured.
If you marry this man, you will have both of these outcomes, because he us not someone who has your best interests at heart, only his own.
Please let your family know the truth of your relationship and stand firm with what is in your head. You and your daughter will have a better life for it. Financial messes can be cleared in time, but not if you have someone leeching off you. As someone said, there are charities and supports for financial problems and you can negotiate small payment plans. If you stay, your financial situation, it sounds, will only go in a worse direction.

OP if I was your mum I would not want you to stay with this man a minute longer, and I'd be devastated to think you were staying with him, and keeping your unhappiness secret, so as "not to let me down". Please tell the people in real life who care about you, what is going on.

If you were my daughter I’d be thrilled that you’d called it off rather than marry this man- the money on deposits etc doesn’t matter

You know he's not going to change
This is him -he’s showing you who he is

If you were my friend I’d be furious that he’d done this to you - if fact you should be angry
How dare he do that to you !
Can you contact the CAB or Christians against poverty And/Or the police Fraud is a crime and he should be punished

I’m angry on your behalf!!

How old is your DD? What is her experience of your DP? If it is anything less than enriching move on for her. Even if your think it is neutral - her Mum is a shell of herself - as she is consumed and preoccupied and emotionally drained by this man - so there is less for her. Put your DD’s childhood as your priority if you can’t place yourself there right now. Happy, stable Mum = happy, stable child.....

Your are living your life and making decisions due to FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to others - an abuisve man and your DPs. This is all wrong - YOU know this -your gut is telling you. Start telling friends and family, seek professional advice and get a calm and peaceful plan to leave.

I bet your friends and family have clocked his behaviour and could well be delighted if you called this off.

Thankyou so much everyone I think i new all along but needed to see it in black and white and I actually already feel a wave of relief that I got it off my chest even if it was to strangers. I was in an emotionaly abusive relationship for ten years and am not going to put myself through that again I will take your advice and contact the Christian support group then next stop is my parents although I do just feel like running away at the minute guess running away will only make it worse though

Please report him for fraud.
You should NOT be responsible for the debts he has built up ILLEGALLY in YOUR name!
That is a criminal offence and he should be reported for that.
Well done for posting.
You've gone from one abusive relationship, straight into another.
Please do contact Womens Aid.
They can help you with finances and an exit plan.
They can also help you with reporting the crime he has committed!
Cancel anything that has already been booked for the wedding and get out as quickly and safely as you can.

You would be a fool to marry this man. Get rid and RUN.

It sounds like you're now considering not marrying him, which in my opinion is 100% the right thing to do.

I saw a friend get married to a very abusive man last year and she is now divorcing him. From before they were married they were arguing constantly, he was always calling her a 'money grabbing bitch' and doing horrific things, however then he would apologise and unfortunately, she seemed to think that once they were married things would change - and they did.... for the worse as she couldn't leave him so easily and admitted on a number of occasions that if they weren't married, she would leave him - However as they were married, she felt she should 'try' to save their marriage, which actually was her bending over backwards to try and change everything about herself and him behaving incredibly badly.

Just before this friend got married, I mentioned my concerns to a work colleague (also a friend) and my work colleague said her marriage had lasted 6 WEEKS and that she found out that her husband had actually been having an affair for the previous 6 months and when she confronted him 6 weeks after the wedding, he had physically assaulted her so badly the police were involved and she's got permanent injuries.

I'm not suggesting your fiance is anything like these 2 men, however, one thing my work colleague said to me was:

^"Fluffy, I wish I had had a friend who had said to me that it was OK to cancel the wedding.....

....When I mentioned to my friends and family about cancelling, they said I just had 'cold feet' and I felt I had to go through with it as I didn't want to disappoint them. Looking back, I should have listened to my gut..... Please be that friend for your friend and try and say to her, she doesn't have to marry him, there is always another option"^

So, I tried.... 2 weeks before my friend got married, I phoned her up and told her, she didn't have to go through with it, there was always a bed at our house if she needed it - she had options and it was totally up to her.

Unfortunately, she did go through with it, but I'm glad I tried to at least show her that she didn't have to marry him (which she now admits was the wrong decision).

OP - Maybe think of Mumsnet posters as those friends? Ultimately, it's completely your choice, but I'd suggest not ignoring these doubts or putting them down to 'cold feet' as it doesn't sound like this is what you're feeling. Regardless of the pain and cost of cancelling a wedding, it's far, far easier to do that, than to divorce.

The kindest thing my father said to me on the morning of the day I was to be married the wrong man was 'Please always remember it's OK to change your mind, it's not too late to change it now'

Oh OP I feel really sad for you. Totally agree with the poster who suggested writing down bullet points of all the things he’s done and how unhappy he makes you (and probably your DD) and either reading it out to them or letting them read it whilst you (probably) sob.

I’m getting married this summer and I know the feeling of feeling guilty about the money and letting people down etc (DP and I are fine but I have thought about how it would inconvenience my family abroad who gavd already booked flights and accommodation etc and how much money we would lose if anything were to happen which would mean we didn’t go through with it) but in reality, in a couple of years that money would probably be recouped and I know my family would rather me (or anyone) call off a wedding rather than marry someone who was an arse!!

I suspect you haven’t paid some things fully just yet? Just deposits? Get out now whilst that’s still the case as the longer iou leave it, the more you’ll have to spend!!

The venue and my dress are paid for the rest is all on deposits. He has done so well to have me fooled this long we were soul mates so I thought he used to make me laugh every day now I cry every day I literally am breaking down

"he has also taken credit cards and phones out in my name and hasn't paid them for months although he works and earns good money"

This is an example of financial abuse. This is one of the many tactics such abusive men use on their target to make them bend to their will.

You must not marry this man under any circumstances; doing so will bring you a whole new world of pain that will only increase if you marry him. Divorcing him will also be difficult because he will make that whole process for you as long and protracted as possible. Many abusive men are indeed plausible to those in the outside world and they certainly do not walk around advertising the fact they are abusive; it is only when the woman whom they regard as a possession is really invested do they show their true colours.

You may be able to get some money back but if not then so be it. You still cannot marry this man even though the dress and venue are paid for.

Tell your parents the whole truth regarding your abuser, if they are decent people they won't mind that their daughter is cancelling the wedding.

Rather than just solely contacting a Christian support group I would urge you to contact Womens Aid today on 0808 2000 247. They can and will help you here. This man targeted you and deliberately so; you have not heard of financial abuse and you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship before now too. All of this has made you further vulnerable to approaches from abusive men and your boundaries, already screwed up by this previous relationship, have been further damaged by this man now. You basically went from one abusive relationship into another one. The Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid is a programme you definitely need to do in person. It will help you make better choices and enable you to spot the red flags far sooner.