Scared of what I'm becoming

[MySkirtHasPockets]

Last night in an argument my partner told me that he thinks I'm losing it. He said I'm angry and that I over react to everything and he worries about telling me things or doing things because of what my reaction might be.

I'm horrified, our relationship has had its ups and downs over the last few months but I can't believe he feels like this. I can sometimes be snappy but he let's me know each and every time and it is something I'm working on.

We argued on NYE before bed but on the morning of NYD when he got up he was being lovely and trying to move on from the argument the night before. We then both went out for the day (separately) and when I got home everything had changed, he was quiet with me all evening and didn't seem very engaged. A few hours later when we went to bed he snapped at me about something minor so I did snap back, what ensued was a horrible row where he told me what I have said in the first paragraph and we argued til the early hours of the morning.

I have said that we need space and that we need to think about what we actually want from this relationship because neither of us wants to live like this. He laughed and told me that this was the perfect example of me over reacting. That he tried to talk to me about the fact I over react and I responded by threatening to end the relationship.

I feel like I'm going mad. I don't know what to do.

The relationship feels toxic, last time I suggested time apart after a big row he accused me of being controlling. I'm lost right now.

Gaslighting you. Sorry x

Not necessarily. Every man is not a gaslighter! OP..could you be depressed as that manifests itself often as anger. Could you have attachment issues and be avoidant? Feeling safest when you push others away...rejecting others first avoids the big fear of being rejected? Do you tell him off..infantalise him? Easy to slip into that. I did it for years. Made my husb feel shit. Was surprisingly easy to avoid once I owned it. Itis wearing when people respond to rows by suggesting relationships are over. Over and over again....

I don't even know what I do, I'm racking my brains to try and understand what I'm doing and why.

I don't think I tell him off, I can be quite needy I suppose which is very off putting and I'm trying not to be like that. I lack confidence and sometimes that comes across in the way I am with him, saying it would be nice if he was more affectionate and things like that.

Last night he told me he's always worrying about what he does and says because of how I'll react and gave going out as an example. Saying he worried about going out early and what time to come home. I have never made him feel bad about going out or said he shouldn't or tried to discourage this. I think it's important that we have things separately as well as together. So I can't understand where that has come from.

And this idea that I'm losing it. I have had issues with anxiety and depression and sometimes it does flare up but now I'm beginning to wonder whether he's right.

He says he feels he's not allowed to feel anything or tell me about how he feels because I just dismiss him.

I think we've both lost sight of what we're getting out of the relationship.

I don't use ending the relationship every time we argue, last night was the first time I'd said it since a horrible we had in April where he just wouldn't let it lie and kept picking at me. I did suggest that we spend a few days apart in October just because we were arguing a lot about pointless things and it felt as though we needed breathing space. Is that controlling?

I don't want to be that, I just feel lost right now.

I have wondered whether he might be emotionally abusive because of the things he says but not sure if it's not that.

Another thing he does is say I'm shouting and being angry when we are talking and he'll ask me why I'm being so angry, could it be possible that I'm doing these things and not realising??

So you've suggested time apart after arguing 3 times in 8 months? That sounds an awful lot. I would be reluctant to raise any issues with someone if it kept resulting in them saying we should spent time apart. That seems a very childish way of dealing with things. Are you both not capable of talking things through without you threatening to leave the relationship? (that's what time apart is effectively)

No we've argued much more than that over the last year, over stupid things that don't really matter when I look back on it. There would typically be at least one argument per week and sometimes one argument would carry on for a couple of days.

The examples I gave were the times when I suggested having space or that we're perhaps not as compatible as we first thought. I genuinely think that we need to work out whet we want from this, neither of us seems to be having our needs met.

I'm willing to accept that it is me that is causing this or perpetuating this cycle we're in, this isn't the best thing for either of us.

Suggesting we spend a few days apart was genuinely meant to be something which would be helpful for us, because I want us to be happy.

How can I turn this around, I'm riddled with anxiety at the best of times and my mind works overtime constantly trying to straighten things out. I thought he was being unreasonable but perhaps that isn't the case.

How can I get past this and stop ruining things?

This issue with you snapping - to you, it's being snappy. What if to him it's being angry? There is a difference.

What would those moments look like if you replayed them and viewed yourself as being angry?

If he is perceiving things that way, he must be in a very negative, sad place right now. If that was the case, you maybe don't realise how angry you sound?

Living with an angry person is soul-destroying, even if they're not angry all the time you are waiting for it to happen.

Another thing he does is say I'm shouting and being angry when we are talking and he'll ask me why I'm being so angry, could it be possible that I'm doing these things and not realising??

My dh used to say this. Till I pointed out that he also raised his voice and was angry. His mother never argued back. I found he used it to derail the discussion and make me seem like I was in the wrong. As soon as I started calling it out, our arguments/ discussions got better. It can be a form of gaslighting and also defence strategy but I must say I always have found it hard not to comment on his reactions when he's felt very irritated.

People are allowed to be angry though. As long as no one/ thing is hurt or feels threatened and no name calling. If I feel passionately about something I will raise my voice. It's better not to but it is human.

Anger all the time is different and yes you walk on eggshells and feel scared.

I'd suggest counselling in order to learn better strategies to navigate through arguments. It might be that you have it separately for a bit after an initial meeting or just go together.

If he doesn't want space apart and won't do this that's not very fair.

I'm suspicious though that he's trying to make out it's all you when there's things he's doing too but he's clever at making out you're the one in the wrong. Aka gaslighting.

He does raise his voice and snap at me but if I call him on it he just denies it so there's nowhere to go with that.

Many many times when he says I'm being snappy, I see something completely different, I thought I was quite self aware but perhaps that isn't the case? If I look at it from his perspective then it must be awful living with me, if what he's saying is true.

At what point do you know though? I see so much on here about gaslighting and wondered if that might be what was happening but perhaps thats totally the wrong idea.

We have agreed to go to counselling together to try and work things out, he dragged his heels for months but has sorted out an appointment so we'll see what happens with that.

He can't talk rationally with me about the things that he does that make things difficult. He just gets over the top and says things like 'I just can't do anything right/I'm just such a bastard aren't i'. I suggested counselling partly because of this issue, I wondered whether talking in the presence of a counseller might help the communication.

I have been in a couple of shit relationships before and you kind of lose sight of what it should be like.

Have you talked to other people who know you well? Could it be possible you have a particular 'tone', like the voice version of resting bitch face?

I don't know if my frame of reference is odd because I'm very laid back and not the sort of person who argues, but once a week sounds an awful lot. I would be exhausted arguing that often...

It really doesn't sound like the problem is with you. What he is saying makes no sense. If you are angry and over react to everything, why wouldn't he want some time apart? You say you are both unhappy, and want time to reflect and decide the best way forward. That sounds like a reasonable response to a relationship that isn't working. Can you ever have a calm conversation with him? What does he think would improve things?

I'm curious what these fights are actually about? How long have you two been together?

To be honest it sounds like a lot of hard work and not much fine, maybe time to call it a day.

I have said that we need space and that we need to think about what we actually want from this relationship because neither of us wants to live like this.

This ^ is a calm, sensible, thoughtful and reasonable thing to say.

He is gas-lighting you, and I think that your instincts to end the relationship are correct.

You are not going mad or losing your mind. He is being emotionally abusive.

You can either keep going in this toxic relationship, which is never going to get better, or trust in yourself and end it.

I'd recommend the second option. You don't have to live like this.

I will try and answer the questions to give a fuller picture,

We have been together for four years, moved in together one year ago.

The only person I have spoken to is an old school friend, she was really shocked when I told her what he says about the way I am and was adament that she has not seen that side to me. We have been friends for almost 25 years and have been very close throughout, she knows me well but I appreciate the dynamic is very different between us.

Perhaps I do have a certain tone, I'm trying to be more aware of it. Of course there are times when I'm tired or grumpy but I don't think those things define me. I'm also happy and positive and caring and patient but perhaps not as much as I'd like to think?!

What do we argue about? Oh lots of silly things, I was quite down early last year and this meant that I was quiet and tearful quite a lot (I'm naturally an introvert so tend to go into myself when feeling sad or stressed), he would get frustrated with this and say something like 'oh great, crying again' which would upset me and then I'd try and explain that it wasnt to do with him, just how I felt at that moment but he didn't like that.

We have argued over housework, he does a lot around the house. I say to him, lets split it and do half each but he says no he doesn't mind doing it all, tells me not to bother. This then comes back to bite me on the arse and he'll moan that he does everything around the house and that he does that to try and make me happy/show me he loves me. I thought that was an odd thing to say as I do lots of things too like food shopping, cooking and through the week tidying up.

We argue about all sorts of things, can't think of anything off the top of my head that would be easy to explain.

A lot of it does come from the whole 'you're snapping at me/why are you so angry all the time' thing.

The other night we were watching a film in bed, I said I was going to sleep as it was late and he said okay i'll turn the film off, he didn't so after a few minutes I asked "are you turning it off?" and he slammed the laptop shut and put it on the floor while huffing and sighing. I tried to explain that I was just asking but he wouldn't let it go.

Sorry I should have also added that he has admitted on a couple of occasions that he goads me and will push for a reaction. 9 times out of 10 I play right into his hands but I don't know how to stay calm when he does that.

The other week when we argued, he kept on at me until I was crying, I then did lose my temper and shouted and I don't know how to describe his reaction. It was like he got a buzz from it almost, he got really animated and started laughing at me and saying how predictable I was and that I was a joke. I was sobbing and he stood there laughing at me.

This is horrible and toxic and I don't know whether counselling can fix this.

I completely understand where you are coming from, lots of little things that make you question your sanity, nothing big, just lots of niggly little things. It’s gaslighting, bullying and emotional abuse. I often asked myself ‘is it me? Maybe there is actually something wrong with me?

My ex’s behaviour deteriorated and that’s when I trusted my gut instinct and discovered the affair. We are now divorced and after we split I went for counselling I realised I was an introvert and displayed quite a few co-dependent traits. My counsellor explained to me that my ex was probably on the other end of the spectrum as they displayed some pretty strong narcissistic traits..that’s when I began reading about co-dependency and the dance we often do with someone who has narcissistic tendencies. It truly was a lightbulb moment.

I’m in such a better place now, I surround myself with fewer people but people I love, know and trust who reciprocate. People who I can have a disagreement with but are often resolved in a civil, fair and adult manner.

Dont doubt yourself, trust your gut instinct.

Maybe the counselling will help you to identify whether the fault primarily lies with you or him, but to me it does not sound like gaslighting or anything abusive or sinister, it is just two people winding up a relationship and rubbing each other up the wrong way as it declines.

Having lived with someone with depression and anxiety, it can be very hard and very thankless. You say that he does most of the housework, and that he feels that he is on eggshells waiting for you to be angry. He considers your crying and talk of ending the relationship to be manipulative, to shut down discussion.

Meanwhile, you feel that any 'snapping' you do is justified and is preceded by unacceptable behaviour from him, that he overreacts, that he is unkind and unsupportive when you're upset.

The counsellor might help you to common ground. If you'd been together decades or had kids it'd be worth persevering. As it is, four years in, only one (argumentative) year living together, I'd call it a day personally.