Scared of what I'm becoming

[MySkirtHasPockets]

Last night in an argument my partner told me that he thinks I'm losing it. He said I'm angry and that I over react to everything and he worries about telling me things or doing things because of what my reaction might be.

I'm horrified, our relationship has had its ups and downs over the last few months but I can't believe he feels like this. I can sometimes be snappy but he let's me know each and every time and it is something I'm working on.

We argued on NYE before bed but on the morning of NYD when he got up he was being lovely and trying to move on from the argument the night before. We then both went out for the day (separately) and when I got home everything had changed, he was quiet with me all evening and didn't seem very engaged. A few hours later when we went to bed he snapped at me about something minor so I did snap back, what ensued was a horrible row where he told me what I have said in the first paragraph and we argued til the early hours of the morning.

I have said that we need space and that we need to think about what we actually want from this relationship because neither of us wants to live like this. He laughed and told me that this was the perfect example of me over reacting. That he tried to talk to me about the fact I over react and I responded by threatening to end the relationship.

I feel like I'm going mad. I don't know what to do.

The relationship feels toxic, last time I suggested time apart after a big row he accused me of being controlling. I'm lost right now.

OP it sounds insufferable and he sounds very, very critical. Honestly don’t hang onto this. You aren’t happy, you don’t feel understood, he’s beginning to make you feel confused about who you are...ours unravelling because of this relationship. It’s bad for you.

you’re unravelling

Sounds like there is a whole range of things going on. If you suffer from anxiety / depression it can be hard for your partner to raise / discuss their upset issues with the relationship. So they try to bottle it up but of course it still has to come out so comes out elsewhere. Fact your partner does a lot of the housework makes me think there is a rescuer / victim / persecutor dynamic going on. With each of you switching roles. Rescuer to persecutor and victim to persecutor. Feeling lost has all the hallmarks of depression or emotional crisis. Your partner admitting goading you sounds like he is trying to get a reaction from you even if it's negative. Do you perhaps dismiss his concerns / needs? Maybe not consciously. I would read up on pursuer / distancer relationship as well. Essentially you both need some time to truly calm down. You need to figure out your emotions and your partner has to be ready to listen to your concerns and feelings. Good luck, marriage counseling in my experience can definitely help.

Op, read the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans and see if you can relate to it.

It does seem like you are in a toxic relationship where every request turns into a slight. His statements that you are angry seem like projection. He is very angry when you request something but can't express it healthily so will goad you until you are angry..Its called emotional hot potato.

I fear joint counselling will tie you further in knots but won't make it better given only you are looking inwards and examining your behaviour.

The key to figuring if it's you is to remain very, very calm when he escalates an issue, such as watching the film.
An effective strategy is to observe not absorb. Look at how he is speaking, what is is body language does he appear angry.

Learn a few phrases such as ."Lets discuss this tomorrow when it's calmer/we are less tired, or "we need a time out"" and refuse to engage.

I had similar in my marriage..No rational discussion could be held, everyone is snappy at times, it shouldn't end in massive rows.

What was his childhood like? Does he ever sincerely apologise?

Btw, anxiety is very common if you are in toxic relationship...I didn't know how stressed I was until he left.
This isn't a good relationship and doubt he is capable or willing to self reflect so unlikely to get better.

Just because he says these things about you doesnt make it true. Tell him that so you dont take the gift if his insult. Give it back. From yr last posts in particular he appears manipulative and controlling. Also undermining yr confidence. Think inside you know this isnt right. Consider going before youre too vulnerable/ weak to feel strong enough to do so. Talk to yr friend in rl. You need some support in rl OP.

Does he understand your anxiety? Have you tried to chat about how it makes you feel? You describe yourself as ‘needy’, well I can relate totally to that, but does he understand that your fears feel very real to you and you need reasssurance?

My personal experience (for clarity I have bipolar, BPD and a few other MH issues - not saying you do - just for my anecdotal experience to make sense) my ex couldn’t understand. When I get anxious, I do get really irrational. Suddenly out of the blue I’d start a row over a female friend or his lack of affection. Now to be fair to me he had bad mouthed me to a few of his close female friends and he was emotionally distant. When we tried to discuss this sensibly, sometimes we could power through, but later it would trigger me and I’d snap. Sometimes he’d say similar things to your partner eg “You’re over reacting” and “crying again!”.

What it boiled down to is he couldn’t understand and I couldn’t mitigate my reactions to anxieties.

We did split. It was (and still can be) very difficult to think about the relationship because I do wonder ‘what if we had managed to work through and both change?’. In reality though neither of us could.

My new DP is different. He’s gone to great lengths to understand me, my insecurities and my mental health. He is much more patient when I do have a wobble and deals with things in a totally different way. My ex was not and is not an out and out bad guy at all. But we couldn’t work.

Could your partner and you discuss and look in to how your anxiety manifests itself and impacts the relationship? You could both find a tool box of strategies that would help you both. Comments like ‘crying again’ need to stop. It’s cruel and unnecessary, but you both need to work out how he could respond and how you could avoid triggering your wobbles if you both want to stay together.

Fucking Hell.

If you don't like what you're becoming, I'm not surprised - and can tell you one easy way to stop it.

LTB.

Because you're becoming a victim of gaslighting. Not a nasty person at all - somebody on the receiving end of psychological torture and manipulation.

Have you been this way in other relationships? Because if it’s just this one then It sounds to me as though he is gaslighting you - making you fearful of questioning him, or not doing what he wants you to do. Regardless, you don’t have to stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy.

Maybe state clearly who is responsible for what - who will do the housework jobs. He can’t do the jobs and tell you to leave it all alone and then get mad at you for not doing housework. That’s a form of OCD and him just having to control the environment including you. Not fun to be around at all. You also need to both write down your concerns/issues and plan a time to sit down and discuss the “issues” when you are both calm. Ranting or hissing at each other on the go about these issues doesn’t work. If we are tired or stressed then getting to tell the other how we feel or solve our issues just won’t work. You need to write down what happened ior your “issue” then listen to each other’s perspective. Remember a perspective is only someone’s point of view about a situation. A perspective that is also viewed through the filter they view the world in. A filter is effected by all sorts - how we are raised, what we read and what we see around us. Perspectives aren’t actual truth. Just a point of view given through a filter. So listen to each other’s views and perspectives, show you have heard it but don’t take offence. Hearing someone’s perspective is not saying “oh yeah I did that”, it’s just saying “oh poor you, you see it like that”. “Maybe I can clarify it better for you” or “maybe we just let you think that”. It doesn’t mean you did something wrong if they say they saw you act and behave a certain way. It’s just their recollection or viewpoint of what happened and we all have crappy viewpoints/perspectives - let’s be honest because of our own past hurts and problems. So, dont take offence but do own your own crap. You can’t make him own his crap. The biggest problem is we can’t make others see their crap. We can only sort our own selves out. That’s all you can do, so don’t be responsible for him. And if he lies to lavishes in Lala land (going on about his perspective and what you have to do to change or make it work) and he tries to control you, let him go.

Start with that anyway.

*likes to lavish in (not lies to lavish in).

TBH, it doesn't sound as it it's you....

You haven't gone into a great deal of detail about any other areas of your relationship so it is a bit of a leap to say it's him who is the problem. Men with NPD can hide it away quite well until they get you to a position (marriage, children, living together) then they can up the abuse.

The first question I would as is - Do YOU feel you are walking on eggshells?

• ask

OP I don't like the fact that he has admitted several times goading you until he gets a reaction and then when you do react YOU are the one with the problem.

As a PP said, if you have not been like this in previous relationships then I suspect the problem is with him rather than you. Gaslighting is confusing because it makes you question yourself and what you say and how you've said it.

And as another PP said you can own you're own shit, you may not be perfect but it sounds like things escalate due to his reactions and responses, which are down to him to work on.

Life is way too short for this kind of shit.
Honestly.
He's gaslighting you.
It IS toxic and you need to separate.
Sod counselling.
Think about yourself and how much calmer your life will be without this nob-head in it!

He's doing it on purpose to get a reaction from you. This is controlling abusive behaviour. It is not you so don't waste your time going for joint counselling. Go to counselling alone and get rid of him before he sends you over the edge. I repeat, it is NOT you.

Today has been very calm. We spoke a bit this morning and I made a conscious effort to ensure I was speaking calmly and in a way that could not be misconstrued as snappy.

I said it had upset me that he had said those things the other day (that I'm losing it, he's worried to say things to me because of how I might react and that I often over react) and did he really feel that way (or was it said in heat of the moment)?

I also told him I felt upset that he had laughed at me and called me a joke when I lost my temper. He denied saying this but I know he said it, he still denied it.

He said that he does feel that I overreact but then changed it and said that this was his issue to deal with. I asked him why he felt worried to say certain things to me and he said it said more about him than it does about me.

Ithen felt confused and tried to express this to him as he had completely changed what he was saying. I tried to stay calm, stood up and walked to the window and my voice cracked a bit as I was feeling frustrated and a bit upset by this point. He then told me I was overreacting to which I responded that I didn't know how to talk to him about anything without it escalating.

He managed to get an appointment with the counsellor for Monday, he thinks this will be useful as our issue is with communication.

I just feel tired of it all and not sure of how I should speak or act around him. I cleaned the bathroom earlier and he tried to take over and tell me not to clean as I had been at work all day. That is something which seems really nice but I know it will come back to bite me on the arse one day when he tells me again that he does the lion's share of housework.

I have not been in a relationship like this before or been told the things he's saying so it's not something familiar to me.

Yep, it's him! If you are not confused or confusing when talking to other people then it's him.

The sign of toxicity is when a rational conversation will be turned upside dowm and you are left reeling.
The pay off for him is that your feelings are never validated and he never had to take responsibility. Download the Patricia Evans book and I suspect might bulbs will go off.

*light bulbs

Is there anything keeping you in this relationship?

His behaviour, from all you've written here, is abusive and gas-lighting. He is making you feel confused, unsure and anxious.

Much of what you write reminds me of my relationship with my ex husband. Pretty much in every post, there is a reminder. In your most recent post, it's the careful self-monitoring of word choice, tone of voice, and, I suspect also, facial expression and body language.

It won't work, I'm afraid. He'll always twist and distort, as he had done again today, leaving you no further forward, but instead with other worries and doubts.

I stayed for far too long because I was pregnant when he behaviour towards me worsened, and then because we had a DC and I always hoped things would get better, and then I gave up hope really, and just tried to make it through the day, a conversation, answer a question without setting him off.

It never worked.

Think about why you stay in this relationship. From all you've said, it does look to me like you'd be much better off, happier and free if you ended it.

Regarding the cleaning; next tine he moans about the the lions share, calmly point out that 1. He offers to do it when you do it - so don't offer and 2. He / you both can get a cleaner.

Seeing the distance

How did you get out? Especially with the kids? How are you now? Good to hear positive stories. X

@cantbeatfreshsheets

I started by talking to people about what was going on, after being silent about it all for so long. When I decided I had to leave the marriage, I confided in friends, family, colleagues. In a way, telling people meant that I couldn't go back on the decision. I was going to wait until after my exams - I was a full-time student at the time - but he sensed the change in me, and pulled one of his previous stunts of saying he was going to see a lawyer about divorce. In past, this would have seen me dancing to his tune and promising to change. This time, I went to see a divorce lawyer myself, and said to him that I agreed with him and that the marriage was over. I was very calm - he was in tears, then raging anger, then silence etc.

We were legally separated and living in the same house for a few months before I moved out. I was able to stay in a nearby house, belong ing to a church, on a care-taking basis, so rent-free. In hindsight, we should just have sold the marital home then.

It was such a relief to get out, and have my own space. I will never take that freedom for granted, and I still luxuriate in being able to come home to an empty house. I meet people who hate that, but I love it!

I left furniture and domestic stuff behind, and replaced it by getting stuff from Freeshare. I still, more than 10 years later, have the microwave I got from Freeshare! Friends, family, neighbours all helped out as much as they could.

I remember the night before I actually moved out, I went to my local big supermarket to buy some basic pots and pans etc. The woman on the till asked if I had a child moving into a student flat, and I said, "No, I'm leaving my husband tomorrow!" She said, "Good for you!"

When we're not arguing it is really good between us (I know how stupid that sounds, I had a friend who used to have a physically abusive partner and she'd say the same thing), he is determined that we shouldn't split and should go see the counsellor to work things out.

He's being so nice now and really making an effort but I know it probably won't last. Also still telling me that the stuff he said about me over reacting is more a reflection of his own anxieties rather than anything to do with me. A complete 180° turnaround from the other day.

seeing it must've been grim living together once you'd decided to split, glad you managed to break away though.

I know exactly what you mean about telling people, I had an ex who was violent to me on several occasions and after the last time he hit me I knew I had to tell people so that I could let myself leave.

It’s not going to work.
You have outgrown each other. He’s irritated by everything you say or do, by your very existence.
You say it’s good between you when you’re not arguing. Of course it is, because you are so relieved he is being nice to you, it feels fabulous.
Stay with him if you want to spend your life treading on eggshells and never being able to be yourself.
I think you know the solution.

The other week when we argued, he kept on at me until I was crying, I then did lose my temper and shouted and I don't know how to describe his reaction. It was like he got a buzz from it almost, he got really animated and started laughing at me and saying how predictable I was and that I was a joke. I was sobbing and he stood there laughing at me.

Op please please get away from him. This is evil behaviour. It doesn't matter whose fault anything is - the plain truth is no relationship is meant to look like what you described there.