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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dumped because I have children

58 replies

Forallittakes · 02/01/2019 00:50

He didn’t exactly say so but it’s pretty obvious that was the dealbreaker.

Part of me thinks fuck him. Any man I have a relationship with needs to take my kids on as well as me.

But another part of me feels desperately sad that he didn’t love me enough to love my dcs as well.

OP posts:

whatsthepointthen · 02/01/2019 00:51

Did you not tell him straight away?

NikiFree · 02/01/2019 00:52

It's personal choice.

I unmatch a man if I find out they have children.

It's not for me.

Original poster

Forallittakes · 02/01/2019 00:54

Of course I did. He knew about my kids (4, and 2) right from the beginning. I didn’t want him to meet them until we were in a committed relationship. For the first 4 months he was completely going that way, telling me he was in it for life etc. But gradually over the last few months he started getting distant. Then dumped me last month. I though Xmas would be the time to try again but he doesn’t want to know.

OP posts:

freeAnneBoleyn · 02/01/2019 00:55

Well... it’s not something I’d want. I discounted all men with children when I was dating.

freeAnneBoleyn · 02/01/2019 00:56

It’s a bit shit if he knew already but I guess he realised it wasn’t for him.

whatsthepointthen · 02/01/2019 00:57

Sorry thats how it read, it seems some
people arent honest about having children from the get go so thats why I asked, if he knew why do you think its about them then? what was the reason he gave? personally I wouldnt date a man with kids.

Hulloa · 02/01/2019 00:58

If you were in what seemed like a committed partnership and he's walked out on you as in walked out on a family, just because he can't be arsed, that's pretty shitty.

However if you're just dating, it's fair enough. Not everyone wants kids, and especially not everyone wants to be around other people's kids. He's free to make that choice and it doesn't make him an arsehole.

Also, why do you want someone to love your kids? Don't you love them? Are you going into dating specifically looking for someone to be a father to them?

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 02/01/2019 00:58

It's a pretty big thing for someone to take on if they're not interested in kids; I wouldn't be signing up to date someone whose children lived with them full time (EOW, perhaps)

It's one of those things that you have to accept when you're dating. I have a dog and so that rules out anyone who doesn't like dogs. It also rules out anyone who has a dog or cat of their own as DDog couldn't live with either and so we couldn't live together, which ruins long term prospects.

Each of us have characteristics that make us more desirable to some than others.

TooManyPuppies · 02/01/2019 00:59

Part of me thinks fuck him. Any man I have a relationship with needs to take my kids on as well as me.

This. Whoever you are in a relationship with needs to accept your kids and he clearly didn't want to in the end. Maybe he thought it would be fine and it wasn't what he wanted.

I agree with other posters, I'd discount a relationship if they had kids. That situation wouldn't be for me both prior to me having kids and even now I have them. Before I had kids I might have thought it would be ok and given it a go.

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/01/2019 00:59

Children are an enormous lifestyle choice. Taking on somebody else’s even more so. Deciding that the responsibility is too great, having apparently tried to make it work for several months, doesn’t make somebody a bad person. I don’t date men with DC, I’m just not interested.

You’re right, you and your DC are a package, and hopefully you’ll meet somebody who wants that.

RagingWhoreBag · 02/01/2019 00:59

It’s hard being with a parent of young children and if it’s the first time he’s had a relationship with a single mum it may have been more than he bargained for.

You can’t possibly know what challenges you face, or even what type of parent someone is, until you’ve spent a bit of time together, so maybe he thought he could do it, but it wasn’t for him.

Probably best that you found out early on.

2019rubberband · 02/01/2019 00:59

You don't actually know why he broke it off at all. I wouldn't waste time making assumptions it's your DC.

Original poster

Forallittakes · 02/01/2019 01:00

He doesn’t have kids. But he said that he was ready to be a father to mine and have some together one day.

Feel like such a fool.

OP posts:

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 02/01/2019 01:01

Have you posted about this before? Apologies if I'm confusing you with another poster. He isn't the right match for you if he doesn't want you because of the kids. Because when you have children you need the right match for you as a family, not just you. Which is harsh, but when you meet someone who loves you and wants to be with you seriously, they won't be phased by kids.

Original poster

Forallittakes · 02/01/2019 01:03

I mean step father. They already have a father. Im not looking for a father figure for my children.

It just makes me feel like he messed me about. He knew I had kids and still chose to get involved. Then fucked off when reality bit. Areshole.

OP posts:

whatsthepointthen · 02/01/2019 01:03

ready to be a dad to your kids after a few months?!

Original poster

Forallittakes · 02/01/2019 01:04

Hi Chocolatecoffeeaddict

I’m a first time poster but have been lurking for a while.

OP posts:

Coffeeonthesofa · 02/01/2019 01:09

Better that it ended before he met your children. You did the right thing in not introducing him until you were sure of the relationship. I would be wary of a new bf declaring undying love in the first 4 months anyway. Is he someone who falls madly in love at the start of a new relationship and then moves on when things settle down into a longer term thing.
Are you sure it was just because of your kids, relationships break up for all kinds of reasons. If it was the main reason then sadly he wasn’t the man for you.

Armchairanarchist · 02/01/2019 01:09

Did he go abroad?

Hulloa · 02/01/2019 01:12

It sounds like he was promising things unrealistically. How could he know after a couple of months that he wanted to parent someone else's kids?

Also, I disagree that single parents come as a package - children aren't a bolt on accessory but are separate people with their own thoughts and feelings. When you're dating what goes on between you has nothing to do with your kids and it's not until much much further down the line that you can think of including a person in the household you share with them. Until then, you are just a person who is dating.

Stripyhoglets1 · 02/01/2019 01:20

I think I'd be wary of anyone making promises like he did in the first 4 months. It's too soon to know that you want to take on someone's children - I think he had unrealistic views then got cold feet. It's horrible for you to be hurt by him though but he may not have been lying - just couldnt really cope when it came to it.

Silkei · 02/01/2019 01:24

I dated someone for a year but ultimately felt his kids were problematic. Always too much time and expense. I tried to work through it because I liked him but in the end I admitted defeat. I don’t think it makes me an arsehole for having invested some time to see if I could make it work. The opposite in fact.

This guy obviously liked OP enough to try to make it work, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving it a go and not just deciding on day 1 that kids weren’t for him.

whatsthepointthen · 02/01/2019 01:32

See I agree with pp, I dont see me and my children coming as a package, I also am not looking for someone to love my children. They have a father although he is absent I am not looking for a father for them.

Tbh if someone was talking about love and “being a dad” to my children after only 4 months massive red flags would be waving.

WanderingTrolley1 · 02/01/2019 01:32

Better now than later.

PolkaDoting · 02/01/2019 01:37

How long were you with him for?

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