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Original poster

Dumped because I have children

58 replies

Forallittakes · 02/01/2019 00:50

He didn’t exactly say so but it’s pretty obvious that was the dealbreaker.

Part of me thinks fuck him. Any man I have a relationship with needs to take my kids on as well as me.

But another part of me feels desperately sad that he didn’t love me enough to love my dcs as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Forallittakes · 02/01/2019 01:55

But don’t you need someone who will love your children as part of you and your life wgatsthepointthen?

As far as I’m concerned, there’s no way I’ll get involved with someone who doesn’t understand that children become your life the minute you have them

OP posts:
TheStoic · 02/01/2019 02:01

The problem is not that he ended it, the problem was that he was saying things like ‘this is for life’ after a matter of months.

Maybe he thought he’d be fine with it, and realised he wasn’t. Even most actual parents don’t know what parenting is like until they have their own child.

whatsthepointthen · 02/01/2019 02:04

No my mum had a boyfriend growing up, he didnt love us and we didnt see him as a step dad or father figure he was simply mums boyfriend. It was fine, we liked and respected him and him the same and that was it. Thats all I would want/expect.

How long were you with him?

AntiSocialInjusticePacifist · 02/01/2019 02:05

I’m a single father, and honestly I just gave up on dating. Didn’t even try once DC came along. Attracting people is easy, but most people approach relationships from the perspective what they “get” out of
them. Back when I used to date I’d find someone, fall for them and then work out and focus on what I can give and bring to their life. Now I have a kid that occupies that space and that should be my focus. Any woman I may fall in love with deserves more than the half of me I can currently offer.

Once my DC is of age maybe I’ll have another crack at it, but there is such a rush and expectation to be in a relationship that I don’t really subscribe to. I think most people settle in reality anyway and finding the right person, in the right circumstances who is actually willing to put the effort in is a pretty rare thing nowadays!

Be emotionally independent but open. Work on yourself and hold onto or make strong friendships and family to combat the lonliness. I’m not saying rule it out quite like I have, but approaching the dating scene with a robust emotional core to weather the increased rejection you’ll get as a single parent. Best of luck, and I hope 2019 is kinder to you than 2018 was.

Original poster
Forallittakes · 02/01/2019 02:06

That’s completely it TheStoic

I feel like I relied too much on how he felt at the beginning and before I knew it, his feelings had changed and I’m left in the lurch

OP posts:
ImNotKitten · 02/01/2019 02:06

It’s a red flag that he was talking about being together for life after only a few months. Seriously. The fact you have children is all the more reason to take things slowly and avoid people who get too intense too quickly.

Notacluethisxmas · 02/01/2019 05:32

Are you sure you haventbposted about this before?

A poster posted the exact same thing, when the break up happened.

He may have though the kids weren't an issue. But sometime the reality is different. Yes you come as a package. But you need to think like that too. Before you get involved too much you need to think realistically. Just like you wonder if the pe4son is compatible with you, is he compatible with the kids. When you think about how things would work between the 2 of you, the same needs to be thought of the kids.

I am a single parent and it's quite difficult. I get it. But just because someone says the kids aren't an issue, doesn't mean that's how it will work out. If he hasn't had kids, he doesn't really know the reality.

You do and you need to go slower. If he doesn't want to be involved with someone with kids, he just doesn't. There isn't a time to try again.

Santaclarita · 02/01/2019 06:00

He probably thought he could handle it then realised how much responsibility it is and wanted to back out. Sucks but better now than later.

MitziK · 02/01/2019 07:07

Lucky escape - the alternative could have been him moving in and then spending the next ten years trying to make you put him first at their expense - like an oversized cuckoo.

NotANotMan · 02/01/2019 07:12

I feel like I relied too much on how he felt at the beginning and before I knew it, his feelings had changed and I’m left in the lurch

Because his 'feelings' at the beginning weren't real. They may have felt real to him at the time but how could they be? How could he know in the first few months of dating that he wanted to be a step dad and have more children with you?! How could you not be sceptical about that?
He is either one of those very shallow men who thrives on the emotional intensity of a new relationship but can't maintain a genuine connection, or he's a future faker who promises the world to get his feet under the table. Either way, you need to toughen up and take relationships WAY slower when you have children. You cannot be believing any man's promises when you barely know him!

mumof3dds · 02/01/2019 07:16

As he doesn't have kids, he wouldn't have known what it's like. Your kids are so young and still so dependent on you. He was honest too!

LaughingCow99 · 02/01/2019 07:20

Children arent for everyone, as said. He tried it and it wasn't for him. No one to blame. I'm sorry you are hurting.

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 02/01/2019 07:23

I have always thought it is unrealistic to expect someone to love your children even in a long relationship.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/01/2019 07:24

There are so many depressing threads about dysfunctional stepfamilies and failed blended families that I think it's better to admit when this isn't for you than ignore your doubts and sleepwalk into a shitshow.

Cuntcuntcunt · 02/01/2019 07:25

I’m sorry you’re upset but I suspect the reality of a 4 and 2 was different to his imaginings.

💐

sammyie · 02/01/2019 07:34

Sounds like your head and heart and not meeting in the middle and thats understandable! It sounds like u know being mum has responsibilities and the happiness is all round - for u and for them hense why u want to say fuck him. But u cant help but feel love. Hard situation, i feel u! Im a believer that situations cross our path and leave when there is better to come, i too wish this for u and ur children. Selfcare x

m0vinf0rward · 02/01/2019 07:50

Sorry but if I was I single guy I'd not want to date someone with kids either. It's a huge responsibility that some just don't want to accept. Not only does it complicate dating etc but you as the man are often expected to pay when going out as a group not to mention the possibility of an annoying ex hanging around and the drama that can bring. Why would he go there when there are plenty of single women to date?

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 02/01/2019 07:52

At least it ended before you moved in together. With DC you need extra filters for potential partners. So many cocklodgers out there, as well as future fakers. Take it slow.

jessstan2 · 02/01/2019 07:55

Op, I sympathise with you but from what you've said, he thought a lot of you and was hopeful but ultimately it wasn't the right thing for him. Which means it also wasn't good for you! Loving someone is not enough, you have to be prepared to buy into their lifestyle or both make compromises which you agree on. He may well have liked your children but living with someone else's children 24/7 is another thing altogether.
I wouldn't do it!

Take it easy kid. You'll find someone else or have a good time with more than one, not all relationships are for the long haul but they can be fun.
Also your newly ex may well want to still be 'friends' with you, just not the moving in together type of friends - at the moment.

The world can open up for you in 2019, enjoy every minute.

Flowers Wine

NameChangeNugget · 02/01/2019 07:55

He was over promising in the early stages, which would have been a huge red flag for me in the early stages.

Anyone can end any relationship for whatever reason & for me, his reasoning is valid. Just think the lust bubble, in the first year of being with someone, does strange things to some people.

nuttyknitter · 02/01/2019 08:01

I'm sorry you've had such a horrible time, but the nature of newish relationships is that they grow, evolve and sometimes they end. If this weren't the case we'd all be paired for life with the first person we ever had anything more than a few dates with. In this case he found children to be a deal breaker, but it could have been any of an infinite number of reasons. Hard as it is, we can't blame people for not feeling the way we want them to.

jimmyjammy001 · 02/01/2019 08:05

Without meaning to sounds harsh, he probably got what he wanted within the first few months and when things started to get a bit more serious he will prob just move onto the next single mother, regardless of what he says, unfortunately it is tough in the dating world if you have got kids in tow, as a single man you can just get up and go for a last minute weekend away or have a date night last minute with not having to plan child care. I personally couldn't imagine anythink worse in a relationship than looking after someone elses kids, alright for the first few years you probs wouldnt expect them to interact much, but if you moved in together it would be can you pick ds up from school/take them to football practice/I need to go shopping e.t.c who could blame a single man from steering clear. Once again sorry if all that sounds harsh, but it's reality most of the time.

CallMeSirShotsFired · 02/01/2019 08:11

I was with a man who had an adult daughter and had said from day 1 I wasn't interested in being any kind of "mother figure" (the daughter lived with her actual mother and was also perfectly happy with my non-motherliness).

Nonetheless, it turned out that he had long-harboured some secret hope that I'd suddenly be desperate to go on girly days out together and become BFFs with her. It is probably the thing that killed our relationship when his vision didn't come true.

So, OP, you need to consider what you mean when you say "he didn’t love me enough to love my dcs as well" - what do you actually mean?

SandyY2K · 02/01/2019 08:25

A poster had an identical thread a few weeks ago.

Your children have a dad. 4 months was no time to be discussing taking on your kids and having more kids with him.

Why don't you just look for men with children who will be more understanding.

This guy hasn't done anything wrong. It wasn't working for him.

He's entitled to change his mind without being called an arsehole.

JinglingHellsBells · 02/01/2019 08:32

It's sad but you have to accept that people have a right to change their minds. Which is what he did.

You were only with him for a short time, really. In the early stages of being together, when it was all lust, I expect he did mean what he said. But then reality set in.

Taking on two young children is a huge responsibility. Some men would be ready, others wouldn't be.

You need to accept that.

FWIW one of my siblings has a complete no-no to children while dating, even if they are older children. They just don't want children at their age ( 50s) .

Maybe you underestimate how hard it could be for a man to take on a whole family?

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