I don't drink. Feeling isolated.

[knackeredandsome]

I've never been a good drinker, always getting very sick when I was younger after just a small amount of alcohol. I now suffer from migraines, triggered by several things including alcohol, so I just tend to avoid it altogether (I have 2xDC, one who doesn't sleep!!).

I'm obviously fine with it, as it cuts out one migraine trigger. But I feel like the rest of the world takes issue with the fact that I don't drink, especially DH, who I believe to have a very unhealthy binge drinking habit - which unfortunately runs in the family.

Tonight we fell out about it all (again!) and I'm feeling hurt and alone. I mentioned that I was annoyed because a NY Day walk (with friends & DC) turned into a drinking session when DH packed gin & tonics to have on the beach (which I was fine with), then we ended up in the pub where he proceeded to have 3 pints in the space of an hour, all in the middle of the day and in front of the kids (who were bored and ready to go and so was I!). Then he accused me of not wanting to socialise, not having any friends to drink with, basically being a boring old fishwife who doesn't drink or go out. (As a side note I should mention that DC2 takes over an hour to go down at night where I have to sit in the dark with him EVERY night, he also wakes several times in the night and it is always me who settles him. So no, I haven't felt much like socialising/drinking etc due to the amount of sleep deprivation and general situation with sleep). I also have to get some sleep before midnight because of the amount of wake-ups.

We have come through a couple of hard and sleep-deprived (on my part) years, which also took its toll on our sex life. I never felt in the mood and had issues with contraception. I felt like he constantly was silently putting pressure on me and making me feel guilty for not having more sex. In the end, he had a vasectomy and also DS started sleeping a little better and the sex improved. But I still feel like he's living a normal life/ sleeping normally/ etc, and I'm just not! And he's now criticising me for not drinking/ socialising more. Which is a reoccurring issue, that the festive period doesn't make any easier.

I just feel hurt. We aren't talking on DAY ONE of 2019 and I just feel shit. He'll never see my side, or ever change his drinking habits (I should say that he doesn't binge often, but any excuse and he's like a kid in a candy shop, he can't get enough in quick enough).

Or do I need to just lighten up a bit?! Maybe because I don't drink I am too sensitive to him drinking. And people are right to think I'm a total bore (I know his friends do)..?

You’re hubby sounds a bit of a jerk to be honest with some serious issues with alcohol.

Firstly no. You’re not a bore. You don’t need alcohol to have a good time. That’s ridiculous. I think the only reason he wants you on the booze wagon is so he can justify packing away the pints.

The other thing that troubles me is how he’s treating you. Which in short is not good. Clearly you’ve got your hands full with the kids. You’ve had some rough patches. Why the hell isnt he helping out there? Taking the load off you and being a modicum more considerate? I’m genuinely mystified sometimes at the treatment some partners receive.

I don't think this is about your not drinking it is about your DH having an alcohol problem and not pulling his weight re night wakings.

What are you getting out of this relationship

You must be getting something out of this so what is it? What is keeping you with your binge drinking spouse at all here. His attitude towards you is appalling

I would also think his primary relationship is with drink and his thoughts center on where the next drink is going to come from. It’s not looking good for you or your children going forward

His friends in all likelihood have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol as well

@maximumcarnage thanks for your reply. It makes me think I'm not always overreacting (like he makes out), and that it's NOT NORMAL! The friends we were with are a couple who are constantly drinking in the day, in front of their children and driving them home, etc. I just don't have any respect for them, but he seems to idolise them and criticise me for being the 'odd one out'. He said "what do you think everyone else was doing in the pub?!" And "you're incapable of having fun"... I'm sorry, but a pint in a pub after a walk is one thing. 4 drinks in the space of 2hrs is another!

He does help out with the kids, and it's been hard to settle DS at night as he does scream for me if he goes in, so he just doesn't try anymore. We run a business together and 'share' as much of the childcare as possible, although I have to say he makes out like he does a lot more than he actually does. And IM SO TIRED all the time, but that doesn't seem to matter now that DS is 2.

Honestly, when things are fine I feel so happy and can't believe we ever have lows. But when things are bad (like now), I can't bear to think of the future and what it could bring. I'm totally stuck, no idea what to do. Or who to turn to.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that's exactly what concerns me

You aren't overreacting. We had this in reverse. DH claims to have left his home town (in Scotland) because of hard drinking culture which made him teetotal. I was a boring drinker when we got together and still have my moments when we go to visit my family (in rural SW England, so DH pretty isolated when we're there). It took me a long time to stop being defensive and realise he had a point. I preferred to assume he was telling me I had a drink problem (I didn't, and he wasn't) when in fact he was saying it is pretty rude to get legless when one person's isolated. We wouldn't go out for fish and chips if one of the house guests didn't fancy it. Now I do not use drink to relax/foist childcare onto DH and I've learned to see some of my relatives a bit more critically. But honestly, if DH had walked away or insisted on counselling a few years back, he'd have been completely within his rights. So would you.

Could you not just have one or two socially every now and then?
You are tired anyway one drink won’t make much difference.

No don't have a drink if it gives you a migraine. Typically of drinkers, he has no self awareness that pubs and drunks are simply boring.

How is having one or two alcoholic drinks any more sociable than non alcoholic? It’s a twisted mindset.
Did you miss the part where she said it triggers migraines?

@bubba1234 WTF? Did you read the OP? Makes her sick? Triggers migraines? Not drinking is somehow rude and unsocial. That's what drinkers see because it makes them look at their own drinking habits and feel bad.

Anyway having one to be social isn't going to stop her dh knocking back 4 pints an hour. Or turning an afternoon at the beach into a piss up. Or her sleep deprivation.

He's just pissed off because he wants you to enable his drinking in my opinion. You're making him look bad in not drinking.

And fwiw I know exactly how you feel wrt socialising. My one year old is a terrible sleeper and wakes up to 6 times a night after taking almost an hour to nod off. It's hard to function normally when 5 broken hours is usual. Don't let him make you feel bad about this.

You both need to work through DS decreasing for you. Go stay with a friend for a couple of nights so they can bond more and DS relies on DH for getting to sleep.

Also find friends who don’t base fun round drink. Drinking at a party yes but day time booze ups are odd.

TBH having one drink (which I occasionally do) gets me nowhere. I'm still under pressure to have more and it just doesn't agree with me. Also, I just don't feel that drinking in the day (unless a party as you say) is right - especially when we're with the kids.

But I realise I come across as a bit of a party pooper! But my own DH accusing me of being "incapable of having fun" just makes me feel like utter poo.

If you've never been a big drinker, why's it such an issue to him now?

@category12 quite! It's because I've 'had a go' about his drinking on this occasion (I have kept schtum over Xmas). Drinking so much in such a short space of time in the daytime and with the kids just tipped me over the edge. And I guess Xmas has just highlighted the fact that I don't drink very much/ at all.

Oh OK, it's tit for tat thing - you complain about his drinking, he says you're boring and a killjoy.

Not sure what the answer is - my ex was big on pubs and I just find them tedious - alright for a meal or a couple of games of pool, but sitting around drinking, ugh, especially in the daytime. Especially when the kids were small.

I'm with you on that one! Wine bar with a nice glass over smelly crowded pub any day.

PS. Everything is tit for tat in our life childcare/ sleep/ work/ drinking/ everything.

Perhaps try relationship counselling to see if you can reset the way you communicate, if it's like that?

It has crossed my mind. But trying to get DH to commit to that would be interesting. Plus how on earth do you find someone? (We are in a very rural community)

But if you don't resolve it, it'll turn your marriage quite bitter and you'll become that bickering, resentful couple. It's not OK for you to be tired, and him always have to be more tired, or to be unable to raise any problems without it being turned back on you. (This is aside from issues he may have with alcohol, tho, which is a thing only he can tackle, really).

You could see if Relate have anything in your area, or check out BACP? Phone or remote sessions might be possible. Of course he has to be on board and it's disheartening if you think he won't go for it. But it seems a shame if you do have lots of good times still to not try and stop the rot.

Thanks. I'll look into it.

Another blazing row this eve, and this time I told him if the boozing ever became regular I'd leave. He then told me "if I fucked XX (my work client) we'd break up" - that came from absolutely nowhere (and there is no chance of that happening, nor have I given him reason to believe it would).

Feel deflated and frightened for our family's future.

God, that's worse than I was thinking - he'll really throw anything, won't he? Anything to deflect and put you on the backfoot.

Either that - or just sit in silence in the hope that I eventually cave in and give him a hug and say everything's going to be ok (which usually happens). NOT THIS TIME.

He's never lost it like that at me before. Guess I hit a nerve...

I sympathise. I don’t drink and know well that feeling of being out of synch with others. But your husband, and his friends, have a problem . They won’t like it, are probably not ready to accept it. But they do.

That’s it. You are not dull / boring for not drinking. They have an alcohol problem. If your husband does not see that, It will get worse and eventually you will separate Over this issue . But you cannot change him. Or make him change , or see .. all you can do is decide where your boundaries are, tell him and then follow through.

Pm me if you like. I get this 100% .