I don't drink. Feeling isolated.

[knackeredandsome]

I've never been a good drinker, always getting very sick when I was younger after just a small amount of alcohol. I now suffer from migraines, triggered by several things including alcohol, so I just tend to avoid it altogether (I have 2xDC, one who doesn't sleep!!).

I'm obviously fine with it, as it cuts out one migraine trigger. But I feel like the rest of the world takes issue with the fact that I don't drink, especially DH, who I believe to have a very unhealthy binge drinking habit - which unfortunately runs in the family.

Tonight we fell out about it all (again!) and I'm feeling hurt and alone. I mentioned that I was annoyed because a NY Day walk (with friends & DC) turned into a drinking session when DH packed gin & tonics to have on the beach (which I was fine with), then we ended up in the pub where he proceeded to have 3 pints in the space of an hour, all in the middle of the day and in front of the kids (who were bored and ready to go and so was I!). Then he accused me of not wanting to socialise, not having any friends to drink with, basically being a boring old fishwife who doesn't drink or go out. (As a side note I should mention that DC2 takes over an hour to go down at night where I have to sit in the dark with him EVERY night, he also wakes several times in the night and it is always me who settles him. So no, I haven't felt much like socialising/drinking etc due to the amount of sleep deprivation and general situation with sleep). I also have to get some sleep before midnight because of the amount of wake-ups.

We have come through a couple of hard and sleep-deprived (on my part) years, which also took its toll on our sex life. I never felt in the mood and had issues with contraception. I felt like he constantly was silently putting pressure on me and making me feel guilty for not having more sex. In the end, he had a vasectomy and also DS started sleeping a little better and the sex improved. But I still feel like he's living a normal life/ sleeping normally/ etc, and I'm just not! And he's now criticising me for not drinking/ socialising more. Which is a reoccurring issue, that the festive period doesn't make any easier.

I just feel hurt. We aren't talking on DAY ONE of 2019 and I just feel shit. He'll never see my side, or ever change his drinking habits (I should say that he doesn't binge often, but any excuse and he's like a kid in a candy shop, he can't get enough in quick enough).

Or do I need to just lighten up a bit?! Maybe because I don't drink I am too sensitive to him drinking. And people are right to think I'm a total bore (I know his friends do)..?

@AttilaTheMeerkat honestly, after FIL's antics last year, I don't think she has a leg to stand on. She's opened up to me about his drinking in the past. Even though she may not respond well to my face/initially. I KNOW she will know EXACTLY where I'm coming from, deep down.

Don't bother telling the mil just keep your own dignity. If your dh is free to have a right rousing time at the get together you are free to do your thing and stay home. Or bring your own car if that is possible and head home when you are not happy.
I would imagine that family members will have noticed his excessive drinking and be aware of whats happening.

So the day trip didn't go down well. I'm pressing for separate rooms so that at least he can roll in at whatever-time and not affect me and the kids (DS co-sleeps some of the night). He's gunning for adjoining rooms, but that would still mean him sharing with one of us...

Let's see. I've also contacted Relate. Fingers crossed he'll agree to it all. Really want to make some changes going forward...

Not really surprised to see that the day trip suggestion did not go down well (it stops him from drinking for longer so you are seen as his party pooper). Forget separate rooms as well, my advice would be not to attend at all.

Would urge you to not play the "let's see" game with yourself either because you know deep down how that is going to go. He will continue to play at being unreasonable towards you and you can see that already from him.

Relate as well may not equally be of much benefit to you either and sadly I doubt he will actually agree to attend. Having said that though, going on your own would be of greater benefit to you because you can then talk freely in a calm and safe environment.

I would be also be contacting Al-anon as well if you are not already doing this.

You cannot change him but you can certainly change how you react to him. Be careful too of how all this does and will impact on your children because this does. They are seeing and hearing all your reactions both spoken and unspoken here and at the very least far more than you care to realise.