I don't drink. Feeling isolated.

[knackeredandsome]

I've never been a good drinker, always getting very sick when I was younger after just a small amount of alcohol. I now suffer from migraines, triggered by several things including alcohol, so I just tend to avoid it altogether (I have 2xDC, one who doesn't sleep!!).

I'm obviously fine with it, as it cuts out one migraine trigger. But I feel like the rest of the world takes issue with the fact that I don't drink, especially DH, who I believe to have a very unhealthy binge drinking habit - which unfortunately runs in the family.

Tonight we fell out about it all (again!) and I'm feeling hurt and alone. I mentioned that I was annoyed because a NY Day walk (with friends & DC) turned into a drinking session when DH packed gin & tonics to have on the beach (which I was fine with), then we ended up in the pub where he proceeded to have 3 pints in the space of an hour, all in the middle of the day and in front of the kids (who were bored and ready to go and so was I!). Then he accused me of not wanting to socialise, not having any friends to drink with, basically being a boring old fishwife who doesn't drink or go out. (As a side note I should mention that DC2 takes over an hour to go down at night where I have to sit in the dark with him EVERY night, he also wakes several times in the night and it is always me who settles him. So no, I haven't felt much like socialising/drinking etc due to the amount of sleep deprivation and general situation with sleep). I also have to get some sleep before midnight because of the amount of wake-ups.

We have come through a couple of hard and sleep-deprived (on my part) years, which also took its toll on our sex life. I never felt in the mood and had issues with contraception. I felt like he constantly was silently putting pressure on me and making me feel guilty for not having more sex. In the end, he had a vasectomy and also DS started sleeping a little better and the sex improved. But I still feel like he's living a normal life/ sleeping normally/ etc, and I'm just not! And he's now criticising me for not drinking/ socialising more. Which is a reoccurring issue, that the festive period doesn't make any easier.

I just feel hurt. We aren't talking on DAY ONE of 2019 and I just feel shit. He'll never see my side, or ever change his drinking habits (I should say that he doesn't binge often, but any excuse and he's like a kid in a candy shop, he can't get enough in quick enough).

Or do I need to just lighten up a bit?! Maybe because I don't drink I am too sensitive to him drinking. And people are right to think I'm a total bore (I know his friends do)..?

God he sounds like such an arse. You must be a saint to put up with him on top of the demands of the DC.

FWIW, I don’t drink and have never been made to feel awkward or weird about it by people I love. It’s horrible that he’s giving you a hard time over something which is good for your health.

@lilybetsy @ImNotKitten thank you for your replies. It's good to know I'm not alone!

The argument he uses, and up until now I've dealt with, is that it's rare when he does drink. And he's right (he does drink at weekends, but only a couple of beers and a couple of glasses of wine a night prob). But we're relatively new to our village and now know more people (incl this couple) and he's about to join a charity (which I've encouraged him to do) with the male and he's been bragging about how they meet in the pub every month and booze great. A lot of arguments to look forward to for me.

I don't like the way he turned on me last night and I'm struggling to see past it. The kids are picking up on the atmosphere and it's just toxic and shit.

Your husband drinks too much and probably hangs around with like minded people. You can't change him, so don't try. Please let me be a bore and repeat it, as it's central -

You can't change him.

So now what? If you accept that is true, what does that mean for you?

Oh lord. What about counselling? For him or as a couple?

I feel like I'm staring down a barrel to be honest. I know his Dad is exactly the same and his mum felt abandoned when she was younger (they are fine now). I think he may have even had an affair but it's never spoken about. She told me a story once about him going to the pub for the millionth time and was late, so she got all dolled up and went into town and sat in a bar on her own I refuse to be her!! She sadly had no friends to go with and I'm grateful for mine, but I can see it happening. His Dad got drunk at a family event a few years ago and fell into the bath in the hotel room. Again, I can see it happening with DH.

So sad. I just can't get through to him that he's not 'being sociable', he's going too far. Every time drink is involved. He claims everyone (man) does it and it's normal/ having fun: etc. Like I don't have a clue what's normal COZ I DONT DRINK.

So what does it mean for me? For my kids? For our joint business? For our home? Doesn't bear thinking about. I'm stuck. He's so great in other ways (except the sex thing) but I just know this will keep coming round again and again). Please let him see sense. Help!!!!!

I think you need to lay it on the line to him. Tell him you need a civil talk once dc are in bed. I would outline once again to him that you can't drink due to migraine / you are doing the nights with dc. That it's affecting your health & happiness and quality of life. On top of that he is living like a college student when you have children now.

Tell him that unless he stops th ed outbursts and overall horrible behaviour that somethings got to give.

Op l feel for you ...I rarely drink, maybe once every few months, a single drink, because it usually makes me feel really ill.

My Dh loves wine and drinks most days maybe 3 glasses, but he never comments on my lack of drinking and his personality doesnt change when he drinks. He very rarely gets drunk perhaps once a year twice at the most.

Personally l couldn't bear it if he became a drunken idiot more than very occasionally.

Your DH needs to grow up, face this issue and put some control on his drinking, that you are in agreement with, or you are going to find this very difficult going forward...so sorry.

@Littlelambpeep that's what I tried last night and it ended badly. Urgh, just feel like there's no way out of the situation because I know Jan will be 'dry' and he therefore has the perfect way of 'proving he can go without booze' but I know it's just going to happen again, and again, for the rest of the year. Especially now that he has a few drinking buddies. His old college friends don't help as they often visit and are big drinkers. He always refers to them as 'the norm' but I think they drink too much, and they don't have two DC!

But we can't stay in this stalemate for much longer and I still can't get over the way he spoke to me last night.

Knackered

You will ultimately need to start putting plans in place, and sooner rather than later, to leave him to his alcohol and drinking buddies (who in all likelihood all have unhealthy relationships with alcohol too). Would seek your own legal advice re the finances, children and your joint business (what role do you have within this).

Your children and you cannot continue to live in such a toxic environment, it will do none of you any favours. He is a carbon copy of his own drunkard for a father and you are doing now what his wife did. Do not make the same errors she made.

Al-anon are also worth contacting for your own self to get some additional realmlife support.

I am a social drinker (pregnant just now so not drinking at all) but I would have an issue with this type of behaviour if it was my DH. It sounds like his social circle revolves around drinking and quite honestly if I am reading this right irresponsible parenting by some of his friends (did I read it right that some drink and drive their kids home?) that is bang out of order and way over and above social drinking. If the parents are getting so drunk they are not caring for their children correctly and/or are making decisions that risk their kids lives they are not people I would want to be around or my kids around. If your DH thinks this is normal behaviour he himself has a problem in my view.

Sorry you're in this position op.

My husband and I separated a year ago. Not to do with his drinking, although I think it may have contributed to things.
Anyway, he was similar to how your husband sounds. He loved going to the pub and couldn't never just have one drink. Any opportunity to go out drinking, he was first there and last to leave. I drink too but would always be the one who ended up not drinking and driving as he would make me feel guilty if I only had a couple of drinks as he could have had loads more. I thought it was my decision if I wanted to enjoy a couple of drinks but not get rat arsed and lose the next day to a hangover.

He started socialising with people from work more (mostly younger then him without the responsibilities he had) and ended up having an affair with a 28 year old (which is when I left him).
Whenever I tried to cut down on booze at home (for example dry Jan/not drinking in the week) he would never support me and just carry on. He has high bp and his dad (who is similar) has had two strokes but it seems the booze and drinking culture is more important than his health so the 28 year old can deal with that.

I don't think your husband is an alcoholic any more than mine was but their relationships with alcohol are unhealthy and causing problems which they don't seem to recognise and that is dangerous.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I'll have a look thank you. I hope it doesn't come to that. I really do. As when it's not an issue, everything is fine.

@Fundays12 yep - not that it's an excuse, it's only a mile up the road, but I'm still appalled by it, and no longer want to be around them (tricky in such a small community).

@Sunshineandflipflops god sounds so familiar! There are other underlying issues (like me feeling unsupported when it comes to my sleep deprivation, and raising the children generally). He does help physically, it's just his attitude towards me that stinks. I'm made out to be the one with the problems, because I don't drink/ don't socialise in the evening/ place too much priority on the kids/ etc. When I was barely functioning because of DS, he was moaning constantly about our (lack of) sex life and I just couldn't believe it. The pressure to relieve his sexual needs when I could barely function.

PS. He's not a monster! I'm just feeling very sore and these issues keep coming up so it all sounds very bad because I'm purely focusing on the bad stuff. Obviously day-to-day these things aren't an issue. But when they come up it's catastrophic! Hard to explain...

knackered

His drinking is a recurring issue and I would class him as an alcoholic like his own father. Alcoholism can also be learnt and its not known as the family disease for nothing. Your H is always on the lookout for opportunities to drink, his thoughts do centre on where the next drink is going to come from. He is not a monster as you state but he is supremely selfish, thinks you are dull and is someone who definitely has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Is this really the man you want your own self and your kids to remain with. Do you think his mother should have left her H years ago too?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

YABU - This isn't going to be a popular opinion but if he wants to have a few drinks with his mates and you are trying to stop that - I think that is unfair. On the same hand if you don't want to drink then you don't have to. He clearly isn't alcohol dependant he just enjoys a drink when you are with friends. There is no crime in that! I sometimes choose to drive if I don't fancy a drink and then I have a good excuse (not that I need one) not to drink. Works every time!

@hellhavenofury I'm not trying to stop him drinking. It's just the level/speed and during the daytime, and in front of the kids that doesn't seem right. If he wants to go out drinking with his friends, that's one thing (although he would never stop at 'a few').

Hard to explain. I'm not trying to stop anyone having a good time (god knows we parents need it). But also I'm not going to be punished/slated for not drinking and being accused of being 'incapable of having fun' which is just hurtful coming from your own DH.

Or have it nastily suggested you might cheat out of nowhere to spin you out.

It used to piss me off that family time had to be conducted in pubs, place only one of us was enjoying. It was all he wanted to do, socially.

3 pints in an hour or 2 with friends isn't excessive IMO but everyone has there own thoughts on that. And the kids, they had you 100% sober and he doesn't sound like he is a complete arse./ horrible when he has had a drink!

I however, completely agree with you about you not wanting to drink and not having to. I am an all or nothing kind of drinker as I don't see the point of having a glass of wine and I need to be in the right mood hence why I don't drink often. My OH will happily have a couple of glasses a night and says why don't you have one. My answer is because I don't want one!

Maybe as a compromise if he accepts that you don't or not very often have a drink and are capable of having fun without alcohol but you are happy for him to drink when socialising with you or not then you are both happy?

OP, you are not alone.

Very similar pattern here. My STBXH is a functioning alcoholic (among many other things). Every single thing in his life revolves around drinking and where the next drink is coming from. I've witnessed him having up to 10-12 pints for a night or up to 4 bottles of wine. All his friends have unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I've noticed that he can't really relate to people who do not drink, finds them boring and I even think that he feels insecure around them.

I don't really drink, don't like it and just can't. I can have a glass of wine now and then and that's it. I've had zero experience with alcohol before my STBXH, but now if I were to start dating again I would run for the hills at the first sign of alcohol abuse.

My STBXH drinks in front of our children, he would drink when he was left in sole charge of our kids (that's why I avoided leaving him with kids which meant no break for me). He doesn't drive in Uk where we live as he doesn't want to limit his drinking, but when we go abroad (eg. Visiting his family he would drink and drive with kids in the car). Every single time we go out as a family he is just itching to leave the funfair/zoo/park/playground and we end up walking for hours looking for a particular pub or going from one pub to another with kids of course.
If I try to point out to this and suggest we change this pattern we would end up arguing. Bottom line is that I've been accused of being boring, no fun and that I need to go out more and get drunk. I tried pointing out so many times that that's not my cup of tea and that instead of doing that I would much rather have a lie in on the weekend or some support with kids or a bit of more financial independence. However, none of that happened. Apparently it was my fault that I didn't drink and not his for drinking too much. And that was driving me insane. The fact that he was trying so blatantly to blame his vice on me. It bothered me a lot and it created a lot of resentment. I'm not sure what I would advise you (my marriage was troubled in many ways), but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone when it comes to this issue of drinking versus not drinking.

Apparently it was my fault that I didn't drink and not his for drinking too much.

This! Is exactly what he is doing and is so twisted.

Oh no! DH has just announced the location for the annual (extended) family get-together later in the year (despite the fact that we're barely speaking and I'm still fuming).

Cue an inward groan from me (it's a notorious piss-up disguised as a golfing weekend). What's worse is that we all have to attend, and I'll be in the room with DC whilst he gets pissed and crawls in at god-knows-what-hour and I genuinely fear for what could happen. Previous antics include passing out in the morning (in front of DD), kicking me in the face in his sleep, oh and his Dad's 'hilarious' falling into the bath experience. Maybe he'll piss in the wardrobe this year, or even better, vomit...

I think I might refuse to go this year. But he'll play the guilt card and say it's the only chance for the (extended) family to see the kids.

Help!!

Go for the day only?

Worth a shot, but it's quite a trek. It's usually a 2-night stay.

As I stated earlier he is continually on the lookout for opportunities to drink and this is now disguised as the golfing weekend annual family get together. His primary relationship is with drink, it’s certainly not with you or your children.

Refuse to go this year and do not fall for the guilt card. There is also nothing stopping his extended family members from seeing you and these children anyway but would you really want to see his dad in any case?

Its a well known ploy of alcoholics to turn the blame on the wife. Its the same old, same old. These guys are all the same. Think of the guy down the pub because his wife is such a nag at home. Truth is he stirred up a row so he could blame her and head on down to drown his sorrows.
You need to know your bottom line. If you are not happy to be at a piss up family event with no fun for you, don't go. Start doing one or two things differently.
My friends dh was like yours. She said if you drink more than 3 drinks dc and l are heading home. And she did on a few occasions. He thought she was a total drip. But he began to look at his drinking, realised he had a problem, had counselling as he had an addictive nature and hasn,'t had one drop in years. Probably one of the best df/dhs l know.
But she was ready to walk. And she very much led her own life. Try and do one or two things differently. Don't talk..do something ..like leaving as soon as you are uncomfortable.

@junebirthdaygirl you're so right. Take control! That's what I need. He and all around him (including his family) will think I'm a total witch, but honestly I think they do anyway! But their perception of what's right and wrong is very far from my own.

That story gives me hope. And I am prepared to ultimately walk if things don't change. But I'm not there yet.

Tempted to contact the MIL and state my reasons for not attending and see what the response is like...

They will continue to support him because he is their son.

Do you think that his mother will at all support you in not attending?