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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help. My husband downloads photos from a friend's ex girlfriends Facebook profile.

71 replies

Damflask · 01/01/2019 16:29

My husband is super secretive over his phone and his computer. Whenever I look overbid shoulder I always notice it's the incognito tab the he is using. I try never to look at his phone or computer as when I do I find stuff I don't like. Anyway over Christmas he had given his password to the kids and they left the computer on so perfect for me to have a quick look. On it I found a file of photos of an ex girlfriend of a friend of his that he had donwnloaded from Facebook. As far as I know she lives in a different city and he hasn't seen her in 10 years. When I found these photos of I was very upset as he had made a similar file with photos of the same woman earlier in the year. The photos are not her in sexy clothes ect just everyday photos with her by herself and her with her kids. But his file history shows that he looks at them regulary. Last time when he downloaded the photos one of them came up on my phone as we have a joint photo account so I confronted him about this one photo. He dismissed it saying he didn't know how it had happened but then I noticed that he deleated the file. I left it after that as I don't really know what to do. When I found this new file I was crying my eyes out and so when he asked what was wrong I told him. He dismissed it completely and said it was completely normal for him to have these photos and that how can I say anything to him when I am always looking at pictures of my ex on Facebook (which is total rubbish). This was two days ago and he is still saying it's normal and I am in the wrong. I think its really creepy for him to have these photos. I've asked him why and he said he doesn't know. He also said he's now deleated the file but all he's done is moved it into a work file so he thinks i'll think its gone. I don't understand this. Im pregnant and sad. He goes out three times + a week and comes back in the middle of the night without letting me know where he is - if I ring or text him he just ignores it. He never comes to bed when I go to bed but he insists that he is happy with me. We do have good sex and he does take good care of me when he is around but snaps at me a lot and implies that I couldn't live without him. I don't have anyone to talk to about all this and I would appreciate other people's thoughts.

OP posts:
pyjamama · 01/01/2019 16:32

it's wrong on all kinds of levels..you must know that

user1479305498 · 01/01/2019 16:40

Creepy and weird and he knows full well it is too

Ironingboard · 01/01/2019 16:41

You need to get out of this relationship, he sounds like a creepy, shady weirdo.

Original poster
Damflask · 01/01/2019 16:45

It's easy to say that. He doesn't come across to me as a creepy shady weirdo and I love him. I just want help on how to confront him on this and get him to talk to me.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/01/2019 16:46

I try never to look at his phone or computer as when I do I find stuff I don't like.

You can either go back to putting your head in the sand because he's good 25% of the time or you can acknowledge that actually you already knew he was not a good man and you won't be able to ignore it forever; and he doesn't even treat you well most of the time.

I'd be voting to leave him and start the new year on a better foot.

MauraIsles · 01/01/2019 16:47

Sorry OP, but he’s full of shit - it’s creepy and completely not normal to have a file full of photos of an ex and look at them regularly - He’s hiding something!

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 01/01/2019 16:49

Why on earth have a baby with a man who treats you like this? The mind boggles Confused

curlykaren · 01/01/2019 16:50

Oh dear, the photos are the least of your problems. He has conditioned you to accept some really shabby behaviour. Normal people don't have secretive outings 3 times a week.

notacooldad · 01/01/2019 16:51

You've come on here knowing it's not right. It isn't right,it is creepy.
Do you really want to be with someone that practically makes out they are doing you a favour by being with you because that's what he is doing. Screw that and get your dignity back.

It isn't easy leaving a relationship but you have support from MN to help you along the way.
So it's up to you, put up with the creepy fucker who doesn't respect you or take advice.
It's your call.

OhLemons · 01/01/2019 16:51

He's up to something. Where does he go when he goes out and why won't he answer your calls or texts?

It is creepy to have a file of photos of a woman that he has no relationship with. There is no reasonable reason to have them and it is really odd that he does. Do you think he could be having an affair with her?

pyjamama · 01/01/2019 16:54

time after time after time these threads pop up...
OP: my DH is doing something unacceptable,
PEOPLE REPLY: leave him, it's not right
OP: but i can't/won't because i love him soo much (in an aggresive tone)

....WHY BOTHER POSTING IN THE FIRST PLACE THEN ! the mind boggles

DelphiniumBlue · 01/01/2019 16:54

But the way you describe him makes him sound like " a creepy shady weirdo".
Not really sure what confronting him or talking to him can do - he clearly knows he's in the wrong, he's seen you crying about it, and - huge red flag - he's secretive with his phone and computer.
You're pregnant, which makes you vulnerable, and you say he already implies you couldn't manage without him. That's also creepy and weird.

PrincessScarlett · 01/01/2019 16:55

She's not even his ex, she's the ex girlfriend of one of his friends. That is weird and suggests to me he has history with her.

Disappearing three times a week and coming back in the middle of the night with no explanation is also weird behaviour.

Echobelly · 01/01/2019 16:55

It's not 'completely normal' for a bloke to have pictures of a mate's ex-girlfriend, I have to say. I wouldn't have a problem with a partner following a mate's ex on FB if they'd been friends, but downloading pics from it and then lying about deleting them is concerning behaviour.

TBH, I think more than the pictures is the issue of him going incommunicado when he's out - if there's anything to confront him about, I would talk to him about that and say that you have to problem with him going out and having his own life, and you're not wanting to monitor him, but in a mutually respectful, caring relationship, you tell your partner where you're going and if your plans change, and you check your phone to see if they've called and call or message them back if you've missed them. Because at the moment it does sound like he takes you for granted.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 01/01/2019 16:56

Even the best case scenario of what you're saying is creepy as fuck.

You need to leave.

category12 · 01/01/2019 16:57

What the actual fuck?

You're more concerned by the stalker-y photo downloading than him pissing off three times a week and acting like it's normal and none of your business? I mean it's all bad, but that's worse. Hmm

ScrambledSmegs · 01/01/2019 16:57

Confused He sounds like a stalker. Very creepy and very wrong.

PurdysChocolate · 01/01/2019 16:58

Downloading photos of that woman is not normal. And lying to you repeatedly about it is not acceptable.

And this Im pregnant and sad. He goes out three times + a week and comes back in the middle of the night without letting me know where he is - if I ring or text him he just ignores it is awful behaviour.

You are being treated incredibly badly.

user1479305498 · 01/01/2019 17:01

Creepy weirdos aren’t 100% odd all the time or come with a sign around them. The guy that killed Suzy lamplugh looked like a typical accountant/city worker . This is really so not normal OP

newyearnamechange · 01/01/2019 17:15

I know you say he might not come across as creepy but it really is.
It gives me chills to think that my exes friends could have pictures of me and my kids stored on their computer to look at on a regular basis.
Imagine being that woman

MrsCar · 01/01/2019 17:19

Does he have history with this woman? If not, then that makes it even creepier Sad

I'd want to know where the hell he is, when you say he's out.
I know his 'type', and I think I could guess Angry

I'm so sorry OP.
You need to dig a little deeper on him first, before you get your ducks in a row. I understand how hard it must be, especially being pregnant 💐

LuckyLou7 · 01/01/2019 17:21

He's definitely a grade A creep and you need to confront him about his behaviour. Bringing a child into the mix is going to change the dynamic even more. Does he get obsessive about other things or just this woman? Where does he go on his secretive nights out?

mindutopia · 01/01/2019 17:25

That’s incredibly weird and creepy. Normal people don’t do this. Are they together? Is there any chance those are his kids? Sounds far fetched, but it’s such odd behaviour that it’s hard to find any other explanation. Honestly, I think you need to tell her so she can block him and better secure her social media as, assuming they aren’t having an affair, she deserves to know so she can protect herself and her kids.

Closetbeanmuncher · 01/01/2019 17:48

Hi op...

Where does he tell you he is when he's coming back in the middle of the night?

The downloading pictures of the woman from facebook is very odd and stalkerish op.....Come on now.

I agree that you've been conditioned to accept whatever he says as he shuts you down and flips things around on you if you dare call him out.

You need to investigate, something stinks....This person isn't who you think he is - that I'm fairly certain of.

Woodenfloor · 01/01/2019 17:48

I know he's not having an affair with her and I know her kids definitely aren't his. Just to clarify a couple of things. He doesn't have pictures of her kids on their own only with her. I have no evidence or suspicion that he has been in contact with her for about 10 years. When he is out at night I sort of know where he is - he is with his friends - it's just the fact that he will tell me he will be home a certain time and then not arrive and have his phone off if I try to contact him.

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