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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help. My husband downloads photos from a friend's ex girlfriends Facebook profile.

71 replies

Damflask · 01/01/2019 16:29

My husband is super secretive over his phone and his computer. Whenever I look overbid shoulder I always notice it's the incognito tab the he is using. I try never to look at his phone or computer as when I do I find stuff I don't like. Anyway over Christmas he had given his password to the kids and they left the computer on so perfect for me to have a quick look. On it I found a file of photos of an ex girlfriend of a friend of his that he had donwnloaded from Facebook. As far as I know she lives in a different city and he hasn't seen her in 10 years. When I found these photos of I was very upset as he had made a similar file with photos of the same woman earlier in the year. The photos are not her in sexy clothes ect just everyday photos with her by herself and her with her kids. But his file history shows that he looks at them regulary. Last time when he downloaded the photos one of them came up on my phone as we have a joint photo account so I confronted him about this one photo. He dismissed it saying he didn't know how it had happened but then I noticed that he deleated the file. I left it after that as I don't really know what to do. When I found this new file I was crying my eyes out and so when he asked what was wrong I told him. He dismissed it completely and said it was completely normal for him to have these photos and that how can I say anything to him when I am always looking at pictures of my ex on Facebook (which is total rubbish). This was two days ago and he is still saying it's normal and I am in the wrong. I think its really creepy for him to have these photos. I've asked him why and he said he doesn't know. He also said he's now deleated the file but all he's done is moved it into a work file so he thinks i'll think its gone. I don't understand this. Im pregnant and sad. He goes out three times + a week and comes back in the middle of the night without letting me know where he is - if I ring or text him he just ignores it. He never comes to bed when I go to bed but he insists that he is happy with me. We do have good sex and he does take good care of me when he is around but snaps at me a lot and implies that I couldn't live without him. I don't have anyone to talk to about all this and I would appreciate other people's thoughts.

OP posts:

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 01/01/2019 23:58

I'm so sorry you're going through this, DamFlask. It sounds to me like he is missing his ex girlfriend. He may even be missing the freedom and youth that he had when they went out. Pregnancy often times brings up a bushel of feelings and emotions. Becoming a parent is life changing. I am not excusing or condoning his behaviour, but perhaps you both can sit down and have an honest discussion about how you both feel with the upcoming baby. Communication is the cornerstone to any good relationship. I wish the very best for you, OP.

bigaba · 02/01/2019 00:02

@MissLanesAmericanCousin it's not his ex. It's his friends.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 02/01/2019 01:01

Thank you @bigaba! I missed that. In that case, Op, I would have to agree with pp and say he's just a creeper. Has he met her at all? The exes friend? It sounds obsessive.

Woodenfloor · 02/01/2019 07:45

Thanks for that Miss lanes. However just to clarify this is not his ex girlfriend and he is already a parent.

OhLemons · 02/01/2019 08:35

How do you know he's with his friends when he goes out - because that's what he tells you?

How do you feel about his behaviour, it obviously doesn't please you but you don't appear to realise just how creepy it really is?

TheMythicalChicken · 02/01/2019 08:39

He goes out three times + a week and comes back in the middle of the night without letting me know where he is - if I ring or text him he just ignores it.

This would be enough to make me leave.

Woodenfloor · 02/01/2019 08:45

I do know he's in a pub or dropping people off at home. He hardly ever drinks.

Thingsdogetbetter · 02/01/2019 08:46

Tell him you'll tell his friend! See how normal his friend thinks it is? Then watch him squirm.

And say you'll be asking his friends if he's with them 3 times a week? Is it just drinking? Cos switching his phone off is extremely childish and selfish. What if there was an emergency?

He's creepy, childish, selfish, spending a lot of family money on drink/drugs and conditioning you that such behaviour is normal. Love is NOT enough. It's supposed to go hand in hand with respect, support and consideration. He gives you none of these things!!

Woodenfloor · 02/01/2019 08:46

I'm very confused about the whole thing because the way he presents is so mixed

Woodenfloor · 02/01/2019 08:47

He hardly ever drinks and has never taken drugs

Sarahjconnor · 02/01/2019 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thingsdogetbetter · 02/01/2019 08:49

So he sits in the pub watching his mates get pissed and then drives them all home 3 times a week with his phone off? Come on, that's the most ridiculous story I've ever heard! At the very least he's avoiding coming home and abducting his family responsibilities. At worst...........

Sarahjconnor · 02/01/2019 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Knittink · 02/01/2019 08:57

I'm very confused about the whole thing because the way he presents is so mixed

You are hanging onto the idea that just because he's not awful in every way, you can somehow let this go and everything will be ok. No partner/dh is awful in every way, OP, otherwise they would never attract a partner in the first place. That doesn't mean you should tolerate this. It's perfectly obvious why he's downloaded the pictures and regularly looks at them, and you know it.

BlancheM · 02/01/2019 08:59

He sounds like the sort to slip you something in your drinks and film you whilst asleep. Sorry to alarm you but you just can't trust him. I wouldn't, I'd be afraid of what other creepy things he passes off as normal, he's capable of.

newyearnamechange · 02/01/2019 10:37

OP- why are you worried about confronting him? I mean if you're honest with yourself it's creepy and he's not going to change. Just leave him and focus on you. Who gives a shit what his excuse is. It's weird

Kittykat93 · 02/01/2019 12:15

Wow sorry op but your husband sounds like a vile creep. Can't believe some of the behaviour women put up with, it really shocks me.

His behaviour is disgraceful and you know it.

DBML · 02/01/2019 12:36

OP, your husband sounds like a first class sleazeball of a man and your description of him has turned my stomach.

Collecting pictures off woman’s Facebook profiles is not normal. It’s creepy and abusive. Of course he’s going to argue it’s fine...he wants to do it. He’s hardly going to say that he’s a pervert with a disgusting problem.

I wonder what people in ‘real life’ think of him? I know angry who leaves his wife and kids to go down the pub most nights and I also know that very few people think highly of him. He by contrast thinks he’s some sort of much loved comedian.

Everyone has a charming side, or a loving side. Your husband is letting you see just enough of his to make you doubt yourself. He gives you that love though under his terms and doesn’t seem to take you seriously otherwise...moving a file to a work folder...he also must think you are stupid.
I rarely advocate leaving someone, but your husband sounds awful. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best!

Whatsnewpussyhat · 02/01/2019 12:55

You know he's full of shit and up to no good but refuse to admit it and are desperately looking for reasons for his behaviour.
You are being gaslighted to accept his bullshit.

It's creepy as fuck and stalkerish.

You seem adamant that you know he is in the pub but I doubt he is. Been there, done that. Especially as he doesn't drink. That's at least 3 night a week he is driving somewhere and you have no clue. I bet if you suggested going with him he would get angry.

It isn't normal for a married man with kids to fuck of out for half the week. The only men I have know to do this have had a second life with another woman.

StuffingSandwich · 02/01/2019 13:11

I try never to look at his phone or computer as when I do I find stuff I don't like.

I can't think of a more simple or basic reason to end a relationship tbh. If you don't like his communications or his personal habits then why bother?

Add to that you think he's creepy, he makes your cry and he ignores you when you contact him. What the fuck is the point?

This isn't a 'relationship' and that's not love.

It's emotional attachment - they're not the same thing. You can't love someone who treats you so poorly.

MistressDeeCee · 02/01/2019 14:09

How can you bear to be near such a man?

I hope you do the decent thing and tell this woman he's keeping images of her. I'd tell the ex too if you're all still in touch. Your husband must have been perving on her when they were together. He's no friend.

& then leave him.

He's just a man - he's not God. Women get by in life without unsuitable men by their side, if you love him yes it can take time to get over, but you won't die for lack of him.

I'm not sure if you have a DD but if you do - when she grows up how do you think you'd feel/what advice would you give if she came to you and told you her man was behaving like this?

Men like your husband are harmful to women and it's often the woman they live with that spots the signs of what may be to come.

He has odd impulses, zero respect for women, and the day will come when he acts out whatever further warped fantasies he may have.

He could be out several times weekly stalking women for all you know. I bet he's not out there having a love affair that's for sure..he doesn't like women and whatever he's doing with one will be something sordid.

Stop letting him getaway with it under your nose, if you can't stand up to this creep then get someone alongside you who can.

This is an awful story and situation. I wish I hadn't read post and thread.

Get out for your own sake OP and if you can tip off another woman that she's the subject of an oddbod's obsession, then that would be a good thing for you to do.

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