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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH sulking in spare bedroom; perspective needed

88 replies

myidentitymycrisis · 31/12/2018 22:23

Obviously this is from my perspective only.
I have known my partner for many years and we have had a couple of attempts at being together which failed. This year we got together and have been madly in love. we have had a couple of disagreements, he calls them arguments, which to my mind seem to be me being in the wrong from his perspective, and in which he seems to recede or sulk, for want of a better word, and I capitulate.

Tonight, he cooked dinner and I asked if there were any more veg. he said there weren't and that he hadn't cooked them all in the packet.
apparently i made a face, said i liked veg more than potatoes and implied that he knew that already (or ought to).

A little later he told me he felt hurt by my response and that he had cooked a meal and it was my obligation to appreciate that.
I tried to explain I was only trying to make my needs known (in a clumsy way). and that I understood that if a way I respond to someone is not appropriate then I try and modify my reactions in future. I have a long history of not making my needs known and am in therapy. I am perhaps not assertive in the right way at the right time but I am working on this.

Anyway, after i apologised (which he did not accept as he seemed to feel I defended myself first) i pointed out that he had made remarks earlier in the evening that I found mildly offensive and he had only defended himself, not apologised. His response was that he did not agree that it was offensive. thereby denying my feelings.

silence ensued and then I just thought I am not going to be bullied into apologising by his sulking. I carried on with washing up and then sat by him in silence too. after a while I took out my journal and began to write it next to him and he then went to the spare room where he now is lying on the bed fully clothed, door open and light off, sulking.

is it irretrievable?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 31/12/2018 23:18

I can't believe it - sulking over vegetables? He enjoys creating a crisis out of nothing doesn't he? What's he going to do when there's a genuine problem?

thebaronetofcockburn · 31/12/2018 23:19

At least if you're in Travelodge right now there's a nice bar downstairs with happy people who aren't sulking. I'd go there.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 31/12/2018 23:28

Omg, op, why on earth would you want to be in a relationship with this absolute prick?? Dump the sulky fucking manchild and aim higher next time.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 31/12/2018 23:30

therapy experienced and your needs not being met because you have too little veg. It’s all really unnecessarily dramatic, as is going on about buying bacon and eggs.

I really would end it. You are not good together.

buckingfrolicks · 31/12/2018 23:33

Sulking so visibly like that (door open) is really passive aggressive. You've tried to be a couple before and it didn't work - probably because you don't love each other.

OyOy · 31/12/2018 23:35

I would see the sulking as a red flag tbh - if indeed he is sulking.... because

I think asking if there was more veg is fine.

Buuuuut, if you did pull a face and say that, that's not on really.

Flip it, if a female poster on here said I cooked my OH a meal and before he'd taken a bite, he pulled a face, complained there wasn't enough veg and said that I should've known that I prefered veg over potatoes, implying I didn't takr any notice of him! When I'd jusr cooked him a meal!

AIBU to want to give his dinner in the dog and have some "me" time?

The next time he cooks would've been the time to say, oh remember I prefer veg over pots!

Charron · 31/12/2018 23:44

If he hasn’t got over sulky behaviour at his age he never will, it’s not just about vegetables, there will always be a reason for suckers to sulk.

I lived with a sulker, he wouldn’t speak to me for up to three weeks at a time. He would do this often, so he was more often in a sulk than not. I asked him why he sulked and he told me it was to teach me. Don’t waste your time OP, life is too short to be unhappy and walking on eggshells every single day.

Cornishclio · 31/12/2018 23:45

I think you need to read the book "Don't sweat the small stuff"

zen1 · 31/12/2018 23:45

You can do better - life’s too short.

RhubarbTea · 31/12/2018 23:46

If you're in therapy it might be better for you to not be in a relationship for a bit, as you sound like you are extrapolating pretty swiftly from 'he's having a bit of a sulk to 'is this relationship even salvagable?'. And as others have said the amount of drama over something tiny doesn't sound healthy or normal. In fact it reminds me of my ex and how we couldn't get on and were terrible for each other. It was a toxic relationship.
Maybe just go to sleep and see how you feel in the morning? Smile

SirVixofVixHall · 31/12/2018 23:53

I think you’ve had too much therapy, frankly. Less individualism and focusing on your feelings, more thinking of other people , being kind, and having fun, would make for a much happier life. Too much self examination is not healthy, it just makes people self-centred and entitled.
This is over vegetables. Vegetables. It is honestly ridiculous, you were rude and hurt his feelings, he has gone into a massive sulk. You are like a pair of (over therapied) six year olds, making a huge drama out of thin air.
Go in and tickle him or something, it is new years eve ! Drink some champagne !

LuluJakey1 · 31/12/2018 23:58

It's all a bit trivial to be honest but please, under no circumstances, ever give this man any kind of stake in your house.
My cousin allowed a woman to move in with him. He was doing up his house- which he had owned for almost 20 years. She put a small amount of money into it (vast majority of investment in doing up was his). He did all the work. Split up 5 years later and she took everything out if the house apart from one dining chair and the engine from a Mini Copper he was working on and a toilet roll, then him to court and won a share of his house and forced him to sell. She then bought him out, as he could not buy her out and he is now renting a horrible shabby place a couple of streets away while she now owns his house and her original house.
You are not suited as a couple if you can't manage trivial ups and downs and topics of tension. So please don't let him move in and accrue any claim on your house.

greendale17 · 31/12/2018 23:59

I think you were rude. Told him that he should know you liked veggies more than potatoes. You might have tried to be more assertive but from what you’ve said, it’s just rude.

^I agree

spiderplantsalad · 01/01/2019 00:05

Life's too short surely. You say you've tried being together a few times now and it's not worked out but here you are back again and having drama over some vegetables. I couldn't put up with it. How is this relationship serving either of your needs?

Scott72 · 01/01/2019 00:09

He's only "sulked" (I dislike that term) twice over the past year? If the silent treatment happens frequently then that would be a cause for concern, but twice over a year doesn't seem excessive.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 01/01/2019 00:09

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask the question "are there any more vegetables?" without your partner throwing a massive strop.

Nothing rude about OPs behaviour.

TotesEmoshTerri · 01/01/2019 00:50

It doesn't sound like he was put out by your question but by this!

apparently i made a face, said i liked veg more than potatoes and implied that he knew that already

Why not just take his answer? Instead it seems you dragged it out to make him feel bad.

If my husband asked me for more chips and I said there aren't any, then he threw a paddy saying how much he loved chips, I would be pretty pissed off at him too!

WhenOneDoorClosesAnotherOpens · 01/01/2019 01:36

Are you 'dating' this man so you'll have someone to analyse?

Coyoacan · 01/01/2019 04:35

Sorry, OP, I have to admit I'm like your husband. When I cook I like people to say it is delicious or say nothing. In my family we always praised the meal we were presented with and I always find it hard to cook for someone who just finds fault.

linziepie · 01/01/2019 04:50

I think you do sound rude. He went out of his way to cook for you. You asjedtif there was more veg. There wasn't. This is were it should have ended and you appreciate what he has done. Next time he is planning to make a meal remind him to get a lot of veg.

You made a face and then told him what you like therefore making him feel like shit that you don't like his meal.

I say this because my DP does it. I give him a meal and he will criticise it, not in a horrible way but it's so bloody annoying when I have gone to the effort to cook it.

His sulking sounds ridiculous though but if you do things like this a lot maybe he feels a little hurt?

evenbetter · 01/01/2019 12:53

scott scummy controlling behaviour like sulking is never acceptable.
Hopefully OP is enjoying her life and no longer analysing and pandering to some tedious tantrumming boyfriend.

SummerStrong · 01/01/2019 12:57

If after all these years and a few failed attempts at being together you are still arguing....over something as trivial as vegetables, then I think it's very clear you are not meant to b together.

Life's too short.

larrygrylls · 01/01/2019 13:00

I think you, like a number of people who feel they have not been assertive enough in the past, overcompensate by just being rude and aggressive.

Your partner cooked you a nice meal including veg and potatoes and you lecture him about your ‘needs’ because, I’m your opinion there were not enough veg. Who wouldn’t be upset by this?!

I think you need to learn to be assertive about things that matter but polite and pleasant about things that really don’t! Either say thanks for the meal or cook it the way you like next time (or even boil some veg, it only takes 3 mins).

JennyHolzersGhost · 01/01/2019 13:05

There is too much trying in this relationship. You’ve tried to be together a couple of times before and are now trying again ? Is he the only man left on the planet or something ?

It’s not working. It’s not meant to be this hard. Move on.

Sally2791 · 01/01/2019 13:05

Just don't get financially entangled. Sulkers - especially overt ones leaving the door open to be seen!- are a nightmare.