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Original poster

OH sulking in spare bedroom; perspective needed

88 replies

myidentitymycrisis · 31/12/2018 22:23

Obviously this is from my perspective only.
I have known my partner for many years and we have had a couple of attempts at being together which failed. This year we got together and have been madly in love. we have had a couple of disagreements, he calls them arguments, which to my mind seem to be me being in the wrong from his perspective, and in which he seems to recede or sulk, for want of a better word, and I capitulate.

Tonight, he cooked dinner and I asked if there were any more veg. he said there weren't and that he hadn't cooked them all in the packet.
apparently i made a face, said i liked veg more than potatoes and implied that he knew that already (or ought to).

A little later he told me he felt hurt by my response and that he had cooked a meal and it was my obligation to appreciate that.
I tried to explain I was only trying to make my needs known (in a clumsy way). and that I understood that if a way I respond to someone is not appropriate then I try and modify my reactions in future. I have a long history of not making my needs known and am in therapy. I am perhaps not assertive in the right way at the right time but I am working on this.

Anyway, after i apologised (which he did not accept as he seemed to feel I defended myself first) i pointed out that he had made remarks earlier in the evening that I found mildly offensive and he had only defended himself, not apologised. His response was that he did not agree that it was offensive. thereby denying my feelings.

silence ensued and then I just thought I am not going to be bullied into apologising by his sulking. I carried on with washing up and then sat by him in silence too. after a while I took out my journal and began to write it next to him and he then went to the spare room where he now is lying on the bed fully clothed, door open and light off, sulking.

is it irretrievable?

OP posts:
bookwormsforever · 31/12/2018 22:53

If things are this difficult so early on, end it.

MrsSiba · 31/12/2018 22:54

Good grief. So much angst over something so trivial. I wouldn't try to keep hold of this one. He had left the door open so you can see and you are meant to go in and soothe his ego. Fuck that. It will always be this way. He will never do any wrong (in his eyes).

This is attempt number 3 at being together and something insignificant has led to this? The writing is on the wall.

Original poster
myidentitymycrisis · 31/12/2018 22:54

I may have to end it then. we are not young. I can admit that I make mistakes and will try to change but I can't cope with the sulking and silent treatment.

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 31/12/2018 22:55

not get to eat the food that I need and like for 50% of the time he would need to accept he was manipulating me.. He’s not manipulating you. All you had to do was thank him for cooking the meal but remind him how much you like veg.

If the quantity of veg means that much to you, why didn’t you remind him before he cooked or cook it yourself?

Andrea14 · 31/12/2018 22:56

I'm now divorcing a man that every little thing became a problem it's exhausting. 😧

Cornishclio · 31/12/2018 22:57

A bit of a trivial argument. I think if my DH had cooked me a meal I would have just said thank you. What is the big deal about veg? Are you normally that fussy? He is being an idiot to sulk.

EllaDownTheLane · 31/12/2018 22:58

Sounds exhausting, if it’s this difficult is it worth it?

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 31/12/2018 23:01

Whether or not you were rude (and you weren't tonight), he still shouldn't sulk as it doesn't help anything.
He sounds immature, but worse than that, he's defending himself rather than thinking 'how can we sort this out'. He'd rather score points than work together.

TAMumof3 · 31/12/2018 23:01

The whole post reads like a therapy manual.
Can't the two of your just behave and think normally.
All the over-analysing unqualified psychotherapy approach is utter tosh for your brain and his ears.

AudTheDeepMinded · 31/12/2018 23:02

Blimey, don't have kids with this bloke if neither of you can communicate over a bloody meal...

Bringbackthestrioes · 31/12/2018 23:02

You apologised for pointing out the lack of veg because he was sulking
but then felt the need to bring up comments he had made earlier that you weren’t happy about. Seems very tit for tat and I see no happiness for either of you if you stay together.

Original poster
myidentitymycrisis · 31/12/2018 23:04

wow. its illuminating to see others ideas. I know i cant give every detail but I can see how it is rude of me, I tried to explain that I have always told him veg is my favourite food but because I say I like everything maybe that gets lost. I also gave the example of how he loves bacon and eggs and when I know he is staying the weekend at mine I go out f my way to buy them athough I dont eat that stuff often. I said in my OP that i explained to him that i would try and modify my actions and responses in future. but I think he feels that I gave a generic response and that he requires a more personal subjugation.

OP posts:
IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 31/12/2018 23:06

Yeah nah. Get rid. Too much work.

AudTheDeepMinded · 31/12/2018 23:06

I think both of you need to get a life really. Come on it's New Years Eve and you're agonising over a spat over some veg, seriously, if=s this the sort of evening you envisioned?

Original poster
myidentitymycrisis · 31/12/2018 23:09

no we are old and therapy experienced. we have lives.
I understand I made a tit for tat response.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 31/12/2018 23:10

You really are too soft on him perhaps best if you state.

Oi ! Mush! Make sure my fecking dinner is on the table by 7PM else you can sling your hook at the freakin travel lodge got that stupid!?

Original poster
myidentitymycrisis · 31/12/2018 23:11

I tried to use it as an example of how I didn't sulk but responded to the item in the moment and in a constuctive way.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 31/12/2018 23:12

Sulking in another room? Tell him to fuck off to a hotel. Life is too short to be with sulky man child types.

peekyboo · 31/12/2018 23:12

It sounds as if you talked yourselves into a therapy-induced argument.

But really, lying in a darkened room with the door open? I hope he has smelling salts in there with him. How dramatic!

notangelinajolie · 31/12/2018 23:12

Way too much angst and anger. However DP in spare room means you get the big bed all to yourself which sounds good to me. DH snoring vv loudly ATM does anyone know where I can buy earplugs at 23.10pm on New Year's Eve?

Sorry totally missing the point.

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 31/12/2018 23:13

Sulking in an adult isn't an attractive quality imo.
Assume he does not cook often?

evenbetter · 31/12/2018 23:14

The ONLY point of a relationship is that it’s meant to be fun it’s meant to enhance your life, otherwise what the fuck are you (general) doing?! Stop he handwringing and remove the sulking bore from your property. Aim higher.

thebaronetofcockburn · 31/12/2018 23:14

Oh, god. I had one of those who needed constant praise. I got rid.

TAMumof3 · 31/12/2018 23:17

Eh? - "we are therapy experienced " - well it hasn't done any good if you can't even ask for extra cabbage without world war two breaking out - you might think "we have lives" but really... nothing is in your post other than sudo-pyscho over analysis. Maybe try The power of nout giving a Fuck book instead of the therapy you've had to date.

AwakeNow · 31/12/2018 23:18

A lot of nit picking. Could you not go zap some extra veggies? Why pull faces like a petulant child? I actually think you two sound uncompatable. I just could not get worked up if my dp cooked something I didn't care for, I'd eat what I could and thank them.