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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP’s friend has made me so angry and I need to get it out

58 replies

Boilingboilingrage · 30/12/2018 11:40

As the title says, I really need to get this out as it’s really upsetting me and I can’t seem to calm down. I’ve only been with DP around 18 months and met his friend around 5 times. He’s very hospitable and lives with his girlfriend and 3 sons.

The first time we met he tried some bullshit on me, I think to test my boundaries. DP introduced us and the first thing he said (very loudly in front of a party full of people) was “Just watch out, next thing you know she’ll be missing her pill” I just gave him a death stare and very clearly asked what he meant by that and what was he saying? He tried to brush it off as a joke but given the way I’ve since heard him speak to his girlfriend and about other women, it’s clear he’s got some fairly serious hang ups around women and “trapping”, not contributing, and generally being argumentative and needing to be put in their place.

Last night his girlfriend was telling me about her friend who works for women’s aid. This turned into a huge rant from him about how emotional abuse is all bullshit made up by women who lose an argument and can’t admit they’re wrong.

We had a fairly calm discussion in which I wanted to poke out my own eyes and he used both Donald Trump and Tommy Robinson as cracking examples of why women/the world are just too soft nowadays and all my arguments to the contrary were dismissed.

I can’t seem to calm down. I have finally managed to pin point why it upset me so much. It was the classic abusers spiel. He can’t admit that sexual assault/emotional abuse/domestic violence is an actual problem as then he’d have to accept his own behaviour and recognise that he is an abuser.

The friend tried to pull DP in to agree with him but he wouldn’t be drawn.

DP had all sorts of soothing things to say later and basically said the friend is a product of his upbringing, is entitled to his opinion although he doesn’t agree with it. And that although we’ll never agree he understands I’ll continue to pull up the ignorant fucker whenever I can.

But I’m boiling with rage. I can’t even be normal this morning because I’m so fucked off. We’re supposed to go away today (just me and DP) but I don’t want to go as I hate that he can sit through that level of sexist bigotry and not be raging at the injustice too.

OP posts:
Moonstoned · 30/12/2018 11:45

Well, you’re entirely right to be this angry. Your DP is aiding and abetting this misogynistic horror. His choice of friends is telling you something key about who he is. Is this someone you want to be around? I mean your DP, not his wanker friend.

Shoxfordian · 30/12/2018 11:45

Wow his friend is a dick
Are you sure he doesn't share any of his opinions?
Avoid seeing him in future, let your dp go meet him alone and tell your dp why you're not going

AgentJohnson · 30/12/2018 11:48

Your bf can’t object to his opinions that much if he still hangs out with him. Your anger probably stems from knowing that.

I personally would tell your bf that spending an extended amount of time with someone whose position is polar opposite to your own, is something you won’t be doing in the future.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 30/12/2018 11:48

What Moonstoned said.

Original poster
Boilingboilingrage · 30/12/2018 11:50

DP and I have very different political beliefs. We rub along with that by not discussing it and agreeing to disagree.

If I thought for a single second he thought any of the sexist bullshit his friend clearly does I would be long gone. It is making me question everything though and I can’t stop reliving the fucking conversation. I should have just walked out TBH. you can’t argue with that level of ingrained dickheadery!

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 30/12/2018 11:54

I guess you have to decide where you draw your own personal boundaries and how much value you place on your principals. I have completely cut friends and family out of my life in the past because of views they held that I couldn't stomache. They may be entitled to their opinions but I don't have to listen to them or invite them into my home.

Moonstoned · 30/12/2018 11:56

Well, ‘agreeing to disagree’ on big issues wouldn’t work for me in the context of a serious relationship, but it sounds to me as if you’re already accustomed to having to set aside large chunks of your partner’s ideology which is inimical to you.

Can I ask whether the reason you disagree politically is because some of your DP’s politics align with his repulsive friend’s pro-Trump and EDL views?

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 30/12/2018 11:56

One of my favourite quotes is from Schiller, something like

Against stupidity the gods themselves battle in vain......

oofadoofa · 30/12/2018 12:03

So are you saying, then, that in your serious relationship your partner has to agree with you?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 30/12/2018 12:08

I’m a big fan of judging people by the company they keep. Keep being the operative word. Your DP keeps this man in his life because he wants him there. This man isnt just hanging around like a nasty smell, your DP wants him there. Make of that what you will.

subspace · 30/12/2018 12:08

I'd be angry if I were in your shoes too. I'd also keep his girlfriend close if you can, I'm worried that she might be a victim and need some support at some stage. The men I have had the misfortune of witnessing loudly defending the likes of trump and kavanaugh I strongly suspect to have skeletons in their own closets that they don't want coming to light.

I think it's totally fair, reasonable and the best thing to do to keep your contact with dickhead friend to a minimum. You've probably got a target on your head as far as he's concerned because you're not sitting quietly in the box he thinks women should sit in, and "deserve to be put back in your place" as far as he thinks (obviously that's my assumption, I've no idea if true but one to watch for as I think it will escalate not die down)

As for your boyfriend choosing him as a mate I'd have to question to myself what they they had in common, and if it included stuff that was really not okay with me.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/12/2018 12:09

I think it's up to all decent people to challenge that sort of nasty bullshit - be it misogynistic, racist, whatever. Your boyfriend is a person. The question I'd be asking is, is he a decent one?

It is probably perfectly possible for him to make his own boundaries clear and to maintain the friendship, if that is what he wants. The friend would know not to spew this shit with him present and they'd stick to topics of common interest. Then you'd never have had to experience it. If not possible for the friend to restrain himself, your boyfriend had and has a choice to make.

The notion that hatred against a particular group can be tackled only by members of that group - only BME people may fight racism, people with disabilities disablism, women misogyny - is always a tacit endorsement of the prejudice expressed.

PickAChew · 30/12/2018 12:09

DP and I have very different political beliefs. We rub along with that by not discussing it and agreeing to disagree.

Nothing good comes of having your head in the sand. I couldn't be with someone who held opinions that I disagreed with so vehemently that I couldn't even discuss the subject with them. In a healthy long term relationship you need to be able to have the difficult conversations or else they will drive you apart and erode your respect for each other, at some point.

Postino · 30/12/2018 12:11

On some level your DP likes this man. I'm afraid this wouldn't work for me in a relationship and I'd be out Flowers

Original poster
Boilingboilingrage · 30/12/2018 12:14

He’s definitely more right wing than me but nowhere near as far as his friend (and no EDL warning signs so far). The things we disagree on are things like Brexit and Corbyn. We have discussed at length and he gave me well thought out reasoned arguments for his beliefs and I respect them though I don’t agree. And we don’t do it to death as he won’t change his mind and I won’t change mine.

OP posts:
Stormy76 · 30/12/2018 12:15

Hmm perhaps your DP should meet him without you in the future because I doubt that you challenging this horrible man is going to make one bit of difference to the way he thinks. Perhaps your DP needs to really think about whether he wants to be associated with that kind of a man because people will assume that he thinks the same way.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 30/12/2018 12:15

Firstly, I would refuse to meet up with DP’s dickhead friend any more.

Secondly, I would really question DP’s values. You don’t have to agree with all of a friend’s opinions but if their entire worldview is obnoxious, then you have to wonder what he enjoys about this persons’ company.

Smellbellina · 30/12/2018 12:16

I’m sorry to say I would be wary too. Obviously your partner doesn’t have to agree with you on everything but if you have very different ideologies I would personally find it hard to maintain a happy respectful relationship long term.
Do you think some of your anger is actually towards your DP for not challenging his friends opinions? As if on some level he might agree with them?

buckingfrolicks · 30/12/2018 12:17

You move discussed Brexit and Corbyn ok, now discuss women and sexual harassment and social misogyny and see how you feel about him. I couldn't be intimate with someone right wing tbh

Stormy76 · 30/12/2018 12:17

there is nothing wrong with having different opinions regarding politics with your DP, it sounds like you have reached an agree to disagree point on it ......same as in my household. No point banging on about it if your have different views.

Jaxhog · 30/12/2018 12:18

I couldn't be with someone who held opinions that I disagreed with so vehemently that I couldn't even discuss the subject with them.

This. My DH once worked with someone like this and started socialising with him too. I asked him to drop the guy - he did. I don't think he needed much encouragement to do it tbh. Unfortunately, men can be quite tolerant of the 'blokes will be blokes' types - not understanding how very offensive they are to women.

HollowTalk · 30/12/2018 12:18

Your partner stood by when his friend insulted women. That either means he agrees with his friend or he was too cowardly to argue against him. Either way I wouldn't be interested in that man.

LemonTT · 30/12/2018 12:19

I am all for saying why bother arguing with a dickhead. People will hold unpalatable opinions and we don’t need to be mortally offended all the time by dickhead opinions. However this guy sound goady and domineering. I would just have walked away, shut him down or zoned him out. So I agree with your DP on that point.

But then you don’t go back for more. Your DP needs to wake up to the fact that it’s not the opposing opinion, it is the intent to domineer and offend that is the problem. This man did this to domineer and control your DP and to show all he was top dog. Your DP lets him get away with it. But this man is bullying and he is bullying your DP and you.

Wordthe · 30/12/2018 12:20

Don't wrestle with a pig you both get covered in mud and the pig loves it

Wordthe · 30/12/2018 12:21

Don't even waste your time or your breath talking to this piece of shit he is just drawing fuel from you taking away your energy for his own enjoyment

I would point his girlfriend towards Mumsnet I'm sure she could benefit from some advice on how to deal with this abusive man

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