DP’s friend has made me so angry and I need to get it out

[Boilingboilingrage]

As the title says, I really need to get this out as it’s really upsetting me and I can’t seem to calm down. I’ve only been with DP around 18 months and met his friend around 5 times. He’s very hospitable and lives with his girlfriend and 3 sons.

The first time we met he tried some bullshit on me, I think to test my boundaries. DP introduced us and the first thing he said (very loudly in front of a party full of people) was “Just watch out, next thing you know she’ll be missing her pill” I just gave him a death stare and very clearly asked what he meant by that and what was he saying? He tried to brush it off as a joke but given the way I’ve since heard him speak to his girlfriend and about other women, it’s clear he’s got some fairly serious hang ups around women and “trapping”, not contributing, and generally being argumentative and needing to be put in their place.

Last night his girlfriend was telling me about her friend who works for women’s aid. This turned into a huge rant from him about how emotional abuse is all bullshit made up by women who lose an argument and can’t admit they’re wrong.

We had a fairly calm discussion in which I wanted to poke out my own eyes and he used both Donald Trump and Tommy Robinson as cracking examples of why women/the world are just too soft nowadays and all my arguments to the contrary were dismissed.

I can’t seem to calm down. I have finally managed to pin point why it upset me so much. It was the classic abusers spiel. He can’t admit that sexual assault/emotional abuse/domestic violence is an actual problem as then he’d have to accept his own behaviour and recognise that he is an abuser.

The friend tried to pull DP in to agree with him but he wouldn’t be drawn.

DP had all sorts of soothing things to say later and basically said the friend is a product of his upbringing, is entitled to his opinion although he doesn’t agree with it. And that although we’ll never agree he understands I’ll continue to pull up the ignorant fucker whenever I can.

But I’m boiling with rage. I can’t even be normal this morning because I’m so fucked off. We’re supposed to go away today (just me and DP) but I don’t want to go as I hate that he can sit through that level of sexist bigotry and not be raging at the injustice too.

So are you saying, then, that in your serious relationship your partner has to agree with you?

I would always expect that my partner would agree with basic correct things like "sexism and racism are wrong".

I can see why you're uncomfortable - I would be too. I'd have difficulty dealing with the fact that your DP didn't even attempt to pull up this idiot on his appalling "beliefs" - just let it go.

This sort of misogyny will continue all the while people leave it unchecked - and actually, with twats like that, it's more important that the male friends say something because they twats just don't listen to women, their opinions are worthless.

What's also a concern is how this utter fucknugget will talk about you to your DP - and how your DP is likely to respond to him badmouthing you. I wouldn't put any faith in your DP standing up to him, however much/little he agrees with what he says, and for that reason I'd re-think the entire relationship.

As the saying goes - evil thrives where good people do nothing (heavily paraphrased because I can't remember it exactly)

You can still be friends with someone and enjoy their company even if they do or believe things you don't you know. The issue here is not your husband but the big mouthed friend who needs to wind his neck in in public

And I must say, I always find the phrase 'entitled to his opinion' so very strange - and wrong, actually. It's the word 'entitled' that scuppers that phrase.

Yes, one is free to think what one wishes, to be as self-deluding and ignorant as one wishes. Freedom and entitlement are not quite the same thing though. Entitlement implies endorsement by others. Titles and entitlements are always bestowed by others. They imply a right or power over other people, an 'entitlement to...' have something (silence, complicity, respect, freedom from ridicule?), from others. These words have no meaning outside this context.

Thus the phrase 'entitled to his opinion' privileges bullshit.

People have a 'freedom to' think and believe whatever they wish. They do not have a freedom to impose their beliefs on others. They do not have a 'freedom from' criticism or other implications of that thought or belief, unless that has been negotiatied with others.

It's the tacit negotiation with your BF and the entitlement he has granted his friend, to spew this shit in his and your direction, that would bother me here.

Hmm, we're known by the company we keep . . .

I would not be going if this friend is going to be there, and would not want to be around someone like that.

I have to agree with buckingfrolics, agreeing to disagree on Brexit is very different to disagreeing on misogyny. I suspect your bf’s views aren’t as far from his friends as you’d like and that is your worry.

DP and I have very different political beliefs. We rub along with that by not discussing it and agreeing to disagree.

This won’t be possible forever, you’ve just reached your first stumbling block and they’ll get higher and harder the longer you have to ‘agree to disagree’. Your DP is complicit in his friend’s attitude and behaviour by minimising.

Your DP is aiding and abetting this misogynistic horror.

The current pattern of masculinity and patriarchy works for no one. But matters won't improve until men pull up other men and help them to improve.

Your partner stood by when his friend insulted women. That either means he agrees with his friend or he was too cowardly to argue against him.
Or, he knows that his friend won't back down and so doesn't bother wasting the oxygen required to argue, or, he thinks that OP is perfectly capable of sticking up for herself and doesn't need a big man to protect her (thus no doubt justifying friend's opinion in friend's head).
Pretty much everyone has something good about them. You can choose to be friends with that part of them and hope that your behaviour & opinions rub off on them over time. Far better chances than arguing or avoiding them.

I couldn't go out with someone who keeps company like this. What redeeming features does your boyfriends friend have? Your boyfriend probably shares the same views and sees you as a hysterical woman. I used to debate with douchebags like that but I now realise i don't owe anyone a debate about anything. I hope you realise the same

A relationship tends to work because both parties share similar values, behaviours and beliefs.

If you are not right wing there are going to be problems! How long can you really go on agreeing to disagree? There will be a topic that becomes breaking point. Also, I suspect your BF agrees with some of the views of his delightful friend.

As previous poster says, he chooses to keep company with this man.

Or, he knows that his friend won't back down and so doesn't bother wasting the oxygen required to argue, or, he thinks that OP is perfectly capable of sticking up for herself and doesn't need a big man to protect her (thus no doubt justifying friend's opinion in friend's head).

No, that argument doesn't work. If you don't think it's worth wasting the oxygen to argue with a bigoted dickhead, you walk away and make a decision not to waste any more time with him. And no matter how much you think the other person involved is capable of sticking up for herself, you make it clear that you agree with her - keeping quiet just sounds like you're either condoning his attitudes or you're too scared to contradict him.

OP don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. If you think your relationship has a real future and your differences aren’t a bar to that give your BF a chance. Go NC with his friend and maybe your BF will eventually limit his contact. Many men seem to be desensitised to others’ objectionable views, maybe because they don’t really listen to them. If you feel your BF harbours much the same mysogenistic views then run, fast

I can understand your anger and also think it is largely because your dp said nothing. Not quite the correct quote as on this I prefer paraphrase “bad things happen if good people do nothing”.

The guy sounds awful. @Wordthe's advice about not wrestling with pigs sounds very sensible. I don't think that your DP necessarily shares these views as some PPs have suggested. DOI: I am a man, which I gather from earlier threads is something that I should declare early on.

The company people keep is a very good indication of who they are. I have lost respect and distanced myself from people I previously liked because they proved themselves to be either spectacularly ignorant or a closest bigot during brexit

For me it would depend on where your dp 'wouldn't be drawn in' or did he share his opinion on the subject.
Keeping quiet and letting him talk at you like that wouldn't have gone down well with me.

He sat back and watched while his friend insulted you

I wouldn't socialise with the friend. Does your partner see him so often that this would present a major problem?

The issue that remains even if you do this, though, is that this friend will drip poison in his ear about you - will always be ready to encourage your partner in thinking the worst of you. That could potentially have quite a corrosive effect.

I think relationships depend on shared values, rather than shared opinions.

Political differences can be about different views on ways to achieve similar things - universal prosperity and justice, say. Different values and deep-seated attitudes - be those about valuing people differently, caring about animals, or about levels of risk-taking with money - are the things that are really hard to reconcile in a relationship.

This incident is about values, not opinions.

Big talk with BF needed I think.

I bet a penny to a pound that if they are together as friends without partners present, your DH is as vile as he is. That is just how male friendships work and you gotta get used to it. As long as he's nice with you around who cares

My husband had a friend like this(more of an acquaintance).

He dumped him when he realised what a twat he was (made a racist, sexist comment directed towards someone same race as me.)

totes yeah who cares if he only pretends to be a decent person?

Anything for a quiet life, eh.

Some of us have higher expectations for ourselves.

yeah who cares if he only pretends to be a decent person?

That is not even vaguely the case. A lot of totally nice normal people turn into braggards, dicks or whatever when hanging out with their friends, both male and female. It's called context.