Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Phone call

85 replies

newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 29/12/2018 22:16

Tonight my dh had a call. He said he would phone them back.
Told me it was 'our best man' and I was not to be in ear shot or make a noise.
Thing is we haven't heard from our best man since the summer apart from a text on Christmas Day due to mental health issues we either hear from him day after day or we don't for a long time as he is in a mental health unit and I wouldn't think he'd phone if in that frame of mind.
Normally our best man has never asked for me to be out of ear shot. When I heard my dh say I will call you when I am back at work I started deliberately coughing because I don't think the phone call was genuine and it was not our best man. When he said good bye he called me an arse. I said if it was our best man I should not feel to be quiet in our own home, because he knows I know about his issues. This doesn't sound good does it? I also notice he has been on his phone a lot and changing 'in bed' too. And now I don't know what to think anymore I thought we were happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 30/12/2018 20:49

@SwordofGryffindor
No we all have passwords including our dd.
We do have find my I phone and I've noticed once or twice locations turned off, before Christmas I told him to turn it back on which he did. I didn't think too much of it until last night actually.
He had been asleep all afternoon and the moment he woke up straight on his phone which, did not impress me and I asked him what was so urgent that he couldn't speak to me first.

OP posts:
SummerGems · 30/12/2018 20:53

For those saying that it’s understandable the DH would want to call his friend when OP not around, that’s all very well, except according to the OP the DH said he would ring back when at work? So unless he works in a soundproof room with no other people he’s going to be giving this friend even less privacy at work isn’t he? So the reasoning doesn’t fit.

I’m not generally a suspicious type tbh, but something about it is off, although I’m reticent to think OW as he would have to be very brazen to speak to an OW in the same room as his wife. But could it be some kind of sexual service perhaps? An escort service? Or somewhere he gets access to bdsm type porn if the sexual changes are anything to go by?

tinesltitties · 30/12/2018 20:56

Your replies to the OP are horrible. Who do you think you are talking to her like that?

Oh come on. It started off me having a different opinion to me having to defend my right to that opinion. I didn't mean anything other than that was what I thought. I have already acknowledged I picked up the OP wrong about her feelings towards the best man. I don't think I am anyone, other than an ordinary person who doesn't always see things the same way, and struggles to articulate things online.

Stop replying unless it is to help OP which she is here for.

And you don't get to tell me when to stop replying. Rather interestingly though, I had already decided to stop after my last post, but you goaded me into further replying.

Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 30/12/2018 20:58

Interesting thought @SummerGems I have been wondering about porn for him to suddenly change sexual preferences. There are things I've said I'm not happy with in the past as i often struggle with pain, which means I cannot be as adventurous or spontaneous as I would like. So yes could be a possibility.

OP posts:
Elaisa · 30/12/2018 21:02

For me the D-day was almost 5 years ago and we seperated at the end of February. He could have gone back to his parents but they lived 100 km away and he had a work here. Actually the company was having troubles and he wasn't getting paid for months so I didn't have a heart to make him leave.

We were living together after we broke off and he was in a relationship with OW. I wanted to get back at her so we still had sex sometimes. I even helped him to choose a hotel when they were meeting, he couldn't bring her to my home and she lived far away. Somehow he had money for that Hmm

I was thinking that she won the battle, but I would like to win the war. That was stupid of me of course. It's easy when people are saying don't do 'pick me dance', but it's much harder when you are in this situation. Lesson learnt, wouldn't do that again!

Since she was leaving the country for the summer, we somehow got back together and we are still mulling around to this day. Actually he got off pretty easy. But his still OH, we're not married. I bought a flat that's only in my name because I don't want to feel that I have to be with him because of finances (renting here costs a fortune, but I can manage mortage on my own). I have kept my/our day to day bills low so I know that if the relationship broke down I can still survive on my own.

We still don't have kids. I'm becoming 30 next year and it's about time but I'm still not sure about him. There have been few times when I admitted that we shouldn't gone back together, at least to myself and to my closest friends. The heartache easened by mid April and I even had a little fling while I was single.

I can see that in some ways we are fundamentally unsuitable. And it's not only because of him, I have a part in this too. For him it's the sex and for me it's the lack of emotional support. He drinks a little too much to my liking and I do 90% of domestic work. We have our good days and sometimes we have a laugh and fool around, but we're not a team. I have decided I'll give it a year or two and when I still feel the same, I have to find my big girl pants and stop the show. I think I'm pretty good example of sunken cost fallacy.

If it is an OW, try to be smarter than me. And I know how easy it is to write it on a public forum and how hard it is to actually act on it! Still, keep your cards close to your chest if you find anything. I snooped a LOT and didn't feel bad about it. It's not like he would have come clean, he didn't have my best intrests in his heart. He even made long term plans while he had an affair, I don't know how long he would have kept going if I didn't found out. And you also have your DC to consider. If he is cheating he isn't your friend anymore, you can't count on him. But do know that you'll always have your friends, family and MN on your side. Feel free to PM me if your not ready to tell anybody in RL.

Mightymoke · 30/12/2018 21:15

Ask him if you can use his phone because yours is out of battery. Get his pin that way. If its been changed by following day he's up to something.

SwordofGryffindor · 30/12/2018 21:19

Tinesl. You need some positivity in your life as your trying to take something out on us here. Stop being mean and move on.

No problem OP. Cheers and happy New year's to you hun!

SwordofGryffindor · 30/12/2018 21:21

OP. I get the kids not having passwords for your phone! But even my parents know theirs. I know my dad's. It's for when in the car if I need to use his phone or any emergencies.

Unless you asked him about passwords before I wouldn't look much into it then though

DianaT1969 · 30/12/2018 23:41

but he claimed it was my best man who he has not bothered to contact even when we had no anniversary card which is not like him.
I call BS on this. Who expects a wedding anniversary card from a friend who is in a mental health unit??😳
Most people don't even get one from their spouse.

MumsyJ · 31/12/2018 03:37

Does he give you feedback or outcome of his supposed calls from the best man? If not, something is fishy. Perhaps suggest to give best man a ring and then see how he reacts to that.
The constant be quiet is rather disrespectful, you're not an uncontrollable child.

Kennycalmit · 31/12/2018 03:55

Why must he have find my iPhone turned on? Confused what gives you the right to demand to know where he is all the time???

He’s an adult. You don’t need to know his where abouts 24/7. If you do, then you shouldn’t be with him as you obviously don’t trust him

Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 31/12/2018 10:17

@DianaT1969 because it's the normal thing he does is send cards. It might not be the norm to you, but because it's his 'thing' that he used to do that is why I was concerned for his welfare even my mil said that wasn't right for him not to send cards as they know him as well as we do.

OP posts:
Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 31/12/2018 10:20

@Kennycalmit it was his idea actually not mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 31/12/2018 12:35

Oh and re checking his phone. Had an excellent idea after watching Eastenders the other night. Wait till asleep. Press thumb on phone (he's heavy sleeper) . He is still refusing to tell me what his friend was talking about so I feel now I have to check his call log. I don't want to disturb friend if He is genuinely in this bad state. I've been having panic attacks in the night again and if I have to snoop call log to put mind at rest, that's what I have to do.

OP posts:
2019rubberband · 31/12/2018 12:46

Oh and re checking his phone. Had an excellent idea after watching Eastenders the other night. Wait till asleep. Press thumb on phone

Oh fgs OP. This is not normal behaviour.

TSSDNCOP · 31/12/2018 13:19

Oh and re checking his phone. Had an excellent idea after watching Eastenders the other night. Wait till asleep. Press thumb on phone

OP you've gone round the bend.

glitterypink · 31/12/2018 13:43

I think we tend to just know when something is wrong.
I personally don't think it's a bad idea that you check his phone, if you suspect something you won't rest until you know.
I did the same. And unfortunately had my suspicions confirmed.

beansontoastfortea · 31/12/2018 13:55

The thumb thing is genius op! Grin I may not be 'normal' but fuck me id do it if it was the only way I could find what was going on... it's not like you're doing it from 'nothing' he didn't offer you respect when he made you keep quiet in your own home.

Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 31/12/2018 15:02

@2019rubberband and what would you do then.

OP posts:
Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 31/12/2018 15:03

@TSSDNCOP no I just don't like being lied too

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 31/12/2018 15:48

So you’re crouched by the side of the bed, holding a phone emitting a glow in the dark, you’ve got DH’s thumb in your hand poised over the home key.

And he wakes up.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/12/2018 15:52

OK so what’s happened with the thumb on phone trick, I’m anxious, but curious.

SwordofGryffindor · 31/12/2018 16:06

Jaysus don't do that op. Watch and find out the password when he puts it in

Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 31/12/2018 16:07

Yeah on second thoughts maybe I should stop watching Eastenders.

OP posts:
LadyOfTheCanyon · 31/12/2018 16:08

Have you had a name change fail OP?