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Original poster

Phone call

85 replies

newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 29/12/2018 22:16

Tonight my dh had a call. He said he would phone them back.
Told me it was 'our best man' and I was not to be in ear shot or make a noise.
Thing is we haven't heard from our best man since the summer apart from a text on Christmas Day due to mental health issues we either hear from him day after day or we don't for a long time as he is in a mental health unit and I wouldn't think he'd phone if in that frame of mind.
Normally our best man has never asked for me to be out of ear shot. When I heard my dh say I will call you when I am back at work I started deliberately coughing because I don't think the phone call was genuine and it was not our best man. When he said good bye he called me an arse. I said if it was our best man I should not feel to be quiet in our own home, because he knows I know about his issues. This doesn't sound good does it? I also notice he has been on his phone a lot and changing 'in bed' too. And now I don't know what to think anymore I thought we were happy.

OP posts:
Thetruthwillout80 · 29/12/2018 23:03

I had this with an ex.

I walked in when he was on the phone. He got all fidgety and said he was on the phone to his mum.

I went in the other room and rang his mum... surprise, suprise, it wasn't engaged!

I found out it was someone he'd been sleeping with behind my back for a long time.

Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 29/12/2018 23:14

@beansontoastfortea it was a really posh bottle of whiskey and posh glass. He didn't have one from the main building he works in most of time and has worked in for a long time.

OP posts:
beansontoastfortea · 29/12/2018 23:20

I feel like something is up, that's a very posh gift... Although my partner received a set of whiskey glasses for 5 years of employment...

Seems like you don't have any concrete evidence right now but if you're worried I would keep your cards very close to your chest and not let on your suspicions right now

Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 29/12/2018 23:26

I'm glad I am not imagining it it was also the changes in bed that alarmed me. He started doing some domineering positions last night that we have never discussed or talked about. I said what was he doing because I do not like hands around my throat during sex when we have never even discussed making changes. He did apologise for not discussing it with me, but now with the phone call tonight I feel a bit on edge and suspicious

OP posts:
Weenurse · 29/12/2018 23:38

Good luck 💐 this does sound suspicious

Hezz · 30/12/2018 00:25

Meh ask him to show you his phone.

user14869556378 · 30/12/2018 01:06

It baffles me when people don't know their husbands / wives pass codes! I find that odd / suspicious in itself, even just for practical reasons such as for music, or to send a text if the other is driving . I hate game playing but you've already indicated to him you are suspicious so he's probably going to wipe his phone for a while. You either ask him out right now to see the phone or you have to bide your time and wait for him to relax and drop the ball - if he's up to something that is.

Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 30/12/2018 08:55

We had a massive row about it when he came up to bed. He didn't like the fact I said 'if it was him' after the phone call this behaviour just proves to me it wasn't him.

OP posts:
tinesltitties · 30/12/2018 09:15

He didn't like the fact I said 'if it was him' after the phone call this behaviour just proves to me it wasn't him.
Mall that proves is he doesn't like you making snide comments this

whynot93 · 30/12/2018 10:41

Sorry, changes in bed big fat red flag. Do some digging

Elaisa · 30/12/2018 11:10

Some years ago my OH's phone rang on a weeknight, I think it was nearly 11 PM. We were living in a one bedroom flat, I was in the bedroom and he was in the living room.

I noticed from his voice that the caller wasn't his mom or best friend. But normally they would have called so late only if there was an emergency.

I sat next to him while he was still speaking. When the call ended, I asked who it was and he told me it was a friend from uni (mature student studies, he was there for a week in one month, quite far away from home). I told him I saw the name when he ended the call. He then said that it was a mistress of that uni friend and she wanted to know if the friends wife know about their affair.

By that time I knew he was lying. I had it all figured out less than 24h later. I knew her name and it took a little time when I had all the pieces together, but I confronted him about 5 weeks later using printed screenshots from their text conversation. I needed that time to get my ducks in a row. I got blamed I snooped. He (and my closest friends) were suprised I could keep qiuet for so long, but I was playing the long game.

His behaviour on the previous weeks before the call was similar than your DH's. I had a niggling feeling long before I found out. I'm not saying it's the same with you, but I wouldn't be too suprised if he made his (first) mistake that day. Bide your time and keep an eye of the situation.

Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 30/12/2018 13:26

Thanks@Elaisa sharing your experience
It must have been agonising Sad
He accused me during an argument at bed time that I stop him from having friends and he does not want to be accused of cheating.
I said I haven't stopped your friendship with our best man you couldn't be arsed to phone him despite lack of birthday and anniversary cards and not hearing from him since the summer , and yet it's not even a normal friendship because he is only in touch when mentally unstable.
He has literally ignored me most of this morning and is digging a very big hole for himself if he continues with it.

OP posts:
tinesltitties · 30/12/2018 17:05

He accused me during an argument at bed time that I stop him from having friends and he does not want to be accused of cheating.

Well, your reaction to a phone call was very extreme.

I said I haven't stopped your friendship with our best man you couldn't be arsed to phone him despite lack of birthday and anniversary cards and not hearing from him since the summer , and yet it's not even a normal friendship because he is only in touch when mentally unstable.

You realise this is because of his mental illness?

He has literally ignored me most of this morning

I'm not surprised tbh. You sound incredibly difficult to be around

and is digging a very big hole for himself if he continues with it.

Or you are. Be careful what you wish for and all that.

.

Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 30/12/2018 18:27

@tinesltitties
It seems that is your opinion which i do not have to accept
If you don't have anything useful to say I'd gladly say ta da love

OP posts:
Elaisa · 30/12/2018 18:36

tinesltitties have you ever been cheated? I can say how it was for me. We had been on and off since we were teenagers. By that time we had been on for 5 years. I was still in my mid 20s. We had beed living together for a year. We weren't married, we didn't had kids, we basically had seperate finances. Hell, we didn't even owned a vacuum together!

We were having a rough patch before I found out. It had been so bad that I almost wished he had an affair so I would be absolutly sure about the seperation. Well, it wasn't like that when all came to the daylight. I was trying to be the best I ever had before I confronted him. I wanted to know if he would choose me. Do you know how hard was not to slap him when he said that he is going to do x when I knew he was creating an opportunety to speak to her/see her?

Later I found out that they had an ongoing thing, they first kissed when he was still doing his first semester. That didn't happen every time when he was at uni, it was also on and off. Gradually it developed into full emotional affair whit some physical action as well. I sensed that something was diffrent from the first week he was there.

I presume OP is in a different positsion. It is likely that they have DC and shared finances. They have probably been together for a long time and she knows him well. She definetly knows when something is off. It is common that the cheater is gaslighting his/her OH. You know that something is wrong but 99% of people don't end their relationship on a gut feeling. But your OH says that you are imagining things. You don't know what's black or what's white. You are going crazy but you can't tell why.

You don't even know 1% of her life or her relationship. What about emphaty? Do you really think she needs to read that she is out of order? I don't think she is even if his not cheating..

tinesltitties · 30/12/2018 19:55

It seems that is your opinion which i do not have to accept

Well of course it's my opinion. That's what you get when you ask a question on an Internet forum. Opinions. You quite literally asked for it!

If you don't have anything useful to say I'd gladly say ta da love

You mean if I don't agree with you? If I post that possibly it's not as you think? If I have a different opinion?

'Ta da love' Hmm

Okay!

Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 30/12/2018 19:57

Thank you @Elaisa
And yes you are bang on re shared finances and dc. However I am starting a job in the new year, so will have something to fall back on if it is an ow. If it isn't then it will be nice to have extra for holidays And other things.

However you are definitely right about gaslighting esp when he came up to bed last night saying I don't let him have friends, yet moaning that I've invited people over for New Years - yawn.

Are you still with your dh did you work things out or have you separated?

OP posts:
tinesltitties · 30/12/2018 20:03

You don't even know 1% of her life or her relationship. What about emphaty?

You are correct, I know nothing of the OP relationship, other than what she told us. That's pretty standard for a question on an Internet forum. I answered it as I saw. Pretty black and white. That's how I see things. Not sure why replying to a 'could this be something' question requires a massive amount of empathy. Perhaps it's because I explained why it could easily be nothing.

On the subject of empathy, OP has absolutely none for her DH friend, good friend, who was his best man. The guy has serious mental health problems and she spoke about his illness with contempt.

I suppose if the OP had showed some sort of understanding of mental illness it might have been easier to show the OP more understanding herself.

tinesltitties · 30/12/2018 20:04

he came up to bed last night saying I don't let him have friends, yet moaning that I've invited people over for New Years - yawn

But OP, is it true? You say yawn, but have you invited people over? Does he ever get to see his friends?

Whathappensnext2018 · 30/12/2018 20:07

I smell a rat op

Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 30/12/2018 20:34

@tinesltitties seriously you don't have a clue if I have empathy I've done my fair share of becoming people's 'free' counselling services over the years, so I wouldn't say I don't have empathy.
As I said at the beginning I was 'concerned' about our best man because we had not had birthday cards, anniversary cards, texts or phone calls for three months. I have spent the last month telling dh to contact him which he was cold hearted about in case he was 'ages' on the phone and you say I don't have empathy.
So that is why, I was concerned because he has refused to call him yet could suddenly speak to him late last night when he allegedly 'phoned'.

OP posts:
tinesltitties · 30/12/2018 20:37

Ok. I guess I picked it up incorrectly then.

SwordofGryffindor · 30/12/2018 20:37

Tinesl. I just came across this site today looking for ways to help a friend.

Your replies to the OP are horrible. Who do you think you are talking to her like that?

As someone who is mentally ill I take no offence. Some mentally ill people are horrible to their friends.

Stop replying unless it is to help OP which she is here for.

SwordofGryffindor · 30/12/2018 20:38

OP. My exbf did this too. And the anger is such a common trait for when they're scared of getting caught! Is there no way you don't know his password ?? I know my boyfriends and he knows mine !

Original poster
newyearsresolutionsarecrap · 30/12/2018 20:45

Thank you @SwordofGryffindor. Welcome to mumsnet

OP posts: