Should I let him go?

[badgerread]

I've been with my DP for 6 years. We're both 47 and divorced. We have two DS each (15, 14, 13 & 9), we don't live together as logistics have just never really worked with school and work etc. He lives an hour's drive from me.

He is lovely to me and I feel maybe don't deserve him. I have lived on my own for 9 years and am very independent. I work full time and although money is tight my DS and I have everything we need.

DP stays with me the 50% he doesn't have his children and it works well, I still have my independence but also get to see him. However I like my I dependence a little too much lately and have looked forward to him going home. I also feel guilty because my libido has gone out of the window over the last couple of years since I was sterilised but more so in the last year. I just don't want it, I don't feel like it at all and feel pressured every time he mentions it. I started HRT a month ago as I'm perimenopausal, this has relieved all my symptoms apart from the lack of sex drive. He says he is fine about it but he can't be. I just don't know whether to let him go and be with someone who could make him happy. As I get older I seem to have become more selfish and only care about me and my children.

He has had his own business for 2 years which he's enjoying but he's always complaining about having no money. He's earning around £60k pa now rather than the £80k he was before. I hosted Christmas this year and there were 12 of us. He contributed a bottle of red and 4 pints of milk..

We just don't have fun anymore. I'm on my own this weekend as he has his boys and mine are with their DF. I'm loving the time by myself even though I was invited to his..

I don't really know what advice I'm looking for. It seems to have turned to friendship and I just don't know what to do for the best..

Wine +milk?? Tightfistedness would affect my libido also.
Time to part imo.

😀 I know Santa! he has always been a little on the tight side which doesn't help either...

It's such a refreshing change to read an OP from a woman who knows she doesn't actually NEED a man to be happy.

His tightfistedness at xmas would put me off sex with him for a kick off! the time he spends at yours - does he contribute financially? Buy food, etc;

Anyway, if you feel relief when he leaves, I think it's over. You don't owe him a relationship.

Suggest a week end away, give him a run down of costs, equal of course. Await his response and make your decision. Likely you know his reaction already op?

Thanks Queen..
He pays £100 a month when he's here towards food and utilities.

The thing I'd miss most I think is the social scene you tend you be involved in when you're part of a couple? I don't think I got invited anywhere by my coupley friends between my ex and I splitting up and getting together with DP. Once he arrived on the scene it definitely changed!

You sound like you're about done with him, tbh.

I think you could be right Santa, although he'd know something was up if I suggested that as I'm a little bit broke after Christmas 😂

Maybe an invoice for 50% of Christmas costs then???!

There's nothing wrong with a relationship running its course Op. If your relationship has run it's course, fine, tell him.

From your post I am not sure why the lack of physical activity or your DP's spending habits get a mention.

Regarding christmas. You hosted so he was a guest or what? What were your discussions beforehand about it?

At the end of the day you don't respect him, aren't having much sex with him (or seem to want any) and don't really want him about. I'd say you are done.

Hop, he was here for a week over Christmas. I emailed everyone coming to ask if they could bring a contribution of cheese, or dessert, or crackers, or whatever they fancied, which they did.

Apart from him..

Maybe he fancied some wine or is a that not good enough? Were guests also asked to bring their own booze as well? You can get quite a lot of cheese for the price of a decent bottle of red. Sounds a bit PA to me I'm afraid, better to be clear up front.

But as I said sounds like you don't care for the man anyway so just end it.

I think it's over. You sound irritated and indifferent. I'd let him enjoy New Year with his family, and then go and tell him.

And the "coupley friends" who eschew you when you're single should be kicked into the long grass while you're at it! That's not true friendship.

Super, I think that's the plan to be honest, and you're right about the friends thing too...

It's over. His whinging and being cheap would be the death knell for me. Very unattractive. Let him go. The relationship has run its course and you need to end things as you want to focus more on some personal goals and your kids. No idea why so many women would rather be in some flat relationship flogging a dead horse than be single.

I don't know if you should break it off all together. You might just be annoyed by him at the moment / relationships go in phases. Could you reduce contact until you have made up your mind?

Think of a reason not to see him next week and have a bit more time to yourself to see how it feels and think it over.

You sound irritated and indifferent

Lightbulb moment! I've recently ended a relationship of 19 months....couldn't articulate to myself how I felt about him at the end, but that's it! irritated and indifferent. Much better to let people go and be free to find someone else than hang onto them for your convenience.

OP, resolve to find new friends in 2019.

There's nothing wrong with a relationship running its course Op.

This is so true. Not all relationships are 'forever' - and we do all relationships a disservice to treat them as such, and to judge them as such.

I've had some lovely relationships that have lasted less than a couple of years. We just weren't compatible enough to last longer, but we had a good time while things were going well.

Sounds like you're really clear, and that's half the battle won, imo :)

I had this. Saw a nice man who was really tight with his money. I paid for loads of stuff. I paid for his birthday meal, my birthday meal. Asked him several times to contribute a tenner to a friends charity do. Put up with it for so long then got rid after the Christmas period . He’d never change although managed to gamble regularly. Plenty more fish in the sea Op !

OP, I could have written this: my sympathies! In a relationship with a lovely man for a similar length of time. We don’t live together, and each have children from previous relationships. He’s a great boyfriend, certainly we get on better than any previous relationship I’ve had. But I just crave time alone, I don’t miss him when we’re apart (he says he misses me, which makes me feel both guilty and abnormal). I’m fiercely independent, and there are so many things I want to do over the coming year, which sadly don’t involve him.

Like you, my children give me all I need. When I’m not with them, I don’t feel the need to be with him. Friends and family would think I’ve taken leave of my senses if I broke up with him: I’m not easy to get along with, and they think he’s a saint to put up with me. The perimenopause has hit me hard and in similar ways to you, which also makes me hesitate to make the break as in the back of my head is the niggling thought that it’s the HRT that’s making me withdraw; I’m certainly feeling less sociable these days.

What I’m saying is I’m afraid I don’t have any advice, but you’re certainly not alone! Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel? Is he happy for you to spend time alone?

OMG Lettuce! really?

The point you make about your family thinking you'd lost your senses in breaking up with him is also EXACTLY the same as me, they absolutely love him but do (kind of) know how I feel but say in a roundabout way you can't have everything in a relationship so may as well put up with it...

My children would miss him dreadfully which is also a concern of mine plus the fact I'm just not interested in sex which is horrible for him.

Like you, I want to do lots next year. With my children or on my own. I have my house, my job and my children. That's all I need...

He is happy for me to spend time on my own but doesn't understand why I do, he doesn't get why I don't want to spend all my spare time with him...

He wants more of your time so HE can spend less cash op.

I’m afraid so. Our situations sound very similar.

It’s good that he doesn’t put pressure on you to spend more time with him,- I feel pretty pressurised a lot of the time. The thing is, the evenings I don’t have my children are the only times I can go out and do what I want to do, and there’s so much to do! My boyfriend ends up feeling pushed out.

I swing from worrying I’m too selfish, to feeling suffocated. Then I feel guilty! Why can’t I be happy with this man who loves me?!

Luckily (I think?), I don’t think my children would be too affected if we were to split, we don’t tend to spend loads of time with each other’s children.

I also get what you say about your social life lessening when you’re not in a couple, that’s been my experience as well. Kind of annoying......

I, too, could have written this post...the only difference is that my boyfriend of three years and I do have great sex and he is very generous with money when he has it.which isn't always as he is self employed. but otherwise irritated and indifferent which makes me feel even more weird considering the great sex. I can't articulate how I feel either..my friends and family think he's great and he is so loving and affectionate. He would like us to move in together..get married...I can't imagine ever wanting that with anybody. I am fiercely independent, have three needy children of my own, all of whom have health problems, and I just don't want to take on his children and their problems. That sounds so selfish, but he would be broken hearted if I ended it and I just don't know how to do it...and if anyone asked me why..I don't know what I would say.... no advice op, but I empathise.