Should I let him go?

[badgerread]

I've been with my DP for 6 years. We're both 47 and divorced. We have two DS each (15, 14, 13 & 9), we don't live together as logistics have just never really worked with school and work etc. He lives an hour's drive from me.

He is lovely to me and I feel maybe don't deserve him. I have lived on my own for 9 years and am very independent. I work full time and although money is tight my DS and I have everything we need.

DP stays with me the 50% he doesn't have his children and it works well, I still have my independence but also get to see him. However I like my I dependence a little too much lately and have looked forward to him going home. I also feel guilty because my libido has gone out of the window over the last couple of years since I was sterilised but more so in the last year. I just don't want it, I don't feel like it at all and feel pressured every time he mentions it. I started HRT a month ago as I'm perimenopausal, this has relieved all my symptoms apart from the lack of sex drive. He says he is fine about it but he can't be. I just don't know whether to let him go and be with someone who could make him happy. As I get older I seem to have become more selfish and only care about me and my children.

He has had his own business for 2 years which he's enjoying but he's always complaining about having no money. He's earning around £60k pa now rather than the £80k he was before. I hosted Christmas this year and there were 12 of us. He contributed a bottle of red and 4 pints of milk..

We just don't have fun anymore. I'm on my own this weekend as he has his boys and mine are with their DF. I'm loving the time by myself even though I was invited to his..

I don't really know what advice I'm looking for. It seems to have turned to friendship and I just don't know what to do for the best..

I too could have written this post 7 months ago but without the lack of sex.

Irritated and indifferent definitely summed up my feelings towards my ex partner. I too preferred time alone and with my children. Didn't feel he really brought anything to my life and was desperate for him to leave at the end of a weekend or whenever he stayed.

I didn't end things as soon as I should have. It got pretty sour with him accusing me of all sorts, got quite nasty and I've only just now finally stopped getting nasty messages from him despite putting my big girl pants on and ending it with him in August.

My only regret is that I didn't tell him sooner. Life is so much sweeter without a man to worry about. I have my kids, my house, my dog and that's all I need to make me content. I can't imagine ever wanting a conventional relationship again.

Simon, how did your children feel about your relationship ending? mine see him more than their own DF so I worry about the effect on them, particularly DS9..

I'd kept him almost completely out of their lives so very different situation in that sense. I mean he'd met them and he'd come round to watch films and stuff occasionally with us but they had absolutely no attachment to him and I just got pissed off with him encroaching on our family time.

Ah another one here! Im going through very similar! Very inspiring reading these posts. Been together 20 months or so. He lives 2 hours away so time spent together for long weekends. Eventually I felt pressured when I said I wanted time to myself and DS ..even with the long distance! He seriously started getting on my nerves, not understanding why Id prefer to be on my own! I've my own house and been very independent for many many years. He had only been divorced a few years so had never had a long period by himself.

We had great sex, he was generous but the sulking and pressure finally did it. I ended it but kinda took him back. God the pleading and over melodramatic acts of undying love etc! But still ended up being a needy git 😣

Im away on hols at the moment without him and now realise its for the best if its over. I too dont miss him and am relieved when he goes home. Ive felt a bit sad at times but some relationships do run their course. I am very happy on my own.

It is really hard mothersoup because you have a heart and dont want to hurt him. I thought Ive finally found someone decent who completely loves and wants to commit to me. Ive realised living together is not the ultimate goal in life. Its just what we're brought up to believe we should be in a partnership, settle down etc. I dont need or want it!

I'm really surprised to read these posts as I am in a very similar situation. My sex drive has plummeted probably perimenopause. I really do love him but I'm finding that I have little patience with him.

He wants sex but I'm running out of excuses. I normally desire him but it's like a switch has been turned off. He has obviously noticed. I've pretended to be coming up to bed but actually I was just waiting for him to fall asleep.

He is really kind, extremely funny and not mean in any way.

I love living separately and spending time with him 3/4 days a week. I've no intention of ever living with him fulltime.

Maybe I should address my low libido before I do anything drastic. I normally like his company.

I'm glad you posted because I feel like there's lots of us in this situation.

I’m so glad you posted too, and I’m really grateful to everyone who has joined in with their experiences. I have a couple of single parent friends, but they would love to be in a relationship, so I’m certainly not going to start whinging to them about mine!

I don’t know how others feel, but on paper, I feel like this has the potential to be the perfect set-up: each partner has time to pursue their own interests but they can be together as a couple when they want to be. Unfortunately, my struggle to keep my independence has become a real battleground. From my boyfriend’s point of view, he must feel like he’s so far down my list of priorities. (Sigh: it’s helping to get these feelings out.) xx.

I know that my boyfriend feels hurt that I don't want to see him more often...he struggles to understand my need for solitude as he's so much more sociable than me. He also wants to call me on days we don't see each other and I loathe talking on the phone so that stresses me out as well. I feel guilty as I know he wants more. I also worry about all the kids..mine and his..being upset if we split as they have got to know each other, get on really well and we have all become attached. I hate difficult conversations but I am going to have to talk to him..we are going away for three days next week so will try to talk then, but am dreading it. This thread is very helpful, but I am sorry there are others in same situation and it is particularly hard when kids involved

I had no libido with my exH. He left for someone else, I started a new relationship and I discovered the lack of sex drive wasn't me, it was my exH. I couldn't get enough of the new guy and that lasted as long as the relationship did (15 months). Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other stuff going on. Your guy is tight and whining and that's a major turn off. I remember the last time my latest ex drove away from my house-I felt a little sad, but mainly relief and it had been like that the last few times he'd been over, especially after Christmas and new year. He irritated me massively. I could relax once he was gone. It was a relief to be back on my own with my 3 dc.

So he gives you £25 per week and he stays with you half of the week? Who decided on that amount?

Surely you'd save much more than £25 if he stayed in his own place?

I can't bear tight people - I'd let him go on the basis of his Christmas contributions alone.

Hold on! He's on 80 to 60k a year, spends 50% of his time at yours and gives you 100 pounds a month for expenses?!!! He's bloody coining it in isn'the? 😕

Goddess and Hollow, the money is the least of my worries to be honest. I suggested that amount. Although he did say, I'm not costing £25 a week am I?' 🙄

My main concerns at the moment are the lack of libido and my complete lack of interest in him and doing anything with him. If I could just get that back. He's kind, puts up with me being a perimenopausal cow a lot of the time, great with the children, great company when we're out socially and my friends and family love him. I however just seem to have been turned off him...

We should from a club because I'm another one OP. 😂😂😂

I actually moved in with my DP for a year and it was horrendous. Completely changed his personality and I felt like I'd just gained another kid. I also refused to change - since leaving my ExH I built up a life for myself during my DC free weekends and have a great social network and support group.

I was expected to give up these weekends (even though I stated in advance I wouldn't) but sulking and silence ensued. On the weekends DS was away i was expected to just sit downstairs while he watched films on the bed with his DD upstairs usually falling asleep. 😒

I hated my feelings but moving into my space made me very tense and childish.

He moved out two months ago. He still wants to continue the relationship as partners, but in separate houses.

Now, if I'm honest he's dropped to the bottom of my priority list. It goes DS, family, best friend, other friends, work, social life housework then him.

But he had a big part to play in this by never prioritising me. Now he chose his path and I will never sacrifice my DS's and my needs over anyone else's like I did.

Thing is I enjoy the occasional bit of sex every few weeks, but now I only want him to come when DS has gone to bed and to leave straight after. I've caused enough complications in DS's life by risking him moving in and back out again. We are a unit of two and that's how it will stay until DS leaves home.

He doesn't like this, and I think it upsets him that I seem to be so happy and having the best time.

But he made his bed, behaved badly and then when he left realised what he's given up, and if he wants to be in my life he needs to fit in with my plans now, because I can live without him with very little effect.

I know this all sounds really arrogant. I'm not, him moving in behaving awfully then moving out and begging to stay in my life was absolutely awful for a year. I did everything for him, sometimes I'm ashamed so say over my DS's wishes in an attempt to combine families,

It's shifted something in me, a breakup like this and my previously shitty marriage and divorce made me a bit colder I guess.

You could go to the gp and ask if there's anything they can do to kickstart your libido?

It's difficult to know whether it's hormonal or whether you're just done with him. But not being interested him at all outside the bedroom as well sounds more like it's just run out of gas altogether.

Do you still like kissing him?

😂 Mick that did make me laugh the bit about you fancying a bit of sex every few weeks but he has to leave straight after 😂

We haven't lived together but it has been discussed and has nearly happened three times but I tend to get cold feet at the last minute. The last discussion was that if it does happen it won't be until all the kids are off at Uni/left home..

Category - no not really 😞 but that could be because he's decided to grow a beard, it looks lovely but just feels, weird! I have a GP appointment Friday and I'm going to see if there's anything that can be done. I hope so..

Haha that's so true about the bit of sex and then leave straight after Mick.

I was made to feel like I was being an arrogant heartless bitch when I explained how I felt but my children and me come first and I simply don't need a man in my life. Some people find that really difficult to understand!

badgerread I could have written the last paragraph in your last post exactly!

I mean the one before the last post about the lack of libido etc..! Uurgghh what to do?

It's really new territory for women to put their own needs first @simonneilsbeautifulhair but just keep putting out the question - why are your needs more important than mine? There's no real answer to that is there?

For me, if I lose interest in kissing, it's the beginning of the end. Ask him to shave his beard off. He can always grow it back again if it makes no difference.

@fancylettuce

From my boyfriend’s point of view, he must feel like he’s so far down my list of priorities.

Not to be judgy but because, based on what you have said, he is.

I think it is great that there are women living independently and making decisions for themselves as long as it isn't being hurtful to others. There are a few PP's on here that sound a little bit like they may be stringing their partners along a bit or not being honest about there intentions. Others just sound like they are in the wrong relationships tbh.

What comes across quite strongly is the feeling women have of trying to avoid hurting their partner's feelings. Women are condtioned (partly by nature, partly by society) to nurture, not to hurt, so many put up with lack lustre relationships simply out of pity, and not wanting to feel the guilt of ending things.

Have a read of the 'being replaced' thread. Many women there whose partners have simply left and moved on, leaving bewildered and heartbroken women behind.

It's a generalisation, but it seems men can compartmentalise their relationships, so find it easier to leave without worrying or caring about the devastation they wreak by their sudden departure. Women will mostly be truthful and gentle when they realise a relationship has run it's course, but feel awful guilt afterwards.

It's mainly the women who have lived without a man for some time who feel that 'having a man' is not the be all and end all.

I feel a FWB deal suits some women far more than cohabitation, or simple platonic male companionship for those who feel a bit meh about sex.

@MickHucknallspinkpancakes what you experienced when you moved your partner in is not uncommon. Some men want you 'there' in the background all the time (a sort of one-woman harem) even when they just sit watching TV or gaming.